To read today

What to read while you debate if the glass is half empty or half full...

YAYsports! - Our homeboy Tar Heel (which we think is an alias) has started a new feature called, "The Whiskers." Meow.

The Mighty MJD - He's on to something with these $1000 Mint Juleps. They better get you hammered six ways to Sunday.

Complete Sports - They like pro basketball, so if that's your thing, Complete Sports is the place for you.

The Sports Pulse - Looks like Dick Cheney may be a better pitcher than hunter.

Deadspin - Your girlfriend cheating on you? Don't rule out Chris Berman as the reason why.

The Hater Nation - If you're in one of those moods, ride your motorized scooter over to The Nation.

Insomniac's Lounge - What lies behind the Duke Lacrosse scandal? Money. Money, money, money.

The Sports Page - Pedro Martinez a genius? Maybe. Just maybe.

The NBA: We're not laughing with you

And this is why we just can't take the NBA seriously.

A colleague of ours pointed out that the NBA playoffs are almost here and that the East Coast has some of these NBA teams. We just thought the pro basketball they spoke of was Duke, UConn and North Carolina. But apparently this Association has many teams that do play on the East Coast.

And as we came to learn, over half of these teams in the so-called "Eastern Conference" make the playoffs. So we checked the standings and noticed that being a good team is no longer a prerequisite for the postseason.

Currently, three teams (Indiana, Milwaukee and Chicago) are in playoff position with losing records. A fourth -- Philadelphia -- is tied for the eighth spot with a stellar mark of 37-41, after winning three straight. (Washington, currently in the fifth spot, is 39-39).

Perhaps The Association should consider cutting down the number of playoff teams. Really. It's just a thought, but a team four games under .500 playing in the postseason is just pretty sad.

We don't like The Association, as you can tell. The only time we've really been interested in an NBA game was when Ron Artest thought it would be silly to beat the fuck out of random fans. But if the NBA gets your blood flowing on a regular basis, check out some of these sites to get a more positive NBA bias.

• YAYsports! NBA

• The Basketball Jones

• The Association

• True Hoop

In other NBA news: LeBron James sprained his ankle Wednesday after he was attacked by rabid Pistons' fans.

Bronson Arroyo must take drugs

There's really no other explanation about it. Not good hitting. Not bad pitching. Just juice. And lots of it.

Bronson Arroyo, who, unbeknownst to us, got rid of those sylish cornrows, hit his second homerun of the year Tuesday.

The third inning shot came off Glendon Rusch who Arroyo also took deep last week. It can go without saying that the next time the two face off, Rusch may, well, aim to take Arroyo's face off. The high heater may be the "high and very fucking inside heater."

To put Arroyo's numbers in perspective, here are some perennial sluggers who don't have two homeruns yet:

-Barry Bonds
-Gary Sheffield
-Jason Giambi

Guess those guys should find Arroyo's dealer.

Coach Calipari is a Tiger, not a Wolf (pack)

Memphis coach John Calipari won’t be the new basketball coach at North Carolina State, The Big Picture has learned.

While we haven’t asked Calipari about his reasons (or his involvement in Waste Management during the off-season), we do have a pretty good idea as to what the Tigers' coach was thinking when declining the offer:

-I like Raleigh, but I’m a tad skeptical about this Tobacco Road. That might be difficult to drive on.

-And how exactly do you recruit players who live there? Teleport?

-Hmm…play Duke and North Carolina every year or Tulane and Rice?

-Hmm...get out-coached by Mike Kwzt#osh&aow$grz and Roy Williams or out-coach Dave Dickerson and Willis Wilson?

(Editor’s note: those are, in fact, the real head coaches at Tulane and Rice. We can’t believe it, either.)

-Darius Washington Jr. is comin’ back, right? We’ll probably be a good free-throw shooting team then.

-They gunned down former NC State stud Julius Hodge. So, if I take this gig, am I next?

