Thursday, May 22, 2008

If Indiana Jones characters were MLB players

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull opens today and we are whip-lashing, grail-seeking ecstatic (whatever that means. But "that belongs in a museum!")! We have a big-time man crush on Indy and watched the first three installments of the series the past two weekends to get us all riled up.

Now we want to share the excitement with the Nazis Kali Ma you by comparing the most memorable Indiana Jones characters to Major League Baseball players.

Indiana Jones:
Greg Maddux

Indy, besides being a Nazi and cult-killing badass, is a charming professor of archeology. Dr. Jones uses his historical knowledge and wits to outsmart the bad guys before pulling out the signature whip to finish them off. And he hates snakes. Enter Maddux, whose nickname is “The Professor.” Like Indy, Maddux uses his smarts to beat the opponents. His stuff isn’t overwhelming, but he keeps batters off balance and has pinpoint control. During his span of four consecutive Cy Young Awards from 1992-1995 he maintained a walks and hits per innings pitched under 1.00, so he’s equally effective with the WHIP. Now that he’s in the NL West pitching for the Padres, he hates the Diamondbacks. And they're both ancient.

Arnold Toht:
Marty Cordova

Toht is the creepy Nazi character who is remembered for:
1. Being really freakin’ creepy
2. Burning his hand on the medallion while torching Marion’s Nepal tavern
3. Having his face melted by the spirits of the Ark (1981 special effects!)
We don’t know Cordova to be creepy, but the former outfielder once missed a game in 1992 after burning his face in a tanning bed. So, in a way, his face melted. Sort of. Maybe. We think.

The Ark of the Covenant:
The Major League Baseball Players Association

The power of the Ark is said to make any army invincible -- possess the Ark, control the world. In baseball, the players control the union -- the ark -- that has prevented a salary cap in the league. The ark looks cooler, though.

Mola Ram:
Joe Carter

The villain in Temple of Doom is the cult leader and brainwashes people with the blood of Kali Ma. The guy’s a total wack-job and is best remembered for making human sacrifices by ripping out peoples’ beating, burning hearts. Joe Carter is no cult leader, but he ripped out the hearts of Philadelphia fans in Game 6 of the 1993 World Series with a series-clinching walk-off homerun. That blast, in a way, killed Phillies pitcher Mitch Williams.

Kevin Youkilis

Shorty’s the happy-go-lucky sidekick of Indiana Jones in Temple of Doom. He’s a scrappy little fella who’s always there to give Indy a hand, and is a nag on the bad guys. In baseball terms, Shorty would be the “tough out.” He’s not the best hitter in the lineup, but he sees a lot of pitches and can hit with two strikes. That’s Red Sox first baseman Kevin Youkilis. His average is steady and he averages more than 4.0 pitches per at-bat, putting him in the top 10 in the league. He’s that guy who always seems to get the key hit. And the two look a lot alike.

Henry Jones:
Cecil Fielder

Played masterfully by Sean Connery, Henry Jones is the father of Indiana Jones. He’s a religious man who has dedicated his life to finding the Holy Grail instead of raising his son, causing an estrangement between the two. Cecil and his son, Milwaukee slugger, Prince, have a rocky relationship. They like don’t get along at all. Kinda sad, really. But the younger Fielder seems to have surpassed his father’s ability -- like Indy. (See, we draw parallels.)

The Holy Grail:
Julio Franco

The Grail is said to give eternal life to whoever drinks from it. In the baseball world, that’s Julio Franco who just retired after a 23-year career. We have a suspicion he’ll still be playing when he’s 65.

Now go see the new Indiana Jones flick. Their marketing people didn’t pay us for this healthy promotion. They probably should have. (Wink, wink. Nudge, nudge.)

Your comparisons in the comments please.


Anonymous said...

joe carter. classic.

GMoney said...

Awesome...just awesome. Although Short Round is a Yankees fan so the Youk comparison probably will piss him off.

JMC said...

this is by far the best comparisons post you've ever done

Michael said...

shorty could totally be Ichiro, they look even more alike, and he's a tough out as well

Burt Destruction said...

Love the article. But where is Marcus Brody? There has to be a comparison to Bobby Valentine.

The Big Picture said...

great comparison burt...we wanted to do Brody, but couldn't think of a good one!

15 years and still stings said...

You just had to remind me of Joe freaking Carter.

GMoney said...

He got lost in his own museum! Brody could be Manny, I think.

Bokolis said...

There has to be a Jack Morris and John Kruk character in there.

I don't know enough to contribute, but I still got a kick out of it.

Anonymous said...

What about George Steinbrenner and the Yankees being Adolph Hitler and the Nazis?

free bookmaking software said...

I have to admit that LucasArts (Disney) tried so bad to appeal to the old fans of Indiana Jones and I haven't watched the movie and I hope that it is quite good because the last Starwar Movies weren't.

Leslietbjj said...

You just had to remind me of Joe freaking Carter.