Corey Dillon must be pissed

-New England goes with Laurence Maroney, running back, Minnesota, making the Gopher the second running back taken. Seems strange with DeAngelo Williams and LenDale White still out there, but the Pats apparently know how to draft.

-Captial letters in the middle of a first name is pretty cool. We may try ZaCh out soon.

-Still big WRs on the board, a few good runningbacks and Winston Fucking Justice. Our 49ers are back on the clock and if they fuck this up, Vernon Davis may cry.

-And they go with Manny Lawson, defensive end, NC State. We wanted offense, but we like Lawson over a mid-tier cornerback. Years of drafting an average DB late in the first round who amounted to nothing was no fun. They're saying on the TV that Lawson slipped, so maybe he's good.

-So with Mario Williams and Lawson, why didn't NC State win more games?

Norv Turner update: 12:39 PST and he's still got a job. But Winston Justice may have made his first year in SF easier.

San Diego does not give a fuck if you played last year

-The Chargers pass up on Eli Manning and go with Antonio Cromartie, cornerback, Florida State. Jaws hates the pick -- in part because Cromartie didn't play last year -- but still Jaws is being a douche.

-Cromatie, pictured, was seen with a child on his lap. We think it's his, though it may be Matt Leinart's.

-Chris Berman is not a soothsayer -- he just gets the pick before we do.

-Kansas City decides to pick Tamba Hali at No. 20 and we don't know who he is. But Mel Kiper likes him.

-Mel just mentioned "great motor." Take 1 drink.

-Anyone else getting beer goggles going? Suzy Kolber is looking good! Guess now we know what Joe Namath was thinking.

-Still no WRs taken. Chad Jackson's butting his head against a wall.

-New England is on the clock...time for Tom Brady to get a new butt-buddy (receiver)?

Could Ohio State have uglier linebackers?

-No. 18 has Dallas snagging Bobby Carpenter, linebacker, The Ohio State.

-Here at The Big Picture headquarters, we think ESPN is doing a piss poor job of letting us know what's up with the upcoming picks. C'mon, give us and idea of who's coming or why Winston Justice is slipping.

-Trent Green looks old. Just for Men will be knocking on his door shortly.

-San Diego is on the clock...look for them to take Eli Manning...wait a sec.

Meet the new captain of the Love Boat

-At No. 17 the Vikes snag Chad Greenway who is really, really white. He may get mistaken for the wall in certain buildings. We don't know if he likes strippers and double-headed fuck toys, but we'll find out soon. We expect him to buddy up with Fred Smoot.

-Drinking game update: Berman has flubbed three lines (by our count) and we still haven't seen a war room. Take 4 drinks.

-Dallas is on the clock...why aren't we hearing Ed Werder?

No. 16: Cheech Marin

-Actually Miami goes with Jason Allen, cornerback, Tennessee. But we think Allen should carry on the legacy of Ricky Williams and sell dime bags to the Dolphins' front office. On second thought, bricks of coke would be cooler.

-Some guys who may be slipping:

• Winston Justice, USC
• Antonio Cromartie, FSU
  
• Chad Jackson, Florida
• Aaron Rodgers, Cal
• DeAngelo Williams, Memphis
• Aaron Rodgers, Cal

Minnesota is on the clock...if they draft a dildo, we'll be very pleased. Or maybe they'll just miss the pick.

Jets' fans update: 11:45 PST and we'll assume they're still pissed. At what? Doesn't matter.

Brodrick Bunkley has a cool name

-So no WR for the receiver-less Eagles. But the fans at Radio City Music Hall seemed joyous and Philly fans are rarely joyous.

-Three defensive players from FSU in the top-14. Yeah, Bobby Bowden pumps them out.

-We haven't heard nearly enough of Mel Kiper. Who's with us?

-If we see that Heineken Light commerical again, we're gonna throw one of our obnoxious female roommates out the fucking window. Eh, maybe both of them.

