The 49ers couldn't score with an Indonesian hooker

The 49ers are pathetic. Pull your pubes out one by one pathetic. And after a 24-0 loss to the Seahawks, where San Francico may or may not have had positive yardage, it's time for finger pointing. And fucking ultimatums.

Here it is: if the Niners run the Spread Option for one full half of real, NFL football, we won't drop an F-bomb for a week.

Why run the Spread Option?

Young Alex Smith used to be a football player before he was drafted by the 49ers. When he played at Utah, he successfully ran the spread under Urban Meyer's innovative offense and led the Utes to an undefeated season and Fiesta Bowl win. With a mobile Smith coupled with Frank Gore, there's enough speed in the backfield to at least attempt running it.

Because NFL defenses are so fast these days, there's a chance that Smith orchestrating the spread option will lead to him being in a coma. But that might not be such a bad thing, though his guaranteed money could fuck the franchise.

Coach Mike Nolan needs to take some hints. Running up the middle isn't working. I-Form isn't fucking working. Young Alex Smith taking the ball under center isn't fucking working. So try something new.

It might fail miserably. It might work wonderfully and we'll be asked to be an offensive consultant for the rest of the season. Just give it a chance. If the 49ers do, we'll clean up the language and fucking write this site in perfect prose and iambic pentameter.

Happy Veteran's Day

We're not really sure the difference between Labor Day, Memorial Day and Veteran's Day, but any chance to get a three-day weekend is awesome.

We're traveling today, so enjoy the lovely Denise and we'll see ya tomorrow.

Enjoy the day off, knuckleheads.

What Really Grinds My Gears

You Know What Really Grinds My Gears (named after the segment on Family Guy, of course) is a new feature that will run whenever the fuck we want it to...but usually on a slow news day. It will focus on those pet peeves that, well, really grind your gears. It likely won't be sports-related. Fuck sports. This isn't a sports blog anyway...Oh. Right. Um, yeah, we'll see about making them sports-related. If you have any suggestions -- or would even like to guest write one! -- send your submissions to zachls5@gmail.com or Ballhype us or something Internet-y like that.

You know what really grinds my gears?

People who wear sunglasses inside. I mean, what the fuck? Is the sun shining in the restaurant? Can you not do your bicep curls without your shades on?

Unless you don't have a left eye or something, take your fucking glasses off inside.

I mean, whaddya want? You want attention? You want me to look at you because you're wearing fucking sunglasses indoors? You want me to tell you that you have good form when you do squats?

I was at the gym and there was this douche-gremlin with sunglasses on. It was fucking dark outside, so unless this guy was sensitive to 100-watt light bulbs, he was grinding my fucking gears. Maybe he got his ass kicked and didn't want to show his black eye. But F that. Be a man. Show your war marks. Don't cover that up with sunglasses. That's what makeup's for, sweetheart.

You gonna wear your glasses to the bar? Is that a fashion statement? You know what else is a fashion statement? Jeans and fucking blazer. Try that next time.

So take your sunglasses of inside and show your pretty little eyes.

And that, people, is what really grinds my gears.

Holy Shit!

Bored? Need a change in your life? Kinda need to take a dump? Look no further.

Police in Naples, Fla., are on the lookout for users of "jenkem," a homemade drug created by allowing human urine and feces to ferment in a bottle with a balloon covering the opening. Users inhale the released methane gas from the balloon to get a "euphoric high similar to ingesting cocaine, but with strong hallucinations of times past."

This seems like the perfect thing for Mike Vick to do in prison. And it's a helluva lot cheaper than blow.

[There's a good chance this is just a hoax, but we highly encourage you try for yourself.]

Big Picture Categories: Team names that don't end in "S"

King's Cup might be the best drinking game out there. Everyone has their own version, there's ample drinking and sometimes -- on a few lucky occasions -- hot chicks end up naked. One of the best "games" in King's Cup is Categories, which often is represented by the Jack card. In Categories, the person who draws the card says a category (fast food joints, baseball stadiums, etc.) and everyone must go around the circle naming one until somebody stumbles. When that person fucks up, they drink. Make sense? Good.

Just about everywhere you turn in sports, you're going to find a "Wildcats," "Tigers" or "Bears." But not too many teams -- at least in professional sports -- have nicknames that don't end in an "S."

Today's category then will be naming those teams that don't have an "S" at the end. Since there are a lot of these, let's keep them to colleges and U.S. leagues (MLB, NFL, NBA, NHL, MLS all count -- the WNBA does not. Does it ever?). We'll start and you guys continue in the comments. You can go again after every five comments. First person to blow it has to ask a random member of the Sioux tribe if they have a drinking problem.

We'll start things off with one of our favorite collegiate names: the North Dakota Fighting Sioux.

All right, folks. Get freaky in the comments.

Navy win = no school!

