Phoenix a sports mecca? Phoenix?

The Phoenix Metropolitan area has had one helluva sports season. How about these for big events: the Super Bowl, NBA All-Star game, and NCAA Tournament West Regional games.

Fuck!

And between all of that are all sorts of Cactus League games, with nine of the 12 teams in about a 30-mile range of Phoenix. The Suns are a title contender, the D-Backs could win the NL West and the Arizona Cardinals, well, they play in a new stadium that looks like a space ship.

The women are gorgeous, the golf courses omnipresent and it's supposed to be in the 80s this weekend!

The downside about life in the Valley of the Sun? You might never see a tree again. And the tap water looks like milk.

We don't want to harm your cat, but we will...

You guys aren't sick of this style of post, are you? If you are, go fuck your mother.

We really like them. Like really. We have more fun writing these than we do masturbating and, boy, we sure love masturbating.

It's the combination of writing short lengths, being totally scatter-brained and writing in an even sillier tone than we normally use.

(Really though -- that's the third "really" in this segment -- if you don't like these posts, let us know. Then fuck yourself).

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We don't get too involved with the Facebook. Send some messages to friends afar, look at some pictures, and see what guys are trying to bang our girlfriend who lives in LA.

But what really gets us -- what really fucking grinds our gears -- is the "status" updates. Of our listed "friends," we have ones that are saying, "____ stressed," "____ is in the mood to cook :)" "____ is being 23."

What. The. Fuck.

If we updated our fucking status, we'd say something like, "...is masturbating to your Facebook photos and plotting to run over your cat."

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We've just been informed by a colleague that it was snowing today in Tacoma, Wash., which is about 25 miles from Seattle.

In related news, Tuesday is the beginning of fucking APRIL!

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We're hard knowing that we have more Madness this afternoon, but we would be harder if our money wasn't already squandered.

Last week we told you about the pool we do every year: eight guys do a fantasy draft of the 64 teams. So eight guys get eight teams each. Based on the total wins by those eight teams, that's your winner. Usually 10-12 total victories wins the thing.

We had the fifth pick overall pick and here's how our "team" turned out:

Georgetown
Louisville
Drake
Oklahoma
Oregon
George Mason
Temple
American

Yeah, so we got bent over pretty good. Fucking Drake, man. That one stung. G'Town shitting the bed didn't really matter much, just the final fuck you to a dismal performance.

For those keeping score, we have four total wins and one team left. That's fucking dreadful.

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We were thinking, with baseball season officially underway (even though any fan will tell you Opening Day is Monday), who is the worst statistical starter in the bigs?

Juan Pierre's gotta be up there.

Pedro Feliz is mind-fuckingly bad. His OBP is terrible and if there's a guy on first with less than two outs he'll pull a slider low and away to short and begin a 6-4-3 double play.

Richie Sexson, pictured with a woman with fake breasts and a glass eye, redeems himself with decent power numbers. But for a middle-of-the-lineup hitter, his average is too low, strikeouts are too high and the hole in his swing is bigger than Joe Buck's ego.

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Fire Joe Morgan has perhaps the best description of Steven Segal movies we've ever seen:

"Not even computers could find value in Hard to Kill, Marked for Death, Out for Justice, or any of the other Adjective Preposition Violent-Thing movies he's made. (I realize Hard to Kill is actually Adjective Violent-Infinitive, but you get the idea.)"

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Our pals at Hotdog & Friends, which is your home for all things CBI, posed us the question whether or not we would do Laura Linney.

We said in Primal Fear yes, in Love Actually no.

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Ballhype hosted an interesting discussion whether or not the NBA is a niche sport.

We're not sure the answer. Lots of good arguments in there, lots of flawed points, too.

All we know is that while the NBA is loaded with star power, the only watchable team is Golden State when they play at home because the Warriors play a college-style game, show rare emotion and the fans are loud enough to drown out the fucking organ.

Not sure if others feel the same sentiment, but we're far more interested in the likes of the College World Series, local high school basketball and women's sports than we are in the NBA...especially come playoff time. (Unless, of course, the Warriors are beating the Mavs again).

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Unless they're going to release an unedited, R-rated version, behind the scenes video, ESPN should cut ties with Bob Knight. He's bad.

And we're in the minority, but we really like Doug Gottleib. He's matter-of-fact, accurate and uses far more rationale than any other college basketball analayst.

Then there's Billy Packer. Don't get us started...

Enjoy the games, folks!