-Herb Sendek was being criticized here for going 148-108 in eight seasons and running a Princeton-style offense. What’s gonna happen when we — as an entire wolfpack — have 21 points at halftime against UNC(LA)?

-Wait, Sendek chose to leave?…and he picked Arizona State! (Yes, they do have a basketball program. We’re not exactly sure why). Something doesn’t add up here.

Like Coach Cal taking the N.C. State position, we presume.

In Other News: Miami’s Shaquille O’Neal recorded a triple-double last night with 15 points, 11 rebounds, and 10 offers to star in Kazaam 3: I'm a big fucking genie.

-Adam Landres-Schnur

THIS is what we get to look forward to?

Writing a weekly column really isn’t as easy as you think. A writer has to come up with a decent idea, learn a little about that topic and then produce something timely, pertinent and mildly entertaining.

So while scouring (our thesaurus tells us that “scour” is synonymous with “search.” Cool.) sports media sources for a worthwhile story, we ran into a little poll on ESPN.com that got us thinking. The poll asked what upcoming sporting event people were most looking forward to:

• The NFL Draft (April 29-30)
• The start of the NBA Playoffs (April 22)
• The start of the NHL Playoffs (April 21)
• The Kentucky Derby (May 6)

To our amusement, the overwhelming response was the NFL Draft — the only choice that doesn’t involve a contest. While delighted with the response (we really like the NFL Draft!), it hammered home the fact that there are really no major sporting events to look forward to.

We know that there must be some NBA fans out there in this large world, but we just haven’t met any. The NBA, as a league, is flawed in more ways than Terrell Owens’ personality. The playoffs, for example, which start in 10 days, will not be over until 2012. They are the most dragged out, uneventful games any postseason has to offer.

Then the NHL playoffs, which are equally as long as the NBA’s format, just don’t get too many viewers because it’s, well, hockey.

The Kentucky Derby merits some interest from rich, Southern aristocrats, but college students probably can’t tell Churchill Downs from Emerald Downs. (And we’re guessing the inability to distinguish from a legendary site to, ugh, that one south on I-5, isn’t keeping too many kids up at night).

As for the NFL Draft, we just love it. It’s really a great event that seems to take just as long as the NBA Playoffs. We like it because college football excites us and we’re curious where big-name college stars will end up. Oh, and we get to hang out with hair boy, Mel Kiper Jr., for two straight days while he tells us the potential of some linebacker we never knew existed. What Mr. Kiper does during the rest of the year is beyond us, but if you happen to know, we’d love to hear. Despite liking the draft, all it really is is some names being announced.

Mid-column intermission: (By the way, we think these little tangents in the middle of a completely separate article are kinda tacky, but this story was just too good to leave out).

Former Philadelphia Phillies’ slugger Darren Daulton is back in the news and apparently has lost his fucking mind.

In an interview with Sports Illustrated, Daulton said, “Earth is entering a quadrant of space in which the ‘vibrational energy’ will increase dramatically. The Mayan calendar stops at Dec. 21, 2012 -- the date the Mayans believed the world would end,” he told SI. "On that day, at 11:11 a.m. Greenwich Mean Time, those who are ready to ascend will vanish from this plane of existence, like the crew of the Enterprise in Star Trek.”

Great, so Daulton thinks the world is gonna end on Dec. 21, 2012 — Greenwich Mean Time, of course. Neat. (Coincidentally, this season's NBA Finals are scheduled to begin that day at 5 p.m. Looks like we’re going to miss them. Shucks.)

Ok, back to the column. We’re by no means saying that this is a bad time in the sports season. We have Major League Baseball (ok, not in Seattle, but the rest of the country seems to field some professionals who can collect more than 4 runs in an entire series), UW spring football (all right, that may not be so exciting) and all sorts of NFL off-season moves with the Draft approaching.

