Thursday, February 14, 2008

What Really Grinds My Gears


You Know What Really Grinds My Gears (named after the segment on Family Guy, of course) is a new feature that will run whenever the fuck we want it to...but usually on a slow news day. It will focus on those pet peeves that, well, really grind your gears. It likely won't be sports-related. Fuck sports. This isn't a sports blog anyway...Oh. Right. Um, yeah, we'll see about making them sports-related. If you have any suggestions -- or would even like to guest write one! -- send your submissions to zachls5@gmail.com or Ballhype us or something Internet-y like that.

You know what really grinds my gears? Valentine's Day.

What a bullshit holiday. Hallmark can go suck my ass for creating such a crapfest of an "event."

Valentine's Day is a lose-lose situation for pretty much every guy.

If you have a girlfriend/wife, good for you. You get to spend $100 on a shitty Helzberg diamond, $15 on Russell Stover's shit and then $80 at an overpriced, crowded restaurant. Maybe -- just maybe -- she'll give you a little head before you fornicate.

And if you don't have a girlfriend, well fuck. You're constantly reminded how seldom you get laid and that you're a pathetic loser with no friends, a lousy job and an inverted penis; for this one day, the world is against you.

Why can't everyday be Love Day? Hell, pick a random Wednesday in October and I'll give my girlfriend a night out on the town, spoil the shit out of her and make love to her like a GI just back from WWII. And I'm OK with that. It's not that I dislike treating my girl great -- I love that shit (and it often results in awesomeness in the bedroom). I just hate Valentine's Day -- and societal fucking norms -- telling me that on Feb. 14 I have to treat my girl extra special.

Then there's the weird shit on Valentine's Day. Like when you're in 3rd grade and you give valentines and those chalk-candy hearts to everyone in your class. For me it was OK because even when I was 9 I wanted to fuck just about every girl in my class. But for monogamists out there, that was probably pretty weird. And I also gave valentines to my teachers, which is sorta strange in a fetish-y kind of way.

Also, sometimes I have relatives that expect royal treatment from me on Valentine's Day. Like grandparents. Am I supposed to send a card? There's a place for that -- like a birthday. But Valentine's Day should just be between two lovers. When you get children and grandparents involved, that just muddies the water.

So happy Valentine's Day, motherfuckers. At least you only have to put up with this shit once a year.

10 comments:

rstiles said...

I usually treat my whores pretty well on Valentine's Day...

But remember, a whore is a whore

Anonymous said...

Me and my girl agree that valentines day is crap, but sweetist day is sooo much worse. Say goodbye to the "little head" once you get married you better get that before the ring goes on the finger b/c the mouth doesn't go around mr happy after that. Anybody who spends $100 on any little diamond thing is wasting their money and should just give it to me.

flohtingPoint said...

Yea, my roommate gets all worked up over this day. Our conversations always go like this...

Jessica: It's just once a year, cant he be good this one day?

Jim: What are you talking about, dude just spent all of last Saturday hand washing and waxing your car, IN THE FUCKING COLD! You're going to get bent out of shape because he works a shitload and forgot to grab you some roses for a totally meaningless day? You're only being a bitch because your friends are going to get shit and you'll feel left out, like a little fucking kid on their parents birthday that gets jealous because they dont get any gifts.

Jessica: If this day isn't a big deal, then why can't he treat it that way and just get me some flowers.

Jim: ... You're retarded.

GMoney said...

My fiancee actually told me that we weren't going to get anything for each other this year. I couldn't be happier. And since she is in grad school tonight, it's just another Thursday with my hands in my pants for me.

Chris said...

Good post...

Now I know why I have a thing for school teachers.

Anonymous said...

I always tie my old lady up, lock her in the bedroom and bring in a cheap hooker to celebrate Valentine's day. MMMMMMMM....

JMC said...

if I don't get "head" today, then "heads" will roll.

No but seriously, I'm taking my lady out to a pretty nice dinner, and I bought her a nice little present, so I should have this one in the bag.

Bokolis said...

Write these words down, print them out and hang them on your wall:

<< NEVER give a woman what she wants when she asks for it. >>

It's the most vital part of keeping the pimp hand strong. I wish I fully grasped this 10 years earlier. Don't think your girlfriends, wives, etc., deserve any different.

GMoney said...

jmc, I wish you luck and expect a full report tomorrow.

The Beautiful Game said...

valentine's day kicked my ass this year...