What's it take to get class canceled these days? Just schedule Notre Dame. From SI.com:

The Naval Academy canceled classes Monday, giving the 4,400 midshipmen another day to celebrate the football team's first victory over Notre Dame in 44 tries.

Yes, Navy plays football. Notre Dame no longer does. And because of this, rather than learn, the Naval Academy spent most of Monday doing push ups, folding clothes and doing other stereotypical things people associate with the military.

Perhaps with this line of thinking, if Navy beats rival Army on Dec. 1, maybe they'll just cancel the war.

Tony Siragusa's Meat of the Day

Tony Siragusa's Meat of the Day is just what it sounds like: the meat that Siragusa enjoyed Sunday while covering NFL action for FOX. Siragusa's weekly meat will be released on Mondays.

Whoops. Day late on this. Sorry.

Tony's meat of the day: King Cotton thick sliced bologna.

Last week: salami.

Blogger Interviews: JoeSportsFan

We're running a segment here at The Big Picture where we'll interview some of the biggest names in the sports blogosphere. What's the point? Well, these guys spend countless, thankless hours writing, so a little recognition from time to time is well warranted. Think of this as the blogger's version of a reach-around or something.

We got a goody today. Joining us is Matt Sebek, one of the great minds behind the wildly-hilarious JoeSportsFan. Sebek spoke on behalf of his colleagues and represented the site nicely. JSF has many great features, namely the JSF MediaSpace pages, JSF Radio and the Worthless Card Collection. You can learn more about JSF here. Through this, and other columns, they successfully "Celebrate the Absurdity of Professional Sports." Feel free to poke fun in the comments...

1. The rundown:

Name: Matt Sebek (conducting the interview because -- quite frankly -- I'm the most intelligent and best looking of the crew), Josh Bacott, and Pat Imig with contributions from Jason Major and Alex Fritz.
Age: Collective average of 25.433
Location: St. Louis, Missouri
Occupation: Web Developer, Professional Blogger (I prefer the standard "writer" or "journalist"...but Imig is pushing me to use "professional blogger" whenever possible in hopes that it enters mainstream lingo sooner than expected so it can get him laid).
Favorite team: Cardinals, Blues, Rams, MU Tigers...blah, blah, blah. Big shout out to the Meredith Gorillas too -- the self-proclaimed best rec-league softball team this side of the Mississippi. We flat out rake.
Links to your favorite all-time posts you've written. (3-5)

My favorite all-time JSF column is Josh's "Softball Guy" piece. We owe a lot of our early success to that column and it still makes me laugh every time I read it.

I know Pat's favorite stuff is the "SC" radio skits. It’s always a good time to picture SportsCenter and ESPN in a "high prime-time drama" setting because they sometimes take themselves too seriously. Okay, lots of times.

We also have to pimp the JoeSportsFan Worthless Card Collection -- which is probably our collective favorite content on the site. It was Josh's creation, but we all share in the fun these days. It's a surreal experience to walk into a baseball card shop and ask for the "shittiest card you got."

From my collection of "Fans of the Week," my favorite is the historical encountering of two of the greatest tattoos to grace our fair city.

Time per day spent blogging and perusing the blogosphere:

3-4 hours a day, with the exception of Imig -- who hasn't sold out to the whole "get a real job to make money" sort of thing.

2. JoeSportsFan isn't your traditional blog. (Hell, maybe "blog" isn't even the right classification). Either way, why the different look and format? Is it to stick out? And, if not a blog, why the association with the blogs?

When we started the site in 2003, the idea of a "blog" was still in early development, so there really wasn’t a standard format to use. We aren’t the typical blog in format, but in terms of point of view and the style of our content, we’re on the same page -- meaning that we try not to take ourselves too seriously and we make fun of Chris Berman a lot.

We have made attempts to produce more content per week, and we maintain an open website format to allow ourselves to promote other sections of our site -- like the MediaSpace pages, JSF Radio, and the Worthless Card Collection. For the most part, we don’t view it as a "blog" or "not a blog" because, as silly as it sounds, we really strive to carry out the site motto -- "Celebrating the Absurdity of Professional Sports." We all share the belief that the writing will remain enjoyable when that’s the theme and direction of our content. If we’re not having fun, you can pretty much bet the readers aren’t either. And as we all know, having fun is one step closer to being like Brett Favre. All that sure means a whole helluva lot these days.

3. JSF MediaSpace and JSF Radio give us about as big a laugh as anything on the Internet. How'd you guys come up with those? How do you actually design the MediaSpace pages so they look, well, like a MySpace page? And how is the JSF Radio recorded? Who does it? The Coach K one is precious.

True story: the MediaSpace pages came about when I was on a flight home from Florida, and I was messing around on my laptop -- changing my desktop wallpaper and other mindless crap. I set my background to a picture of Albert Pujols -- because that's what heterosexual men do these days, and envisioned that somehow, somewhere, Sean Salisbury was doing the same thing -- only with Brett Favre, and with no clothes on. The MediaSpace pages evolved from there.