-And St. Louis goes with Tye Hill, cornerback, Clemson. We thought that was going to be Chad Greenway, linebacker, Iowa.

-Miami is on the clock...Ricky Williams will not be the pick. Williams is probably high right now.

Is it pronounced like Cameron?

-And Cleveland goes with Kamerion Wimbley, defenive end, Florida State. The TV guys are excited with the pick. Ok. We may have seen Mel Kiper throw on one of those dog masks.

-Cleveland seems like a team on the rise, though don't they need a QB?

-Trade updates: Denver gave up a third-rounder and Baltimore gave up a sixth-rounder for their respective trades. Speaking of sixth round, you should be on your sixth round of drinks by now. If anyone is drinking shitty beer, whiskey or tequila shots, please let us know. That's awesome!

-Philadelphia is on the clock...WR time.

In other news: We have word that Matt Leinart just had sex with some Arizona coed. We suspect that he raw-dogged it.

Another trade!

-Baltimore and Clevaland swap picks and spit and the Ravens come up to No. 12 and snag Haloti Ngata from Oregon.

-As UW fans, we're conditioned to hate Oregon. And we do. But best of luck to Ngata. We think he'll be good in Baltimore.

-Ngata is getting emotional with a friend. Male emotion is all right by us.

-We'll take this time to remind you that Ray Lewis killed somebody...with Ngata opening up holes on the O-line, Lewis may be metaphorically killing QBs next season.

-Our drinking game is slowing down...take this time to drown your drink, fill back up, say "Yahtzee" and, if you're like us and on the West Coast, remind yourself that it's only 11!

And we have a trade...

-Broncos trade up to No.11 and snag Jay Cutler, QB, team that lost to Middle Tennessee State. Cutler lucks out, getting to go to a good team in a fan-friendly environent.

-We think Cutler will be sorta like a Tim Couch, Ryan Leaf, etc. The guy never won at Vandy, so we don't think he'll win in the pros either. Just sayin'.

-As the NFL Draft drinking game suggest, Cutler went to Vandy, so he's smart. Take one drink.

-Details of the trade to come later, but we think Mike Shanahan owes a mediocre handjob to someone in the Rams' organization.

-Ron Jaworski is making us sick to our stomachs. So is drinking before 11 a.m.

-Cleveland is on the clock...

Another WR! Ok, fine.

-Detroit goes with Ernie Sims, OLB, Florida State. We think Sims is pretty cool -- he's probably done some hard drugs in Talahasse and perhaps wrestled a gator.

-Arizona is on the clock and Leinart is there. If he's not the pick here, Will at Deadspin may shoot himself, then whoever the Cardinals' GM is. (But he'd shoot the GM first...kinda hard to do much after you shoot yourself...logicstically and all).

-That was quick! Arizona wastes no time and snags a great QB. And now Leinart has Edge, Larry Fitzgerald and Anquan Boldin. Shit. Watch out for Arizona.

-Leinart will be hollerin' at girls far hotter than this one pictured when in Scottsdale, Ariz. Welcome to the best years of your life, Matt. This should be fun.

-St. Louis is on the clock...Jay Cutler? Wait and see, folks.

Just when we're slowing down...U-turn

Some of the excitement has died down, but we're still going strong...

-The Raiders don't fill their QB need and go with Michael Huff, defensive back, Texas. Charles Woodson anyone?

-No trades yet. Denver coming up to No. 8 to snag Matthew Leinart? Hmm...

-As our drinking pals just noted, Tom Jackson has a very large forehead.

-Kiper just mentioned two-gapper. Take 2 drinks and go plug your woman's two-gap.

-Again, Stubley McStublerson (that's Leinart -- you know, he has stubble) looks nervous. Perhaps he's regretting raw-dogging it last night with that street girl.

-Donte Whitner goes to Buffalo. Ugh, why?

-Detroit is on the clock...Santanio Holmes/Sinorice Moss/Chad Jackson, welcome to the Motor City.

