Not a good week to be a Ricky

By this point you know what Ricky Manning Jr. likes to do at 3 a.m. For those of you who somehow missed this story, Manning and some buddies were in a Westwood, Calif. Denny's late at night and beat the shit out of some guy on his laptop.

We're not positive what dialogue transpired, but we're pretty sure that Manning said one of these two things to the Denny's' victim right before he wrecked him:

1. "We're gonna F5 your ass back to the days of the typewriter, you nerd-ass bitch."

OR

2. "The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish, and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he, who in the name of charity and goodwill, shepherds the weak through the valley of darkness for he is truly his brother's keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger, those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know my name is the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon thee."

We somehow think Manning said the latter.

Sticking with the famous Rickys, how about Ricky Williams? The Dolphins' running back lost his appeal with the NFL for violating the substance abuse policy and will be ineligible for the 2006 season. This is great news for Williams who just got himself an entire year to smoke/sell/distribute/inject/smuggle
weed/child pornography/shrooms/laundered money/PCP/Opium/Date Rape Drug.

We have the feeling that Williams will take the time to reflect on his wrong-doing over a few bong rips with some monks up in the Himalayas. Williams is surely upset, but hey, worse things could happen to a running back.

To read today

What to read while you slowly learn what icing is...

YAY Sports! NCAA - It's time for another rousing rendition of The Whiskers. Giddyup. (Giddyup? What the fuck?).

The Sports Pulse - Biggest NFL Draft busts? Young Alex Smith will be joining the list in no time.

Insomniac's Lounge - Get a glimpse of this chick! Whoa!

The Hater Nation - The Clippers -- yeah, the Clippers -- are winning. What's that mean for everybody's favorite columnist, Steve Bisheff?

Mr. Irrelevant - They were able to talk with Reggie Bush on Sports Bloggers Live and the Heisman winner wants to buy his parents a house. You know.

The Mighty MJD - Just because the whole Michael Vick herpes case is over doesn't mean that "Ron Mexico" will die with sports bloggers. Not a fuckin' chance.

Like Keith Hernandez, Wimbledon doesn’t like women

Admittedly, we know very, very little about tennis and write about it even less. We are aware, though, of this tournament called Wimbledon, which we are told is a Grand Slam (we’re not entirely sure, but think it’s unrelated to Denny’s breakfast combo, which makes us simultaneously hungry and a “nerd”).

Wimbledon is a grass court in England, we’re told, which makes us nervous for no particular reason. The Brits who run this major tournament, however, might be nervous around their wives, daughters, female pets, trophy wives and trophies today.

According to reports Tuesday, the men’s Wimbledon champion will receive more money than the women’s champ — $53,600 more — also for no particular reason.

The reasoning, we’re guessing, is because Mets broadcaster Keith Hernandez is somehow connected to the tournament. (We already know he’s a caveman, but maybe he’s one of English decent).

If you recall, Hernandez made pretty questionable comments during the weekend regarding a woman in the San Diego Padres’ dugout. Hernandez said Kelly Calabrese, the team’s massage therapist, has no place in the dugout, and should cook him some Taradactyl for dinner and scrub his butt flap.

She — and all women — apparently have no place at Wimbledon, either.

“The issue is one of a judgment on fairness,” Hernandez All England Club chairman Tim Phillips told the AP. “We believe that what we do at the moment is actually fair to the men as well to the women.”

We, unlike this sexist British caveman, can’t quite see how.

In other news: Brett Favre has decided to return to the Packers next year after Green Bay said they would let him go on the swings for 10 minutes before every practice.

-Adam Landres-Schnur

Adam is the Sports Editor at the University of Washington's The Daily. From time to time he smears mud on his ass.

Baseball gets philosophical. Ok, not really.

Here’s a philosophical question for all of you philosophers out there: If a baseball game is played and nobody sees it, is it still played?

Well, just ask the Seattle Mariners.

Before we get to the M’s and their attendance woes, there are plenty of good stories in this early season of baseball.