The pages themselves are one of my favorite pieces of the site. As I said, I'm a web developer by trade, so I built us kids a nice little system that allow us to go in and create MediaSpace profile, assign "friends," leave comments, etc. Basically, a mimic of the real MySpace behind the scenes -- which makes the creation of the content the simplest thing.

As far as producing the content within the MediaSpace pages, they're usually hashed out among the three of us via email, and we usually fight over who gets to post Tony Romo asking every single respective MediaSpace member if they want to be friends.

The radio bits are pretty much all done by Pat Imig, who has more time on his hands than my retired Grandma. He uses Cool Edit Pro to edit everything and uses a basic microphone to record. And oddly enough, the Coach K Phone Call was never planned, it just happened spontaneously. Listening to his press conference on the ACC web site the day after Tyler Hansbrough was bloodied by Gerald Henderson was the inspiration. The guy acts so annoyed and disinterested with everyone.

Truth be told, Imig is our site's heel for internal banter, but the guy is absolutely freaking talented with recording and editing. If he actually had a resume, he could list me as a reference and I'd say the exact same thing.

4. Why start the site? Why not just create a regular blog like the rest of males, 18-35?

We started in 2003 with absolutely no expectations, just as an outlet to write about sports from our own point of view. The way the site is set up now gives us some freedom to do pretty much anything we want -- long-form columns, short blog-style posts, alternative stuff like JSF Radio, MediaSpace and the Card Collection, or just to post a picture of a guy that has Busch Stadium tattooed on his back fat.

It’s also important to mention we feel fortunate to have the working relationship we do with one another. We're all close now, but none of us knew each other prior to working together, so it’s cool to be able to work with people who are all trying to build something bigger. Added bonus: it’s fun to introduce each other as "some guy I met on the Internet" in public settings.

5. Dream job? Go.

Making a living from JoeSportsFan in a variety of different mediums -- online content, radio, and television. If you can’t convince yourself that any of that stuff is possible, it’s really hard to succeed (at least, that’s what John Madden once said...at least we think that's what he meant). You might as well fool yourself into believing it can happen.

6. There are all sorts of wonderful blogs out there. A few you'd recommend?

If I was forced to name five of the big sites that we all check frequently, I would say Deadspin, The Big Lead, With Leather, SportsbyBrooks, and Mr. Irrelevant. I know it sounds really cliché to list all of those in our "top five," but there's a reason why every single one of those sites are successful. As popular as Deadspin has become over the past two years, the one thing that is often forgotten is Will's writing skills. There's a reason he is where he is today. Matt Ufford from With Leather is someone that I really respect from a comedic perspective. The guy's joke transitions are seamless, even when they start with things like Lance Bass and end with Rex Grossman.

We also enjoy the Sports Nation blogs for our hometown teams (Turfshow Times, Viva El Birdos), as well as Fire Joe Morgan and BallHype. The Sports Hernia is also solid and we’ve long been fans of the Sports Pickle -- he has a new book out, by the way. We also have to give mad Stu-Scott-hugs and hand-pounds to The Sports Frog for being the first real sports blog out there.

7. Most rewarding part of the site? Most frustrating?

Most rewarding is when you hear other people say that JSF is on their list of sites they go to daily.

With so many sites out there that offer quality stuff, having our name amongst them is very satisfying. The most frustrating part of the job is when you write until 1:00 a.m. on a work night and then realize that it's not your full time job. But then when you find out someone read it on the crapper, it’s all worth it again. The crapper is prestigious real estate, and to have a piece of JSF with them...well, it's just brings a tear to my eye.

8. What's the ultimate goal of the site?

The ultimate goal is to take JSF to the point where we’re doing this full time. And we’re talking about all sorts of stuff -- writing, radio bits, TV, anything and everything that we can make funny/entertaining. Who knows if it’s realistic, but if its not, it’s going to take a hell of a long time before we admit that to ourselves.

One of things I enjoy the most about JSF is that we don't really have a defined format, and being a web developer allows us to get creative with the powers of online media. We spend a lot of time pumping out daily content that we're proud of, but we're just as proud of the aspects of JSF that are unique -- MediaSpace, JSF Radio, and The Worthless Card Collection. We hope to incorporate these unique aspects of our work wherever we go.

9. We imagine JSF gets a great readership now. If not, it fucking should. The content speaks for itself, but it needs to get out there somehow -- especially at first. How'd the initial promotion of the site go? Message boards? Email strings? And a piece of advice, if you will, for some smaller sites how to build a steady, interactive readership?

Initially there was no promotion. The "blogosphere" wasn’t really in existence like it is now so we basically relied on word of mouth, e-mail blasts, etc. Links on some of the larger link-sharing sites are important this day in age as they can send thousands of readers. RSS feeds are fabulous and allow for immediate promotion of the site. We recently developed our RSS feed, and it's done wonders for our site.