Really what we’re trying, albeit miserably, to say, is that these four events that ESPN is trying to hype really are pretty lame and that there are no big, upcoming events to get truly excited about. Baseball is great, but with 162 games, each game doesn’t exactly carry the same implications as an NFL game.

The NBA and NHL playoffs and Kentucky Derby are just not too exciting. But hey, right when we’re getting deep into the NBA and NHL postseason, remember our boy Darren Daulton. Oh, and maybe prepare for the end of the world. Apparently it’s only an NBA postseason away.

This column was published in the University of Washington's The Daily.

In other news: While attorneys for the Duke lacrosse team said DNA testing failed to connect any members of the Duke University men's lacrosse team to the alleged sexual assault of an exotic dancer, the lawyers said there was a connection to the DNA of Kobe Byrant.

The ladies of Augusta National

Golf really isn't our thing. We don't play it. We don't talk about it. And we certainly don't watch it. Though, being the hypocrites we are, we tuned in to the last 10 minutes of The Masters yesterday, just in time to get a few good shots of Phil Mickelson's trophy (wife), Amy. This got us thinking about other hot golf-related babes, and because there really aren't too many, all we could come up with was Tiger's bitch. So we thought we'd compare Amy Mickelson to Elin Nordegren.

Background: Amy and Phil met while at Arizona State. While we are no ASU experts, sources tell us that an ASU education isn't exactly something you would brag about. So, based on that, and the fact that she's a blonde, we'll just assume that Amy is about as smart as a brick wall. Elin is a model. She like poses for pictures and stuff. She likely slept with a few cameramen along the way, so we think she may be a bit run through, but nonetheless...a model!

Edge: Tiger's ho.

Face: Both ladies are doing well in this department. Elin's a little more made-up while Amy seems to be going with the more natural look. It's a tough thing to judge, especially how it's kind of a preference thing and all, but we just think Amy looks a bit more innocent, which is sorta cool.

Edge: Phil's trophy

Body: We thought this would be a no-brainer, but the only no-brainers around here belong to ASU grad Amy Mickelson. (Zing!). Elin's clearly slammin' from that picture, but Amy is hangin' around. We thought child birth would have fucked up Amy's chances, but it looks like she handled the duty of birth nicely. Still though, hard to pick against a swimsuit model...

Edge: Tiger's ho

Intangibles: Amy really has that whole innocent, girl-next-door thing working for her, while Elin looks like a girl you'd see in an issue of Backdoor Blondes. Elin's probably sitting a little prettier financially, in that Tiger pulls in more cash from endorsements than Lefty, but both are loaded beyond belief. It really just boils down to who you'd rather bang, and, like we already said, it's hard to turn down a Swedish swimsuit model.

Edge: Tiger's ho

Overall: Tiger's ho takes the cake. (Though Tiger won't be having sex in a green jacket unlike 2006 Masters' champion, Phil "I whack off lefty" Mickelson).


In other news: The Cubs swept the Cardinals with an 8-4 win Sunday while Hell simultaneously froze over.

Our new banner!

Check out the new and improved "The Big Picture" banner. We now have our two favorite teams, the Giants and UW Husky basketball, with our very own title and slogan at the top of the page. We're pretty juiced about it.

And we owe it all to our homeboy Jeff at the kick-ass sports blog, The Sports Page. Jeff was kind enough to spend his own time to help our site look a little bit cooler.

So enjoy the new banner and make sure to drop by The Sports Page and give Jeff a hug for us.

ESPN Sports Nation is cool

ESPN put out this really thought-provoking poll, so we thought we'd share it with you. The first two answers are ESPN's choices, the others, well, aren't).

Enjoy!

Since we couldn't figure out how to actually make this a poll, leave us your answers in the comments section.

What do you think Brett Favre should do?