For starters, how about Chris Shelton? Yeah, Chris Shelton. Oh, but you may know him better as “Red Pop.” The Detroit Tigers’ slugger (can we dare call him a slugger?) is leading the American League in homeruns with 9 and doing so with a modest salary. Shelton, in just his second full season, is making $365,000, while Alex Rodriguez is making about 70 times what Red Pop is. Really. Shelton, who hit 18 homers last year, is on pace to hit 86 this year, which we think may set some sort of record.

But our homie Red Pop isn’t alone in this category of “Who the fuck is this guy and why is he hitting homeruns?” Tampa Bay Devil Rays’ DH Jonny Gomes also has 9 homeruns and was leading the American League in RBIs through Sunday. Jonny, not to be mistaken for former relief pitcher Wayne Gomes, makes even less money than Shelton. Perhaps the Mariners should consider drafting well instead of throwing a King’s ransom at a tall, skinny dude with bleached hair (Richie Sexson) and some dude who had one good year and it just happened to be his walk year (Adrian Beltre).

Another good story brewing around this early season of baseball also involves the long ball. But this time it was only one home run. And only one man. Mets’ utility player Julio Franco, 196, became the oldest player to hit a Major League home run when he blasted a two-run shot last Thursday. Franco, who some say came to the Mets looking to get nasty with Anna Benson, is holding up pretty well. He’s still in great shape, he has a winning attitude, and we’re sure that he pulls more tail than Pedro Martinez.

We don’t have any confirmation, but we’ve heard rumors that Franco goes way back to the Pre-Historic days. Perhaps he invented the tool. Or modern-day speech. Or at the least wrestled a saber-tooth tiger.

This whole home run thing is kinda cool. The guy is like real old. His baseball card says his date of birth was 5c. BCE — though we’re not sure what that means. But he hit a homer. By the way, we don’t think we could even reach the outfield grass on a fly, let alone hit one over the fence. And we’re in our athletic prime, while Franco, well, isn’t.

We salute you, Mr. Julio Franco. You have given old guys everywhere a wealth of motivation. Thank you.

(Editor's note: Ok, so we used a few jokes in this post that we also used in our original Franco post. Sue us).

Now back to the original question: If a baseball game is played and nobody sees it, is it still played?

The Mariners are probably rooting for that “no” answer. See, if nobody sees it, meaning the game isn’t played under the “no” answer, the M’s would be 3-4 opposed to 7-13.

At Safeco Field, where the average attendance per game has dropped to 162 (really 26,728), the Mariners are 4-9. The crowds have dropped dramatically from 2002 according to The Seattle Times. The attendance this April is down 37.4 percent from April 2002.

The Mariners’ front office is suggesting that the low turnouts can be attributed to poor weather or class being in session. We’ll suggest that the team sucks dick and nobody wants to watch a bunch of players who couldn’t hit the ball with one of those big, plastic, red bats. But, we’re sure the front office has thought this one out much more than we have.

Anyways, the Mariners might want to get their act together if they plan to keep spending big money in the off-season. Hey, a .203 average and 0 homeruns (Beltre’s stats through Sunday) doesn’t come cheap.

But we all know it’s a long season. We may never hear from Chris Shelton again, Julio Franco may star in Jurassic Park 4 (as the lead T-Rex) and the Mariners may sellout Safeco. Ok, that last one probably won’t happen.

This column was published in the University of Washington's The Daily.

In other news: Ron Artest is suspended for today's game against San Antonio for attacking Spurs' fans during Monday's open practice.

Helton on DL; may be pregnant

Rockies first baseman Todd Helton was put on the 15-day disabled list Saturday with an undiagnosed stomach ailment, The Big Picture has learned.

It’s being reported that Helton has severe stomach cramps and a fever. He is also likely puking and having his wife hold back his hair.

While Helton probably has the flu, bird flu, Tuberculosis, SARS or the Bubonic Plague, we’re not ruling out the possibility that he could be pregnant.

Male pregnancy seems far-fetched, but based on seeing Terminator/Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger carry a child in the god-awful film, Junior (which happened to co-star Danny DeVito who is kinda funny and really, really short), it doesn’t appear to be out of the realm of possibility.

If Helton is indeed pregnant, we expect the child’s name to be Eli Marrero (who slugged the shit out of the ball against the Giants this weekend).

