Wednesday, November 15, 2006

Daisuke Matsuzaka, you don't like us and we don't like you

Well, he probably doesn't know us. But if he did, he probably wouldn't like us. We're assholes. Really, we are.

And why don't we like the young Japanese baseball star? Well, because the Boston Red Sox just had to pay over $50 million just to negotiate with him.

The Red Sox won the bidding war to talk with Matsuzaka who is best known for throwing a "gyroball," which sounds like a delicious Greek pitch.

Was that joke lame? It was, wasn't it?

Anyhoo, this is not cool by us. If it costs $50 million just to talk to this douchefucker, imagine how much it will cost to actually sign his ass.

This is what baseball has come to. We've been reluctant, but have realized just how expensive mediocrity is, seeing players like A.J. Burnett, Carl Pavano and Jaret Wright sign huge contracts despite never being all that good at what they do. (No, not being injured, Jaret. You're great at that.).

Sure, Matsuzaka was good in the World Baseball Classic. He was the MVP, after all. But this seems like a giant sum of money just to talk -- and by talk, we mean go through a translator -- to this guy.

He may be great. Ichiro was great when he came over from Japan. But he may suck donkey balls. He may be the Tsuyoshi Shinjo of pitchers, without looking like a cartoon character.

But once the dollars and cents are all worked out, it looks like Matsuzaka will be a Bostonian. Just imagine Red Sox fans tearing in to him if he blows.

Ok, let's play a game. Pretend you're a Sox fan and your beloved team just signed this guy to a 7-year, $80 million deal. In your best Boston accent, post a comment saying what you would scream at this guy if he went out and had a real poor outing.

Here, we'll get the fun started: "YOU COULDN'T FIND THE STRIKE ZONE WITH THE FACKIN' A-BOMB.

Yeah, Go nuts!

In other news: Butler beat Indiana 60-55 after Bobby Knight slapped the Hoosiers' starting five via a teleconference.


Critical Sports Blog said...

Dude pitches like a lady.

JMC said...

That was a wicked bad outing! Dai-suck-e, why don't ya suck on deez!! (bring back Nomah!)

Benny said...

If you get a high class hooker to come over to your place, you gotta pay. If you can't reach an agreement with her, you still have to pay for her time.

At least with Matsuzaka, if the Red Sox can't agree on a contract they get their $51 million back.

Secondly, I heard that the Red Sox want to be a huge presence in Japan. They want to sell TV rights and merchandise over there. So they hope to make their $51 million back there. Smart move.

NFL Adam said...

This was clearly just an attempt to block the Yankees from getting him. You would figure that the Red Sox would be over their inferiority complex after winning the 2004 World Series. But you would be wrong.

"Hey Dai-suck-e, yous just blew up like Nagasaki!"

Peralta said...

Nah i don't think they were JUST trying to block out the yanks. He's good man.

"What the fuck is byung yung kim doing on the mound?"