• Return to Packers
• Retire from NFL
• Make a decision, you indecisive fuck
• Join a cult with Joakim Noah
• Grow a '70s porn stache
• Make a movie titled, "Aaron Rodgers and Me"
• Play six games, be ineffective, get benched
• Become the new Stanford Tree
• Join the Fudge Packers
• Stop circle jerking with Roger Clemens

In other news: Wisconsin beat Boston College 2-1 to win the Frozen Four after a cross-check removed Boston College center, Craig Smith, from the game.

Play poker, drink the Kool-aid

It's been a week since we first told you about our sponsor, Online Poker Rakeback, so we figured best to give you a reminder.

For those of you who missed our first post, explaining what OPR is all about, read it here.

Basically, if you're into online gaming, rather than going directly to a poker room to sign up (such as Full Tilt, Absolute Poker, Ultimate Bet), first sign up with OPR and you can get up to 32% rakeback. (So if you paid $1,000 in rake, you'll get $320 back). Basically, Online Poker Rakeback is FREE money. Yes, free...unlike the sex you've been having with that hooker.

When you sign up at OPR, make sure you enter "The Big Picture" as your referral code. If you do this, we get a small sum of money that we will pump back into our little site.

With some extra cash, we could potentially invest in Photoshop so we can stop bugging the shit out of Jeff at The Sports Page about making us a cool banner like this one.

See, everybody wins. You guys play poker, win money and then get even more money back by signing up with OPR. We then get some money, our webpage looks better and everyone can drink some fucking purple Kool-Aid together and have a pants party.

Gators sophomores to return to school

GAINESVILLE, Fla. -- Florida sophomores Joakim Noah, Corey Brewer and Al Horford told the audience at their national championship celebration Friday that they plan to return to school for their junior season.

"We want to repeat," said Noah between his gapped teeth.

The Gators lose only one senior from their national championship team, forward Adrian Moss.

"We'll run the fuckin' show next year," Brewer told the crowd. "It's not about the millions in the NBA, it's about the pussy we can pull here."

Noah was named the Final Four's most outstanding player and Brewer and Horford both greatly contributed to Florida's championship run.

"Sure, we could be making some money (in the NBA) and playing a bit, but money's not an issue. Fuck, Coach Donovan's paying us right now."

Added Horford: "Really, it was an easy decision for me. To look around this wonderful campus and see so many sweet, sweet honeys who are lining up to take a ride...you just can't turn that down."

The Gators will likely be a top-five team next season if these players do, in fact, return for another year.

"You think we're lyin', fuckhead? We'll be back all right," said Noah. "Chasin' records and chasin' tail."

In other news: Brett Favre has hired a palm reader to decide his NFL future.

So that (almost) happened…but probably never will

Your record’s safe, Joey D.

After an 0-4 performance in yesterday’s 4-2 loss to the St. Louis Cardinals, Jimmy Rollins’ bid at DiMaggio’s 56-game hit streak came to a pretty dull ending.

In the back story, the Phillies (still not sure why you’d name a team after the people from that town. In essence that’s suggesting that the common Philly fan could have a 38-game hit streak and be a fucking G like our boy Jimmy) pretty much got reamed by Albert Pujols (.788 average, 23 home runs, 2358792 RBIs) in a three-game set.

But this 38-game hit streak got us to thinking about records, Rollins and Alameda, Calif. — Rollins' hometown.

Any Philly (people from the city, female horses — it’s all relative) will say Rollins’ streak is pretty impressive. We absolutely agree. The dude got a hit in every game for over a month. We have a hard time making it to work every day each week, no less every day of each month.

(Coincidental aside: we’re at work while writing this post, showing:
1. Our dedication to this small, humble site and
2. That we don’t really do much actual work while at the office).

Still, Rollins was three weeks worth of base-knocks away from breaking Joe’s mark. That’s like an entire moon cycle (so we like astronomy) or a first-round series in the NBA.

There’s really no logical reason to think this streak will ever be broken. But starting the other day was the Barry Bonds walk streak — now at two games. If he walks in every game for the next nine weeks it’ll be, ugh, sorta pointless.