Movie Review: No Country For Old Men

Remember the time when we reviewed Disney's The Game Plan? Well, sorry. After watching that, we washed our eyes out with soap and asked an estranged uncle to abuse us while the movie was playing, so, ideally, we'd repress the whole thing and forgot we ever watched it in the first place. No dice, though.

But the same folks who had us review that asked if we'd be interested in reviewing No Country For Old Men.

We thought a bad-ass villain, graphic violence and savagery all neatly compiled into a two-hour movie would be fun, so we agreed.

And yes, No Country is bad ass. All natural sound, violence...it makes you think and stays with you afterwards. We had a non-sexual dream about Javier Bardem the other night. We can hear Tommy Lee Jones' words burrow beneath our skin. And Milton from Office Space has a minor role. Sweet!

We're sure, in the near future, No Country will be turned in to a porno called, "No Cunt-ry for Small Men." It'll be about well-endowed men who have sex with pornstars. Or, better yet, sexy pornstars who only have sex with well-endowed men! Bingo!

Also, Javier Bardem comes in No. 2 on our list of greatest movie bad guys of all time.

1. Darth Vader, Star Wars

2. Javier Bardem, No Cunt-ry

3. Hannibal Lecter, Silence of the Lambs

4. Keyser Soze, Usual Suspects

5. Jaws, Jaws

Honorable mention: Alan Rickman in Die Hard, the Joker, Tommy Lee Jones in Under Siege, Dennis Hopper in Speed.

We highly encourage you see No Country (the Best Picture winner; no word on the porno being released, yet). If you don't like it, well, you're gonna like it. Or Mr. Bardem is gonna getcha.

Rollins makes 'magic happen' in vibrating bed

If an MVP trophy, playoff appearance and bundles of cash weren't enough for Phillies star and Alameda, Calif. native Jimmy Rollins, he shows off his vibrating bed among other things when his "crib" is featured on MTV Cribs.

From the Philly Inquirerer via the invaluable Ben Maller:

Cameras for MTV's Cribs toured the Gloucester County house of Jimmy Rollins, and the Phillies shortstop seems proudest of his king-size bed.

Which vibrates.

"That's a great place to make the magic happen," he says, grinning and sounding like a most valuable playa.

Other great places to "make the magic happen" include centerfield at Citizens Bank Park, Cole Hamels' couch and the back of a Volkswagen.

Fun with pictures

So this means Dell Curry is A-Rod's father, yes?

Thursday should have been a national holiday

*All times Pacific. This shit starts early over here.

9:15 a.m.: Rise and shine.

9:16 a.m.: Turn on CBS.

9:16 a.m.: Morning wood stays strong when March Madness theme music comes on.

9:16 a.m.: Quickly think if morning wood is a result of really liking to sleep.

9:17 a.m.: Discard that thought.

9:20 a.m.: It's Temple vs. Michigan State! Whatever! We got Temple in our eight-man, eight-team pool! Go Owls! Go John Chaney!

9:27 a.m.: Fuck around with some cottage cheese. Cottage cheese looks like white throwup. That may or may not have some spunk mixed in.

9:29 a.m.: It comes out how it goes in.

9:31 a.m.: Georgia up early! HOLY SHIT!!! AAAGGGHHHH!

9:42 a.m.: The Portland State coach used to be a Washington assistant and the Vikings are playing just like the Huskies did Wednesday, losing to fucking Valpo in the CBI.

9:42 a.m.: The B in CBI should be for "boner."

10:16 a.m.: Ass groove is forming nicely.

10:18 a.m.: Too early for beer?

10:19 a.m.: Yes.

11:03 a.m.: Xavier is coming back. Frankly, it's the only exciting game going on. Fuck. But still. Madness! AGGHHHGHJGHda!@*(&*!!!

11:35 a.m.: Round 2.

11:47 a.m.: Kent State either forgot how to score or the MAC is a very non-offense-oriented league.

11:52 a.m.: Purdue? Really?

11:54 a.m.: Lunch. Chef Boyardee. That man has seen more vagina than you ever will.

2:04 p.m.: Lull in the action. Stanford and Cornell might be the all-academic first-round game.

2:32 p.m.: Watch last week's Lost.

3:27 p.m.: Ugh, any NIT action to fill the void?

3:27 p.m.: Nope.

3:27 p.m.: Masturbate.

4:00 p.m.: More games!

4:41 p.m.: Drive to work.

