Breaking news: Seahawks' van struck by gate, lightning

As the Seahawks' were heading downtown to a news conference, their van was struck by an automated parking gate. (There was no lightning, but from the magnitude of this story on the local news, there may as well have been). Matt Hasselbeck, Shaun Alexander and Walter Jones were the biggest stars in the car. Everybody was fine, nobody was hurt, and Matt Hasselbeck is still bald.

Perhaps a ploy to generate more news during this boring fucking week? We think so too.

Favre contemplates thinking about retirement

Backwoods, Miss. -- Green Bay quarterback Brett Favre said Sunday from his home in Mississippi that he was considering retiring. He told ESPN's Chris Mortensen in an interview that, "If I had to pick right now and make a decision, I would say I'm not coming back."

But making decisions is not Favre' strong point. He's known for making poor decisions in key games and he's characterized as not good at making decisions at all.

"I think I want to retire because I'm getting older," said Favre, 67. "But then again, I think I wanted to retire three years ago and here I am. I think I'll probably wake up tomorrow and decide I want to be the fucking president."

Favre has played 37 seasons in the NFL and the Packers were 4-12 last season, his worst ever.

"We were fuckin' terrible last year," said Favre. "It didn't help losing Ahman (Packers' running back Ahman Green), but I just couldn't get it together. I think I was too caught up in trying to decide what I was going to eat for dinner on game nights."

Favre threw 20 TDs against 29 INTs in the 2005 campaign and had meatloaf for dinner three nights a week.

There was lots of speculation about how Favre would react to the firing of former head coach Mike Sherman, but Favre made his feelings clear.


"Sure, Shermie blew last year." he said, "He certainly needed to go. But this new guy the front office brought in? I mean, who the fuck do they think I am? I especially don't want to play for this dickhead."

The "dickhead" whom Favre spoke of was new Packers' coach Mike McCarthy who previously was the offensive coordinator for the 49ers. It is unclear at this time if McCarthy actually has a penis attached to his head, but sources are looking into it.

According to an AP wire story, Favre suggested to Mortensen it was not his physical shape that was complicating his decision, instead acknowledging a host of factors, such as his daughter's upcoming high school graduation.

"If she's anything like me," Favre said of his daughter, "she'll decide on what college she wants to attend when she's 26. But it better be Southern Miss. Go Eagles!"

Asked what he'd miss most if he were to retire, Favre said, "It'd have to be the road trips. I'd love to go into a hostile city, kick the shit out their team, and then fine some hot, young broads to nail back in the hotel."

It's likely that Favre will stay in football even after his retirement, which could be anywhere from tomorrow to 2071. Favre said he would consider coaching or perhaps broadcasting, but he said, "It may take me a while to decide. I'll get back to you in a couple of years."

In other news: The Denver Broncos are speaking with Terrell Owens about the possibility of him being their head cheerleader next season.

All the right questions for Media Day

While you’ve been trying to digest the news that Jerome Bettis is from Detroit and that ketchup is a big deal in Pittsburgh for the past week, the clock toward Super Bowl XL is winding down, albeit very slowly. The media is in Detroit, the players are in Detroit and the fans are probably checking out the sites of Flint, Mich.

While we don’t exactly have the credentials to make it to the big game, we figured that we could at least draw up some questions to ask the players and coaches on Media Day. You know, for practice. And because these questions will never get answered, we thought it would be best to write some questions that are probably better unanswered.

Here’s what we would ask:

Shaun Alexander, running back, Seattle:

-So Shaun, being from Kentucky and all, do you find yourself especially close with your mother/sister/cousin?

-We noticed you have a gap in your teeth. Does that pretty much defeat the purpose of flossing?

-Does having two first names ever bother you?

Matt Hasselbeck, quarterback, Seattle:

-Matt, you seem to constantly be wearing a hat – in fact you are right now. Just for looks, right? Not like you’d be trying to cover anything up or anything.

-What’s the deal with your brother, Tim? Isn’t he married to that chick from Survivor? How’s that going?

Sean Locklear, offensive tackle, Seattle:

-How’s your girlfriend’s neck?

-Are you friendly at all with Jason Kidd or Kobe Bryant? Apparently you guys have some stuff in common.

Mike Holmgren, head coach, Seattle:

-You have this moustache. Can you please elaborate?

-Do you feel that you take better care of your facial hair, than say, Adam Morrison?

Ken Hamlin, safety, Seattle:

Been to Pioneer Square lately, Ken?

Ben Roethlisberger, quarterback, Pittsburgh:


-So they call you “Big Ben.” Did you give yourself that nickname or did like some girl give it to you or something?

-About “Big Ben.” Does your mother call you that? ‘Cause that would be a little weird.

-Pick your brand: Schick, Gillette, Bic, Norelco, or Braun?

Hines Ward, wide receiver, Pittsburgh:

-Does “Hines” mean something or were your parents just out to get you?

