Friday, September 14, 2007

The Aristocrats

Seen the movie The Aristocrats? If you haven't read this first.

Since our big plans for today fell through, we had to come up with a makeshift post. So we're gonna have an aristocrats contest. In the comments, give us your best version of the joke. Winner gets a shoutout or link or handjob sometime next week. Bonus points if you make it sports related.

Here's what we could come up with:

Bill Belichick walks into a talent agency. He says, "Boy, do I have the act for you." The agent says, "OK. I'll take a look."
Bill is sitting in the corner and starts jerking off. Enters his ex-wife Debby and two sons, Stephen and Bryan. Bryan starts fucking his mom in the ass and Stephen starts sucking up Bill.

In comes daughter Amanda who starts tossing Stephen's salad. Bill's done with his hummer, and comes around Amanda and starts fucking her in the ass. Amanda, an ass virgin, loses control of her bowels and starts shitting everywhere.

In comes Grandpa who starts banging Debby, who, conveniently, is on her period. There's still shit everywhere and Bill gets pissed at daughter Amanda and cuts off her arm with a samurai sword.

Bill then makes Stephen start fucking the hole where Amanda's arm used to be. Everyone's masturbating.

Bryan can't go anymore and starts cumming everywhere. In comes Spot and he starts fucking Grandma. Grandpa gets pissed and starts fucking the dog in the ass while the pup's giving it to Grandma.

There's blood! There's shit! There's cum!

At this point, Amanda's losing blood, everybody's cumming and in comes Barbaro. Barbaro starts fucking Bill with his monster horse cock. Bill loses control of his bowels and he starts shitting everywhere. Debby pees on Barbaro and Barbaro releases a volcano of horse jiz all over the place.

Tom Brady, jealous of all of this, comes in and shoots everybody dead, except for Belichick. There's more blood then both can handle and they start fucking the dead corpses. Even Barbaro gets plowed, and he's now twice over dead.

Brady finishes his fucking and blows his load all over the shit- and blood-covered area. Belichick nuts again, all over Tom. They both hug, kiss and take a bow.
For the longest time, the agent just sits in silence. Finally, he manages, "That's a hell of an act. What do you call it?" And Belichick says, "The Aristocrats!"


GMoney said...

Oh wow, you are the king.

89Panther8034 said...

So… Michael Vick walks into a talent agency. The talent scout says, “No shit… Michael fucking Vick, what the hell are you doing here?” Vick says to the talent scout “Boy oh boy do I have the act for you…” The scout says “alright, lets see it…”

So Vick walks out of the office and comes back in with the cutest little puppy in his arms. He slowly undoes his belt as his pants fall to the floor. He then takes the puppy, holds him above his head, and in one violent swoop, rams the puppy straight onto his cock. He then masturbates using the puppy as if it were an old sock for a solid half hour until the puppy begins to vomit uncontrollably all over the place… Vick pulls the puppy off his dick and bitch slaps it across the face. The puppy, defeated, motionless, and half dead looks up at the agent with one last twinkle in his eye as if any attempt to cry for help would be futile and meaningless. Vick then tosses the puppy into a baby pool of water, grabs the television off the shelf, and tosses it into the baby pool, lighting the defenseless puppy up like a Christmas tree. He then yanks the puppy out of the pool, still savagely twitching and smoking from the high voltage shock it had just received, and jams his whole hand up the puppy’s ass. Vick then tries to disguise his voice as if he were a ventriloquist using the puppy as his puppet and says, “I am just a little puppy, I won’t be big enough to fight with the other puppies, this is what happens when you fail the Michael Vick training class…” He then wraps a noose around the dogs neck, hangs him from the ceiling, pulls out a gun and a cattle prod at the same time, and begins shooting and shocking the puppy in alternating movements. He then grabs the puppy, yells out “Go Long!!” and tosses the lifeless puppy carcass out the open window into the street… He then looks at the agent with a big smile on his face and says… ”TAAA DAAAAAA!!!!”

The agent, disgusted, appalled, and somewhat aroused by what he had just seen says to Vick, “What kind of sick shit was that?” Vick then replies, exuding with pride and pleasure…”I like to call it… the Aristocrats.”

Mookie said...

Lloyd Carr walks into a talent agency, with his game schedule sheet. He says "Boy do I have an act for you". So he asked "where is the bathroom?".

The talent agent says, "to the right, do you need to crap?".

Lloyd says, "I need it for the act". So he tore the sheet into several pieces, shoved it in his mouth, and ate the prune that he also had in his hand. After 30 minutes, he finally went to the toilet, let one load, and you could clearly see the Michigan game schedule pieces printed in the crap.

The agent says, "Wow, what do you call that?"

Lloyd says, "The aristocraps."

The Big Picture said...

Um, Zach, you might have a winner. That was awesome, panther. AWESOME!


Anonymous said...

ok so the point is to be AS OFFENSIVE as POSSIBLE, right? Keep that in mind...

In fact this is too sick to use my regular display name, but zach, I think you'll know who this is from. real cool. here goes:

So Marshawn Lynch walks into a talent agent's office. The agent says "wow, a pro football player, what are you doing here?" Lynch says: "I've got an act for you, it's great." The Agent says, "Ok what is it?"

Lynch leans back in his chair, takes a deep breath, and describes the act:

"Ok, so first I come out on stage. If you haven't heard I'm hung like a clydesdale. I whip it out and start jerking off. Just as I'm getting hard, the Bills cheerleaders come out on stage and undress. I give it to each one of them in turn, the first girl gets it missionary, the next one doggy, the next gets with me standing up bouncing her on my dick, the next one cowgirl, and finally the last one reverse cowgirl. These girls are pretty tight so most of them can't really handle me and they bleed all over the stage. Finally I cum and let me tell you, it's a like a super soaker. I get it all over the girls and the stage.

"Then I bring out my offensive line. These guys are pretty sick. They start to fuck the cheerleaders, only they do it in the ass. In fact, they make an interesting formation, each lineman plugging a cheerleader, while the cheerleader gives the lineman in front of her a rimjob. They make a circle like this, alternating linemen and cheerleaders. Most of the girls lose it and shit all over the place. Then they try to give the linemen blowjobs, but they end up gagging and throw up all over the place.

"So we've got cum, shit, a little blood, and vomit all over the stage. The cheerleaders do a dance in it, and right when you think the act is gonna end, we bring out the grand finale...

"From stage right we wheel out a stretcher carrying none other than our mostly paralyzed teammate Kevin Everett. He can't really move voluntarily so we can do pretty much whatever we want to him. Me and the lineman plug up every orifice we can find. We go at it like a bunch of wild animals, taking turns fucking him in the ass, mouth, nostril, ear, you name it. We toss his floppy body around the stage like a rag doll. The sick part is, he gets aroused. So one of the cheerleaders sucks him off until kevin, me, and the linemen, all skeet at the same time, and we do it all over the first three rows of the audience!"

The agent wipes a shocked expression off his face, shakes his head, whistles, and says, "that's some fucked up shit. what do you call this act?"

Marshawn says, "The Aristocrats!"

The Big Picture said...

oh, shit, i knew someone was gonna get Everett in there...

Anonymous said...

Jesus, Zach. look at what you started.

Anonymous said...

I figured Kevin Everett would get in this discussion somehow. Only people who have seen that movie though would understand why.

What other tragedy can we have being fucked, shit on, pissed on, or killed?