4:52 p.m.: Listening to Mike Montgomery on Westwood One is sorta like hearing seventh-graders in a romantic relationship interact.

Ted Robinson: He takes it strong to the hoop and throws it down hard.

Mike Montgomery: Yes.

Robinson: That was a very athletic play.

Montgomery: Yes.

Robinson: Would you like me to bang your wife?

Montgomery: No.

5:03 p.m.: Arrive to work.

5:04 p.m.: One of the many perks of working in a sports department is that there are many TVs always tuned to sports.

5:05 p.m.: Turn TV to CBS. CBS DOESN'T WORK!!!

5:06 p.m.: Every channel works fine but fucking CBS on this fucking TV doesn't fucking work! It's all squiggly and blurry...really, it's like how you tried to watch porn when you were a little kid trying to make out a boob between the fuzzy lines.

5:10 p.m: March Madness On Demand. Is there a better invention on Earth?

6:01 p.m.: Whatever a Belmont is, we're on board!

6:02 p.m.: No!!! Don't drive the lane, Gerald Henderson. Don't do it. Or miss the lay up.

6:03 p.m.: Well, that was fun while it lasted.

6:31 p.m.: New wave of games!

6:43 p.m.: This March Madness On Demand thing is fascinating. All four games up. It's like watching at a sports bar without beer and we have to work and not have fun. But all four games!

6:55 p.m.: Fuck you, George Mason. You were one of our eight teams and you are making Notre Dame look like UNC.

7:34 p.m.: Fullerton wants to make this interesting, but even though it's close, it's one of those games that we'd cut off our small left toe if they actually win.

7:51 p.m.: Every year. Every fucking year we're tempted to pick Arizona to win at least a game, maybe two. And it seems they just look at us and say, "Yeah, we're talented. We're experienced. And we're far the fuck better than the other team. But, eh, it's Spring Break. Cancun, bitches!"

8:08 p.m.: Notice Fullerton has a one Frank Robinson on the team. Think about making some sort of clever connection to the baseballer by the same name.

8:10 p.m.: Can't.

8:23 p.m.: Upset that Gus Johnson didn't see any good games in Denver. His head would've fallen off if he called the Duke game.

8:58 p.m.: The Arizona Wildcats are now on Spring Break.

8:59 p.m.: Well, that wasn't the wildest first day of the tourney. But the only way we could've imagined a more entertaining Thursday would be to watch the games at a strip club with Stephen Jackson and Pacman Jones.

Who the fuck is Joe Lunardi?

In times past, The Big Picture has wondered who the fuck some figures in the sports world are, guys like the ever popular Orestes Destrade, or the one month wonder Chris Shelton. Well today we turn our attention to a guy who many of us saw way too much of this past weekend, ESPN's Joe Lunardi.

Much like our friend Mel Kiper Jr., Lunardi has made a name for himself by being really good at predicting some completely obscure event in the sporting world. Our friend Mel is Mr. NFL Draft, and Joe is the supposed inventor of "Bracketology." Bracketology is, as you know, the science art act of predicting who will be in the NCAA tournament, and what seeds they'll all have. Which means that Joe is relevant for about 15 minutes a year.

The real question is, how did Joe become the Bracketology expert? Well, there's not much out there on old Joe, other than that he went to St. Joe's. That's funny. Like if Zach went to college at St. Zach's, it would be... mildy amusing. In addition to being the resident bracketologist at ESPN, he's the Assistant Vice President of University Communications at St. Joe's, and does color commentary for their men's basketball TV broadcasts.

None of this answers the burning question we all have - what makes Lunardi even remotely qualified to be a Bracketologist? From what we can tell... nothing. Nothing to indicate that he played basketball, coached basketball, or even watched basketball in high school or college. In fact the only connection to basketball we could find was that he used to edit the Blue Ribbon Basketball Yearbook. How did he get the gig at ESPN? Apparently by winning "Dream Job: Bracketology Edition," a show that we are pretty sure seven or eight people have heard of. What's weird is that he won the Bracketology edition of dream job, and yet is also credited with having invented Bracketology. Did the other chumps on that show even stand a chance?

So Joe went to college, somehow got a job with the blue ribbon place, discovered he was good at guessing who'd be in the tournament, and is now all over ESPN. What a life.

-JMC

It's times like these where writing a headline becomes challenging

It's been one of those weeks.

We unfortunately had to slam you with "Would you do" posts three days in a row. That's not really our style. We try to objectify women only once a week.