Hopefully Helton just has a mild case of Strep Throat or something and will make a speedy recovery. But if he is pregnant, we wish the Heltons the best during the next nine months (where they will hopefully enlist the help of Hugh Grant who starred in a similarly awful movie by the same name).

In other news: Senate Majority Leader George Mitchell will lead an investigation to see the connection between a home Reggie Bush’s family’s lived in and a man who wanted to handle Reggie’s professional marketing.

-Adam Landres-Schnur

Adam is the Sports Editor of the University of Washington's The Daily. He enjoys fondling sweaters.

Sports suck when...

... your favorite team blows a 3-run lead in the 9th. (If this was your team, your kitchen table would have these objects on it too).

Hockey (yeah, in America)

The Stanley Cup playoffs are under way, exciting about 27 people in the United States. Ironically, three quarters of this year's playoff squads are from America. Neat.

We won't try to be all cool and pretend that we know hockey. We once watched an NHL game, but that's about all. Though there is a lot about the NHL playoffs that is really kinda cool. There's a ton of energy and excitement, quality play, and there are no fucking ties!

We remember a certain 2000 playoff game between Philadelphia in Pittsburgh that went 5 OTs! That's nearly three hockey games in one! (We think that's a good thing -- as evident by the overuse of the exclamation point -- but perhaps watching a hockey game for the upwards of five hours is more of a punishment than a reward).

We are by no means qualified to make predictions here because, well, we had no idea that Nashville even had a team. But apparently they do and the Predators, as they're called, are playing our hometown San Jose Sharks. We would perhaps make a bold pick and say the Sharks would win it all, but they're already down 1-0 in the series.

So if hockey (or gambling) is your thing, check out some predictions and a good read here. If you want people who actually know what they're talking about, this official source may be more your cup of tea.

By the way, the man in that picture is not a hockey player, but rather a rap artist that goes by the name Lil' Jon. We suggest that he leaves the "Lil'" out of his name when he talks with women. They may get the wrong idea.

In other news: UCLA sophomore guards Jordan Farmar and Arron Afflalo made themselves eligible for the NBA Draft after being informed that they will be paid more money in the NBA than they will be at UCLA.

Julio Franco is old

Our boy Julio Franco (who, oddly, is old enough to be our father) just hit a home run. While this milestone puts him ahead of sluggers like Barry Bonds and Manny Ramirez at one homer on the year, it also marks the Mets' utility man as the oldest guy to ever hit a home run in the Majors.

At 157, Julio Franco is holding up well. His body has been good to him, he can move okay and he still likely pulls more pussy than anyone else on the Mets (minus Mr. Met, of course).

We have absolutely zero confirmation on this lead, but we've heard rumors that Franco and American patriot, George Mason, go way back...like to the 18th century.

We think this whole home run thing is pretty cool. Being a journeyman, we're disappointed we never got to see Franco out here on the West Coast, but we raise our glass to him. If he can hit a deep shot at the age of 157 and we couldn't hit one in our prime, well, Julio is just a better man than we will ever be.

Thank you, Julio, for being a cool, old dude. We salute you.

In other baseball news: Cubs' slugger Derrek Lee will miss 8-10 weeks with a fractured wrist he suffered while socializing with Mark Prior, Kerry Wood and the rest of the injury-plagued Cubs.

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49ers acquire 22nd overall pick; look to draft 'thugs'

ENGLEWOOD, Colo. -- The San Francisco 49ers have added another first round pick in next week's NFL Draft.

The Niners acquired the 22nd overall selection in the draft from the Denver Broncos on Wednesday for picks in the second round and third round. San Francisco already holds the No. 6 selection.

"I'm stoked," said 49ers' coach, Mike Nolan. "Just when I was about to go all apeshit on the front office, they pull off a move that gives me some restored faith in them."

At No. 6 there has been much speculation that San Francisco will pick Maryland TE Vernon Davis.

"It's true that we really like Vernon," Nolan told sources. "The guy's an animal and will bring some serious thuggery to The Bay."

Asked what he meant by "thuggery," Nolan said, "You know, guys who leave it all out there and don't give a fuckdick what the other team throws at you."

Nolan would not comment, but suggested that LenDale White may be on the Niners' radar at No. 22.