My advice would be to consistently pump out quality material. You’ll get a better feel for what you’re good at and what your audience wants, plus no one wants to go to your blog and see week old posts on there. That’s a key thing: you can get all the links and publicity you want, but if the content isn’t solid, readers won’t come back.

Specifically, for The Big Picture, I think something like this interview series is wonderful (down to Question No. 9, and time to suck off the guy giving the interview. If only Peter King was this lucky)...and I think the response you've gotten is legit. The interviews have given people a chance to get to know the intellect behind their daily reads. And, it's given some great exposure to sites that you may not have heard of before.

10. Is JSF a paid gig? If so, um, yeah, you hiring or what?

Right now we pay our writers in Pete Vukovich rookie cards.

11. You're having dinner with four people -- two athletes, one hot chick and a dead president. Name 'em. And, of course, why?

Athlete 1: Brett Favre, to see if he picks up his wife and runs around with her on his shoulders after washing the dishes.

Athlete 2: Stone Cold Steve Austin, with the guarantee that he stuns Suzy Kolber while offering a sideline report during a MNF broadcast.

Chick: Tiffani-Amber Thiessen, I still like to think she's turned on by tight-rolled Guess jeans, blond butt-cuts, and Bayside Tigers' gear.

President: William Howard Taft -- my God, that was one doozy of a mustache. Plus, he's the guy credited with starting the wave, so I'd like to slap him with a 16 ounce strip steak.

(Past interviews; also found on right sidebar: Dawizofodds; Matt Ufford; The Mighty MJD; Jamie Mottram; The Big Lead; The Cavalier; Will Leitch; Dan Shanoff; Dan Steinberg; Brooks; Unsilent Majority; J.E. Skeets; Henry Abbott; The Dugout; NFL Adam; Bethlehem Shoals; Orson Swindle; Big Daddy Drew; Brian Cook; Awful Announcing).

Wayne Gretzky is 'Takin' Care of Business'

(Click for larger view)

Sometimes a gift just falls in your lap. Maybe it's karma. Maybe it's because it's Wednesday. Who really knows?

But that tough-to-see image is Wayne Gretzky's playlist, courtesy of Coyotes Trax. What is Coyotes Trax? We better let them explain.

With "Coyotes Trax," you can purchase your favorite Coyotes players' entire playlist, or individual songs at the iTunes Store (www.itunes.com). You can also enjoy a wide range of music including songs which get players pumped in the locker room as well as the music they enjoy away from the rink.

We're the least bit surprised the Great One listens to Bachman-Turner Overdrive. "Takin' Care of Business" fucking kills.

Though Gretzky having a Sarah McLachlan song on his playlist definitely threw us for a loop.

Beware of dog

"Man's best friend" no longer.

A hunter is recovering after he was shot in the leg at close range by his dog, who stepped on his shotgun and tripped the trigger, an official said Tuesday.

No one else was hurt, and the dog was not injured.

Sounds like an accident, right? Wrong. Dead fucking wrong.

Michael Vick has pissed off dogs everywhere and now the entire canine community is turning on humans.

No longer are dogs cute, cuddly house pets. They're fucking hunters.

Thank you, Michael Vick. Dog lovers will forever live in fear...

Halloween Costumes

Tomorrow's Halloween and creativity is running low. We're considering going out wearing jeans and a shirt and saying we're dressed as Brad Pitt, but we don't think that'll fly. Going as Barbaro might not work either.

So, we need some help. Any good ideas out there? A past favorite of ours is putting on a UW Huskies football t-shirt and then putting a bag over head like those two upset Bengals fans.

But help. Please. Bonus points for sports-related costumes. Your creativity in the comments.

And since we're talking costumes, we highly suggest you go back and check out last year's post at The M Zone. Fantastic.

Patriots cross the line; and other cheap thoughts without much thought

Bill Belichick and the Patriots pushed us further than we've been pushed in a while. We can't remember the last time a game with no direct ties to our rooting interests bothered us so much. Sure, there were some fantasy football implications (which, lately, has been the cause of instant anger), but this time it was beyond that.

The Pats, late in a rout, were showing no signs of sportsmanship, no signs of remorse, no signs of fucking humanity. They were disrespecting a good team with a better coach. They saw the line, laughed, and crossed it by a fucking mile.

The Pats shouldn't have had Brady in at the start of the fourth quarter. Up 38-0, they certainly shouldn't have had him passing. Then, on fourth and one, you kick the fucking field goal. And once you convert said fourth down they shouldn't have been attempting in the first place, do not keep passing. Fucking ridiculous.

New England then went for it again on fourth down, up 45-0. Forty five to fucking nothing! Call the Mercy Rule or something. And even with Brady out, the Pats were still throwing the ball. We don't give a fuck if they wanted to give the backup work. Run the ball up the middle for three plays and then punt the ball. Anything else is bullshit. Motherfucking, ass-raping bullshit.