But time and vacation forced our hand. We were trying to get the field of 16 set for the next tourney and we're heading to Arizona for Spring Training, well, now. We're probably on a plane as you're reading this. Even on the East Coast. It's an absurdly early flight.

Anyway, so we bashed out three WYDs just to discover that we only learned how to count to 10. We accidentally ran 17 "Would you do" posts rather than 16.

But don't worry, friends, we'll have our first ever play-in game!

Of course, though, we didn't have to pound you with three WYDs this week. Oh well. Go fuck a bathtub drain.

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Vacation! Sort of. We'll be gone until next Wednesday, but you'd never know. Our boy JMC will be filling in Monday, but then we'll pop in from sandy beaches (actually baseball stadiums) where we'll be sipping margaritas. (Actually margaritas, Long Islands, Jack and anything, beer, maybe some wine, paint thinner, Sno Cones).

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Lozo is much better at these.

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Don't know about you, but we've been wondering how you get the ketchup into the ketchup packet. It's been keeping us up at night. Like how the fuck do they do it? Tube? Assembly line? Magic?

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There was a lot of fuss yesterday about The Big Lead revealing its identity. Turns out he's an early 30s, white, freelance writer, which is the demographic of, oh, about 30 other sports bloggers.

Of course the attention is because TBL is a good, popular site. But still...

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Seen ads for Buffalo Wild Wings? We've never actually seen one in person, but Buffalo Wild Wings was probably named by a three-year-old.

It's like naming a pizza place Pepperoni Wild Pizza or a Chinese restaurant Mongolian Magic Beef.
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Our top-3 TV shows:

1. Lost
2. Family Guy
3. Weeds

Honorable mentions: Heroes, The Office, Curb Your Enthusiasm, Dexter, PTI, College Game Night in March.

And you?

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If you keep staring at your clock at work today and it feels like it's been stuck on 1:30, don't fret. Play with this NCAA-related toy that can keep you entertained until about 1:37. Play along with last year's teams, and hey, don't know the difference between a Hilltopper and Jayhawk? Help use it to fill out your bracket on Monday.

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Our friends at Stiles Points has a good Q&A with another homie, Derek from Insomniac's Lounge. Derek takes a nice cheap shot in there, so head over and play Where's Waldo to see if you can find it in the long interview.

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We're very peaceful and non-confrontational, but something about the gym brings out our most violent thoughts.

If some one practices poor etiquette, we begin thinking how we can sodomize the person with the bench press bar.

Like the other day, we're working (quickly) between two different areas. One is a machine, one is a bench with dumbbells. Since we dont' have a towel to mark our territory and since it's not correct to piss on the machine, we put the dumbbells on the bench to say, "we're still using this. Don't fucking tread, man, or the end of that bench press bar is going to be coming out of your mouth."

So we go use the machine and come back to our marked bench to see that some one is now using it.

We would never act on these violent thoughts, but if that person were to get a flat tire on the way home, well, they deserved it.

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We don't ever spend money on filling out a bracket. If we wanted to throw away money, we'd roll up a $10 and light a blunt with it. But we don't throw away money and prefer syringes.

But you have to bet on the Dance. So instead of just filling out a bracket, we essentially have a fantasy draft.

Here's how it works:

-8 people
-Each person drafts 8 teams
-Random draft order and it snakes, like in a normal fantasy draft
-Each win is worth 1 point, no matter the round
-Most total wins (from your 8 teams) is your champion

That make sense? We encourage you do it. If anyone knows a way to do money over the Internet (say, $5?) we could do an online draft (AIM or Gmail) and have our own little pool. Who's organizing it?

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Ketchup or Catsup?

Blind Résumé

It's March! Fuck yeah! Hoops, baseball, NFL Draft talk...we're exiting one of the worst stages of the sports year and entering one of the best. We're finally getting into college hoops and the bubble talks; it took about a month longer than normal. Who's gonna dance? Who are the last four out?! With Selection Sunday less than a week away, it's time to start using the phrases, "Bubble Watch," "Tournament Résumé" and "Auto Bids" on a daily basis. So for the next week, we'll be playing Blind Résumé. We'll present two bubble teams' résumés and your job is simple: in the comments, say which team deserves to get in and which one doesn't. (If you think both are in -- or out -- suggest who you view as the better team). You might know who these teams are, but don't spoil it for the rest of us. Since this is one of those blind item things, check back at 3 p.m. Pacific each day as we'll post the true identities in the comments.