"White's a good player," Nolan told sources. "His weight, injury and unwillingness to run for teams is just what we're looking for. He just doesn't seem to care and, frankly, we need a player who just don't give a fuck."

People like T-shirts, condone rape

In a story that has put our faith in human decency into serious question, The Herald-Sun (North Carolina) reported Wednesday that sales for Duke Lacrosse merchandise have increased over the last month as students show -- gasp -- support for the lacrosse squad.

Why? Because people condone (alleged) rape, apparently. We can’t really fathom why people are choosing to associate with Duke Lax right now, opposed to say two months ago when they just played a silly game with netted sticks instead of stirring up racial tensions in what we’ve learned is a really, really fucked up city dynamic.

(Whew. Long sentence. Probably ran on.)

Anyway, this just makes no sense to us. We may suggest some pretty awful stuff on this site, but in no way are we OK with alleged rape. (You already know how we feel about Kobe Brapistyant.)

This is hardly the time to support a program that is making Barry Bonds look only like the Devil’s homeboy (opposed to, you know, the Devil himself). Duke lacrosse fucked up big time, and based on some of the reports coming out of Durham, we should’ve seen something like this coming.

As disgusting as the lacrosse team is to us right now, this story is making us want to puke on mankind.

In other news: The Baltimore Orioles beat the Cleveland Indians 18-9 Wednesday behind six field goals from Miguel Tejada.

-Adam Landres-Schnur

To read today

What to read while you brainstorm objects to throw at Barry Bonds...

YAY! Sports - If Josh McRoberts with Cheese turns pro, Duke may, gasp, head to the NIT!

The Hater Nation - Must-see TV comes in the form of Chargers' cheerleading tryouts. Never put it past NFL Adam and the gang to keep you up to date on the Southern California "sports" scene.

Mr. Irrelevant - Never too early for an NBA Mock Draft. And the steal of the draft? Brandon Roy.

The Sports Pulse - Think you're weird? Well, just read about these players' superstitions and you'll feel normal again.

Insomniac's Lounge - Would the Texans really pass up Reggie Bush? Nah, probably not.
Complete Sports - Who's your MVP? These guys go with LeBron. Sounds good to us.

The Mighty MJD - Adam Morrison is going pro...but the red flag? No it's not the 'stache, but rather the tears.

Hate to say it, but we told ya so

Some loyal readers may recall when we first wrote about everybody's favorite basketball hero, Jason McElwain (pictured far rig...err...center).

The autistic teen from New York was the team manager for Greece Athena High School. Because of his loyalty and hard-work passing out Gatorade, the coach got him in to the team's last game and J-Mac drained six 3's and went off for 20 points. We said that Hollywood would come barking soon after and, well, it happened. Surprise!.

Columbia pictures, with the help of Magic Johnson, will bring the Jason McElwain story to a theater near you.

There hasn't been talk about who will be playing J-Mac, but we have some suggestions for those Hollywood chumps:

• Dustin Hoffman - You know, he already has the role down.
• Macaulay Culkin - Culkin still looks 17, despite being 46.
• Tracy McGrady - T-Mac playing J-Mac. Cute.
• George W. Bush - They look strikingly similar.
• Frankie Muniz - According to our colleague, "Muniz looks slightly retarded." Hey, we didn't say it.

In other news: Gonzaga star Adam Morrison has announced he is turning pro, but did not comment on the future of his mustache.

We're scratching our heads too, Brett

Brett Favre is the last person you want to be behind in the grocery store checkout line. Having him mull over the decision of paper or plastic may take Favre the better part of an hour.

So when contemplating retirement, Favre is, well, taking the better part of a year. The fifteen-year pro is having an internal struggle as to whether or not he should return to the Green Bay Packers next season for one last go around. The three-time MVP led the Packers to a 4-12 record last season and his poor decision-making skills were apparent in his league-leading 29 interceptions.

The Packers’ organization, seemingly in no hurry to get an answer from Mr. Indecision, has pushed back the due date for Brett Favre's $3 million roster bonus - originally scheduled last month - to July 27, giving the three-time MVP more time to make a decision on retirement. As if Favre needs more time to decide — he’s already had about four months. Perhaps he’s weighing some pros and cons.