A closing thought: Rollins' streak gives the lovely town of Alameda (Ok, we don't know if Alameda is actually its own town — we think it’s technically part of Oakland which is awesome, but is also an island which we aren’t so OK with) a great name…for no particular reason (except that he’s from there and probably had play dates with Dontrelle Willis. We like to think it would’ve been cute if they played on the same Little League team, but we’d rather believe they were LEGOs addicts.)

Editor's note: We did some research (in the form of a Google search) and discovered that Alameda does, in fact, have its own government. Good for them.

-Adam Landres-Schnur

Adam Landres-Schnur is the editor of the University of Washington's The Daily. Despite being an editor and having a B.A. in Journalism, he still uses run-on sentences. We do not commend him for this.

A tradition unlike any other

In other news: Dodgers' closer Eric Gagne will have surgery on his elbow after he hurt it in a fight with Tommy John.

Gooden better get a grip (on the soap)

From New York comes a sad, sad story. The New York Knicks...no wait, that isn't sad. That shit's hilarious!

The devastation takes shape of former Cy Young winner and New York Metropolitan, Doc Gooden. The former pitching standout has run into harm's way again and was sentenced to a year in prison after violating his probation by talking shit to Larry Brown. Again, that's not the case. Gooden took some drugs, likely up his nose, and admitted that he had a problem with cocaine.

Really, this is a tragic tale. Gooden was a helluva pitcher who ran with the wrong crowd. Instead of sniffing, ugh, the sweet smell of a woman, he was sniffing powder.

We don't know if Gooden is buddy-buddy with Tennessee basketball coach Bruce Pearl, but perhaps they know some of the same people -- like the kind of people who do business out of back alleys.

The Big Picture is behind you, Doc. Let's just cross our fingers that there's no one named Butch behind you in the shower.

In other news: Suns forward Amare Stoudemire will miss the rest of the season after his second knee surgery and will change his name to Grant Hill.

To read today

What to read while fielding syringes in left field...

Deadspin - Head honcho Will Leitch is an esteemed author. Ok, maybe not esteemed, but hey, he's published.

The Sports Pulse - Our homie Benny is a Florida alum. (We don't think he'll be joining the team at Disney World though.

Mr. Irrelevant - Mr. Irrelevant discovers that people drink beer at baseball games. Strange.

The Hater Nation - We thought this was a pretty nice list.

YAYsports! - If you guys haven't read YAYsports! yet, you're missing out. We especially like the NCAA section, where the main writer apparently has some tar on his heel.

The Sports Page - If only we had his banner. Damn his art looks good.

Insomniac's Lounge - We feel for Insomniac. He's a UCLA guy and he may have played better against the Gators than the actual team did.

The Mighty MJD - He's got a bone to pick with the UC, err..., cheerleaders in general.

Sports Blah - These guys are all about the MLS opening day. We don't know why either.

Gary Williams gets second title, reach-around

Ok, so Gary Williams doesn't coach women's basketball, though at times we suspected that Steve Blake was a little bitch. But the Maryland women's team just won a National Championship. They're going to Disneyland! (Right after they go shopping and get their nails done).

We know what you're thinking: "What the fuck are these douche bags doing writing about female sports?"

Um, we definitely understand your concern, but we hate to tell you that we're not:

a. drunk
b. high
c. drunk and high
d. trying to get some ass
e. losers of a bet
f. hallucinating

Really. We just thought it'd be appropriate to write about this women's championship game. If you didn't see it, it was a pretty good game. Far more entertaining than that bullshit in Indianapolis. The Terps beat Duke 78-75 in OT, and, as far as we know, nobody dunked. It was women's basketball at its finest, which is saying it was kinda like watching Beer League softball.

And by the way, the chick in the bottom left of the above photo is not Yoakim Noah, despite popular belief.

This post was brought to you by Title IX.