Team A:

Record: 22-9 (12-4 conference)
RPI: 50
Strength of schedule: 94
Against RPI Top 50: 1-2
Last 10: 7-3

Team B:

Record: 24-7 (11-5 conference)
RPI: 52
Strength of schedule: 151

Against RPI Top 50: 1-4
Last 10: 8-2

Play the part of a committee member in the comments. Who dances?

Blind Résumé

It's March! Fuck yeah! Hoops, baseball, NFL Draft talk...we're exiting one of the worst stages of the sports year and entering one of the best. We're finally getting into college hoops and the bubble talks; it took about a month longer than normal. Who's gonna dance? Who are the last four out?! With Selection Sunday less than a week away, it's time to start using the phrases, "Bubble Watch," "Tournament Résumé" and "Auto Bids" on a daily basis. So for the next week, we'll be playing Blind Résumé. We'll present two bubble teams' résumés and your job is simple: in the comments, say which team deserves to get in and which one doesn't. (If you think both are in -- or out -- suggest who you view as the better team). You might know who these teams are, but don't spoil it for the rest of us. Since this is one of those blind item things, check back at 3 p.m. Pacific each day as we'll post the true identities in the comments.

Team A:

Record: 23-9 (13-5 conference)
RPI: 35
Strength of schedule: 69
Against RPI Top 50: 0-5
Last 10: 8-2

Team B:

Record: 24-6 (12-2 conference)
RPI: 38
Strength of schedule: 137

Against RPI Top 50: 2-3
Last 10: 7-3

Play the part of a committee member in the comments. Who dances?

For how fun conference tourneys are, they make little-to-no sense

As an objective, sports-watching fan, we love conference tourneys. Especially the small ones. They're fun, they're exciting, and it's two teams battling so hard to get their lunch handed to them by UNC or Memphis.

As a believer in sports justice and fairness, we think conference tournaments are more flawed than those Ernest Goes to (blank) movies. (As an aside, we would think much higher of those films if they made one titled Ernest Goes to Hell, Ernest Goes to an Asian Massage Parlor or Ernest Goes Number Two.)

Conference tournaments only make sense in one scenario: A league with two divisions. (i.e. Big 12 or SEC). Then the league has a tournament to crown a true champ. OK, fine.

Here's why we don't like conference tourneys:

• Why does the top team need to prove itself again?
• It provides extra games for teams to help (or hurt) their NCAA Tournament standing.
• They're poorly attended.
• The major conference tourneys are in NBA arenas, which are like watching games in a giant cave.

We'll use the Pac-10 as an example to illustrate those bottom two bullet points.

The Pac-10, a one-divison league, has a conference tournament to give the top team a chance to fuck up and to give the league an opportunity to make money.

It's played on a "neutral court" at the Staples Center, home of the Lakers and the other LA team. The Pac-10 tourney being played in the Staples Center is flawed on other multiple levels:

• It's like watching a game in a giant cave
• It's poorly attended
• It's not neutral

We've said for years that there's absolutely no reason for it being in Staples except someone thinks money can be made on it being there. But everyone knows that LA has terrible sports fans, evident by the fact that LA has no football team and, well, the Clippers.

Rather, the Pac-10 Tournament should either be:

• At Sacramento's Arco Arena (still a cave, but a neutral one). The closest set of schools are Cal and Stanford, about an hour and a half away.)
• Rotated between West Coast NBA arenas. The Oakland Coliseum, Staples, the Rose Garden, KeyArena and wherever the Suns play. It'd still have the cavernous feeling, but it keeps it neutral. Sort of.
• Rotated between home sites. Neutral and not cavernous! Yay! Imagine this year's tourney being at Oregon's Mac Court. That might give the Ducks the wins they need to get off the bubble.
  
• At the No. 1 seed's home site.

And that last bullet point is really the problem with all major conference tourneys. (To be fair, many of the small mid-majors' top seed has home court throughout).

If a team already has won its conference outright, and then has to prove its dominance again in a conference tourney, at least there should be an advantage of being the No. 1. (This is sort of moot in the Pac-10, since UCLA has won the regular season title like 27 years in a row (more like three) and the Bruins virtually get home games at Staples, anyway.)

So, ugh, yeah. Fuck conference tournaments. (Sorta, kinda). All we need now is for the Huskies to take out Cal, UCLA, and two more teams and go to the NCAA Tournament. Then we'd consider blowing Pac-10 commissioner, Tom Hansen.