• Pro: We may be better than 4-12
• Con: We may be worse than 4-12
• Pro: I could break records
• Con: Though it may be the interception record
• Con: I may get hurt
• Pro: They may give me Vicodin for the pain.

(Eeesh…that last one was in bad taste).

Obviously Packers’ faithful want Favre back. The eight-time Pro Bowler leads the Packers in pretty much every passing category — including interceptions.

Which brings up an interesting point. While deciding if he wants the Extra Crispy or Original Recipe at KFC, Favre may be wondering if he’s prepared to break George Blanda’s all-time INT record of 277. At 255 career INTs, Favre, at his recent pace, is only a season away from becoming the interception king.

Perhaps while lying in bed at night, pondering which color bathrobe he will wear in the morning, Mr. Indecision is debating whether or not he wants to break that infamous record.

One school of thought may suggest that Favre doesn’t want to have his name in the record books next to the ugly letters I-N-T. But others may say that Mr. Indecision wants to break any record, and will play another season and look for the opposing cornerback opposed to his own receiver. (Ok, Favre has too much integrity to purposely throw an interception, though a certain six-interception game in the 2001 playoffs against the St. Louis Rams may lead people to believe otherwise).

Aside from a potential record-breaking year, Mr. Indecision may have reservations about coming back with a new coach in Green Bay. After firing Mike Sherman, Favre was upset because he respected and enjoyed playing for Sherman. Then the front office made an Isiah Thomas-esque move and hired Mike McCarthy, who served last year as the San Francisco 49ers’ offensive coordinator. McCarthy had Keith Gilbertson-like numbers in San Francisco, helping the Niners go 4-12 and leading the offense to six performances under 10 points. Though McCarthy worked with Favre as the Green Bay quarterbacks’ coach in 1999, those close to Favre have hinted that he was not enthralled with the McCarthy hire.

As for the Packers’ marketing department, this must be a nightmare. We can just imagine the PR folks trying to put together an ad campaign that goes something like, “We sucked last year, our running back is hurt, our quarterback situation is undecided…but hey, we have the best fucking bratwurst in town!”

But none of this really matters. C’mon, we’re talking about Brett Favre and making a decision. The two are like oil and water. Whatever Favre decides, we’re behind him all the way. But with the season starting in less than a year, Favre may want to start to think about thinking about making up his mind.

This column was published in the University of Washington's The Daily.

Who the fuck is Chris Shelton?

(We will begin running a regular series called "Who the fuck is...?" here at our site. There are so many unknowns out there that we plan to make known. So enjoy Chris Shelton today and have fun with George Mason here. Any suggestions for future "WTFI...?" shoot us an email or drop off a comment).

The Internet is telling us that Shelton's the 25-year-old, red-headed first baseman for the Detroit Tigers who is hitting the shit out of the baseball — .471 average and nine home runs through Monday (which tied him for second place for a record that someone, somewhere is keeping track of).

Shelton, in just his second full season, is making $365,000. Alex Rodriguez, meanwhile, (.298, three home runs) is making about 70 times “Red Pop’s” salary.

Our good friends at the Internet also told us that Red Pop was born in Salt Lake City and attended college at the University of Utah. We kinda doubt that he’s a Ute (a Native American tribe, we think), cuz, you know, he looks like Casper (that friendly ghost).

What we aren’t ruling out, however, is the possibility that Red Pop is actually Brigham Young.

We’ve never understood why teams like Notre Dame don’t win every championship in every sport. Seriously, how the fuck do you lose when you have Jesus on your side?

If this whole Brigham Young/Mormon thing is true, that might explain why Shelton (still, who the fuck is Chris Shelton!?) is on track to hit 936 home runs.

In Other News: Albert Pujols hit his fourth home run in as many at-bats yesterday and now is under investigation by George Mitchell and Major League Baseball.

-Adam Landres-Schnur

On Huston Street bobblehead day...

Texas 5 — Oakland 3

Street: 0.2 IP, 5 H, 4 ER

Fairleigh Dickinson: Champions

That's right folks, the Fairleigh Dickinson Knights are your women's bowling National Champions. And who better to bring it to you than ESPN?

