The SI Swimsuit Issue: not really very good at all unless you like stuff that isn't very good at all

All this talk about the release of the 2009 SI Swimsuit Issue is sorta pissing me off. I love Sports Illustrated. Have saved nearly every cover over the last five years. Good writers, good stories, good pictures.

Yet the Swimsuit Issue is bullshit, for three main reasons:

1. The bikinis aren't revealing
2. The women are waaaaay overrated
3. The women are waaaaay overrated

Don't get me wrong -- I would do Bar Rafaeli. I might even be excited about it. But much like why I'm not that into Gisele, most "super" models are super skinny, super flat and super natural (but not in an E.T. kinda way but in a my-tits-aren't-really-big-or-well-shaped kind of way).

Many unknown bikini and "web" models are a million times more bangable than any girl in SI's magazine. Check out this site (skimpy bikinis -- OK for work if you work ONLY at a strip club, porn shop or elementary school) and you'll find a gallery full of babes you'd rather masturbate to.

Love the Swimsuit Issue because it's a connection to sports? You know what else is a connection to sports? This little URL called Big Tits in Sports.(I won't link to it because if you're not blocked at work, you're screwed and if you are blocked at work, you'll get this message: "Blocked due to adult content: cock in ass.")

Danica Patrick in a bikini is fine. NBA cheerleaders are hot. Supermodels in body paint almost create a boner. But people are giddy about this issue. Instead, open Firefox and type in "bikini." Surely something sexier and more boner-popping than the SI Swimsuit Issue will pop up. (Get it?! Pop up!!!)

Kyle Orton goes to Kyle Borton...

Perhaps the funniest thing we ever heard was a game created by a friend called "Six Degrees of Boner."

It'd work like this: Zach goes to Bach goes to Boch goes to Bonh goes to Boner.

It's so funny because it makes little sense and you're trying to get to the word boner, which is inherently hilarious.

But really, that sort of game is necessary when talking about Kyle Orton. He turns women into sex slaves, men into jealous lovers and dogs into...well...makes a dog's red rocket appear.

If there's anything sexier than Kyle Orton on this planet, we'd be hard pressed to find it. He's a symbol of anything and everything sex related.

Meanwhile, Grossman goes to Bossman goes to Bonnman goes to Bonnerman goes to Boner.

(Kyle Orton was named the starting quarterback of the Bears Monday, which in no way is relevant to this post).

The Beckhams are getting provocative

This isn't exactly something a sports blog should be picking up on, but a soccer player is in a magazine taking some spicy photos with his wife. We said he's a soccer player. And SI totally tipped us off about it, so that's justification right there.

Anyway, some magazine called W has pictures (and maybe an article) of the Beckhams...

...preparing for oral sex...

...preparing for backside sex...

...and looking for some cigarettes after sex.


From the SI.com article about the sultry photo shoot:

"I think people are really going to see me for the first time," Victoria Beckham tells the magazine. "I think they have this impression that I'm this miserable cow who doesn't smile. But I'm actually quite the opposite."

The opposite being one who's a freak-a-leak in bed! If you ever wondered what the Beckham's sex life was like, well, now ya know.

In other news: The Oklahoma Sooners were put on probation for "failure to monitor" the employment of the players and cannot acknowledge that 2005 ever existed.