-Do you find any irony that your name is that of a ketchup company in, none other than Pittsburgh?

Jerome Bettis, running back, Pittsburgh:

-We keep hearing how you grew up in Detroit. As a teenager, would you and your friends ever get loaded and go to Ford Headquarters and yell something like, “Ford sucks, Toyota rules”?

-Jerome, they call you “The Bus.” Does it help with the ladies?

Troy Polamalu, strong safety, Pittsburgh:

-Are you trying to make some sort of point with your hair or is just ugly as hell on purpose?

-Have you ever considered donating your locks? We know at least one guy on the opposing team who could use it.

Bill Cowher, head coach, Pittsburgh:

-Coach, we’ve noticed that you’ve looked the exact same since 1992. What’s your secret?

-Hypothetically speaking, if you were to win on Sunday, do you think you may smile?

Perhaps it’s better that these questions won’t be asked on Media Day.


This column was published in the University of Washington's The Daily.


In other news: The Minnesota T-Wolves beat the Indiana Hoosiers 61-42 Sunday.

They're ALL seniors. I get it. Clever name.

While you were still trying to digest the news that Jerome Bettis is from Detroit, the next wave of NFLers were being showcased in Mobile, Ala. during Saturday's Senior Bowl.

The game itself -- a 31-14 North romp -- was pretty uneventful. The top prospects at the skill positions were Vanderbilt QB Jay Cutler and Memphis RB DeAngelo Williams, and neither did much. The MVP was Miami wideout Sinorice Moss who had like 40 yards receiving and a TD. I'm certain he was awarded the MVP for having the name Sinorice, not the jaw-dropping stats. (And being related to Redskins' WR Santana Moss probably helped a bit).

But there were all sorts of other stories that made the game rather interesting (and pretty fucking confusing). For example, despite the campuses of USC and UCLA being no more than 10 miles apart, the Trojans were on the North squad while the Bruins were placed on the South squad. Not sure what to think about that. Somebody either doesn't know much about geography or this was some sort of social statement.

I nearly fell out of my proverbial seat when I saw who was roaming the sidelines for the South: Norv Turner! He was part of the 49ers' coaching staff that was in charge the Southern boys. I'm glad he's still employed after a week as the Niners' offensive coordinator, though he may not be for long. The South team racked up a whopping 179 yards of total offense. That's not surprising coming from a team coached by either Norv Turner or Mike Nolan. Kudos on a job well done. Looking forward to next season!

ESPN NFL Draft guru, Mel Kiper Jr., made a sterling performance as always. He made good comments, had quick reads and shook defenders like flies. But scouts are concerned whether his hair will fit under a helmet, so he's expected to be a second-day pick -- fifth-round at best.

So who helped their stock? Penn State QB Michael Robinson sure looked good running the ball, but he most definitely won't being playing quarterback on Sundays. Virginia offensive lineman D'Brickashaw Ferguson never has a bad game (likely because his name is D'Brickashaw), and this Sinorice kid did all right.

Who didn't look good? Well Jay Cutler looked iffy. He's projected as a top-10 pick and the third QB taken (behind Leinart and Young). I'm skeptical about him though because he played at Vanderbilt. The fact that they had a football team was news to me. Derek Hagan, wideout from Arizona State, dropped some balls which isn't good if you're a receiver. If football doesn't work out for him, I'm sure he could fall back on that ASU education. On second thought...

And at the end of the day, there were even cheerleaders at the Senior Bowl. What they were cheering is unclear to us. Maybe they were rooting for the city of Mobile. It could probably use all the help it can get.

In other news: The Boston Red Sox acquired outfielder Coco Crisp from the Indians for a big-name prospect and some Corn Pops.

Proof that man evolved from ape

Andre the Giant don't have shit on this guy.

Not a good day for the role models of America

You hear it all the time how athletes are these awesome role models and all. Well, yesterday's events may make kids anywhere and everywhere reconsider their heroes.

Washington Redskins' safety Sean Taylor is looking at a potential of 46 years for spitting in the face of Michael Pittman, while former UNLV standout and NBA dunk contest winner, Isaiah Rider, was arrested on charges of kidnapping. Fucking kidnapping!


Taylor, who allegedly threatened three people with a gun in an armed confrontation over -- get this -- an all-terrain vehicle on June 1, had two more assault charges filed against him yesterday. The 22-year-old faces three counts of aggravated assault, which, if convicted, could mean a lot of time being someone's bitch in the clink. (The spitting won't merit jail time, but he may want to consider not ever doing that again).

But let's back up a second. What the fuck was Taylor doing pulling a gun over a confrontation over some ATV? Did they skip his turn getting a ride on the sand dunes? As for 46 years...whoa. The chances of him serving those years are minimal. He's a star athlete and star athletes don't go to jail and especially don't drop the soap in the prison shower if they happen to end up there. I mean, Ray Lewis killed a guy and they gave him a slap on the wrist and a pack of Twizzlers for his wrongdoing.


