Friday, November 20, 2009

Pre-gaming: Wild Wild West

Welcome to the Pac-10, the only conference that actually matters this season.

With things all but settled in all of the major conferences (and pretty much have been for weeks), we turn our attention to out own backyard where all hell has broken loose and we'll see the first non-USC BCS team since the Joey Harrington Years.

My former colleague, Bud Withers of The Seattle Times, breaks it down for you nicely, including the six-team-doomsday-scenario. This time of year, by the way, I FUCKING LOVE DOOMSDAY scenarios.

It's always fun and dandy until someone gets left out, and then they settle for the Holiday Bowl or Sun Bowl, which neither is a holiday or has a sunny outlook. Seriously, Stanford has had a great year, yet if things break wrong, the Cardinal could play in the Armed Forces Bowl. Seriously, the Armed Forces Bowl.

With a weak slate of games this week, the Pac-10 is really the the only thing that matters. What's gonna get shaken up this weekend?

Games broken down on a one-to-four-bunny scale:

Four bunnies means:
"Do not go out. Do not hang out with your girlfriend. Do not watch House re-runs. Turn the fucking channel to this game and watch it."

Three bunnies means: "Do not go out. Do not watch House re-runs. If spending precious time with the girlfriend will help the relationship, go for it...but it better be worth it. Like really worth it. Otherwise, watch these games."

Two bunnies means:
Eh, if it's pissing rain and your girlfriend is shopping, it's not a bad option.

One bunny means: You've never touched a girl. You're allergic to the sun. YouTube doesn't do it for you. You wanna prove that you can, in fact, sit on your ass and watch college football for 12 hours.

Champions are made on Saturdays. All times Eastern.

None. Zero. Zilch. Thanks for scheduling Chattanooga, 'Bama.

None. Zero. Zilch. Thanks for scheduling Florida International, Gators.

No. 11 Oregon at Arizona, 8 p.m., ABC: Arizona has three losses. One came in a close game at then-good Iowa. The second came on a fluke interception against Washington. The third happened when the driving 'Cats made a bad penalty (only one forward pass per play, Nick Foles) and ultimately lost another close game. So Arizona is really 9-0 and in the BCS Title hunt.

Oh, and the winner of this game has the inside track to the Rose Bowl. Nothing on the line, though. Oregon 38, Arizona 31.

No. 10 Ohio State at Michigan, noon, ABC:
It's not that this is a good game or anything, but rivalries are rivalries and this is one of the better ones. Ohio State will continue to play not to lose (until they realize that method is no good when they get slaughtered in Pasadena in January), while Michigan will play not to get Rich Rodriguez fired which could certainly happen if the Wolverines continue to play like the Raiders. Ohio State 6, Michigan 2.

No. 8 LSU at Mississippi, 3:30 p.m., CBS.

No. 16 Wisconsin at Northwestern, 3:30 p.m., Big 10 Network.
Oklahoma at Texas Tech, 12:30 p.m., TV?
Kansas at No. 3 Texas, 8 p.m., ABC.

Tailgate Beverage of the Week:

Cuba Libre

2 oz. light rum

Juice of 1/2 lime


Pour lime juice into a highball glass over ice cubes. Add rum, fill with cola, stir, and serve.

I knew a guy once who ordered one of these and I think the bartender kicked his ass. Dude, this is a RUM AND COKE WITH A FUCKING LIME WEDGE! Call it what it is.

Lou Holtz Pep-Talk Quote:

"ajo@90løkL®Ac∞0#µ˜0a˚m.Aoaq" (Go out there and hit someone).

It's Safer than Crack:

The game you should bet your paycheck on.

Oregon State (-31.5) over Washington State
. Time to start picking against WSU every week. Gotta get that Bet It Hard record healthy.

2009 Bet It Hard Record: 4-7

Pac-10 Player That I Want to Hang With a Fucking Jump Rope:

Anyone on Washington State

It's hard work playing offensive football, but the object is to get the football from one end of the field to the other without giving the ball to the other team. Back to the basics, Cougs.

Heisman Watch:

1. Wrath
2. Greed
3. Envy
4. Gluttony

Coach whose ass is burning:

1. Paul Wulff, Washington State
2. Al Groh, Virginia
3. Bobby Bowden, Florida State
4. Dan Hawkins, Colorado
5. Charlie Weis, Notre Dame
6. Rich Rodriguez, Michigan
7. Ron Zook, Illinois

Fight Song that makes me want to be in a marching band:

Florida's The Orange and the Blue

Fuck, how many more times are we going to hear this song? I'd say at least 20 just in the first quarter of the SEC Championship game.

Babe of the Week:


Nice car...

Full gallery here. (Sorta, not really safe for work).

College football, tailgates and girls. What could be better?!


Simon said...

I'd say the Wolverines are playing more like the Lions than the Raiders. They put up a lot of points every week. They just play absolutely no defense and give up 45 each week.

JMC said...

that guy who ordered the cuba libre was such a douche. This is the same guy who pulled the "What's the capital of Thailand?" (slaps you in the balls) "BANGKOK!" trick.

If I'm thinking of the same asshole that you are.

JMC said...

Toby Gerhart for heisman? Cal is gonna get rolled in the Big Game.

GMoney said...

Ohio State/Michigan is about the most overhyped turd in the toilet. It is awful.

The Big Picture said...

totally same dude, j!

verbal space said...

most people forget that it was just three short (and to us Mich fans, I mean loooooooooooong) years ago that Mich-OSU were ranked 1-2 when they met. we, mich, lost a heartbreaker (as far as i'm concerned) and it's been down the proverbial port-a-potty to sink (or float) in the ever expanding waste(lands) of college football.

yes, that was a shit joke, just like mighigan football.

Anonymous said...

Yeah, how the fuck do you leave out the big game?

custom essay papers writing service said...

guyz, don't see any word about Cuba Libre cocktail!! what do you think about it, someone try it??

Host PPH said...

after taking a look at that cold iced tea, and with the hot weather in here, I could use a glass of iced tea! :D