Excuse us while we go swallow a grenade

How's this for a fun sports weekend:

• Stanford 34, Washington 14
• Oregon 42, Cal 3
• Cubs 3, Giants 0; Cubs 6, Giants 2 -- all but formally eliminated the Giants from the playoff race.
  
• Minnesota 27, San Francisco 24 -- If that didn't put the icing on the fucking cake for an atrocious sports weekend, we've never had icing. Or cake.

Wow, looks like we're going to take up knitting, cooking or anything else that doesn't involve a motherfucking ball.

Can't remember much worse of a sports weekend. It's times like these where there is nothing fun about sports; it serves only as a recreational activity to tear out your heart with an ice cream scoop.

So forgive us if we aren't all smiles this week. We'll probably lock ourselves in a closet and dedicate our life to perfecting the French Knot.

Miserable Sports Cities

Just when something good was about to happen to Cleveland, a city that's been waiting for nearly 50 years for something good to happen, along comes Dwight Howard, raining threes and punishing defense to remind Cleveland natives that "good" and "sports" in the same sentence just aren't meant to be.

But Cleveland isn't the only city that's hurting. Here's a look at the top five most miserable sports cities. As always, omissions, thoughts and disagreements welcome in the comments.

5. Atlanta

Hard to consider Atlanta as miserable seeing as the Braves won 14-straight division titles starting in 1991. Yet, they only won one World Series in that span ('95) and have had mediocre attendance since, despite their regular-season success.

Aside from the Hawk's 1958 championship (which actually occurred while in St. Louis), Atlanta's success has been scattered and inconsistent. The Dirty Bird was fun while it last, though.

4. San Diego

Neither the Chargers or Padres have won a Super Bowl or World Series, respectively, though the Chargers did win an AFL title in 1963.

Of the four pro teams to have called San Diego home (the Rockets and Clippers used to play there), none have an overall winning record in the city. This futility has led to the term San Diego sports curse. Nobody really refers to the San Diego sports as a curse because we don't think anybody really cares. Great weather and nice beaches can really go a long way...

3. Buffalo

It's been 44 years since Buffalo has been a championship city. Sure, the Bills tried really, really hard in the 90s, but lost four-straight Super Bowls, which must be some sort of record.

The Sabres have had success, yet have only made it to the Stanley Cup Finals twice, most recently in 1999 losing to the Stars in six.

Pro baseball and basketball isn't really a big deal up there. But Niagara Falls is pretty neat.

2. Seattle

The Emerald City's last professional championship was 30 years ago by a team that no longer plays there (the Sonics). Of course the Seattle Storm captured a WNBA crown in 2004, but nobody really seems to notice that.

The Seahawks made the 2006 Super Bowl and have been a playoff team for much of the decade, yet its history is built on losing.

The Mariners won a record 116 games in 2001, yet remain one of few teams to never reach the World Series.

The Washington Huskies football team captured a co-National Championship with Miami in 1991, but are in the midst of five straight losing seasons and went 0-12 last year which we still can't believe actually happened.

1. Cleveland

The Browns won the NFL Championship in 1964 and that's about all the city's got. Of course Art Modell moved the team to Baltimore in '96 (where the Ravens later won a championship to add to the pain) and the city was without an NFL team for three years. Now they have Brady Quinn. Take that any way you want.

The Indians made the World Series in 1997, yet lost to the Marlins and have the second longest World Series drought behind the Cubs. They're more known for their controversial mascot than anything else.

The Cavs made the NBA Finals in 2007, only to be swept. This latest disappointment will lead to off-season speculation of LeBron James' future in Cleveland. If he leaves, Cleveland could become a ghost town.

The most brutal losses you've ever endured

We've been there, too, fellas. We've been there, too.

It had been a while -- one of the best parts about rooting for shitty teams -- but Saturday we experienced an "Ikea Game."

What's an "Ikea Game?"

n. A game which results in so much anger, frustration and disappointment that it causes one to destroy anything and everything in their living room, leading to a trip to Ikea.

Alternate names: "Game that makes you want to tear your fucking heart out and feed it to Jeffrey Dahmer," "I fucking hate sports," "Kill me now."

You might have heard that Cal beat Washington in triple OT. Oh, it was a good game, you say? Well stick a rake up your ass, you fucking asshole. There was nothing good about that game.

For an objective fan? Great game, right? WRONG! This game sucked for everyone. Even Cal fans should hate this game because Washington fucking lost and the whole world should mourn a UW loss. The people who enjoyed this game are the same people that believe genocide, famine and disease are good things; that Hitler was a motivator; and that "The White Stripes" are a good band.

Here's a perfect rubric on how to piss away a game:

-Regulation: Give up a 10-point lead with 6:04 left by trying to nurse the clock.

-2nd OT: With Huskies leading 77-74, Washington's Justin Dentmon misses the second of two free-throw tries with nine seconds to go. Cal's Patrick Christopher misses a long three-point try, but D.J. Seeley gets the rebound and is fouled by UW's Isaiah Thomas while making the putback with one second left. Seeley hits the free-throw try. Game goes to 3rd OT.

-3rd OT: With Huskies leading 85-83, Cal's Theo Robertson hits driving jumper, gets fouled and converts the three-point play with 15 seconds remaining. Dentmon misses a jumper with five seconds remaining.

To make matters worse, we followed this game on ESPN.com's GameCast. Didn't see a minute of it. Just saw numbers change on a computer screen. Numbers that made our apartment look like it was hit by a motherfucking tornado.

Yet, this was nothing in the grand scheme of our miserable existence as a sports fan. We've seen horrible collapses like this in much bigger settings -- playoff, World Series and March Madness games. This early-season bullshit doesn't even compare. Imagine us when the games really mattered; two words: Shit. Show.

But we want to hear about the worst games you've had to suffer through as a fan. 'Cause, hey, misery loves company.

Let's all have a good cry in the comments.