As for Rider...kidnapping! Really? That's pretty messed up. He always had a troubled career, really adding to the whole Jail Blazers thing while in Portland. He's been busted before for being late to practice, spitting at fans (Sean Taylor-esque coincidentally) and smoking weed. But this takes the cake. He better have a really good lawyer and really good excuse (like that he was high as shit or something) to move on from this blunder. Bail's been set at $2 million, so he better get selling those drugs.

In other news: In a PR-move to sound even tougher, The Anaheim Mighty Ducks have decided to drop the "Mighty" from their name and just be called "The sissy-ass dudes in teal."

Like she's a Seahawks' fan

Welcome to Fairweather, USA, home of your Super Seahawks. The word is out that Fairweather, USA (also known in some social circles as Seattle) is home to, well, fairweather fans.

I live in this wonderful city filled with (enter your favorite caffeine, grunge music and shitty weather cliché here). Missing from the bunch is just terrible, terrible fans.

You could feel the excitement here in the city last Sunday when the 'Hawks clinched their first Super Bowl since the existence of birds. But this town is loaded with bandwagon jumpers, fairweather fans, and people who cheer, but don't know what the fuck a sea hawk is.

Exhibit A:

Gearing up to watch the NFC Championship game, my roommate (naturally a girl -- sorry to those readers who are women, but on second thought, I probably don't have any of those) asked where I was watching the game. I explained that I preferred to watch alone or with one or two buddies, so we could actually watch the game. She said she was going to a bar and I asked why. She said to watch the game because she was sooooo excited. And on que, she proceeds to ask who is playing. I nearly pulled a Sean Locklear and strangled her ass. And she's not the only one in this town. People have come out of the woodworks to show their support. I like that people are excited, but I would prefer if they knew why they were excited.

Exhibit B:

Where the fuck are the flags? So they're flying a 12th Man flag atop the Space Needle, but aside from that, I've seen none. What happened to folks hanging flags in the window of their home, or small ones from their cars? The support extends to an occasional conversation about the Super Bowl. That's about it. It's only a big deal around here if it's a part of some social scene.

Exhibit C:

(If you think of something good, leave a comment, and it will be added here).


Sure the fans at the games are loud, but outside Qwest Field, they are few and far between. If the Seahawks win XL, I want to see people crying with joy. If they lose, I want to see the same fucking tears.


In other news: Sources have announced that the "K" in Coach Krzyzewski is, in fact, silent.

Ron Mexico angry at Virginia Tech

Ron Mexico (alias Michael Vick) isn't very happy.

After stomping on Elvis Dumervil's leg, brandishing a gun in a McDonald's parking lot, speeding on a suspended license, nailing underage girls, smoking weed, probably smoking crack, harboring illegal immigrants, robbing jewelry stores for $175 in cash, and pouring gasoline on workers on his ranch, his lil' bro, Lil' Mexico, was booted off the Virginia Tech football team earlier this month.

But Big Mexico thinks his brother was wrongly dismissed from the team.

"Sometimes your emotions just take over," Big Mexico told the Associated Press during halftime Wednesday night of the Atlanta Hawks' game against the Cleveland Cavaliers. "I know Marcus. He's not the kind of kid that's going to do something like that on purpose. That's just something he's got to live with, and now it's just time to move on."

Lil' Mexico's emotions likely took over at a Virginia McDonald's too. The toy in his Happy Meal sucked, so he pulled a gun on three teenagers and probably said something clever like, "Super size this, bitch."

Big Mexico continued, "He didn't do anything wrong. The world will all know when the truth comes out."

Well, according to the legal system, pulling a gun on kids and smoking weed is doing something wrong. But who's counting anyway?

(Thanks to Deadspin for the photo.)

Micah Downs misses home, leaves KU

Micah Downs, who played at seven high schools and his senior year at Juanita in the Seattle suburb of Kirkland, Wash., will look to play at more than one college as well.

Downs has left the Kansas Jayhawks to "resolve some personal issues," Jayhawks' coach Bill Self said in a statement.

That, and the fact that he kind of sucks. The 6-8 freshman forward was scoring 4.3 points per game at Kansas and scoring with about .002 girls there as well.

There was brief talk about the University of Washington being interested in Downs, but Coach Lorenzo Romar soon discovered that he was a tall, lanky white dude.

Downs also appears to have Down Syndrome, despite sources saying he doesn't. But, as they say, a picture is worth a thousand words.


Norv Turner update: Late Wednesday night and our homeboy Norv is still employed!

Ron Arest to fight in Sacramento

So our favorite NBA star, Ron Artest, is coming to Northern California. We haven't been this excited since the Niners hired Norv Turner.

After going back and forth about whether or not he would play for the Kings (did someone say A-Rod and World Baseball Classic? Thought so.) Artest was traded for Peja Stodkdlgdjolkjvic and a bag of Cheetos.

