The state of my bowels

It's been a while since my last update, and sadly, things haven't gotten much better.

You'd think that you'd naturally come out of a phase like that, where every time you sit down on the toilet, the biggest mystery is which leg will fall asleep first.

While the shitting hasn't improved, things have changed a bit. I've gotten in this mode -- usually like three days a week -- where I take one in the morning that sets fire to the bathroom. But then, throughout the day, I have multiple shits where I just fire off nuggets and pellets. I'm like a fucking rabbit or something. Those aren't horrible in the time-consuming, asshole-ravaging way that my hour-long morning dumps are. But they're unsatisfying and constant. I've had days where I sat down five times. That's at least three too many.

And things have gotten worse being around the girlfriend all summer. I've always had this thing where I get uncomfortable when people know I'm pouring gasoline all over my asshole and then blasting off. It's a major insecurity of mine.

So when the girlie's around and I need to blast off, I often hold it in.

Bad move.

The next morning, not only do I have feces wrapped around my intestines like fucking sausage links, but I'm backed up to next Tuesday. When I go for the pinch the next morning, I often lose half of it, which stays smeared across my taint and merits a shower that I often can't take.

But what if, and this is a big if...what if you could shit ahead of time. It'd play out like this:

So your girlfriend is coming into town for four days at the end of the week. Not wanting to deal with the chaos in the bathroom while she's there, you take eight shits on Monday that cleans you out for the whole week.

Or you know next month is gonna be brutal work-wise, so you knock out all of September on a lazy Sunday afternoon.

Brilliant, right?

That'll make me my second million. (The first is on Pizza in a Cup®).

But the future is bright, friends. I'm now on fiber pills to start getting my loaves tightly packed. Will they work? Will my days continue to get off to a bad, messy start? Or is this where we, as a team, turn the corner? Time will only tell...