Those aren't tears of joy

-We're clapping at 49ers' headquarters, but we think that Vernon Davis is not crying because he's happy that he got drafted, but rather because he has to go play for the Niners.

-Young Alex Smith is very happy with this pick. He finally has some one besides the other team to throw at. His biggest deep threat is no longer Fred Beasley.

-VD may be the biggest G in this draft. Just look at this guy. He will happily fuck your girlfriend and spread venereal disease all over.

-Jaws said National Football League, instead of NFL. Take 1 drink. (You should be getting pretty loaded by now).

-This draft is going remarkably fast. Cool for you. Not for us. We're developing carpal tunnel syndrome.

Norv Turner update: 10:10 a.m. PST and Norv is still employed by San Francisco.

Brady Quinn's sister will fuck Brett Favre

-The Pack go with the "safest pick," A.J. Hawk. We here at The Big Picture are 49ers' fans and we're excited to see Hawk go because we want the Niners to pick Vernon Davis.

-As you all remember, A.J. dates Brady Quinn's sister. She fucked that dude, so perhaps Favre is next. Eh, more like Aaron Rodgers.


-Another Coors Light commercial. If you're drinking Coors, dump that shit out, fill up a new drink with some non-pussy beer, and drown that new beverage.

-San Francisco is on the clock...if it's not Davis, we're gonna throw the computer out the window.

Here come the boos

-As Sal Pajdfndldjdkdonio reports, the Jets are in a terrible PR position, knowing the fans want Leinart, but thinking that D'Brick may be a better, or at least safer, pick.

-Leinart looks very, very nervous. Perhaps he's wondering if he contracted Hepatits C from the last ho he got up in.

-Good to see at least a few Jets' fans cheering. D'Brick does not deserve the boos.

-The drinking game suggests that you take 1 drink if you hear "war room." Because we haven't heard "war room," take 2 drinks.

-Green Bay is on the clock...

Shave my Bush

-Saints piss off the state of New York by taking Reggie. Good for the Saints. Watch out for these guys next year...ok, in two years.

-We've got some drinking to do folks. A Gale Sayers comparison and mention of Hurricane Katrina relief efforts results in two drinks. Bottoms ups.

-Vince Young is wearing a light gray suit with pinstripes. Snazzy Vince.

-We've seen our first M:I:III update and got us thinking: Texans' Mission Impossible: keep your fanbase.

-The Titans go with Vince Young who is the first guy to look genuinely happy.

-The Jets are on the clock and if it's not Leinart, the Jets' fans may tear down Radio City Music Hall. D'Brick may be the better choice here though.

New York Jets' fans update: 9:37 and they're still pissed.

And with the first pick in the 2006 NFL Draft...

The Houston Texans select Sam Bowie, forward, University of Kentucky. We're sure you've heard the Sam Bowie joke already. For those who don't know, he was picked directly before Michael Jordan. Super Mario won't might not be a bust, but Reggie Bush makes you say holy fuck about six times per game.

-New Orleans is on the clock. If the Saints don't take Reggie, New Orleans may riot...we'll hold off on the horrible Katrina joke, but feel free to add your own.

-So they have the clock graphic going at commercials. Cool.

-Reggie Bush was compared to Bron Bron. Take 2 drinks.

In other news: It's 9 in the fucking morning. Nothing has happened yet.

Draft Day: They're all going to Vietnam

Ok, so this is the NFL Draft, not the military draft. Whoops, our bad. So we got this big day tomorrow. A bunch of amateur athletes will no longer be amateurs. They'll get used to their new colors and will likely break in a new hat.

We like the NFL Draft — like, a lot — and will be watching closely. Since we like it so much, we'll be live blogging the first few hours of the joyous day. (Remember: this shit starts at 9 a.m. our time, meaning this is true fucking devotion. You guys all better appreciate us). We're not sure how we'll actually run the whole live blog thing, but we imagine a new post every few picks.