Artest brings his badass attitude to Northern California, which quickly is becoming a thuggish area. The Raiders got Randy Moss last year, and the Oakland A's went out and got Milton Bradley and Frank Thomas this offseason -- both who are huge G's!

Speaking of the baggage that Ronnie brings to the Kings, Artest filled suitcases with personal possessions including 500 copies of his hit CD and a pair of boxing gloves. You know, to fight with.

This deal, which was thought to have gone through a few days ago, was held up when Artest briefly called off the trade. He had to consider all of the elements, such as what was best for his family. Like Indianapolis is the cultural center of the world or something. Hey, and Sacramento's not half bad. It has a river at least.

Artest, back in the news, only reminds us of the Basketbrawl that happened last season in Detroit. That brawl/riot, in our opinion, was one of the best things to ever happen to the NBA. Never have people been more glued to the TV watching something related to that league.

Fans in Sacramento should welcome Artest with open arms. He is, after all, a pretty decent player...but a better fighter. I fully support heckling and throwing shit in order to inflict another riot -- this time in Sacto. Hey, anything's possible when Artest is on the floor (or in the stands).


In other news: Marshall upset West Virginia in college hoops after the Mountaineers discovered that "Pittsnogle" is not a verb.

LeBron's mother charged with DWI

AKRON, Ohio -- Gloria James, mother of Cleveland Cavaliers' star LeBron James, was arrested last week for driving while intoxicated, disorderly conduct and other charges, police said.

"I was high as shit too!" said James, 37, of suburban Green, Ohio.

James reeked of alcohol and appeared to be disoriented. She was going 50 MPH in a 30-MPH zone.

"I woulda been going faster, but it's tough to drink and drive at the same time," James said. "You think I can multi-task?"

Apparently James was multi tasking, though. According to sources, police searched her vehicle and found a bottle of Jack Daniel's, three empty cans of whipped cream and a 6'8" bong that was in the shape of her son, LeBron.

"'Bron turned me onto the whippits," said James. "He also got me into refrigerator fumes. That shit is the fucking chronic!"

James didn't go down without a fight. According to an AP story, she kicked a window of the police cruiser she was being taken away in, but didn't break the glass.

"You'd think she would've been stronger," said an unnamed Akron police officer. "I mean, she gave birth to a fucking beast and her weak ass can't even break a window?"

James posted a $2,500 bond and was released from jail. She appeared in an Akron court Monday and pleaded innocent to several charges, which included drunk driving and disorderly conduct. She will have a pretrial hearing early next month.

LeBron James was unavailable for comment by phone, but sources speculated that he was at the local supermarket stocking up on whipped cream.

In other news: The Sacramento Kings are pursuing Ron Artest to ignite their offense and to beat the hell out of Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger next time he's in Arco Arena.

Hating Fox Sports, Part 4: Joe Buck

Let's face it: Joseph Buck is a daddy's boy. His father, longtime great commentator, Jack, was legendary. And son, Joseph, is anything but.

Craig Barker, commenting on bravesbeat.com, suggested that Joseph, "Will sell anything Fox tells him to sell. He'll promote anything. He's a pathetic corporate 'yes' man riding his no talent ass on his father's coattails."

That seems just about right. He resembles a puppet (or one of those dudes from "Team America") and seems to be a puppet for Fox Sports as well.

We've ripped on good ol' Joe pretty good here at The Big Picture. We've compared him to a brick wall, stuffed animal and an asshole. Stating the obvious, he's all of the above.

It's not so much that Joseph says stupid things from time to time. I can look past that. It's how he calls the game. He can make the most exciting game, play or moment as dull as his love life. For example, after the Chicago White Sox won their first World Series in 300 years, he said something monumental and profound like, "And the White Sox have won the World Series" in a monotone voice that public speaking teachers will tell you to never, ever use.

It's safe to say that if ESPN's Mike Patrick (one of my favorites) was calling that game, he may have had a fucking heart attack in pure jubilation and excitement. There's nothing exciting about Joseph.

Football is no better. Hearing him call a playoff game is agonizing. Buck's ignorance, and gift for making things boring, makes his partner in crime (and perhaps in bed), Troy Aikman, sound far better than he actually is.

According to Wikipedia, an online encyclopedia, Joseph has won numerous Sports Emmy Awards, which apparently get handed out to anybody who has access to a microphone.

Joseph is bad for sports, bad for fans and bad for society. The Big Picture certainly does not salute you and prefers that you take no part in calling anything that people actually plan to watch.

Read more about how Fox Sports sucks here, here and here.

Is Detroit that bad?

If you’ve been lying under a rock the last few days, well, that probably wasn’t very fun. But if you haven’t, you’ll know that the Seahawks, yes, our Seattle Super Seahawks are in the Super Bowl!

The ‘Hawks have never made the Super Bowl, which makes this feat even more remarkable. It still seems surreal to many.

But for how wonderful going to Super Bowl XL is for the team, the fans and the city, the Super Seahawks really picked the wrong year to go.

