Morning Headlines: Duke-Carolina

Most mornings, we'll lead off the day with some AM headlines -- but not your traditional ones. Rather we'll focus on one game or story and write headlines that are completely inconsequential and insignificant to the outcome of the game. We'll give a few examples and then you'll play in the comments. Best headline (read: the one that makes us laugh the hardest) will get a shoutout in this space the next day. We'll provide the box score for the game as that can lend itself to plenty of content. Let's have some fun. The more insignificant, the better!

Thursday's winner: Awesome commenter GMoney of The Money Shot with this number: Ramirez, Dodgers come to terms quickly

[Duke-Carolina box score].

-Big first half paves way for 'Heels.

-Kryzaklejljmzoamn#dka_!ki: 'We made their bench beat us'

-Carolina to likely face Maryland or Virginia Tech next

Your ACC headlines in the comments, please.

Blind Résumé

It's March! Fuck yeah! Hoops, baseball, NFL Draft talk...we're exiting one of the worst stages of the sports year and entering one of the best. We're finally getting into college hoops and the bubble talks; it took about a month longer than normal. Who's gonna dance? Who are the last four out?! With Selection Sunday less than two weeks away, it's time to start using the phrases, "Bubble Watch," "Tournament Résumé" and "Auto Bids" on a daily basis. So for the next week plus, we'll be playing Blind Résumé. We'll present two bubble teams' résumés and your job is simple: In the comments, say which team deserves to get in and which one doesn't. (If you think both are in -- or out -- suggest who you think has the better profile). You might know who these teams are, but don't spoil it for the rest of us. Since this is one of those blind item things, check back at 3 p.m. Pacific each day as we'll post the true identities in the comments.

Team A:

Record: 20-10 (8-7 conference)
RPI: 51
Strength of schedule: 47
Against RPI Top 50: 4-4
Last 10: 6-4

Team B:

Record: 22-8 (8-7 conference)
RPI: 35
Strength of schedule: 48
Against RPI Top 50: 4-5
Last 10: 7-3

Does anyone want to play in the NCAA Tournament?!?!?!

Yesterday's Blind Résumé was the first time all year that we expressed our building excitement about college basketball. March is here! Conference tournaments have begun! What we weren't telling you though is that the explanation of that post was from last season (we, friends, executed the copy and paste command. We're such tricksters.), and didn't capture our true excitement about the season. 'Cause we're like mega psyched! The Huskies are in first place in the Pac-10! They're going to the tourney! They might land in Portland! We're like this much excited! Exclamation points!!!!!

But if you're fans of almost any bubble team who played yesterday, you shouldn't be. We're talking to you, Kentucky (who lost to GEORGIA AT HOME! If that doesn't scream "NIT," hard to say what does.) and you, Florida (who fell at feisty Mississippi State leaving the Gators on the wrong side of the bubble).

We're talking to you, Miami (we said in Blind Résumé yesterday if the 'Canes got to 8-8 they'd be an interesting discussion. Discuss no more after a loss at previously one-ACC win Georgia Tech), to you, Virginia Tech (who had a shot for a marquee win over Carolina, but couldn't get it) and you, Boston College (who had been in good shape, but a loss at N.C. State may have changed that).

Time to get your acts together, bubble teams. Excitement is waiting for you! EXCITEMENT!!!!

Blind Résumé

It's March! Fuck yeah! Hoops, baseball, NFL Draft talk...we're exiting one of the worst stages of the sports year and entering one of the best. We're finally getting into college hoops and the bubble talks; it took about a month longer than normal. Who's gonna dance? Who are the last four out?! With Selection Sunday less than two weeks away, it's time to start using the phrases, "Bubble Watch," "Tournament Résumé" and "Auto Bids" on a daily basis. So for the next week plus, we'll be playing Blind Résumé. We'll present two bubble teams' résumés and your job is simple: In the comments, say which team deserves to get in and which one doesn't. (If you think both are in -- or out -- suggest who you think has the better profile). You might know who these teams are, but don't spoil it for the rest of us. Since this is one of those blind item things, check back at 3 p.m. Pacific each day as we'll post the true identities in the comments.