In college, where running up the score actually matters for something, you won't see coaches passing up by 40 points. Those collegiate coaches certainly wouldn't go for it on fourth down.

We kept watching, glued to the TV expecting something big to happen. New England's antics were the type that would result in the 'Skins starting a brawl. Seriously. We were waiting for a cheap shot, late hit, helmet-to-helmet. Something. We were curious if Gibbs would still have enough class to shake Belichick's hand after the game. (He did, quickly).

You know -- you just fucking know -- that those cock-sucking Boston fans were rooting for the Pats to run it up too. They wanted 100. There probably wasn't one person in the state of Massachusetts who was thinking that Belichick was taking this one too far.

The statement was made by halftime. When the game was really out of hand late in the third, put in the backups, call dives, off-tackles and fucking QB kneels.

We're very disappointed, and that's not a common emotion of ours. Usually it's as simple as happy, angry or horny. But this went too far. The Patriots used to be a classy organization. Now they're callous assholes who couldn't tell sportsmanship from arrogance.

Fuck you Mr. Belichick. You should be ashamed. May you get hit by a car. Scratch that. Bus. A big fucking bus.

(Here's an article by our former colleague Les Carpenter, now with the Washington Post [Registration required, but do it. It takes 30 seconds and it's worth it]. It hints at what we feel, though most of the players and Gibbs gave the quotes you'd expect, and blamed themselves more than anything).

Meanwhile...

-The lady pictured is British hottie Keely Hazell. After watching the National Football League from London, it's clear that there is only one attractive person in all of England.

-Tony Siragusa's meat of the day: salami.

-Be honest. You thought Cleo Lemon was white.

-Two teams heading in the right direction: Saints and Chargers. Looks like natural disasters can have their positive effects, after all.

-Did David Carr start hanging out in San Francisco's Castro District? That long hair and glove has Lance Bass wet.

-Shannon Sharpe said 11 words clearly during halftime off the Colts-Panthers game. Last week: nine.

-That fucking obnoxious FOX robot? Really Terry Bradshaw.

-Oh, the 49ers have seemingly forgot how to play football. Young Alex Smith and David Carr would be a cute couple.

-With the Pats up by 600, we're still at Gillette Stadium. And while Jacksonville-Tampa is the only legit game going and it's on CBS, you'd think that FOX would at least mention that there is competitive football being played Sunday.

-Vinny Testaverde joke of the day (no, not his stats or us foolishly starting him in one fantasy league): Testaverde hurt, Panthers turn to "Western" medicine.

-At a dinner party next week, when Bob Griese is asked how his son is, he'll reply, "what son?"

-Willie Parker, after multiple 100-yard-no-TD games, has decided that scoring is cool too and got in the endzone. Elsewhere, man walks on moon.

-Were the Brits booing the Giants taking a knee or Eli Manning throwing for 58 yards?

-Seen the movie Smoking Aces? The day a hit is put out for Brady or Belichick the same way it is for Buddy Israel, rain drops will turn to fucking jelly beans.

-We didn't see pictures from the Minnesota-Philly game, but word has it that Kelly Holcomb was playing, so we'll just assume an Eagles win and 78 carries for Adrian Peterson.

Holy Shit!

Trinity College (San Antonio) sure knows how to lateral -- it led to a 28-24 win on the last play of their D-III win over Millsaps (Jackson, Miss.)

You just know Millsaps fans went home and stared at two things: a.) an empty glass of Scotch and b.) the barrel of a gun.

THE BAND IS OUT ON THE FIELD EXCEPT THESE SCHOOLS ARE TOO SMALL TO HAVE BANDS!!!!!

More, accurate, actual information at your home for college football, The Wizard of Odds.

Blah blah blah...Red Sox win...Blah blah blah

One silver lining: those fuckhead Sox fans didn't get to see the celebration at Fenway.

Congratulations to the World Champion 2007 Boston Red Sox. Thanks for ending the MLB season on a bad note for just about every one outside of New England.

As for the goggles, well, that's one redeeming quality. Awesome! They remind us of the guy in the back left of this photo.

Joe Buck is exciting

Find more videos at BurlySports.com

Burly Sports comes up with this great video of what certain historic sporting events might sound like if they're dusted with the monotone of Joe Buck.

Buck, a personal favorite or ours, never quite learned the use of voice inflexion. But monotone is good. As is cauliflower, BET and high cholesterol.

Fuck Boston, Part Deux

By request from readers John and Josh...


Fuck the Red Sox.

Game 2 can go eat an asshole. We don't care that Curt Schilling still plays baseball or that Matt Holiday got caught leaning. Sox fans can wipe their pansy-ass smiles off their faces and learn how to fucking talk right.

Fuck Boston College.

Was Doug Fluke-ie playing QB for the Eagles Thursday? This is not good for the purity of college football. Or maybe it is. You know there'll be hell to pay if BC and Ohio State are playing for a National Championship. Meanwhile, No. 32 loves the cock.