Why? Because they now have to go to Detroit.

I don’t intend to rip into Detroit (too much). I’ve never been and I’m sure there are some wonderful qualities about it.

But if you’re going to make it to the Super Bowl XL (which, by the way, stands for 40, not extra large – despite it feeling extra-large for Seahawks’ fans), how ‘bout playing in Miami, New Orleans or San Diego. Those are the most common spots for the Super Bowl, and frankly, there’s a good reason why.

Those cities are warm, festive and perfect for rich tourists who are pretty much the only people who can afford actually going to the Super Bowl.

And Detroit, yeah, not so much. The weather this week calls for possible rain and temperatures ranging from the mid-20s to the high-30s, Motown isn’t too big anymore, and instead of South Beach or the French Quarter, there’s, well, probably an assembly line or two.

But who knows. There must be something to do in the Motor City for the players (really, more like their wives and kids) and the fans (again, rich, corporate execs who could tell you the names of some good stocks, but not the names of the players in the Seahawks’ backfield).

For example, folks looking to kill some time before the game could go see a car show or visit the Henry Ford Museum.

Cars aren’t your thing, huh?

How ‘bout catching a basketball game? The Pistons play in nearby Auburn Hills. Maybe you’ll make it to the game on a good night and get your ass kicked by Ron Artest.

Don’t want to get too sported-out before the big game?

Maybe entertainment is more up your alley. They once made a movie that took place in Flint, Mich. Perhaps Michael Moore will be around filming a sequel to “Roger and Me.” You could be in a movie!

Not sounding too wild? There must be bars. I would recommend spending a while in one of those. Yeah, definitely hit the bars.

The Super Bowl being played in Detroit is the second time the game has been in Michigan and only the third time the National Holiday has taken place in a cold-weather city. (Minneapolis hosted in ’92).

Speaking of Minnesota, that wouldn’t have been a bad spot to go this year, despite the crummy weather. Tourists could have looked into renting a private cruise on Lake Minnetonka, à la the Minnesota Vikings. And former Vikings’ head coach, Mike Tice, probably would have had no trouble at all scalping tickets to the big game in his own backyard.

Too bad.

Following Super Bowls will be held in Miami (next year), Glendale (Phoenix), Ariz., Tampa, then back to Miami in 2010.

So, as you can see, for how wonderful this season has been for the Super Seahawks and the fans and the city and the local bars and the scalpers, aside from going to the Super Bowl XL, there’s not too much happening in Detroit.

This column was published in the University of Washington's The Daily.

In other news: Kobe Bryant scored 81 points Sunday night against Fairfax High School.

On to Motown

I'm back! Two boring games, two correct picks. I'm, as some played-out Sportscenter anchor would say, "En Fuego." I'll give you some fire...

Steelers 34, Broncos 17:


-Riddle me this: What's uglier? Jake Plummer or the way he played? Despite his three devastating turnovers, Plummer looks like he has been living in some cave in the Rockies for the past three years. I got physically nauseous looking at him.

-But you can't place the loss solely on Plummer, even though I'd like to. Pittsburgh played a helluva game.

-Big Ben Roethlisberger, opposing QB and cave man, had a fantastic game. I think my whole calling him out thing got him all pumped up. Yeah, something like that.

-I really like Bill Cowher. I mean, the guy is just cool. And I'm glad he keeps winning because, with that look on his face, I'd be scared to see what he's like when they lose. Perhaps he'd do something crazy like rob a jewlery store for $175 or brandish a gun at a local McDonald's. Or not.

-The officiating wasn't bad. A shocker.

-Two weeks before Super Bowl XL and I'm telling you now, the Steelers will be tough to beat.


Seahawks 34, Panthers 14:

-Boorriiiing.

-This was supposed to be an exciting, intense game. Even in Seattle, people didn't seem especially entertained.

-I'm glad that Joe Buck dwelled on the fact that their was no Gatorade bath for Mike Holmgren. Great commentating, Joseph.

-Jake Delhomme came into the playoffs as the highest rated passer in playoff history. 15-35 for 196 yards, a TD and 3 INTS won't help that number.

-Despite not having the rapist/porn star beard, Delhomme and his terrible passes looked awfully like Jake Plummer yesterday.

-And some of those throws Delhomme made. I mean, what the fuck? Young Alex Smith could've done better than that.

-Seattle makes its first ever trip to the Super Bowl. Bet they're glad it came the year it's being held in Detroit. Big whoop there. Maybe they'll make a tourist stop in Flint, Mich.

-And at the end of the day, we're looking at Pittsburgh and Seattle in Super Bowl XL with the Steelers an early 3.5-point favorite. Get ready for constant coverage of a game that won't be played until next month. I know I'm ready.


In other news: After speeding while driving drunk, sources have confirmed that LeBron James' mother, Gloria, was kicked off of the Virginia Tech football team.