Team A:

Record: 20-9 (9-6 conference)
RPI: 27
Strength of schedule: 11
Against RPI Top 50: 3-8
Last 10: 7-3

Team B:

Record: 20-10 (11-4 conference)
RPI: 62
Strength of schedule: 81
Against RPI Top 50: 3-4
Last 10: 8-2

Derrick Ward: new Tampa Bay Buccaneer, former Thespian, possibly BFFs with Ross, Rachel and the gang from "Friends"

Ok, Ok, Derrick Ward was never an actor, but he was a production assistant at a Hollywood studio before getting a shot in the NFL. This was back in 2002 after dropping out of school (editor's note: The Big Picture brother is a p.a. and graduated from college with honors to become one. So much for that.). From the St. Petersburg Times:

He once worked on the set of the sitcom Friends. He also worked with screenwriter Dan Fogelman, whose credits include the animated movie Cars.

Guess "Friends" wasn't looking to cast an athletic black guy.

[Photo, clearly, from datzwhatzup.net which has more grammatical errors than you could possibly imagine].

Morning Headlines: Manny Signs with Dodgers

Most mornings, we'll lead off the day with some AM headlines -- but not your traditional ones. Rather we'll focus on one game or story and write headlines that are completely inconsequential and insignificant to the outcome of the game. We'll give a few examples and then you'll play in the comments. Best headline (read: the one that makes us laugh the hardest) will get a shoutout in this space the next day. We'll provide the box score for the game as that can lend itself to plenty of content. Let's have some fun. The more insignificant, the better!

Tuesday's winner: Adam with this gem: Oakland eyes Crabtree at No. 7 after Seattle snags free-agent receiver.

[Manny, Dodgers complete deal].

-Pierre nervous about future as LA signs veteran outfielder

-Torre: 'His work ethic will be highly influential with the younger players'

-Former Red Sox to play outfield for Dodgers

Your baseball headlines in the comments, please.

Blind Résumé

It's March! Fuck yeah! Hoops, baseball, NFL Draft talk...we're exiting one of the worst stages of the sports year and entering one of the best. We're finally getting into college hoops and the bubble talks; it took about a month longer than normal. Who's gonna dance? Who are the last four out?! With Selection Sunday less than two weeks away, it's time to start using the phrases, "Bubble Watch," "Tournament Résumé" and "Auto Bids" on a daily basis. So for the next week plus, we'll be playing Blind Résumé. We'll present two bubble teams' résumés and your job is simple: In the comments, say which team deserves to get in and which one doesn't. (If you think both are in -- or out -- suggest who you think has the better profile). You might know who these teams are, but don't spoil it for the rest of us. Since this is one of those blind item things, check back at 3 p.m. Pacific each day as we'll post the true identities in the comments.

Team A:

Record: 16-10 (6-8 conference)
RPI: 44
Strength of schedule: 10
Against RPI Top 50: 4-7
Last 10: 4-6

Team B:

Record: 20-7 (9-5 conference)
RPI: 42
Strength of schedule: 83

Against RPI Top 50: 1-4
Last 10: 7-3

Play the part of a committee member in the comments. Who dances?

The worst sports tragedies

Been a sad week in sports. News is bleak out of Florida as the Coast Guard has called off the search for two missing NFL players and a third man lost in the chilly Gulf of Mexico waters.

Sad times spark other melancholy thoughts. There have been many sports tragedies, with lists being published of athletes who have perished in plane crashes, college sports tragedies and soccer devastation.

We put our own list together of horrible sports tragedies. These are high-profile, relatively-recent events that garnered a bulk of media attention.

Feel free to disagree and leave your thoughts in the comments.

5. Roberto Clemente


Such a generous, talented and wonderful player, Clemente was doing charity work aiding earthquake victims when his flight from San Juan, Puerto Rico en route to Nicaragua went down.

4. Players lost at sea


Just fucking terrible. A routine fishing trip that turns tragic? This is not The Perfect Storm. Just to imagine what those guys went through is painful.

3. Oklahoma State basketball team's plane crashes



In early 2001, the plane with two Cowboys players, six staffers and broadcasters goes down. All 10 people were killed. Being a mid-season tragedy brought even more attention to the disaster.

2. Marshall Plane Crash


In November, 1970, a plane crash kills 75 members of the Marshall football family -- including 37 players, the head coach and four assistant coaches.

This led to the 2006 film We Are Marshall which probably would have been better without Matthew McConaughey.

1. 1972 Olympics


Terrorist attacks infiltrated the Summer Games in Munich when a Palestinian terrorist group killed 11 Israeli athletes. A world event that mixed sports and politics in an awful way.

You can be like Brett Favre, but without the rugged beard or interceptions. So, really, you can just buy his car on eBay.

If that car -- a 2007 Ford F-150 -- doesn't scream Hall of Fame, hot wife and grizzled NFL star, then we're not sure what does. (Except for maybe a nicer, shinier car with better gas mileage).

