Wednesday, November 19, 2008

A short string of shitting emails

This is just too funny not to share with you.

Had a string of emails today from some buddies discussing the state of all of our bowels.

This email, in response on how to pump out better, cleaner shits, got me going pretty good:
Eat "good friends" Kashi. It's great. It has a picture of these two old people on the front. I guess because old people tend to have shitting problems. But the stuff is great. Start your morning off with 15 grams of fiber. I take these huge, red-ish shits and when I get off the pot I feel like Jared from the Subway commercials.

I eat beans galore, too. Beans don't have as much of the kind of fiber that makes you shit, but they have the kind that prevents heart attacks. So that's good too. At least that way you won't have a coronary while you're working out another disastrous turd.
I countered with this:
My shits have been strange lately.

often, i have to go like within an hour of when i get up. they're usually really fucking huge logs that get broken off and then smear mud-shit all over my asshole. it's usually like a half-roller and sometimes my ass starts to bleed cause i've wiped too much.

but lately, i haven't had the luxury of shitting in the morning because of work and not having the courage to shit while my lady's home. so i've been holding my shits in for up to like 3 hours. it's an awful feeling, but when i finally release my doom on the bathroom, my shits are more packed and crystallized. it's great. sometimes i think i have some feces wrapped around my intestines, but for the sheer convenience, it's a much quicker shit.
So there. A quick update on the state of my and my friends' bowels. Your sentiments welcomed in the comments.


rstiles said...

I was wondering about your bowel fact, the other night I got up at around 2:00 a.m. and wondered "How is Zach's bowel movements been of late?"...

Thanks for the update!

GMoney said...

This is why I come here everyday.

Chris said...

Zach, I don't know why you aren't pulling more playboy models?

Anonymous said...

there are somethings about you that i really dont need to know. like the frequncy and consistancy of your shits.


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