Oh yeah, football

I often see eye to eye with the Mighty MJD, but he's 6-2 -- picking just the winners (no spread). I'm 6-2 also. But our boy MJD is calling himself "awesome," while I'm going heavy on the whiskey to forget about my two wrong picks. Well, two conference championship games give me the chance for two more wins. 8-2. I'd take that. Let's dance, shall we?

Panthers at Seahawks:

I can say that I am genuinely looking forward to this game. To hear Joe Buck's voice? Certainly not. Mr. Buck will call the game as if he were staring at a brick wall. Speaking of brick walls...that must be what Buck is like in person. He's probably great conversation at a party.

Folks up here in Seattle are pretty excited about this one because the Seahawks actually have a chance to make the Super Bowl and teams in this city don't win championships much. (Unless we're talking about the WNBA and the Seattle Storm who are reigning champs [2 points for the pun!] and would just kick the shit out of the Sonics if they were to play). Also, I'd say about 95% of this fairweather city (not talking about the real weather, which, by the way, is nothing near "fair") has hopped on the Seahawks' bandwagon headed for Detroit. I'd be in the minority, in case you were wondering.

In terms of the game, you should be thinking Seahawks' offense versus Panthers defense (I think). For the 'Hawks there's this Alexander guy who won an MVP award and somehow hasn't yet been referred to as "Alexander the Great." Strange. They also have Matt Hasselbeck at quarterback who could really benefit from some Rogaine. The Panthers are banged up, which often isn't a good thing. Julius Peppers is hurt and he's this kinda ok player.

And Carolina is hurting on offense too. DeShaun Foster is out with a busted ankle he got from fighting with Ray Allen (not really, of course), so Carolina will have to turn to Nick Goings who is, well, not very good. There's been all sorts of talk this week about how Jake Delhomme is the best QB in the playoffs, which he may just be. But in the rain, cold and noise that will be present at Qwest Field, it will be tough for Delhomme and Steve Smith to do it alone.

The Big Picture pick: Seattle 24, Carolina 17


Steelers at Broncos:

There is more facial hair in this game than there is in the Red Sox dugout. Big Ben Roethlisberger is going with this hippie, shagged-out look, while Jake Plummer looks like he just raped somebody or shot a porno scene. (Or perhaps did both).

I'm trying to get in the spirit of the playoffs by growing a beard myself. My five o'clock shadow is nearing nine o'clock. Booyah!

This game is really tricky to call. I've been ragging on Big Ben a lot lately for not being a good QB, but he's making me look pretty bad (while simultaneously looking fucking terrible with those pubes on his face). His numbers have really been pretty good and they have two dudes who can run the ball down your throat and around the corner in Parker and Bettis. Their defense is relentless and Troy Polamalu puts the "G" back into the Steel City. Oh, and they have a guy named Hines and Kimo. That's just cool.

Meanwhile, Denver has been underwhelming and really only beat New England because the Pats turned it over 18 times. Their running game hasn't been as good as it should be and Jake Plummer, as stated above, may be more wrapped up in memorizing his lines for "Backdoor Mountain" than he is in trying to go to the Super Bowl.

The Big Picture pick: Pittsburgh 21, Denver 13

In other news: Turns out that after losing their ninth-straight game, the St. Louis Blues are feeling blue.

Morelli: 'Damn straight it was a conspiracy'

INDIANAPOLIS -- The NFL acknowledged this past Monday that referee Pete Morelli made a mistake when he overturned Troy Polamalu's interception in Sunday's Divisional Playoff game.

But the apology was premature.

"Of course it was a bad call," Morelli told sources. "What the fuck you do you think I was trying to do? Let Pittsburgh win? C'mon."

After the game, Steelers' linebacker Joey Porter told the media that he thought that the refs were, "cheating us," and that the poor call was a conspiracy to get Peyton Manning and the Colts into the AFC Championship game.

Turns out that Porter was right.

"Damn straight it was a conspiracy," Morelli said. "We (all of the refs) talked before the game how it was essential that Indianapolis won. If I had to see Ben Roethlisberger and his fucking hippie-ass beard for another game, I was gonna puke."

When Mike Vanderjagt missed the game-tying field goal, Morelli was seen on the field, albeit by few, mouthing the words, "He missed it."

Asked why he was so intent on the Colts winning, Morelli said, "Because I like Peyton Manning. I find his southern drag sexy."

Manning has not addressed Morelli's comments, but Manning, trying to be a "good teammate," plans to thank Morelli for giving the Colts a chance to win by taking him to dinner and a movie next week.

Sources say that Brokeback Mountain is playing in select Indianapolis theaters.

In other news: Seahawks' lineman Sean Locklear was cleared to play in Sunday's game after being released from jail for beating Jason Kidd's wife.

Welcome back to Norv (and the Norv Turner update)

This is a great day for us here at The Big Picture.

Loving to constantly rip on former Raiders' coach Norv Turner, we again will be able to rip and rip away.

