Thursday, March 27, 2008

We don't want to harm your cat, but we will...

You guys aren't sick of this style of post, are you? If you are, go fuck your mother.

We really like them. Like really. We have more fun writing these than we do masturbating and, boy, we sure love masturbating.

It's the combination of writing short lengths, being totally scatter-brained and writing in an even sillier tone than we normally use.

(Really though -- that's the third "really" in this segment -- if you don't like these posts, let us know. Then fuck yourself).


We don't get too involved with the Facebook. Send some messages to friends afar, look at some pictures, and see what guys are trying to bang our girlfriend who lives in LA.

But what really gets us -- what really fucking grinds our gears -- is the "status" updates. Of our listed "friends," we have ones that are saying, "____ stressed," "____ is in the mood to cook :)" "____ is being 23."

What. The. Fuck.

If we updated our fucking status, we'd say something like, " masturbating to your Facebook photos and plotting to run over your cat."


We've just been informed by a colleague that it was snowing today in Tacoma, Wash., which is about 25 miles from Seattle.

In related news, Tuesday is the beginning of fucking APRIL!


We're hard knowing that we have more Madness this afternoon, but we would be harder if our money wasn't already squandered.

Last week we told you about the pool we do every year: eight guys do a fantasy draft of the 64 teams. So eight guys get eight teams each. Based on the total wins by those eight teams, that's your winner. Usually 10-12 total victories wins the thing.

We had the fifth pick overall pick and here's how our "team" turned out:

George Mason

Yeah, so we got bent over pretty good. Fucking Drake, man. That one stung. G'Town shitting the bed didn't really matter much, just the final fuck you to a dismal performance.

For those keeping score, we have four total wins and one team left. That's fucking dreadful.


We were thinking, with baseball season officially underway (even though any fan will tell you Opening Day is Monday), who is the worst statistical starter in the bigs?

Juan Pierre's gotta be up there.

Pedro Feliz is mind-fuckingly bad. His OBP is terrible and if there's a guy on first with less than two outs he'll pull a slider low and away to short and begin a 6-4-3 double play.

Richie Sexson, pictured with a woman with fake breasts and a glass eye, redeems himself with decent power numbers. But for a middle-of-the-lineup hitter, his average is too low, strikeouts are too high and the hole in his swing is bigger than Joe Buck's ego.


Fire Joe Morgan has perhaps the best description of Steven Segal movies we've ever seen:

"Not even computers could find value in Hard to Kill, Marked for Death, Out for Justice, or any of the other Adjective Preposition Violent-Thing movies he's made. (I realize Hard to Kill is actually Adjective Violent-Infinitive, but you get the idea.)"


Our pals at Hotdog & Friends, which is your home for all things CBI, posed us the question whether or not we would do Laura Linney.

We said in Primal Fear yes, in Love Actually no.


Ballhype hosted an interesting discussion whether or not the NBA is a niche sport.

We're not sure the answer. Lots of good arguments in there, lots of flawed points, too.

All we know is that while the NBA is loaded with star power, the only watchable team is Golden State when they play at home because the Warriors play a college-style game, show rare emotion and the fans are loud enough to drown out the fucking organ.

Not sure if others feel the same sentiment, but we're far more interested in the likes of the College World Series, local high school basketball and women's sports than we are in the NBA...especially come playoff time. (Unless, of course, the Warriors are beating the Mavs again).


Unless they're going to release an unedited, R-rated version, behind the scenes video, ESPN should cut ties with Bob Knight. He's bad.

And we're in the minority, but we really like Doug Gottleib. He's matter-of-fact, accurate and uses far more rationale than any other college basketball analayst.

Then there's Billy Packer. Don't get us started...

Enjoy the games, folks!


Bokolis said...

It's hard to get torched like that without picking a big 10 team.

I have no issues, even now, with tapping into Laura Linney. In fact, if I were 10 years older, I'd have no problem slinging that around on my arm.

It's amazing how fast that Bob Knight/ESPN thing jumped the shark. Granted, he doesn't know how to pick out the best teams, but I thought he actually had a few things to say in the first couple of almost didn't seem like typical ESPN pre-packaged bullshit analysis. Now, he has entrance music and he's up there goofing around with Digger and Dickie and Rece....Rece.

GMoney said...

I'm with you, Gottlieb and Tom Brennan are fantastic. I respect anyone that enjoys what they do for a living.

Lauran Linney would probably make the Final Four of this current WYD tourney.

You should run a WYD for your commenters. My money is on NFL Adam.

matt said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Constable Echelon said...

I would beat the brakes off Laura Linney. Any role, especially Abigail Adams. I would also prefer the mistress/admin from that documentary Dave.

Ercheron said...

And PS my baby bears Chairman Meow and Eva Purroan resent this feline aggression.

The Big Picture said...


you lost the right to comment here, remember?

Anonymous said...

A blank post would beat those douchebag "brackets" posts.