You -- yeah, you! -- can drive away with Brett Favre's car by bidding at eBay. Looks like the going rate is about $35,000 and, hey, Favre will even sign the dashboard if you want. Who doesn't want permanent ink all over the dash?

The car includes Fab-tech Lift Kit, Modified Intake System and MKW Wheels, but does not include excessive interceptions or painkillers.

Jodie Foster could save the Big 10

Found myself watching Inside Man over the weekend for like the 12th time. Good movie. Not great.

What is great about it though is Jodie Foster. Even aged, give her a nice business suit, straightened hair and heavy makeup and she looks like a girl that causes a spike in Viagra sales. She is waaay hot in it and makes you want to be in a situation where she needs to bribe you or buy you off.

[Tangent] If I were a cop I'd absolutely be dirty. Not in a Training Day or Bad Lieutenant kind of way where people get hurt. But I'd surely take bribes and use my power to my advantage.

Jodie Foster in Inside Man: My client needs you and your boys to back off. Officer Zach, there must be some way we can work this out.
Officer Zach: I think we can arrange something.
(Porn music begins playing)

I think this all comes down to the fact that my life would be much more exciting if it were a constant porno.[/Tangent]

So Jodie Foster is totally non-stop in Inside Man. I would do things to her that you couldn't watch on the big screen coming soon to a theater near you.

But look at her in Contact. YIKES! She's like a good Scotch or wine or one of those other things that betters with age.

Young, makeup-less Jodie Foster from Contact = Four Long Islands.
Older, sexy, porno-style Jodie Foster from Inside Man = Zero Long Islands.

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I found myself watching some of that Illinois-Michigan State game Sunday. It was a good thing I watched it, too, because I needed to be reminded how much I fucking hate the Big 10.

It was like a tie game with seven minutes to play and for the next five minutes, there was one combined point scored, eight fouls and seventy-six timeouts.

Watching the Big 10 is like the equivalent of a nice cup of chamomile tea before bed.

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Was at '80s night over the weekend at a bar and for a while the DJ was just peeling off the hits! This, naturally, got me thinking about the most horrible/horribly-great songs you hear at a bar or club and get overly excited for.

A list:

5. Like A Virgin - Madonna
4. Red Red Wine - UB40
3. Pour Some Sugar On Me - Def Leppard
2. Yeah - Usher
1. Livin' On A Prayer - Bon Jovi

Yours in the comments, please.

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Big pet peeve of mine during the college sports season: stories about the new rankings without a list of the fucking rankings accompanying it! Much like this one here.

I don't need 450 words explaining that UConn moved ahead of Pitt when 25 will suffice.

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Great time to get to the movie theater. Coming in at No. 1 last week was Tyler Perry Makes More Cliché Black Jokes followed by Three Gay Teenagers in 3D.

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If you could be a professional or college athlete for a day, who would it be?

LeBron for the pure talent?
Brady to fuck Gisele?
Jeter to bang anything with two legs and a pulse?

I might go with Yao Ming. It'd be cool to be that tall for a day. And I've always wondered what it's like to be Chinese.


Or maybe Horace Grant. You know those goggles had x-ray vision.

Your rationale in the comments.

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What TV shows are you watching?

I certainly tuned in to the two-hour 24 "event" last night. That show's gone downhill, but it's still worth a weekly viewing.

Lost on the other hand is better than sex. I am more addicted to that show than I am to porn and I fucking love porn.

I will talk Lost with people who have never seen the show like they were watching with me.

Me: Ben killed Locke!! Ben's all fucked up! Who are these new islanders???OMG!!! LOL!!! LMAO!!!! RARRRWW!!!k;akjd[ka!
Coworker: I've never seen the show before, but I've heard good things.
Me (shaking coworker): Jin's alive!! Is he in the 70s?!?!? Why was Hurley and Sayid on the plane!?!?
Coworker: Please don't make me press charges.

After a Wednesday episode, my workday on Thursday is as unproductive as the first day of March Madness. I read all the recaps, message boards...I'M FUCKING ADDICTED!!!

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Great post by Alex (a former colleague of mine) at Seattle Sportsnet who list the sports fans we love to hate.

My favorite (or least favorite, I suppose) is The Guy Who Knows Everything, But Doesn’t Know Anything.

That guy is very prevalent at college games and usually wears a backwards hat.

Man photographs high-school drill team

This story out of Lacey, Wash. is similar to many others: older man photographs high-school girls at a sporting event, parents get upset, voyeurism investigation ensues.

The story itself is nothing special but we thought this quote was rather worthwhile.