Blind Résumé

It's March! Fuck yeah! Hoops, baseball, NFL Draft talk...we're exiting one of the worst stages of the sports year and entering one of the best. We're finally getting into college hoops and the bubble talks; it took about a month longer than normal. Who's gonna dance? Who are the last four out?! With Selection Sunday less than a week away, it's time to start using the phrases, "Bubble Watch," "Tournament Résumé" and "Auto Bids" on a daily basis. So for the next week, we'll be playing Blind Résumé. We'll present two bubble teams' résumés and your job is simple: in the comments, say which team deserves to get in and which one doesn't. (If you think both are in -- or out -- suggest who you view as the better team). You might know who these teams are, but don't spoil it for the rest of us. Since this is one of those blind item things, check back at 3 p.m. Pacific each day as we'll post the true identities in the comments.

Team A:

Record: 19-12 (10-8 conference)
RPI: 48
Strength of schedule: 21
Against RPI Top 50: 3-9
Last 10: 4-6

Team B:

Record: 21-10 (8-8 conference)
RPI: 65
Strength of schedule: 85

Against RPI Top 50: 2-8
Last 10: 3-7

Play the part of a committee member in the comments. Who dances?

The bubble is shrinking like Roger Clemens' sperm count

Arizona State, Florida, VCU, Ohio State Syracuse, Oregon et al. are sweating bullets right now.

It's one of those rare times when many fans root against upsets because while fun and all, tourney slots are disappearing faster than the people in this picture.

San Diego's in. Does the WCC now get three teams?! With South Alabama's loss, does the Sun Belt now get two? The big school bubble teams have very little room for error in their respective conference tourneys.

Oregon, which got back on the bubble after a sweep of the Arizona schools last week, may just be its own worst enemy. The Ducks could certainly use another win, and by beating ASU and UA, Oregon jumped to the No. 6 seed in the Pac-10 Tournament. Now, rather than getting a play-in game against pathetic Oregon State, the Ducks get ranked Washington State instead. A loss and the Ducks might be NIT bound.

It's a wildly fun time of year. Unless, of course, you're living on the bubble. Then you need some Scotch and mild sedatives.

The next great televison show

This was an email thread from a group of friends. If you aren't entirely sold, there's something wrong with you.

So I have this new idea for a pilot. I can't take full credit for it because there is a brilliant, brilliant mind here at the TV station. But here goes:

The show is called "Donkey Lighthouse."

A boat of donkeys being transported by a crew of men has crashed on a deserted island. The only thing on this island is a lighthouse. The crew is killed in the crash but the donkeys survive -- they will be the main characters.

The goal of the donkeys is to get rescued from this island. Big problem: the light in the lighthouse has burned out! No boats know the island exists, thus the donkeys can't get saved.

But in Episode Three there is a big breakthrough -- they discover a closet full of new bulbs. They can be rescued! But -- and we're banking that the audience has some familiarity with donkeys -- our characters don't have an opposable thumb. The light bulb can't be screwed in! They can't be rescued!

Romances are sure to develop, but this is really the story of survival and the fleeting hope of being rescued. How far will their determination take them? Can obstacles be overcome? Will they be saved?

TV execs or agents reading can direct offers here.

Blind Résumé

It's March! Fuck yeah! Hoops, baseball, NFL Draft talk...we're exiting one of the worst stages of the sports year and entering one of the best. We're finally getting into college hoops and the bubble talks; it took about a month longer than normal. Who's gonna dance? Who are the last four out?! With Selection Sunday less than a week away, it's time to start using the phrases, "Bubble Watch," "Tournament Résumé" and "Auto Bids" on a daily basis. So for the next week, we'll be playing Blind Résumé. We'll present two bubble teams' résumés and your job is simple: in the comments, say which team deserves to get in and which one doesn't. (If you think both are in -- or out -- suggest who you view as the better team). You might know who these teams are, but don't spoil it for the rest of us. Since this is one of those blind item things, check back at 3 p.m. Pacific each day as we'll post the true identities in the comments.

Team A:

Record: 21-9 (7-9 conference)
RPI: 42
Strength of schedule: 60
Against RPI Top 50: 5-4
Last 10: 5-5

Team B:

Record: 17-13 (8-10 conference)
RPI: 31
Strength of schedule: 2

Against RPI Top 50: 5-7
Last 10: 3-7

Play the part of a committee member in the comments. Who dances?