So stay with us tomorrow because we'll be watching the draft with a watchful (and certainly critical) eye. Hang out, grab some nachos and throw down a few Bloody Mary's. You know we aren't getting up at 9 and doing this shit without a drink in hand. Maybe we can even play the NFL Draft drinking game over the blog.

Stay tuned...

But to get your bodily juices flowing, here's our mock top-10 by Adam Landres-Schnur:

Adam did not go to Essex Community College and does not study draft guruism at the University of Washington, but he thinks he can forecast the draft just as well as this guy.

1. Houston Texans - Reggie Bush, running back, USC
Now you can have Michael Michaels (yes, that is this douche bag’s name. His parents probably didn’t like him very much.) buy you a house, Reggie. Now.

2. New Orleans Saints - Mario Williams, defensive end, North Carolina State
The “Freak” take two? 6’7, 295 — no, that’s freakish.

3. Tennessee Titans - Vince Young, quarterback, Texas
Guess offensive coordinator Norm Chow (who wants Matt Leinart and is probably nervous about Young’s poor grade on the wonderlickmyass test) lost in the rock-paper-scissors match with GM Floyd Reese.

4. New York Jets - Matt Leinart, quarterback, USC
This could (and probably should) be D’Brickashaw Ferguson, but Jets fans might burn down Radio City Music Hall if Leinart isn’t the pick. Peer pressure will play a big role in this selection. Kinda like grade school.

5. Green Bay Packers - A.J. Hawk, linebacker, (The) Ohio State
Brett Favre returned for him? Could be Vernon Davis here, but Hawk is the Switzerland in this year’s draft — you know, the neutral/safe pick…fine, we just wanted to drop a WWII reference because we know think Hawk is related to Nazis.

6. San Francisco 49ers - Vernon Davis, tight end, Maryland
He’ll catch a lot of passes from Young Alex Smith. If Smith catches V.D. — you know, venereal disease — we wouldn’t at all mind.

7. Oakland Raiders - D’Brickashaw Ferguson, offensive tackle, Virginia
The Raiders simultaneously get the biggest steal and the biggest G in this year’s draft. Ferguson could easily go at No. 2, 4, 5 or 6, but if it’s not Leinart who falls a bit, it could be D’Brick. Want a good laugh? Say Brickashaw D'Ferguson. See, giggles.

8. Buffalo Bills - Haloti Ngata, defensive tackle, Oregon
This is a really boring pick of a guy from a really boring state (where, coincidentally, they have a town named “Boring”). Ngata is referred to as a "two-gapper" which we think means that he fucks people in the ass. (Though it's likely just some football term).

9. Detroit Lions - Santonio Holmes Chad Jackson Sinorice Moss Michael Huff, defensive back, Texas.
The Lions won’t draft a wide receiver. Matt Millen promises. Wait a sec...

10. Arizona Cardinals - Jay Cutler, quarterback, Vanderbilt
Some players just aren’t supposed to play for winning teams. And some teams aren’t meant to win. Ever. (Hint: the Cardinals are one of those teams).

In other news: Ben Broussard had 8 RBIs in Cleveland's win over Boston and has been called before Congress to testify in the Balco case.

Don't sell out (but do join OPR)

We took a lot of guff (guff?) the past few weeks, saying that we've corporatized this site and sold out to the riches that ad dollars can bring. Why have we "sold out?" Because we've been talking up Online Poker Rakeback even more than that chick that you can't stop eyeball fucking.

Well, every man has his price. And ours is $50 per referral. See, every time you go to OPR and sign up using our referral code, "The Big Picture," we get a small sum of money that we will pump back into the site so we can make it bigger, better and sexier. For instance, we've heard that you can play some fun games with Photoshop -- like using those speech/thought balloons -- but we wouldn't know firsthand.

Signing up at OPR is a win-win situation for everyone. (Please be sure to use the referral code: "The Big Picture" when you sign up). To read how OPR works, check out our previous posts on the subject, here and here.