Being a championship game and all, emotions were high, the suspense was immeasurable and the six people in attendance were silently questioning their sanity. Oh, and ESPN had the audacity to televise it, of course.

Let's just repeat this for emphasis: Women. College. Bowling. Televised. (We have no proof, but suspect that some viewers in attendance were taking lines of coke in the bathroom during commercial breaks).

Being quite unfamiliar about FDU, we were curious as to who Fairleigh Dickinson really is. Well, unlike George Mason, he's just some rich dude who gave a pile of money to the school so they'd name it after him. (Don't get any wild ideas all you bizillionaires out there).

We actually watched a little bit of this title match between FDU and Alabama A&M because, well, it was the National Championship after all and Mr. Fairleigh Dickinson himself had a gun to our head and demanded that we cheer for the Knights. (And also because there was nothing else on TV. We think the ratings for cable television may have actually been higher if they showed a blank screen all day). By the way, FDU won 4-1. (Whatever that may mean).

But hey, these girls could bowl a mean game. They were certainly not The Dude, but hey, at least it wasn't Shabbos. (Though it was Easter. Hmm...).

Norv Turner Update: Late Sunday night and our homeboy Norv is still in as the 49ers' offensive coordinator.

In other news: The Chicago Bulls clinched a playoff spot after Michael Jordan and Scottie Pippen combined for 70 points in a win over the Miami Heat.

Brown: 'Sour milk, grapes'

Larry Brown did not coach against the Milwaukee Bucks last night after being taken to a Cleveland hospital Thursday after becoming ill during the Knicks' 278th loss of the season.

"I felt like shit," said Brown, 96. "I couldn't keep the food down and my fucking ass was on fire."

Asked what may have caused the stomach ailment that could keep Brown sidelined for the rest of the year, the coach replied, "It may have been the bean dip, but I don't think so. Likely it was bad milk in the cereal I ate for dinner."

Reporters seemed unsure as to why Brown would eat cereal for dinner, but a box of Marblebury Crunch was found in the Knicks' locker room.

As for Brown returning to the Knicks' bench this season:

"We're gonna take it slow," said Brown from his hospital toilet. "But right now, things are tough and it's hard managing these players. It's like the Bad News Bears." I feel like Walter Fucking Matthau out there.

I don't want to sound too conceited, but when you're a millionaire, future Hall of Fame coach, and have championship rings, things should be better. Honestly, during the last few months, the highlight of my day is taking a shit. It's just been that bad."

In other news: Barry Bonds may face perjury charges because he accidentally told the court that he's only five homeruns away from tying Babe Ruth on the all-time homerun list.

The Toronto “Judges.” What the fuck?

We are well aware (and appalled) that throwback jerseys have become as popular as they have. For some reason unknown to us, people like to wear jerseys that celebrate teams that played before their parents were born. We don’t get it, but if you want to pretend you rooted for a team from the Great Depression, that’s your own issue.

(Side note: We are very, very cool with the Bron Bron throwbacks from his days at St. Vincent-St. Mary’s. Because, you know, he’s a huge G.)

Speaking of St. Mary’s, the idea of teams named after biblical figures is the subject of this post.

A friend of ours brought this bizarre web site to our attention. It seems that the Christian faith likes professional sports and making blood-stained money from the hands of Colossians (the new squad in St. Louis). Apparently, as the title of this post suggests, the Blue Jays are no more. Call them the Toronto Judges. The Spurs are no longer from San Antonio, but rather from Deuteronomy (a book, we think, not a city).

We’re having a hard time deciding if this is the most god (get it, god!) awful, grotesque, blasphemous marketing ploy to come around since the original throwbacks, or if this idea is just so fucking off-the-wall that it becomes slightly amusing.

What we do know is that for a reasonable fee of $75, you can have your very own Baltimore Obadiah jersey.

(Jesus Christ, by the way, is the company’s official sponsor. So… if the company tanks…will there be a cruci…aw fuck, we just aren’t gonna go there.)

In Other News: An MRI revealed that USC back LenDale White tore his hamstring when juking a patron in the Sizzler buffet line.

-Adam Landres-Schnur

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