Friday, November 10, 2006

A how-to on marrying super models

As first reported by With Leather, NASCAR driver Jeff Gordon tied the knot with some foreign chick who is super hot and probably knows how to say, "me like fuckie" in six languages.

Gordon's bride, whom he married Tuesday, is named Ingrid Vandebosch and she's a Belgian model. Beats Belgian waffles. (Please feel free to drop kick your computer and pretend it was our head).

So how can a skinny, white guy who drives a fucking car for a living pull a hot piece of tail like Vandebosch?

Easy. Dollars and cents, friends. Money talks and supermodels -- especially the ones who wear a zero dress size, are on the water and lettuce diet, and take lines of coke like they're Pixy Stix -- listen.

Let's forget the money for a second, and analyze Mr. Gordon. The man is a fine looking gentleman, but he's nothing special. Slap a mustache and an accent on him and you have yourselves a very efficient cab driver. And this guy is pulling in outrageous women! AAAGGHHH!!! He probably cheats on her too. Bastard.

Then there's Tiger Woods. Sure he's famous, great at golf, yadayadayada, but c'mon, he too is a scrawny, average looking guy. He's married to this broad who, unlike Gordon's new wife, knows how to say, "me like fuckie" in eight languages. Take that, bitch.

If Tiger didn't have arms, he'd be just an average guy, well, without arms. But he wouldn't be good at golf. And he wouldn't be rich. Well, he might be -- he could be like some cool guy without arms who's rich -- but probably not. And he wouldn't be nailing the kind of meat he has.

It's been known for years that money is the fastest way to a gorgeous woman's heart. But if you're a professional driver or golfer, you don't deserve Grade A pussy. Not at all.

In other news: Rutgers beat Louisville 28-25 Thursday after Tony Soprano put a hit on the Cardinals' second-half offense.


Critical Sports Blog said...

Jeff Gordon, despite the wife, is a pussy.

unca ken said...

"he could be like some cool guy without arms who's rich"??!! Like that happens. But fucking funny.

twins15 said...

I knew I should be going to school to be a racecar driver.

Big Blue Monkey said...

You cynical bastards! I hear they fell in love because they both love the same book. That book? Well the name of it doesn't matter. "Jeff Gordon's Check Book".

I haven't read it, so I can't speak to its quality...

Anonymous said...

Hey - don't forget to catch Gordon on Monday Night Football! It's NASCAR/NFL synergy, ESPN style!

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Sharon Mooney said...

Where do you get off thinking gold-diggers are "Grade A Pussy". Some of us, have to work for a living... or just can't stoop to the level of a heartless parasite. He doesn't have her heart, just the pussy. So wake up.

When it comes to issues like this one, most women think men are blind as bat retards.

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