Turner was hired yesterday to be the offensive coordinator of...wait for it...the Niners!

My hometown team. Winners of their last two games. The team with Young Alex Smith at the helm. Everything is looking super for the red and gold.

Turner, despite being a fucking terrible head coach, is thought to be a better offensive coordinator. His best years came in Dallas when he (or Aikman, Emmitt and Irvin) led the Cowboys' to two Super Bowl victories.

San Francisco had the worst offense in the league last year, which led to their offensive coordinator, Mike McCarthy landing a head coaching job in Green Bay. The Packers' rationale? Well, we're not too sure.

Norv Turner will be expected to succeed and to succeed fast with such talent already in place in San Francisco. Alex Smith, according to Vegas odds makers, is expected to throw a touchdown this season.

With Norv in place, perhaps Young Smith will throw two.

And to revert to old ways here...

Norv Turner update: 8:11 p.m. Tuesday night and Norv Turner is employed!

New meaning to "diehard fan"

We're not making this up. Promise.

While watching the thrilling playoff game between Pittsburgh and Indianapolis that nearly gave casual fans a heart attack, Steelers' fan Terry O'Neill, 50, actually suffered a heart attack at a Pittsburgh bar when Jerome Bettis fumbled.

"I wasn't upset that the Steelers might lose," O'Neill told the Assosciated Press. "I was upset because I didn't want to see him end his career like that. A guy like that deserves better. I guess it was a little too much for me to handle."

After the fumble, O'Neill went into cardiac arrest and was revived by two fireman who happened to be watching the game at the same bar. It's probably a good thing that the fire fighters were only drinking beer and not trading tequila shots.

Bettis, the cause of the near-death experience, spoke with O'Neill on the Dan Patrick Show yesterday. Their talk, while pretty uneventful, can be found here.

This brings new meaning to "diehard fan," "heart of gold," and "lives and dies with the team."

Mr. O'Neill, The Big Picture, and Steelers' fans everywhere, salute you.

(Thanks to Deadspin for the picture).


In other news: Alex Rodriguez, torn between playing for the Dominican Republic and the U.S in World Baseball Classic, has opted to play for the Baskin Robins' 31-Flavors All-Stars instead.

All wet roads lead to Detroit

One win down, two to go.

The Seattle Super Seahawks (they stole the “Super” from the Sonics who no longer deserve that word in their name) are one home win away from going to the Super Bowl in Detroit.

Yes, the Super Bowl!

And while Seattle did their part, knocking off the Washington Redskins and their non-existent offense last Saturday, the rest of the NFL seemed to have opened the metaphorical door for the Hawks as well.

While it’s true that Seahawks fans were likely rooting for the Chicago Bears, with the thought of an easier NFC Championship game in mind, they are still in good shape.

Seattle will host Carolina next Sunday at Qwest Field and the key word there is host. Seattle is pretty good at home. The fans are loud, the field is wet and the air is cold.

The forecast for Sunday calls for -- get this – rain. A shocker, I know. It hasn’t rained in Seattle since, well, yesterday. I think it’s rained for like 178 straight days, but weather folks will tell you that it’s only been three. (Apparently it didn’t rain on Sunday, so there went a four-week stretch of rainy days -- which was approaching some sort of record).

The Seahawks benefit by playing in the rain and cold and all that other crap that gives people Seasonal Affect Disorder. If Seattle can’t outright beat the Panthers with a good scheme and better players, maybe they can use the crummy weather to make Carolina sad or something.

Anyways, Carolina is no freebie-win – even at home. The Panthers play well on the road and have this dude Steve Smith who may just score 17 touchdowns against a good Seahawks’ defense. But out is RB DeShaun Foster who broke his ankle last weekend when he got in a fight outside of a bar in Pioneer Square (not really, of course).

The biggest help the Hawks got, indirectly anyway, was from the AFC. The Indianapolis Colts and New England Patriots – thought to be the two favorites to win the Super Bowl this year – got bounced from the playoffs prematurely, much like Seahawks’ teams we’re used to.

Pittsburgh beat the Colts in one of those games that make you both question reality and consider if there is anything better than a good football game. After a series of blown calls, incomprehensible turnovers, and a missed field goal that screams Florida State vs. Miami, the Steelers somehow escaped the state of Indiana with a win and some sanity still intact.

Big Ben Roethlisberger, Pittsburgh’s star linebacker (actually quarterback, but is toying with a switch to defense after his game saving tackle against the Colts) will now lead the Steelers to Denver, which just knocked off New England.

Tired yet? Me too.

So what does this mean for Seattle? Well, nothing yet. They have to do something they aren’t particularly good at this time of the year, and that’s winning. But they got a monkey, gorilla and orangutan off their back by beating the Skins last Saturday.

I’m not exactly in the business of making predictions, but let’s just say, for the sake of me needing to fill five more inches of space in this column, the Hawks will win Sunday.