They say then, in a last ditch effort to escape, the suspect surprisingly confessed.

“He took the camera off his neck, held his hands up in the air and said ‘I admit it. I’m a pervert and I came here to take pictures of your daughters,’” said Johanson.

Admitting you have a problem is the first step.

Morning Headlines: Houshmandzadeh signs with Seahawks

Most mornings, we'll lead off the day with some AM headlines -- but not your traditional ones. Rather we'll focus on one game or story and write headlines that are completely inconsequential and insignificant to the outcome of the game. We'll give a few examples and then you'll play in the comments. Best headline (read: the one that makes us laugh the hardest) will get a shoutout in this space the next day. We'll provide the box score for the game as that can lend itself to plenty of content. Let's have some fun. The more insignificant, the better!

[Houshmandzadeh signs with Seattle].

-Seahawks add former Bengal to roster

-Mora: 'This makes us a playoff team'

-Seahawks to explore wider jersey to compensate new player's lengthy name

Go play in the comments.

Thumbs up to you, Coach

Louisville had knocked off Marquette before us West Coasters had got out of bed Sunday, keeping the Cards alive in the Big East championship discussion.

We thought it was funny that Marquette was wearing powder blue jerseys because the Golden Eagles have no powder blue anywhere in their unis. It would sort of be like the Yankees rocking the light blue pinstripes.

But Rick Pitino upstaged everyone, doing his best Colonel Sanders impersonation as a nod to the school's "white-out" of Freedom Hall.

Better have a good dry cleaners though. Don't want to get that bad boy dirty.

Can everyone get off Matt Cassel's nuts?

What was New England thinking?! Great trade for KC! Chiefs get away highway robbery!

Seems like aside from cap issues, this was not a trade that will be well received by those in New England.

KC did get a solid veteran with Vrabel, fine. Good. The Chiefs could use some serious help on D. Losing the second-round pick ain't great, but you bring in two starters. Again, fine.

But while Cassel had a solid season (63.4 completion percentage, 21 TDs, 11 INTs, 89.4 rating in 15 starts) is he that much of an upgrade over Tyler Thigpen?

Thigpen's 1-10 record as a starter won't get him a Pro Bowl nod, but his stats weren't bad (54.8 completion percentage, 18 TDs, 12 INTs, 76.0 rating in 11 starts).

Keep in mind that Cassel was throwing to Randy Moss and Wes Welker. Thigpen had Tony Gonzalez and Dwayne Bowe.

Cassel was totally solid last season. Let's not take anything away from that. But this guy had zero starts from 2000-2007. Gotta love that experience.

And the answer we were looking for is: 'Who is Isaiah Thomas?'

Isaiah Williams: Maryland footballer, child actor, 8-year-old drummer.

Isaiah Thomas: Washington basketball player.

An interview with Tiger Woods

Tiger Woods returned to the golf course Wednesday as he began the Accenture Match Play Championship in Arizona. He had been absent for eight months after having major knee surgery. His ethnicity remains a mystery.

The Big Picture: Thanks for joining us, Mr. Tiger.
Woods: OK.

TBP: Does anyone ever call you Mr. Tiger?
Woods: Not really.

TBP: Do you think if you ever starred in a porno you'd call yourself Tiger Woody?
Woods: No.

TBP: Do you go by Tiger because Eldrick is a fucking weird name?
Woods: No.

TBP: Modern-day medicine, while wonderful, can still be slow. Don't you think it would have been better if they fixed you like they did that guy who was in a liquid tank in Starship Troopers?
Woods: I never saw that movie.

TBP: Were you afraid they were going to botch the surgery?
Woods: Not really.
TBP: What if they did?
Woods: They didn't.

TBP: Did you go to a Jewish hospital?
Woods: Yes.

TBP: Your Wikipedia page says you are one-quarter Chinese, one-quarter Thai, one-quarter African American, one-eighth Native American, and one-eighth Dutch. Don't you think that's a little far-fetched?
Woods: No.

TBP: Do you know Hines Ward?
Woods: No.
TBP: Are you related?
Woods: No.

TBP: Prostitution is a huge industry in Thailand. Was your mother a hooker?
Woods: I was born in California.
TBP: Was your mother a hooker?
Woods: No.

TBP: I would have sex with your wife. Do you think she would have married you if you weren't rich and famous?
Woods: I'd like to think that even if...
TBP: Be honest.
Woods: I am.

TBP: Does Elin like anal?
Woods: That's' none of your business.
TBP: Do you ever role play and dress up as the Hamburglar while she dresses up as Grimace?
Woods: No.