Fuck onside kicks

Fuck spelling "calendar" wrong.

Fuck Ben Affleck

Fuck the River Dance

Fuck chowder

Fuck Samuel Adams Boston lager

Fuck those alcoholics who order Sam Adams in the commercial.

Fuck Haaar-vad

Fuck Fleet Bank

Fuck KG

Fuck Bunker Hill

Fuck Aerosmith

An interview with author Steve Reilly

A few weeks back, our people were contacted by Steve Reilly's people about setting up an interview at this site. Since we usually approach others about an interview and the Reilly Party thought high enough of this blog to approach us, we welcomed a Q&A.

The Fat Lady Never Sings is about a high school baseball team that makes up for a disappointing year on the football field. If you like sports, high school and things that involve sports and high school, this book is for you. If you don't like those things, this book is still for you.

Reilly has spent the last 20 years as an assistant high school baseball coach in Connecticut. He lives in Seymour, Conn. where he has spent the last 10 years coaching. You can buy your copy of The Fat Lady Never Sings here. If you don't? Your penis might fall off.

1. Steve, take us through a typical day of writing, if such a thing exists.

I haven’t had a typical day of writing yet. The first draft of The Fat Lady Never Sings was written on nights and weekends and whenever else I could sneak time in at my office computer or my laptop. My numerous rewrites post a professional critique, a professional full edit and a professional proofread were done during lunchtime at a local Subway restaurant (which resulted in my clothes usually reeking of baked hearty Italian or parmesan oregano bread), and at home at night on my laptop. I made great use of thumb drives. Sometimes, I had pulled an Al Bundy and retreated to the bathroom to review and rewrite draft pages clipped to a cheap clipboard.

Most of my writing about the book (including the blog tour I’m currently on), as well creation and development of the book’s website and my MySpace account, is done either at night or on weekends unless I can sneak a few minutes in during the day.

2. You're a high school baseball coach and also an author. How do you juggle the two?

You mean, how do I juggle all three? I am also a lawyer with a solo practice.

During baseball season, my life’s really imbalanced. Before the spring season starts, I try the best I can to maneuver my law schedule to have mostly early day and night appointments and Court matters after the spring season ends. During the spring season, I get up, go to my office, work my tail off. At about 1:45 p.m. I change out of my suit as fast as I can, put on sweats and sneaks and my baseball cap (unless it’s a game day where I throw on the uniform), jump in my car and head out for our field or our opponent’s field. If I’m not late, I’m sometimes lucky enough to stop for some coffee or bottles of Snapple and some Bazooka Joe or Big League Chew to get me through wacking fly balls, ground balls and pitching batting practice. After practice or a game, I drive back to the office where I meet my wife and then we go out for dinner, followed by my return to the office to work or meet clients. Sometime around midnight I finally go home and watch Yes Channel reruns.

If I’m lucky enough to not have any work to catch up on and my wife doesn’t either (she’s the Executive Director of a local YMCA) we also take in a movie. I’ve been lucky to have a very supportive wife. It may sound strange, but although its hectic during a baseball season, I actually relax more. During the games or practice, I’m able to concentrate on what’s happening and not worry about the stress of practicing law. The diamond never changes. That’s one of the great things about baseball, it’s timeless.

3. What was the process like, not only writing a book, but publishing, marketing, etc. Tell us about the entire process.

After I decided to write the book, I mulled over an outline for a few weeks. At the same time, I starting reading every book and magazine I could get my hand on about writing. The book On Writing Well by William Zinsser was probably the first. Its one of the classic guides on writing non-fiction. It has a chapter in it about sports writing. Almost every issue of Writers Digest and The Writer has something helpful in it. I also downloaded Nick Daws e-book Write Any Book In Under 28 Days; it was helpful. Take a look at his synopsis of the e-book here and you’ll see what I mean. ( No, I’m not a reseller). I played with the outline trying to see how the story might sound from different starting points and different points of view. One weekend, my wife had to go to a YMCA conference in Albany so I decided it was a good time as any to start the book. Once I started, I couldn’t stop.

It took me about six to seven weeks to write the first draft. I sent the manuscript to a professional editor in Washington state and asked him to critique it. After I got back his critique, I asked him to give me a more in-depth critique which goes chapter by chapter. It was then that I learned the difference between a critique, a full edit and a line by line proofread. (Industry lingo, which if I had fully understood before jumping into publishing might have saved me some cash). My editor was very adept at not discouraging me while at the same time offering very insightful as well as constructive criticism. Critiques and edits can take months to complete. I had three goals for the book. The first was to get the book out by the 15th anniversary of the season I was writing about. The second, was to get the book out before I turned 50 (just a life goal I guess) and the third was to get the book published before the World Series began last year because I felt that once the World Series was over, no one was going to care about baseball anymore and the launch of the book would most likely have to be delayed. Fortunately, my editor was not insulted by a cash offer to complete his full critique faster.

