On the bright side, one team will feel good Saturday night. The down side? They have to play the game.
Welcome to the shit-show that is the 101st Apple Cup, a battle of ineptitude, incompetence and horror. Winless Washington (0-10) travels to the ugly part of the state to take on 1-10 Washington State, who has no business having that 1 in front of the 10. (The Cougs beat a 3-7 1-AA Portland State).
Wazzu, who I'm convinced is the worst team to play major college football in my lifetime, has been outscored in their losses an average of 52-9.
The Dawgs? The only winless FBS team.
It's kinda like the BCS Anti-National Championship. Instead of No. 1 playing No. 2, this is like No. 119 playing No. 120. UW and WSU hold the top two spots in ESPN.com's Bottom 10.
Despite the inferior play on the field, the Apple Cup is the Apple Cup; people give a shit about this in the Northwest. I'm a bit bummed I won't be in Seattle Saturday -- just to gauge the level of excitement or lack thereof.
There was a time that I would tell a WSU student to bag my groceries. Or refuse to put my penis anywhere near a girl wearing crimson and gray. Or roll off a number of anti-Coug jokes.
But now? Misery loves company and there'll be an orgy of misery at Martin Stadium.
I'll root like hell for my Dawgs, but there are no bragging rights beating a team that probably would lose to a few Washington high schools.
I'm pretty sure the rule book states that two teams can't lose the same game, but when these two teams play, I wouldn't put any sort of failure past them.
While the Apple Cup will be carried nationally by FSN, there are some games Saturday between two, actual college football teams.
Games broken down on a one-to-four-bunny scale:
Four bunnies means: "Do not go out. Do not have sex. Do not watch House re-runs. Turn the fucking channel to this game and watch it."
Three bunnies means: "Do not go out. Do not watch House re-runs. If sex is an option, absolutely do not turn it down. Do it twice. But unless you're knockin' boots, watch these games."
Two bunnies means: Eh, if it's pissing rain and your girlfriend is shopping, it's not a bad option.
One bunny means: You've never touched a girl. You're allergic to the sun. Porn doesn't do it for you. You wanna prove that you can, in fact, sit on your ass and watch college football for 12 hours.
Winners are made on Saturdays. All times Eastern.
No. 2 Texas Tech at No. 5 Oklahoma, 8 p.m., ABC: I think this is like the third "Game of the Year" in the Big 12 this season, which takes away some meaning from the phrase.
But fuck! This should be good. If you like college football, make sure you carve out four hours of your Saturday night to watch it.
If your girlfriend wants to bring home two of her girlfriends for you to have your way with, see if they'll make you some nachos be your personal waitresses.
If your buddies are offering to pay your way into the strip club and buy your first lapdance, ask if they can send the strippers to your living room.
If there's a family emergency...well, that wouldn't be good. But a portable TV runs as low as $50. A backup plan is never a bad thing.
The other two Big 12 Game of the Years (Texas vs. Oklahoma; Texas Tech vs. Texas) have both lived up to their billing. No reason to think otherwise here. Oklahoma 35, Texas Tech 31.
No. 14 BYU at No. 7 Utah, 6 p.m., The Mtn.: Nobody has your fucking channel! Thanks for spoiling the MWC Game of the Year, Mountain West Sports Network. Utah 28, BYU 27.
No. 20 Pitt at No. 19 Cincinnati, 7:15 p.m., ESPN 2: This game probably means something in the Big East. Nobody else fucking cares! Cincinnati 21, Pitt 14.
No. 15 Michigan State at No. 8 Penn State, 3:30 p.m., ABC: Ya know who's to fucking blame for this not being a four-bunny game? Iowa. Thanks for fucking up Penn State you assholes.
No. 21 Oregon State at Arizona, 7 p.m., FSN?:. Oregon State has a legitimate shot at going to the Rose Bowl. For a team that opened the season with a loss to Stanford, that seems wrong. Tucson isn't an easy place to play. But fuck, this is the kind of roll a team needs to get on to the Rose Bowl. Oregon State. Rose Bowl. Wasn't Mike Riley supposed to have been fired like three times by now? Oregon State 42, Arizona 34.
Michigan at No. 10 Ohio State, noon, ABC. Just cuz.
Tailgate Beverage of the Week:
This malted energy drink will fuck you like a Peruvian prostitute. It'll hit you hard and fast. Four flavors of 9.0%-9.9% alcohol goodness. And it'll keep you going from dusk 'til dawn on a loaded college football Saturday.
And you can make jokes like, "the Joose is loose." Or "He's on the Joose." Or "Look at that cunt-goblin drinking that pussy-ass shit."
Lou Holtz Pep-Talk Quote:
"¿jkV%kzQ†M~b" (The team that scores more points will win).
Bet It Hard:
The game you should bet your paycheck on.
Washington (-7) at Washington State. It's pretty amazing that a winless team can be a touchdown favorite on the road, but welcome, Huskies, to the "feel-good game of the season against Washington State."
For how bad the Huskies are...well, the Huskies are mind-numbingly terrible. But they'll cover. Washington State is that much worse.
2008 Bet It Hard Record: 6-1, 5-1 against Washington State.
Pac-10 Player That I Want to Hang With a Fucking Jump Rope:
Keola Antolin, RB, Arizona.
This scum-fuck can't take a motherfucking hint. I wanted to hang him with a jump rope weeks ago after he fucked up Cal with nearly 150 yards yards and three TDs and, most importantly, prevented any Nic Grigsby action. Now I want to hang him with a jump rope and bludgeon him with a fucking tetherball. (Hey, playground games can be dangerous!)
In a 55-45 loss to Oregon, this piece of fuck ran for 87 yards and four TDs. To reiterate, my two Pac-10 fantasy backs are UofA's Grigsby and Oregon's Jeremiah Johnson. The two teams combined for 100 points. Neither of my backs scored. If Antolin got a flat tire every day for the rest of his life, I think the world would be a better place.
(Oregon's Jeremiah Masoli gets an honorable mention for rushing for 89 yards and three TDs and throwing for 298 yards and two more scores. A jab to the throat with the jagged edge of a hoola hoop sounds appropriate).
Playboy Babe of the Week:
This exotic, nicely-enhanced sex kitten will stiffen you up faster than a speeding bullet and make you more powerful than a locomotive.
NSFW photos here and a huge sorta-kinda-SFW gallery of tiny bikinis here. Enjoy. Pervs.
College football and Playboy. What could be better? Enjoy the games, football fans.