Blind Résumé

It's March! Fuck yeah! Hoops, baseball, NFL Draft talk...we're exiting one of the worst stages of the sports year and entering one of the best. We're finally getting into college hoops and the bubble talks; it took about a month longer than normal. Who's gonna dance? Who are the last four out?! With Selection Sunday less than two weeks away, it's time to start using the phrases, "Bubble Watch," "Tournament Résumé" and "Auto Bids" on a daily basis. So from today until next Friday, we'll be playing Blind Résumé. We'll present two bubble teams' résumés and your job is simple: in the comments, say which team deserves to get in and which one doesn't. (If you think both are in -- or out -- suggest who you view as the better team). You might know who these teams are, but don't spoil it for the rest of us. Since this is one of those blind item things, check back at 3 p.m. Pacific each day as we'll post the true identities in the comments.

Team A:

Record: 19-9 (8-7 conference)
RPI: 39
Strength of schedule: 36
Against RPI Top 50: 4-8
Last 10: 4-6

Team B:

Record: 18-12 (8-9 conference)
RPI: 52
Strength of schedule: 8
Against RPI Top 50: 1-7
Last 10: 5-5

Play the part of a committee member in the comments. Who dances?

Fruit Stripe Gum will only let you space out for about 30 seconds

Is there a bigger let down in the food/chewing gum industry than Fruit Stripe gum?

It has all the look of a scrumptious burst of flavor with every chomp, but then -- bam! -- it's gone. It's 30 seconds of amazement followed by years of disappointment.

Much like the first time you got laid.
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Brett Favre's retirement means very little to us. Michael Jordan retired like eight times before finally calling it quits. Favre isn't done until he can't walk anymore.

Though, if this is truly it, it's fitting that his last pass was an interception.

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Why is a standard work day eight hours? Why eight? Why not six? Or four? If the work day was shortened, would oil prices increase any faster, would oxygen not be free and would the terrorists win?

And who actually works eight hours per day. Most people probably just space out for a while and do only around an hour of real, actual, work each day.

One could even look at it like this: if the employees are happy, productivity increases. How do you make employees happy? Make them work less.

Yeah, we're going to run a very successful company someday soon. We'll put in an hour a day and do, oh, about 15 minutes of real, actual, work.

Though we're going to start charging for oxygen.

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This fan's sign is awesome!


Though this one is better!


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Peter Pan really knew what he was talking about. Times are far simpler when you're a kid, but it's the little things that make us miss childhood.

If you do an analysis of food items catering to kids, it's clear that times are better before you mature. Kids can eat Captain Crunch, Sprinkles yogurt and Gobble Sticks. If we took a Lunchables to work, we might get fired.

The moral of the story: sugar and preservatives improve general happiness.

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If you had a fantasy draft of women -- celebrities, models, adult stars -- who'd you take?

Jessica Alba? Marisa Miller? Carmen Electra?

We might be on to something here! Who's setting up the league? Do it at work. While you're "spacing out."

Blind Résumé

It's March! Fuck yeah! Hoops, baseball, NFL Draft talk...we're exiting one of the worst stages of the sports year and entering one of the best. We're finally getting into college hoops and the bubble talks; it took about a month longer than normal. Who's gonna dance? Who are the last four out?! With Selection Sunday less than two weeks away, it's time to start using the phrases, "Bubble Watch," "Tournament Résumé" and "Auto Bids" on a daily basis. So from today until next Friday, we'll be playing Blind Résumé. We'll present two bubble teams' résumés and your job is simple: in the comments, say which team deserves to get in and which one doesn't. (If you think both are in -- or out -- suggest who you view as the better team). You might know who these teams are, but don't spoil it for the rest of us. Since this is one of those blind item things, check back at 3 p.m. Pacific each day as we'll post the true identities in the comments.

Team A:

Record: 17-11 (11-4 conference)
RPI: 47
Strength of schedule: 13
Against RPI Top 50: 4-6
Last 10: 8-2

Team B:

Record: 20-9 (9-6 conference)
RPI: 38
Strength of schedule: 58

Against RPI Top 50: 1-2
Last 10: 7-3

Play the part of a committee member in the comments. Who dances?

