Tuesday, June 05, 2007

Anthony Grant would rather you stay in Orlando, Billy Donovan

Hi, I'm Anthony Grant. You may remember me from such upsets as VCU beating Duke in the NCAA Tournament.

As you may know, I became the leading candidate for the Florida Gators coaching vacancy when my good pal Billy D took beaucoup bucks -- yeah, that's french, bitch -- to coach Dwight Howard and that Darko kid in Orlando.

That was cool and all. Money's pretty cool. You can do a lot with money. See this suit? It's fucking hideous. Nordstrom Rack. Yeah. I shop at Nordstrom Rack. Think I can afford Armani when I work at a school that ends in "Commonwealth?"

But now Billy wants out of Orlando. Back to Florida. And Orlando's gonna let him out of his contract! Absurd!

That means me back to the Commonwealth. Back to cheap suits. Back to Nordstrom Rack.

With the money the Magic...hold that thought for a second.

Let me quickly tell you about the mascot, the Magic. Really. What the fuck? What's magical about the Magic? Jameer Nelson passes to Darko, Darko finds a streaking Howard, Howard kicks out to J.J. Redick for three...! Clang.

Abra fucking cadabra.

Sorry. As I was saying, money talks louder than my ex-wife. For what they were going to pay Billy to go to Orlando, he coulda bought all sorts of nice shit. Like some fucking hair gel or something. You know how he likes that stuff.

Thing is, coaching is like most professions, in that you start at the bottom and work your way up. Billy had done all he could at Florida. Two titles, great players, great reputation.

But there comes a time in every man's life when it's time to move on. Go to Orlando, Billy. Stay a while. Break the notorious streak that Rick Pitino set. Take Orlando to the Finals. Turn Darko into a coordinated person. Let Dwight Howard thrive like Joakim Noah. Roll around in your money.

Richmond, Virginia has been good to me. VCU better. But, like we talked about a little earlier, you can tell where a man is in his career based on his suit.

Even at Florida, I won't be at that designer stage. Billy, with the gazillion bongaroos Orlando brass offered, can go Armani, Prada or Barney's. If I can take the Florida job, I can drop the "Rack." No discount stores for me anymore.

Billy, don't second-guess yourself. You've done all you could at the college level. You like the NBA. You love $27.5 million over five years.

Think about the suit, Billy. Think about the suit.

7 comments:

Signal to Noise said...

Donovan correctly figured that the NBA would probably eat him up just like it did Pitino, Calipari, and Kruger.

He probably should have figured that out before signing on the dotted line, though.

McBain said...

There's a lot of old people in Orlando as well. Being pancaked by a senile driver is always right around the corner.

GMoney said...

trying to keep the black man down...

Marco said...

hahaha....I'm still laughing about the Rack

Marco said...

I'm also guessing he drives a Dodge Stratus

Kevin Hayward said...

Nice take on this bizarre news story. Funny stuff.

In my blog post on the same subject, I pointed out the similarities between Billy's "just kidding" and Britney Spears' annulment of her first marriage.

twins15 said...

All this does is delay Grant's being able to buy Armani for a year... he'll get a bigger job soon enough.