Monday, August 11, 2008

The state of my bowels

It's been a while since my last update, and sadly, things haven't gotten much better.

You'd think that you'd naturally come out of a phase like that, where every time you sit down on the toilet, the biggest mystery is which leg will fall asleep first.

While the shitting hasn't improved, things have changed a bit. I've gotten in this mode -- usually like three days a week -- where I take one in the morning that sets fire to the bathroom. But then, throughout the day, I have multiple shits where I just fire off nuggets and pellets. I'm like a fucking rabbit or something. Those aren't horrible in the time-consuming, asshole-ravaging way that my hour-long morning dumps are. But they're unsatisfying and constant. I've had days where I sat down five times. That's at least three too many.

And things have gotten worse being around the girlfriend all summer. I've always had this thing where I get uncomfortable when people know I'm pouring gasoline all over my asshole and then blasting off. It's a major insecurity of mine.

So when the girlie's around and I need to blast off, I often hold it in.

Bad move.

The next morning, not only do I have feces wrapped around my intestines like fucking sausage links, but I'm backed up to next Tuesday. When I go for the pinch the next morning, I often lose half of it, which stays smeared across my taint and merits a shower that I often can't take.

But what if, and this is a big if...what if you could shit ahead of time. It'd play out like this:

So your girlfriend is coming into town for four days at the end of the week. Not wanting to deal with the chaos in the bathroom while she's there, you take eight shits on Monday that cleans you out for the whole week.

Or you know next month is gonna be brutal work-wise, so you knock out all of September on a lazy Sunday afternoon.

Brilliant, right?

That'll make me my second million. (The first is on Pizza in a Cup®).

But the future is bright, friends. I'm now on fiber pills to start getting my loaves tightly packed. Will they work? Will my days continue to get off to a bad, messy start? Or is this where we, as a team, turn the corner? Time will only tell...

12 comments:

WufPirate said...

You should try Psyllium... it's available in any vitamin aisle.. and you can take shits that look like this.

Justin C. Cliburn said...

It's quality insight like this that keeps me coming back to The Big Picture.

GMoney said...

Thanks for bringing this feature back. Good lord. I, too, hate shitting with the woman around.

rstiles said...

My praying has helped...every night I ask God to please let Zach take a good dump tomorrow...

Please continue updating us on how the fiber pills are working...

BTW, I agree, I HATE when I think I am going to have a good dump and all that comes out is those damn pellets...that sucks!!!

Bokolis said...

Never hold it in, dude! I have dumping (complete with legs falling asleeep) issues. Because I hold it in until I get home (I have a fear of public/community toilets), I wind up sitting on the bowl for at least half-hour before I can dump. That's time better spent doing shit, not taking...

lipner said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
lipner said...

sennakot also works well (i've got that on good authority) it'll work way better than psyllium...

when all else fails, there's always colon hydrotherepy!

Anonymous said...

For some more pooping fun, head to 7/11. If they still have the Monster Black Ice slurpee available get it. In 24 hours your shit will be bright green.

You can thank me later!

Anonymous said...

If you guys don't like to shit when the woman is around, imagine how the woman feels if she needs to...you know...do that...while you are around!

THN said...

I love going to the desert because it cleans me right out. So take a trip to Las Vegas or Palm Springs so you can start feeling right.

Anonymous said...

See a doctor.. I was going through this a couple of years ago, and it got to the point where I was visiting the bathroom 10-12 times a day. Wound up getting diagnosed with Crohn's Disease, an inflammatory bowel disease -- it's what David Garrard has!

The doctor put me on medication, and I'm back to 1-2 shits per day.

cheap viagra said...

That is an excellent picture, the outfit is quite good, I would love that for Halloween.