Thursday, November 29, 2007

What Really Grinds My Gears

You Know What Really Grinds My Gears (named after the segment on Family Guy, of course) is a new feature that will run whenever the fuck we want it to...but usually on a slow news day. It will focus on those pet peeves that, well, really grind your gears. It likely won't be sports-related. Fuck sports. This isn't a sports blog anyway...Oh. Right. Um, yeah, we'll see about making them sports-related. If you have any suggestions -- or would even like to guest write one! -- send your submissions to or Ballhype us or something Internet-y like that.

You know what really grinds my gears?

Tipping a bartender for a bottle of beer.

That's fucked up. It's like reverse-etiquette bending you over and sticking a Louisville Slugger in your ass.

I know you're supposed to tip a bartender, it's how they make their money, yada, yada yada. But sometimes they have to work for a tip, they can't just expect it.

Like say I walk in to Trendy Bar A where I have to pay $5 for a Bud Light. Paying $5 for a Bud Light fucking grinds my gears too, but that's for different post.

So I pay my five bucks and then have to tip the bar keep a buck to twist off the fucking cap?! That's bogus, man. I mean, I guess you're paying for the service and courtesy of some one twisting that cap off for you. Sometimes I need to use my shirt, and then I look like a fucking pussy. Nobody ever wants to look like a pussy. Especially out at a bar.

Now, what if I'm ordering some local microbrew from the tap? Then I'm paying for the douchebag bartender to tilt my fucking pint glass while he pulls a lever? That's sorta messed up too.

If he's gonna make me a Martini or a Mojito or put some top shelf rum in my Rum 'n' Coke instead of the crap on the rail, then I'll happily tip him. I'll even send a hooker his way if that's what he wants. I want to be able to feel good about giving a tip.

Once I was at a trendy Irish bar that sucked my cock. I fucking hate this bar, yet often end up there. I ordered a shitty bottle of beer and it was like $4.50. Even though all the bartender did was twist off the cap, I still tipped him, even though it fucking grinded my gears. I respect etiquette, even when it assrapes me.

But I gave him a five, he gave me back 50 cents and I left the two quarters on the counter. He looked at me, gave me fuck-you eyes, and then splashed the coins back in my direction.

That really fucking grinded my gears. Asshole was expecting a buck for twisting off a cap. That's bullshit. Work for your tip. I'm gonna fucking end that guy. He was a total cock-weasel who has an inverted penis.

Yeah, so tipping for a bottle of beer is pretty week. Especially when they expect it. That's fucked. Asshole bartenders suck, too.

And that, people, is what really grinds my gears.


rstiles said...

I don't mind tipping as long as it is some hot piece of pussy behind the bar who is willing to stop and BS with you....bartenders are supposed to be friendly and engaging....that is part of the service....

It "grinds my gears" when women bartenders act like their pussy doesn't smell and won't BS with the customers...

WCT said...

As someone who bartended through college and grad school, THIS POST grinds my gears!

First of all, where do you live that you can get a Bud Light for $5 at a "trendy" bar? In NYC, you get $5 Bud Lights at the hole-in-the-wall shit holes.

Second, what is a "Trendy Irish Bar?" Isn't that an oxymoron?

Third, I noticed that the link to the bar you posted said the bar closes at 1:30. I'm assuming that is either a joke or a typo. Do bars really close at one freaking thirty out there?

Fourth, other than the fact that you get to take home the horny desperate chicks that stick around after last call, bartending sucks. Always tip your bartenders. We appreciate it, and most often give you free drinks in return. Always always tip!

Simon said...

Couldn't agree with this anymore. If you want me to tip a dollar charge 4 bucks instead of 4.50. I ain't walkin around with quarters in my pocket all night long. if the bartender doesn't like it, find a different bar that doesn't charge douchebag prices to work at.

Ray said...

I usually tip on the first beer and the last. The first, so they remember me and hopefully pay attention when I walk up again and again. The last as a token of my drunken appreciation (given that they weren't assholes). But I agree that tipping on every beer is a little excessive.

GMoney said...

I like your style, ray. I would kill that guy if he threw my tip back at me. Go all Charles Bronson on his ass.

JMC said...

this is why I always like to order multiple drinks at the same time (for myself or a round for the homies). Ya know, buy three beers, tip a dollar. The next guy gets the next round and does the same thing. That way you're tipping a dollar a round, not a dollar a beer.

but yeah, beckett's does kinda suck. But it's not THAT bad. I agree about charging blank.50 for a beer - of course you're gonna get 50 cent tips, that's idiotic.

DC said...

I've served at chain restaurants and upscale places for the past 5 years. The problem is that bartenders don't realize how fucking easy their job is compared to how much money they make. Sure it can get stressful and they have to stay really late but I know I would just be friendly and zone out at work and walk home with a shit-ton of cash...

The worst are the busy, city bars. They make up their own rules and expect you to know them.

Chris Mottram said...

"First of all, where do you live that you can get a Bud Light for $5 at a 'trendy' bar? In NYC, you get $5 Bud Lights at the hole-in-the-wall shit holes."

Example #1,439 why NYC is a piece of shit.

Is not being able to get $5 Bud Lites supposed to somehow make NYC "cool"?

Anyway, awesome fucking post. This is why I use a credit card. Then you can just tip at the end with whatever amount you deem appropriate.

Anonymous said...

jmc has it down. Even when I order for just myself, I ask for two and leave a buck. But I'm cheaper than Costanza.

The Big Picture said...


west coast bars blow. the linked one is in Berkeley, Calif. It sucks Barbaro-cock.

and i'm all about tipping. i've had some great bar experiences where i tip the guy $20. and then we both feel good about it.

i just hate the bullshit that a tip is EXPECTED and a bartender can do something as insignificant as twist off a cap and get my money.

Bokolis said...

I apologize ahead of time for the length, but it seems that I have some years on you guys and I've been playing this game for a long time, so I think I have some useful shit to drop.

In NYC, we have the concept of buy-back, which seems to be lost on the rest of the country. Trendy Irish bars that kick you out at 1:30AM, charge douchebag prices, with women bartenders that have a sense of entitlement- " their pussy doesn't smell..." across the land, there's way too much of it and, except for the 1:30AM part, we're not immune. At the risk of stating the obvious, stay the fuck out of those places. If you can manage that...

...because I think there's karma involved- if you're good with a buck, it will find it's way back to you- admittedly, I tip excessively (usually over $30%). While I'm not saying that everyone should, you have to see beyond the money and what the bartender does to "earn" it. Ater all, you're not their boss and you'll come off as a piker.

More to the point, the bartender can be an ally in your hunt...especially if you don't have a reliable wingman...especially if the bartender is a hot piece of ass who who has come to grips with her stank.

That usually takes cash, done tastefully, of course, and probably requires a return visit. It's just like with Congress; you can't necessarily buy their vote, but you can buy their ear and take it from there.

However, to avoid pointless tipping after every drink, as was noted, throw up the credit card, even if you plan to pay cash. That way, the bartender knows a payoff is in the offing...possibly a bigger payoff if, while tuned up, you think you've found a new buddy...and will work it accordingly.

Bottom line: you have to tip well.

The Big Picture said...

nicely put, bokolis. noted.

Bokolis said...

Thanks. Your point about reverse-etiquette and the Louisville Slugger is well-taken. Some bartenders are assholes beyond repair and it's no crime to want bang for your buck. Now that companies are freely tossing around rewards points, tipping your bartender is like paying the 20% premium for funny money at a strip club.

NFL Adam said...

>>Tipping a bartender for a bottle of beer.

You cheap bastard.