Florida sure reminds us of '03 Syracuse

Ok, we may be making a bit of a reach here, but that's what we're all about.

Something about this Florida team seems a bit familiar. Call if déjà vu if you like...we just think we've heard it somewhere before.

When Syracuse won the National Championship in 2003, they were a #3 seed, beat a #2 in the finals (Kansas) and had a star emerge (Carmelo).

Taking this Gators squad, they too were a three seed, beat second-seed UCLA in the finals and saw the emergence of a star (Jim Jones).

We know that aside from a few similarities, there isn't all that much in common between the '06 Gators and the '03 (enter your favorite racist Native American term here), but still, something about this Florida team just screams Syracuse.

In other news: The Padres and Giants were postponed Tuesday after it was raining syringes at Petco Park.

Roger Clemens has dirty clothes

We’ve said on a number of occasions that sometimes this site writes itself. Again true. But The Big Picture and Roger Clemens learned yesterday that clothes don’t in fact clean themselves.

Clemens, good pitcher and newfound racist, said something yesterday that he dare not repeat to his launder.

“None of the dry cleaners were open, they were all at the game, Japan and Korea,” Clemens told the Associated Press yesterday about the fans of the World Baseball Classic. “So we couldn’t get any dry cleaning done out there, but I guess the neatest thing is that 50,000 of them were at Anaheim Stadium.”

Whoa. Just whoa!

We aren’t particularly big Clemens fans here, mainly because he’s from Texas and ‘cause he can’t make up his fucking mind about playing baseball this season.

But this racially insensitive comment takes our hatred for this prick to a whole new level.

For starters, Rog — you mind if we call you that, racist? — not all dry cleaners are run by Asians. And we’re gonna take a stab and say that there are a few more than 50,000 people working as launders in the greater Los Angeles area. We bet if you looked real, real hard (like somewhere other than Japan Town, you racist fuck), you could have had your clothes cleaned with your integrity still intact.

We have to wonder, though, what the fuck were you trying to get dry-cleaned on a couple-day road trip? Word has it that they have people who wash the uniforms for you after the game. And they probably aren’t all Japanese or Korean.

Clemens must’ve been sweating profusely while the dry-cleaners whooped on Team USA.

Although un-reported, we’re guessing that Clemens had a hard time getting his house cleaned while the U.S. played Mexico.

In Other News: The NCAA plans summer drug tests for NCAA athletes and winter drug tests for Little Leaguers.

-Adam Landres-Schnur

So that sucked

CBS Sports is not happy. People in the wonderful (wonderful? what the fuck?) city of Indianapolis are not happy. College basketball fans are not happy. (Joakim Noah, by the way, is very happy. More to come on Noah later).

So why is everyone upset? Well, for starters, George Mason lost, ending the dream of a Mid-Major winning the title. That alone caused great agony. Seeing Cinderella eaten by an alligator is a horrendously violent sight. But the real reason folks are a bit blue is because the Final Four, arguably the greatest finish to the best postseason tournament in any sport, was about as entertaining as an Adam Sandler movie minus Adam Sandler.

Three games in Indy. Three lopsided outcomes. Three teams who forgot to show up for their final game. There is usually so much anticipation for the Final Four, but this year, it was the Final Bore. (You can pat us on the back later for coming up with that line).

Going into the National Semifinals (just think about it…it’s the same thing as saying the Final Four, but now that we’ve said “Final Four” about 36 times, it’s probably best to switch it up.) there seemed to be two schools of thought on the end to a wild NCAA Tournament: Group #1 thought it was great to have a surprise Cinderella story and no top seeds in Indianapolis. Group #2 was disappointed that they would not see perennial powers square off— say a Duke/UConn final — and thought that the last few games of the college basketball season would be mildly entertaining. Well, it looks like Group #2 kicked Group #1’s collective ass.

