Friday, November 07, 2008

Pre-gaming: Yes We Can (Get a Playoff!)

[Editor's note: This will be a regular Friday feature at PlayboyU. It's molded after BDD's Jamboroo.]

No matter your political affiliation, college football fans of any color, socioeconomic status and faith can agree that college football needs a playoff to conclude the season.

So when President Elect Barack Obama goes on ESPN and announces that he would get rid of the BCS and implement a playoff in college football, we, as a nation of football fans, can rejoice.

Others more connected to college football have also been outspoken this week about the desperate need for a more conclusive finish to what's perhaps the best regular season in all of sports.

Penn State coach Joe Paterno, who is still confused by the "World Wide Web," had a fun speech stating his dislike for the BCS. USC's Pete Carroll, at the end of the same video, mentions how he is none to pleased with the current format after his Trojans fell in the rankings after destroying a winless Washington team.

I should mention, that Oklahoma's Bob Stoops also was in the news this week speaking out against the BCS. Both Stoops and Carroll have won National Championships in the BCS Era.

Will any of this matter? Probably not. It's one of those systems that just about everyone knows is bad and wrong, yet nobody does anything about it. For now, unless Obama acts fast in this matter ("Fuck it! Screw the economy. Who cares about the wars? We gotta fix college football, baby!"), expect your college football season ruined come December for the foreseeable future.

But don't expect games to be ruined this weekend. Unless, of course, your team loses in which case you might want to go mix uppers and downers.

Games broken down on a one-to-four-bunny scale:

Four bunnies means:
"Do not go out. Do not have sex. Do not watch House re-runs. Turn the fucking channel to this game and watch it."

Three bunnies means: "Do not go out. Do not watch House re-runs. If sex is an option, absolutely do not turn it down. Do it twice. But unless you're knockin' boots, watch these games."

Two bunnies means:
Eh, if it's pissing rain and your girlfriend is shopping, it's not a bad option.

One bunny means: You've never touched a girl. You're allergic to the sun. Porn doesn't do it for you. You wanna prove that you can, in fact, sit on your ass and watch college football for 12 hours.

Winners are made on Saturdays. All times Eastern.

No. 9 Oklahoma State at No. 2 Texas Tech, 8 p.m., ABC:

I would have loved to be Red Raiders' stud receiver Michael Crabtree after TTU's thrilling win last week over Texas. One of the heroes of the game, I somehow think that Crabtree went back to his dorm room later that night and had a three-way à la Ray Allen in "He Got Game." (Link NSFW!!!)

No threesome for Crabtree this week as Tech should take care of business at home and set up a possible BCS Championship play-in game against Oklahoma on Nov. 22 after a bye next week. Texas Tech 38, Oklahoma State 24.

No. 1 Alabama at No. 16 LSU, 3:30 p.m., CBS
: 'Bama's biggest test before the SEC Championship game, can the Tide escape the Bayou unblemished? LSU is by no means dominant this year -- the offense is pathetic and the defense has declined with some key draftees. Alabama is not the best team in the country. No way. The Tide is ranked No. 1, but I'd put the Tide's chances to win a playoff at like 15:1, giving better odds to Florida, Oklahoma and USC

This is also a return to Baton Rouge for Alabama coach Nick Saban. Expect signs that read: "Saban can geaux fuck himself" and "Saban bleauxs" or "Saban: you meauxfucker." That last one might be a stretch. Alabama 21, LSU 12.

No. 20 Georgia Tech at No. 19 North Carolina, noon, ESPN 360: The only thing I know about either one of these teams is that Georgia Tech now runs the triple option. There's a blast from the past that I can respect. Georgia Tech 30, North Carolina 17.

Wyoming at Tennessee, 1 p.m., ESPN 360.
If the Vols somehow lose this game, Phillip Fulmer might have to go into a witness relocation program. Tennessee 6, Wyoming 3.

Notre Dame at Boston College, 8 p.m., ESPN

Tailgate Beverage of the Week:

Caucasian (White Russian)

2 oz vodka
1 1/2 oz Kahlua coffee liqueur
1 - 3 oz half-and-half
Ice cubes

Pour vodka and Kahlua over ice cubes. Add desired amount of Half-and-Half.

Watch "The Big Lebowski" on Friday night and you'll crave one of these meauxfuckers first thing on Gameday. Proceed to make people call you "The Dude."

Lou Holtz Pep-Talk Quote:

"Ma/oa01?@x{d,rop" (Play like a champion today.)

Bet It Hard:

The game you should bet your paycheck on.

Arizona (-41) at Washington State. I gotta start taking my own advice and betting my paycheck against Wazzu. They are perhaps the worst team to ever play college football. Like really. I did some actual work and found that WSU, minus its win over Division 1-AA Portland State, has been outscored 434-63, an average game score of 54-8. If the metaphorical "competitive line" was in Pullman, Wash., the Cougars would be on fucking Pluto.

2008 Bet It Hard Record: 5-0. (All picks against WSU).

Pac-10 Player That I Want to Hang With a Fucking Jump Rope:

Toby Gerhart, RB, Stanford

You pretty boy fuck, stop doing so well.

The Cardinal's bulky back has 13 TDs and six games with 100+ yards. Not only is he probably the best statistical Pac-10 back, but he's fucking stealing touchdowns from my quarterback Tavita Pritchard, who is currently masturbating to film of his three-TD game at Washington.

Get a high ankle sprain, Tobias. Or a sports hernia. Or sodomize yourself with some pvc pipe. I don't care. But stop scoring, dickface. And instead let Tavita throw the ball unsuccessfully.

Playboy Babe of the Week:

Sheena Lee, Playboy Cybergirl of the month, June, 2006.

Yes, hot Asian poon. Very nice.

Try a NSFW gallery here. If that link blocks you, just Google her and masturbate responsibly.

College football and Playboy. What could be better? Enjoy the games, football fans.


JMC said...

university presidents are stupid. They're the ones blocking the playoff, and its all about the money. I'm pretty damn sure an 8 team playoff would pull in some serious fucking cash. If they work it right they can still preserve most of the bowl system and integrate the big ones into the playoff. It wouldn't be that hard.

GMoney said...

Responsible Masturbation was my major in college.

JMC said...

OH NO!!!! Arizona only won by 31!!!!! Wazzu covered the spread!!!!

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