If there's ever a Saturday to run errands, clean your place or have continuous rabbit sex for eight hours, Saturday is your day.
I can't remember a college football Saturday so light on good games. Like fuck. There's only one game between two ranked foes and it'll be a massacre. And there are very few attractive alternatives.
Saturday will be like the rest of the year that lacks college football. You wake up and discover you have nothing to do. You flip on the TV, see a mediocre game, and you realize that you don't know what to do besides form an ass groove in your couch while watching 10-straight hours of football.
I honestly don't know what I'm going to do with myself. I'll probably still watch football all day, but boy, I'm not happy about it. I might get a haircut. I might go to Bed, Bath and Beyond. Have you ever been to Bed, Bath and Beyond? It's an evil store. The bath mats and towels are covered in barbed wire, the cups and bowls are all laced with Cyanide and the clerks are Anti-Semitic.
I might go to the movies. Maybe I'll read a book. Masturbate? I do that anyway in the gap between the 3:30 and 8pm games. But, Saturday, maybe I'll do it twice. It could be that kind of day.
I don't think I've even left the house between the hours of 9 a.m. and 8 p.m. on a Saturday the last nine weeks. Is the sky still blue? I bet it's like dark and red and has flames and shit. And everyone who's outside are skeletons and the only people driving are elderly Asian women (in skeleton form).
But it's important to step outside of comfort zones, expand your horizons and take a chance. If that means leaving the house, wish me luck. I'll need it.
Will you watch Saturday's shitfest of a schedule or will you, too, have to take a risk?
Games broken down on a one-to-four-bunny scale:
Four bunnies means: "Do not go out. Do not have sex. Do not watch House re-runs. Turn the fucking channel to this game and watch it."
Three bunnies means: "Do not go out. Do not watch House re-runs. If sex is an option, absolutely do not turn it down. Do it twice. But unless you're knockin' boots, watch these games."
Two bunnies means: Eh, if it's pissing rain and your girlfriend is shopping, it's not a bad option.
One bunny means: You've never touched a girl. You're allergic to the sun. Porn doesn't do it for you. You wanna prove that you can, in fact, sit on your ass and watch college football for 12 hours.
Winners are made on Saturdays. All times Eastern.
No. 25 South Carolina at No. 4 Florida, 3:30 p.m., CBS: I guess this is a good game on paper. Ol' Ball Coach going back to the Swamp. Saturday's only game with two ranked teams. Verne and Gary and The Wolf(son). South Carolina has a good offen...who am I kidding? Florida's gonna win by 50. Florida 63, South Carolina 13.
No. 11 Ohio State at Illinois, noon, ESPN. They played a good game last year. That's all. I was taught to only speak when I have nice things to say.
Arizona at Oregon, 3:30 p.m., FSN? Here's how it's gonna play out: Arizona's Nic Grigsby will rush for 470 yards and six TDs. Oregon's Jeremiah Johnson will run for 350 yards and four TDs. Nobody else will touch the ball. One team will win. Probably. Grigsby 42, Johnson 28.
Boston College at No. 19 Florida State, 8 p.m., ABC.
No. 10 Georgia at Auburn, 12:30 p.m., ESPN 360.
No. 16 North Carolina at Maryland, 3:30 p.m., ABC.
Tailgate Beverage of the Week:
Zach's Blastin' Lemonade
-3 oz. shitty vodka (Popov, 3 Star, Taaka all do the trick).
-4 oz. lemonade (powder is OK, liquid or frozen preferred).
-1 0z. strawberry margarita mix
-Optional: add a dash of Sprite or Club Soda to carbonate.
Pour vodka and lemonade over ice. Add strawberry margarita mix. Stir. Get tossed.
I first made this drink when I was 16-years old. I was hanging out with some cute girls who I sorta knew, sorta didn't, and fully wanted to stick my penis in.
The three ingredients to what later became known as Zach's Blastin' Lemonade were around and I mixed them together, thinking they might help get me laid or a mediocre-to-bad handjob.
I gave them to the girls and they loved them! Couldn't stop drinking them. Then I think they puked. I went home and masturbated. Story of my adolescence.
Lou Holtz Pep-Talk Quote:
"+Dkx|mc%oqiuq0@!0X~sx*" (Keep your feet moving.)
Bet It Hard:
The game you should bet your paycheck on.
BYU (-4) at Air Force. The Cougars are averaging 36.2 points per game, tops in the MWC, and are only giving up about 18. The Falcons score about 29 and give up about 17. I'm playing averages, folks. I got BYU by about a TD.
Meanwhile, Washington State covered the spread last week. I know. I punched a hole through a wall. Fuck that. So, Washington State, you're off the hook this week. Still, if it's your thing, the Cougs are a 36.5 underdog at Arizona State.
2008 Bet It Hard Record: 5-1. (All picks against WSU).
Pac-10 Player That I Want to Hang With a Fucking Jump Rope:
I'm so fucking smart sometimes, I end up fucking myself.
So in like the fifth round of my Pac-10 fantasy draft, I took the draft's first defense, USC. I knew they were gonna be solid and clearly the league's best defensive squad.
And sure enough, I was fucking right. The Trojans' D is allowing a ridiculous 6.7 points per game, tops in college football. USC has pitched three shutouts and has only given up more than one touchdown once -- in the loss to Oregon State.
But, in this backwards-ass league, only touchdowns matter. And USC, despite the ridiculous scoring defense, has only scored two TDs.
So stop shutting teams out you spoiled dick-grabbers and give me some pick sixes.
Playboy Babe of the Week:
This PlayboyU babe is also the Cybergirl of the Week. This also gives you all-natural types a break from all my silicone-filled friends. Safe-for-work photos here. NSFW photos here if you have a Cyberclub pass.
College football and Playboy. What could be better? Enjoy the games, football fans.