Saturday, December 31, 2005

New Year’s resolutions from your favorite sports stars

Two thousand and five is in the books and here comes the highly anticipated ‘06. Why is it highly anticipated, you ask? Well, because frankly it sounds better than lowly anticipated.

Last year was a great year in sports. A Chicago team won the World Series (not the Cubs -- they are still America’s not-so-lovable losers). A woman (Danica Patrick) nearly won the Indy 500. And the Minnesota Vikings starred in their own hit sitcom, “SS Love Boat: The R-rated years.”

So it was a wild year in sports, but what will the new year bring? It’s time to resolve the bad from 2005 and look at the 2006-glass as half full. (Or entirely full if it’s loaded with beer)!

Thus, here is another rousing rendition of New Year's resolutions from your favorite athletes, teams and other sports-related entities:

-Shaun Alexander: 423 touchdowns ain’t gonna cut it for ‘06. I’m gonna try to save the world too.

-Seattle Seahawks: Winning the division? No good. We want to win the NCAA March Madness Tournament.

-Matt Leinart: I’ll make millions in the NFL and spend a good chunk of it perfecting my ballroom dancing skills.

-Ty Willingham: The resolution for the Washington Huskies is to win six games, the Apple Cup and our respective March Madness pools. (Don’t worry, I’ve already talked to Rick N. about betting tips).


-Mike Tice: I will not scalp tickets to the Super Bowl. Better yet, I’ll scalp ‘em to the Vikings’ Love Cruise, Part Deux!

-The NHL: We’ll make hockey more exciting. Well, we promise we’ll at least try.

-Matt Lawton, Jamal Strong, Mike Morse and Ryan Franklin: No more messing around with the ‘roids for us...it’s straight to the hard shit now!

-David Stern and the NBA: Because the league is so vastly improved this season, the business casual attire is out and in are...wait for it...tuxedos.

-Charlie Weis: I don’t like losing twice, especially a heartbreaker against USC, when Matt Leinart scored on the final play. In lieu of that, I’m signing up for Ballroom Dancing 101 -- and to hit on hot USC girls.


-LeBron James: Now that I’m 21 and finally legal to drink, 30 points = 30 shots at the post party!

-Johnny Damon: I will play my heart our for the Yankees this year and sip warm, spiced cider after each game with Benedict Arnold.

-Rafael Palmeiro: I regret my use of steroids and I resolve to clean up my act. (But it’s cool to keep the Viagra, right?)

-UW Cheerleaders: We’ve taken notes from those Carolina Panthers’ girls. ‘Nuff said.

-Minnesota Vikings’ PR folks: We’ll do our best to hire those Panthers’ cheerleaders for the Valentine’s Day party.

-The strippers from the Vikings’ Love Cruise: Think the Patriots will hire us? We want to “meet” Tom Brady.

-Reggie Bush: Hmm...win the Heisman, get drafted first overall...I think I could make a good President of the United States too. People won’t even be confused about the name.

-Washington State: It’s inevitable: we’ll Coug it in ‘06.

Looks like we’re in for another action-packed year in the wide world of sports.

In other news: The Seattle media reports that Lute Olson got a gray hair during Arizona's double-overtime win over Washington.

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my resolution is to take more antacids while I watch the Giants so I'm not feeling so ulcerish all the time.

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