TBP: Are you flattered that men masturbate to pictures of your wife like all the time?
Woods: A little.

TBP: You're a Buddhist. Were you an oppressive dictator in your previous life?
Woods: No.

TBP: On a scale of one to 10, how much do you want to kill Phil Mickelson?
Woods: I don't want to kill him.

TBP: Thanks for joining us, Tiger. Good luck in your return.
Woods: All right.

There's beauty in a public restroom

I love public bathrooms. Really. They're among my best friends. A public bathroom is like Bert to my butt's Ernie.

I'll shit in a bathroom in a

-movie theater
-airport
-school
-library
-gym
-restaurant
-dentist office
-doctor office
-stadium
-mall
-supermarket
-theme park

Let's go back to the airport. I LOVE shitting in an airport john. Just about every time I fly, I make stew in the airport first. I'll even shit if I'm not flying, but rather picking someone up. I'll look for a reason to shit at an airport. I'll take a fucking laxative if I have to!

This embrace of public restrooms, of course, comes back to the fact that I have poophobia -- the fear of poop. And even more so, the fear of shitting while others (namely women) know that I'm doing that.

I still can't shit while my girlfriend (who doubles as a roommate) is home. Even if I just casually slip in the bathroom while she's watching America's Best Dance Crew or some other TV show that makes me want to hang myself with an extension cord, I'll have that fear that either she'll knock on the door or come in or ask what I'm doing.

Me: I'm, ugh, taking a shower.
Her: The water's not on.
Me: I'm combing my hair.
Her: For 25 minutes?
Me: Yes.
Her: Um, all right.
Me (in my head): NOW LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE WHILE I PICK MELTED CHOCOLATE OUT OF MY COLON!

Because of this, I'll often hold in a shit until I'm out of the house. And that often means a public place. I've become so comfortable shitting in what many would consider the worst of conditions because I can do it anonymously. And, frankly, that's what we should all have while taking a dump: anonymity. I value that psychological comfort over physical comfort tenfold.

You, too, Married Man or Domestic Partner can find pleasure in the public restroom. It might be dirty, there might be someone else's fudge already in the toilet and you might catch herpes from the toilet seat. But, jeez, you'll be able to shit in peace. At the end of the day, that's all we can really ask for.

Omar Vizquel: Snake Hunter

Just when you thought you knew Omar Vizquel -- great fielder, lousy hitter, good clubhouse guy -- the San Francisco Chronicle finds out that he's practically the freakin' Croc Hunter. Except he's hunting snakes.

Omar Vizquel went to Venezuela this winter and caught an anaconda. If that is on your bucket list, pay attention.

"This thing is 11 or 12 feet long," Vizquel said. "You've got to find the tail and pull it out of the water and bring it to safe territory. It is dangerous in and out of the water, but you have to maneuver yourself to stay behind it. Once you're behind it, you grab it by the back of the neck.

"It's a fun thing."

And the Giants let this guy go?!

[SF Gate via Ben Maller]

Morning Headlines: Pitt vs. Providence

Most mornings, we'll lead off the day with some AM headlines -- but not your traditional ones. Rather we'll focus on one game or story and write headlines that are completely inconsequential and insignificant to the outcome of the game. We'll give a few examples and then you'll play in the comments. Best headline (read: the one that makes us laugh the hardest) will get a shoutout in this space the next day. We'll provide the box score for the game as that can lend itself to plenty of content. Let's have some fun. The more insignificant, the better!

Monday's winner: SSReporters (again!) with: Kansas rallies from early 11 point deficit to stun Oklahoma.

[Pitt-Providence box score].

-Strong second half helps Friars to upset

-Dixon: 'To lose to a key rival...this one stings'

-Fields' three assists not enough to overcome hostile crowd

Have at it in the comments.

Mowwage...Mowwage is wot bwings us together

Hall of Famer Ernie Banks is perhaps the greatest Cub ever and has arguably the best baseball quote in history.

Now he's on his way to getting certified to wed people -- the true Cubbie way.

Legendary Cubbie Ernie Banks was being very foxy loxy while huddling at Harry Caray's eatery last week with former White Sox slugger Ron Kittle, who has a license to marry people.

The kicker: Banks wanted to know how to get certified -- so he could perform wedding ceremonies at Wrigley Field!

This came from Chicago Sun-Times columnist Michael Sneed who isn't a male sportswriter but rather an aging female columnist who looks like Gary Busey.

This post's headline? The Princess Bride, of course.

[Source: Ben Maller]