The last three games of the season were just awful. No big runs, no buzzer-beaters and, more importantly, no close games. Florida dominated Cinderella Saturday, and UCLA held LSU to a touchdown and a field goal en route to making Glen “Big Baby” Davis look like, well, a baby.

Then Monday, with many UW folks likely rooting for UCLA (and thus for the Pac-10, West Coast and the fact that the Dawgs beat the Bruins twice, making UW the default National Champs had UCLA won), Florida played like the best team in the country, while looking goofing in the process.

Which brings us to the topic du jour: Joakim Noah. If you haven’t watched him play, you’re missing out. But if you do watch Noah, make sure to hide the women and children! He’s perhaps the goofiest fella we’ve ever seen do anything. Ever.

(Side note: We're not exactly sure what Noah is doing in the picture above, but we think he's either practicing a new dance move or in the process of giving birth).

Here’s Noah’s deal: He’s a tall, athletic forward who is remarkably good at blocking shots and looking weird. Good enough at all that he was voted most outstanding player in the Final Four and blocked a championship game-record six shots to propel Florida over UCLA.

He’s the son of a former tennis great, Yannick Noah, and Cecilia Rodhe, a top-five finisher in the Miss Universe competition from Sweden. Though looking at Joakim, we’ll suggest the possibility that the Miss Universe lady is not his biological mother. C’mon, just look at Joakim — there’s no way he’s the son of some hot Swedish babe.

Apparently Joakim has an infectious personality and, based on certain pictures we’ve seen with Noah wearing a long gown, he looks like he may be looking to infect some people with a little “Special Kool-Aid” too. We’re not sure if Noah has any ties to Jim Jones and the People’s Temple, but we’re looking into it.

Noah’s height, quickness and gap in his front teeth helped Florida cruise to the win over UCLA. Now, going from unknown kid to well-known star in the span of one tournament, Noah will likely be a top-20 pick in the NBA Draft if the sophomore decides to leave school early. With his new NBA cash, perhaps he could look into some orthodonture.

Noah was a bright spot in the Final Four, but nothing else really was. It was one of the most memorable tourneys that we can, ugh, remember, but it came to a cheap, disheartening finish — much like a nigt with a hooker. We just wanted one last dance to leave a good taste of the college basketball season on our palette, but, as you all know, sometimes that dance is not meant to be had. We’ll just have to wait until next year.

This column was published in the University of Washington's The Daily.

In other news: Albert Pujols hit two homeruns against Philadelphia Monday after having a playdate with Barry Bonds and Victor Conte.

Creative advertising?

We would have rather seen a sign that read: "Fire Alou."

...And then there were two

Photo courtesy of The Sports Pulse

So after one of the wildest months we have ever seen, it comes down to some little bears and swamp things. Seeing a No. 2 seed take on a No. 3 is certainly no shock in terms of the seeding, but still, who the hell saw these two teams playing for the National Title? Well soothsayers, not us. Both the Pac-10 and SEC were pretty lousy this year, so somehow UCLA and Florida doesn't seem so representative of the college basketball year as a whole. But fuck it, That's what we got tonight, and you better believe we'll be watching.

#2 UCLA vs #3 Florida:

The court in Indianapolis will feature some very unsightly tall people. Joakim Noah, Lorenzo Mata, Ryan Hollins...the list goes on...are just not attractive people. It's a good thing they're good basketball players on great teams because, otherwise, they probably wouldn't know what a woman looks like.

As for the game, UCLA's defense has been remarkable, while Florida really hasn't been in a dogfight yet. Both teams are playing the best ball they've played all season and will need to keep it up tonight in order to win this one.

We just have a feeling, with all that tradition, that UCLA will win this game. It won't be pretty, likely low scoring, but a clutch shot from either Farmar or Afflalo will ice it late.

The Big Picture pick: UCLA (which lost to UW twice! Take that, National Champs).

This post was brought to you by the gap between Joakim Noah's front teeth.