We don't like to think that we sold out. This guy sold out. Not us. We'll still post a good sports story everyday (if not a few) and try to incorporate as many dick, drug and rapist jokes as we can possibly muster. If you think we're a bunch of sell outs, well, so be it. Please just tell us so we know whose girlfriends to fingerblast.

Who the fuck is Mel Kiper Jr.?

In 1994 Bill Tobin, the Indianapolis Colts GM at the time, wondered the same thing: “Who the hell is Mel Kiper?” he questions after Kiper criticized the Colts’ selection of Trev Alberts (his colleague at ESPN now. Hmm, that probably makes for awkward urinal conversation.) over Trent Dilfer. “My mailman knows more about the draft than he does,” Tobin said.

(Thanks to Wikipedia for that juicy nugget. We have no fucking idea what a “wikipedia” is, by the way.)

So we know that he’s the NFL draft guru who uses way too much Dep to slick back his greasy-ass hair.

But seriously, who the fuck is this guy? And what is a draft guru? Can you major in that at college? We’re doubtful he studied draft guruism at Essex Community College where he first became an expert in predicting the outcome of the NFL Draft. (Yes, that's where Kiper went. Essex. All of you high school kids out there, Essex is NOT the school for you).

Wikipedia also tells us that Kiper never played or coached high school or college ball. It seems, then, that one day Kiper decided to become obsessed with something so he could buddy up with some big sweaty men.

As far as we can tell, Kiper has no background as a scout, so he probably just stayed at a Holiday Inn Express one night and woke up being able to semi-accurately forecast the draft.

We have absolutely no idea what this guy does during the off-season. Though we wouldn’t be at all surprised if Kiper already has a mock draft for 2038.

Regardless of his bizarre professional career, we do get a kick out of the way he talks about players.

An Example (if Tennessee is on the clock):

I think Matt Leinart, quarterback, University of Southern California would be a great fit with Norm Chow, offensive coordinator, Tennessee, his old offensive coordinator at University of Southern California. But I think the pick here is Vince Young, quarterback, Texas, because that’s who Floyd Reese, general manager, Tennessee Titans, favors.

Still, after this whole post to break down The Man, The Myth, The Grease Ball, Mel Kiper Jr., we must pose the same question: who the fuck is Mel Kiper Jr.?

Read "Who the fuck is..." Chris Shelton and George Mason.

-Adam Landres-Schnur

Adam is the Sports Editor at the University of Washington's The Daily. He likes to watch Katie and Andy make out.

Delmon Young could play quarterback

Tampa Bay Devil Rays prospect and huge fucking G, Delmon Young, pulled off a move of Carl Everett proportions yesterday.

If you recall, Everett was involved in what was our favorite ejection scene in MLB history. After a called third strike, Everett drew a line in the batter’s box indicating where he thought the ball crossed the plate. The ump wasted no time in tossing him from the game.

Well, Carl, you got one-upped (and for the record, the fact that you don’t believe in dinosaurs is unbelievably awesome, but highly suspect).

After a called third strike in yesterday’s game between Young’s Durham Bulls and Pawtucket, the younger brother of Dmitri argued the call with the umpire.

Young was promptly ejected, causing him to chuck his bat — his bat! — at the ump behind the plate. Yeah, he threw his fucking bat and hit the ump square in the chest.

We just can’t get over how incredibly savage this is and how much it increases Young’s G status.

Unfortunately, Green Bay solved its quarterback issue, but we think this top-overall pick could make a leap into Saturday’s NFL Draft.

(No word on a suspension yet, but we wouldn't be surprised to never hear from Young again).

In other news: Kobe Bryant will change his number next season from 8 to 24 because he really likes that show on Fox.

-Adam Landres-Schnur

Adam is the Sports Editor at the University of Washington's The Daily. He's not a rat, Agent Kujan.