That will then put them in the Super Bowl for the first time since 1816, well before there were Super Bowls, football or sea hawks. They would play either Denver or Pittsburgh and would have a very good shot at beating either team. They stack up well on both sides of the ball and, hey, it isn’t Indianapolis or New England.

So Sunday afternoon, watch the Seahawks game. Don’t pay too much attention to the broadcasters because it will likely be Fox’s “A” team of Joe Buck and Troy Aikman, who collectively know as much about football as the orangutans that were hanging out with the Seahawks.

If the Seahawks are to win Sunday, they will be in the Super Bowl (that’s your cue to get excited) and will be playing a beatable team. So root and root hard. And if you make it to Qwest Field Sunday, bring your voice and an umbrella, because, after all, it rains here from time to time.

This column was published in the University of Washington's The Daily.

In other news: Peyton Manning is in critical, but stable condition, after being sat on by his offensive linemen.

Sunday NFL roundup

Hey, you don't win them all. (Nor does Indianapolis apparently). After having a remarkable run at perfection, The Big Picture, much like the Colts, went down hard. 4-0 in the Wild Card round, I close out the Divisional Round a mediocre 2-2 -- and I don't deal well with mediocrity.

Some thoughts about yesterday:


Steelers 21 at Colts 18:

-I can't remember a time I was this into a game. That phrase, "on the edge of your seat"...well, it finally made sense.

-As a Peyton Manning fan, I was pulling for the Colts today. I was surprised to see their offense struggle so much at times, but in the end, I'm happy Pittsburgh won.

-Jerome Bettis' fumble on the goal line, that nearly cost the Steelers the game, could've been his last carry ever. I'm certainly glad it's not.

-As for the interception that wasn't: Perhaps the worst call I've ever seen. If I was a Steelers' fan, I probably would have thrown my TV out the window right then. (Good thing I'm not a Steelers' fan).

-Mike Vanderjagt, tsk, tsk, tsk. Peyton (and The Bus) gave you a shot to win, and your arrogance pushed the ball wide right. I hear Florida State could use a new kicker.

-Speaking of Vanderjagt and Bettis, think The Bus got cozy with him after the game? He did bail him out and all.

-So I kept hearing the term "Blitzburgh" today because the Steelers often blitz and are from the city of Pittsburgh. Someone got a gold star for coming up with that. Pure genius.

-Often The Big Picture has thrown insults in the direction of Big Ben Roethlisberger. I'm still not sold on his quarterbacking abilities, but he'd be a helluva linebacker. His tackle saved the season for Pittsburgh (and tagged me with a second incorrect pick -- that bastard).

-I got very good at reading lips today. They kept saying for some reason, "He missed it."

-ESPN's poll currently has Pittsburgh the favorite to win the Super Bowl. No argument here.


Panthers 29 at Bears 21:

-Wow! Who woulda thunk they would've scored this many points?! I thought 50 -- the combined amount of points -- would have been Chicago's first half yardage.

-The final score of this game, say if USC were playing Texas in it, would equate to 299 to 221.

-As I mentioned yesterday, Joe Buck had the call today for Fox. I just love him. I dreamt about him last night, in fact.

-Here's Fox's knowledgeable announcers at their best: In the first quarter, Chris Gamble stripped Justin Gage after a short completion, and Julius Peppers returned it for a TD. The play was reviewed and overturned because Gage's knee was down when he was hit, thus down-by-contact. Well, good ol' Buck and Aikman did not even fathom that down-by-contact was an option. Hats off Fox!

-I continually and relentlessly rip into Rex Grossman and usually for good reason. But today he nearly won the game for the Bears. Then, much to my pleasure, with a chance to tie the game in the final minutes, what does Grossman do? He throws a perfect pass to Ken Lucas for a gain of 15 -- no wait, Lucas plays for Carolina. Way to go, Rex.

-DeShaun Foster breaks his ankle and half of Seattle has one of those sympathy sighs, smiles and high fives.

-Steve Smith: 12 catches, 218 yards, 2 td; 3 rushes, 26 yards. That equals 24 points in my fantasy league! If only fantasy leagues were still going...

-Where was Chicago's defense today? They surrendered 29 points, 434 total yards, six goals and 11 runs.

-Home field advantage? Yeah, not too important Sunday.


And while you were watching grown men grope eachother:

-Make it a good day all around for Pittsburgh. The 11th-ranked Pitt Panthers -- behind five dudes you've never heard of -- remain undefeated, beating #10 Louisville 61-57.

-It had the feeling of March Madness in Columbus, Ohio thanks to CBS' Gus Johnson and a thrilling double overtime game between #16 Ohio State and #15 Michigan State. The Spartans won by three, 62-59. (Yes, it was double-OT and a team won with a mere 62 points. The Bears and Panthers played basketball today too).

-#21 Maryland beat Wake Forest 90-86 and Terps' coach Gary Williams only popped three blood vessels in his forehead!


In other news: There's some tennis tournament being played in Australia. Thought you may like to know.