Thursday, January 18, 2007

Grimm has six-hour interview with Steelers

Who the fuck is Russ Grimm? Well, he's a Steelers assistant who wants to be a more glorified, higher-paid assistant, which some call a head coach.

Sounds like good news then for Grimm, who spent six hours meeting with Steelers brass Wednesday. The brass includes owner Dan Rooney, president Art Rooney II and director of football operations Kevin Colbert.

The Big Picture was in on the conference call and here's how the meeting played out.

Hour 1:

Dan Rooney: Welcome, Russ.
Russ: Thanks for having me. Oooh, fancy office.
Art Rooney: Nice view of...
Dan: Shut the fuck up, Art.
Russ: I can come back...
Kevin: No, Russ. We're glad you're here.

Dan: Russ, basically just tell us why you're right for this job.
Russ: Well, I'm a real hard worker...
Art: Save the bullshit, Russ.
Russ: Um, I think blocking's important.
Dan: Go on.
Russ: I want to play hard-nosed football.
Art: I dare you to say another cliché. Double fuckin' dare ya.
Russ: I'll give 110%.
Dan: I like you're style, Russ.

(Football talk continues for 46 more minutes).

Hour 2:

Russ: Are we doing lunch?
Kevin: It's 9:30.
Russ: So that's a yes?
Art: Sure, I'll order Chinese.
Russ: I'll have the Cream of Sum Yung Guy!
(Dan and Russ high five)
Art(on phone): Hi, Art Rooney calling. Doing well, yourself? Good. Good. Business is fine. Just trying to hire a new coach. Cowher? Oh, he's gone. Bastard is right. Haha. I'll get the Mongolian Beef, Chiang's Chicken, potstickers.
Russ: Get some fried wontons. And extra fortune cookies!
Kevin: Fat fuck.
Art (still on phone): Fried wontons, chow mein, fried rice.
Russ: This sounds great.

(They eat for 58 more minutes).

Hour 3:

Dan: I liked the third one the best. With Sean Connery as his father?! Man, that shit was good.
Russ: I liked the second one. Where the bad guy ripped out that dude's fucking heart! That was sick. We're going to do that to other teams.
Dan: Don't try to change the subject.
Art: I didn't like all the Nazi stuff in the third one. I cared for Raiders of the Lost Ark the most. Karen Allen was stunning.
Kevin: You would like Raiders the most.
Art: What's that supposed to mean?
Kevin: It means you're a little bitch.
Dan: You two shut up...Spielberg was the little bitch for putting Kate Capshaw in Temple of Doom. She was fucking awful.

(The conversation switches to Return of the Jedi for another 49 minutes).

Hour 4:

Kevin: I've always liked the Chargers' Girls. The costumes...whew!
Art: You know the Raiders have the best cheerleaders.
Russ: You guys sniffing glue again?! You're nuts! Cowboys have the best girls. No question.
Dan (pointing at Russ and looking at Kevin and Art): He's sharp.

(They talk about cheerleaders for 12 more minutes, switch to strippers, then discuss masturbation tactics).

Hour 5:

Russ: You guys smoke weed or what?
Dan: Do we?!?!

(They pass around a bong for 23 minutes and a joint for seven. The rest of the hour is spent eating Funyuns).

Hour 6:

Dan: So Russ, do you want this job?
Russ: Yes. Very badly.
Dan (zipping down his fly): Would you suck another man's dick to get it?
Russ: What?!
Art: Got ya! Dan does that to everyone.
Russ: Oh.
(Russ uncomfortably laughs while Dan, eying Russ, zips up fly).
Kevin: Russ, we'd like to offer you a job.
Russ: That's great!
Dan: We're prepared to offer you a three-year contract worth $7 million.
Russ: How about seven years at $100 million?
Dan: Four years. $12 million.
Art: That's $3 million per...
Dan: Art, I'm going to slit your fucking neck.
Dan: Again, Russ, four years. $12 million.
Russ: How about seven years, $100 million?
Kevin: I don't know if we can accommodate that salary.
Russ: Fine. Seven years, $99 million.
Dan: We'll be in touch.

(They handshake and ass-pat for 32 more minutes).


Apurv said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Anonymous said...

HAHAHA for 32 minutes hahaha.

Anonymous said...

It's like you were a fly on the wall.

Anonymous said...

"Who the fuck is Russ Grimm?"

Umm... Four-time Pro Bowl guard for the Washington Redskins, member of "The Hogs", owner of three Super Bowl rings?

Jesus, young people today don't know jack, they just want to pretend they're "edgy" and use the word "fuck" a lot. You're doing a bang-up job of that, Zach.