Blind Résumé

It's March! Fuck yeah! Hoops, baseball, NFL Draft talk...we're exiting one of the worst stages of the sports year and entering one of the best. We're finally getting into college hoops and the bubble talks; it took about a month longer than normal. Who's gonna dance? Who are the last four out?! With Selection Sunday less than two weeks away, it's time to start using the phrases, "Bubble Watch," "Tournament Résumé" and "Auto Bids" on a daily basis. So from today until next Friday, we'll be playing Blind Résumé. We'll present two bubble teams' résumés and your job is simple: in the comments, say which team deserves to get in and which one doesn't. (If you think both are in -- or out -- suggest who you view as the better team). You might know who these teams are, but don't spoil it for the rest of us. Since this is one of those blind item things, check back at 3 p.m. Pacific each day as we'll post the true identities in the comments.

Team A:

Record: 18-10 (8-8 conference)
RPI: 67
Strength of schedule: 59
Against RPI Top 50: 5-6
Last 10: 4-6

Team B:

Record: 22-6 (16-2 conference)
RPI: 49
Strength of schedule: 160
Against RPI Top 50: 0-5
Last 10: 9-1

Play the part of a committee member in the comments. Who dances?

Floyd Mayweather's acting career begins

From reader Michael H., comes a promo of what looks like Mayweather doing some WWE thing with a guy who resembles our image of Bigfoot. Or the Boogie Man.

This looks fine and all for people who like sports movies/TV shows, but until we see Mayweather and Yao Ming battle to the death, we're not impressed.

A sign of things to come?

Fuck.

The time I took an hour-long shit

Being a shitter (n. A person who takes shits) is a lot like being a baseball player.

Sometimes you're in the zone and then you get in a slump. For one reason or another, a major leaguer, paid millions for his services, cannot for the life of him hit the ball well. Same goes for a shitter. You can be in a month-long zone where every shit you take is a well-packed turd and becomes a one-wiper. But then you fall into a slump.

I, friends, am in a slump.

Saturday night I got home around 1 a.m. and had been gassy as hell the last few hours. Probably the tacos at Jack in the Box. It would've been in my best interest to pump out a crap like an hour before I left where I was, but it was the wrong time, wrong place.

So I waited. Bad move.

Rule No. 1 about taking a good dump: When you first feel it, go for it. If you wait, it just makes a mess and takes a chunk out of your day.

But I broke the cardinal about taking a good dump and it cost me. Severely.

I sat down around 1:05 and everything was working fine. I settled down with a three-week-old issue of SI, read about the increasingly-popular dribble-drive-motion offense being run at many high schools and colleges, the race in the NBA Western Conference and Miguel Tejada's hero status in the DR.

That took about 25 minutes. And I still hadn't gotten to wiping.

Now our pal Lozo says that no crap should take longer than five minutes. Au contraire, Mr. Lozo. Au contraire. After 25 minutes, I was just getting started.

I'd prefer to not be graphic, but after about a half an hour, I still felt the pressure of some excrement, but it just couldn't work its way out.

This is where things got dicey.

My legs were asleep, my ass was asleep and I was out of reading material. I knew I wasn't done, but I needed aid in working the shit out of my body.

I walked around.

Pants around ankles, I walked into my living room, watched some SportsCenter and waited. It worked, too, as when I sat back down, I was able to work a bit out. But I still wasn't done.

So I walked around some more. I thought about doing some jumping jacks, but still covered in my own feces, feared a potential spray on the white carpet.

Around 2 a.m., I was fed up. I was trying to get to bed at a reasonable time and was sick of sitting around covered in my movements.

I wiped, pulled my pants up, and walked away, pretending nothing happened.

But something clearly had. I may never be the same...

Oregon State is not good. Well, its record isn't good. They could probably win some games in the Big 10. But so could Oak Hill Academy.

It's been a long season for Oregon State basketball. Coach gets fired in the middle of the season, star player gets dismissed by new coach and current players recently threatened to fight with an opposing team prior to a game.

Putting salt in the wounds, OSU is the only team winless in a BCS conference. (C-USA's Rice and the Mountain West's Colorado State are winless in league, too).

Oregon State is 0-16 in Pac-10 play and losers of 18 straight. The last time the Corvallis school was in a single-digit game was Feb. 7.

But things could be worse. At least the school's mascot isn't a slang name for a vagina.

Oh.

Our voice can be heard

...Sunday. 1:30 Pacific, 4:30 Eastern. Listen here (or maybe here). We think.

We've been invited back to the FDH Lounge, an Internet TV program on SportsTalkNetwork.com. We did the show around this time last year, to promote our "Would you do..." tournament.

They're doing a day-long marathon to help raise money for a good cause. You can read about it here and here.