While I was awaiting for the full critique, I started reading everything I could about the publishing field and its inherent delays as well as other options. I decided -- after having it critiqued by the first editor -- to publish it through iUniverse, where, after an additional full edit, a professional proofread and some prodding by myself to have the book out before the World Series, it came out on October 2, 2006. After that, it ended up being an Editor’s Choice, Reader’s Choice and Publisher’s Choice Book of iUniverse and was a finalist in pubinsider.com’s 2006 Indie Excellence book contest.

As for the marketing aspect, I think the biggest challenge any author faces is to get someone to actually buy their book. People will read my book, tell me they love it, but then tell me they got it from somebody else and are passing it on to someone else. I think people love to read books; stories are what life is all about. They just don’t want to pay for them. You know what I’m talking about. Go into any Barnes and Noble or Borders any day of the week and its like a library with benefits. You can talk all you want and sit and read, at least until the store starts to experiment and slowly pull away the chairs without any music to see how it affects sales.

I’m just as guilty. I went to a Barnes and Noble last night and thumbed through about ten magazines and about ten books, (after checking my book out -- I just can’t help it) but at least I bought two magazines albeit with my wife’s discount card.

What most people don’t realize is that unless your somebody like John Grisham, or a celebrity, the marketing is mostly done by the author. Whether or not your book sells is up to you. It won’t sell itself. So after reading several books on book marketing ( the best is John Kramer’s book 1001 Ways to Market Your Book), I started on a campaign to get book reviews posted on Amazon.com, online interviews and radio and Internet radio interviews and advertised on a great Connecticut Internet sports radio site: www.SportingnewsCt.com where this past summer I was a commentator for them on broadcasts of American legion baseball games. I created a web site www.TheFatLadyNeverSings.com through a company called www.Inspiredtype.com and also created a MySpace site.

I had book discussions at the public and a private library in Derby where I was able to have many of the characters of the book show up and converse with readers and also gave talks at Derby High. I contacted the local Rotary Clubs and they were very receptive to allowing me to speak and get a free lunch. I consigned the book at a local Sports store (mentioned in the book), a hospital gift shop, a train station coffee shop, a local newspaper stop (mentioned in the book), and a Hallmark card shop. I sent an advance copy of the book to a local newspaper who ran a column about it and helped publicize my speaking engagements.

In addition, since iUniverse has an affiliation with Barnes and Noble, I was able to get the book into three local Barnes and Noble stores. I also had bookmarks professionally printed up which I left at libraries and printed up postcards myself and sent them out to everybody I thought might be interested in the book. I also printed up business cards for the book which I passed out and put into my bills payment envelopes and stuck them on every info board I could find in the surrounding area.

I purchased a giant baseball glove from a company called Akadema (it’s the same company that produces Manny Ramirez’s glove) and I use it as a prop at all my events. It’s an instant conversation piece to lead into the subject of the book. I just got back from “The Big E,” the largest fair in New England. I was one of the featured authors in the Connecticut Author’s and Publisher’s bookstore in the Connecticut Building. I met hundreds of people, many of whom loved baseball, pitched my book, allowed many of them or their kids to have a picture taken with the gigantic Akadema glove, talked to them about how Jason Giambi of the Yankees could use it or how the Red Sox catcher could snag Tim Wakefield’s knuckleball easier with it, but...in five hours only sold four books. To sell those four books was a challenge.

From everything I’ve read and learned about writing and publishing, it seems as if the secret is to get the book published in New York but market it in Hollywood. If you can get a celebrity to endorse it, any celebrity, even My Life on the D-list Kathy Griffin, I believe your book will outsell over ninety percent of them out there.

4. Why write The Fat Lady Never Sings nearly 15 years after that remarkable 1992 season?

I always thought the story of the team should be told. I think all of us have unique experiences we want to share and say to ourselves “I should write a book.” After fourteen years of thinking about these remarkable young men and their coaches and what they went through, I decided to do write the book and try to get it published before the season’s 15th anniversary. (Also before I turned 50).

5. Ever check out sports blogs and websites? If so, which ones? If you don't, why not?

Sure. Who doesn’t? I regularly review all kinds of sports websites, but the ones I save as favored sites are about high school or college sports such as sportingnewsct.com, www.maxpreps.com, baseballamerica.com , or about baseball or teaching baseball such as Beabetterhitter.com, pitching.com, baseballstrength.com, batspeed.com, webball.com, theathleticpitcher.com and a host of others I use to keep me updated about what other baseball coaches are doing or thinking or find new drills.

Some of my favorite baseball blogs are http://frommersports.blogspot.com , baseballblogs.org, Baseballmusings.com, http://www.thecompletepitcher.blogs.com/ I just added yours to the list. (I’m not a Red Sox fan either and I like your polls).

6. What was the hardest part about the writing process?

The editing process by far. Sometimes it felt as if I was dragging my feet in a desert without a compass or a hat. It sucks the life out of you. Each time I looked at all the red lining, arrows and highlighted areas of a draft, it was just a mirage. The end was never really near. But every once in a while, I’d see a new sentence that I created and think, hey that sounds pretty good.

Early on in the process, whenever I sent a draft, I would hear back, “you need more dialogue, you’ve got to have more dialogue.” I felt like I was listening to Christopher Walken on Saturday Night Live. “More cowbell, Steve, more cowbell!”

During my editing process, James Frey’s memoir A Million Little Pieces got trashed when it was discovered he exaggerated some of the events he wrote about. It forced me to do a lot of thinking and research about what actually transpired back in 1991/1992 so that my book was as accurate as I could possibly make it. I can see where Frey probably got tempted and may have convinced himself he wasn’t doing anything wrong. He might have been hearing a similar voice telling him, More cowbell Jim, it needs more cowbell.

7. If you could go back and change one thing about the book, what would it be, if anything?

I would have started on a cover concept earlier as that aspect took more time than I thought it would. Unless a cover designer has read your book, it took me more time than expected to get across the book’s concept. For example, the first cover submitted to me contained a rather large football helmet on it. Although my book does have a football aspect to it, the predominant story concerns a baseball team. The concept of putting a football on a baseball field’s homeplate was suggested to me by a separate cover designer. But due to my own self-imposed time constraints, I took a picture myself and after it was changed a bit, it was used for the cover. If I had more time, I think I would have a professional photographer also help with the cover.

8. You're on a deserted island with three famous people, dead or alive. Who are they?

I assume you meant to ask about anyone other than Jesus Christ. I wouldn’t have anything to worry about if he was there with me.

Otherwise, you know this question is a mindfield for any happily married man. Depending on who I name, I think I could end up on a deserted island alone so I’m going to avoid naming any actresses from Son of the Beach or The Girls Next Door or any models or singers either dead or alive. You guys are probably going to rank on me for this answer but a man's gotta do what a man's gotta do. Not Gilligan because he’d do something stupid and I’d never be able to leave the island. Myself and the third person would vote him off. Perhaps Tom Hanks as he figured out a way to get off a deserted island with a volleyball and Abraham Lincoln as he was as wise and persistent as any famous person and I could talk to him about law; he could also chop wood for the raft.

Big Picture Categories: Johnsons in the NFL

King's Cup might be the best drinking game out there. Everyone has their own version, there's ample drinking and sometimes -- on a few lucky occasions -- hot chicks end up naked. One of the best "games" in King's Cup is Categories, which often is represented by the Jack card. In Categories, the person who draws the card says a category (fast food joints, baseball stadiums, etc.) and everyone must go around the circle naming one until somebody stumbles. When that person fucks up, they drink. Make sense? Good.

The NFL is littered with players whose last name is Johnson. Go up and down every roster and if you don't come across at least one Johnson, you're probably looking in the wrong place. And speaking of Johnson, remember the Big Johnson t-shirt line. Good shit, friends. Good shit.

Honoring Big Johnson tees and professional football, today's category is naming those NFL players whose last name is Johnson. We'll start and you guys continue in the comments. You can go again after every five comments. First person to mess up will be thrown in a dark alley with the man pictured.

We'll start things up with our boy from U-Dub: Tank Johnson.

All right, football fans. Prove you know your nameology in the comments.

Where was the Happy Ending?

Getting haircuts are awesome. We feel 900 times sexier when our hair is short, neat and clean. When we're freshly groomed, we know we could totally bag Carmen or Stokke or Archuleta's boo boo. But due to budget restraints, we get lined up about every five weeks, rather than the every two weeks we'd prefer.

The place we go is close to UW, so it's usually filled with students. But the people cutting hair are not students. No, no, no. They're these young-ish Japanese women whose English is a three out of 10 and hair-cutting skills aren't much better.

But it's cheap. Cheap is good. We're paying for the use of fucking scissors and clippers. We once got a $30 haircut and expected a New York steak and glass of Merlot when we were done. Didn't happen.

This place is about $15 and they even include a wash. That's huge. Having some one else wash your hair is fucking ecstasy. Why people pay good money to get a massage is crazy. Just have some one wash your hair. Talk about relaxing.

OK. After the hair cut, the woman -- maybe 30ish -- walks us back to wash our hair. It's awesome. All soothing and shit with the smell of peaches and sunflowers in the air.

When the wash was done, the hair cutter gave us the eye. We returned it. We were both thinking the same thing.

Her: You know what $20 more will get you, right?
Us: Price does not matter.

It all was about to go down, but some one else entered the shop and the masseuse barber thought better of it. And that was that.

Let's just say the tip was minimal.

Yi Jianlian would totally hit it

This, apparently, is the largest woman in the world. She's 7-foot-4, 320 pounds and lives in Holland. Who knew the Dutch liked their hookers so big?

WNBA, sweetheart. Take your game (game?) to the WNBA.