Most mornings, we'll lead off the day with some AM headlines -- but not your traditional ones. Rather we'll focus on one game or story and write headlines that are completely inconsequential and insignificant to the outcome of the game. We'll give a few examples and then you'll play in the comments. Best headline (read: the one that makes us laugh the hardest) will get a shoutout in this space the next day. We'll provide the box score for the game as that can lend itself to plenty of content. Let's have some fun. The more insignificant, the better!
Certainly not the game. Manning goes out in the first round again. Sproles to the rescue. Norv Turner somehow does something right. Blah, blah, blah.
But we loved the gratuitous cheerleader shots!
Those cheerleaders...holy cow! Is each one a DD? Many have the fakies! We love the fakies! They'd look so much better with a dollar bill between that cleavage, though.
Unwatchable offense, but damn is that Ravens defense fun. Swarming, hard-hitting and brutal. And those all-black jerseys are so tight.
If there's any team that can rely on its defense to make a big play(s) and overcome for a below-average offense, it's the Baltimore Ravens.
We've heard this before, right? Like during the 2000 season. The Ravens rode that stellar defense to a Super Bowl title.
And this season's defense is nearly as strong. A comparison, if you will:
2000 Ravens (20 games)
Average points per game allowed: 8.25 Shutouts: 4 Forced turnovers: 50 Defensive TDs: 2 Sacks: 35
2008 Ravens (17 games)
Average points per game allowed: 13.8 Shutouts: 0 Forced turnovers: 39 Defensive TDs: 7 Sacks: 34
With the NFL playoffs seemingly more wide open than they've been in years, can Baltimore make it back to the Super Bowl? A Super Bowl, which, coincidentally, is in Tampa -- site of the Ravens' last win. Over the Giants.
After years in the shadows, Darren Sproles -- all 5-foot-6 of him (he's shorter than us, FYI. And slower. We run faster than light. We also once won a race of little-to-no significance.) -- stepped into the limelight in San Diego's OT win over Indy Saturday.
Question now: where will the free agent end up? The San Diego Union-Tribune's Tim Sullivan says the Chargers better re-sign him. But will San Diego spend what should be pretty big money for LT's backup?
Other possibilities?
Detroit could use help, well, everywhere. How many good years does Portis have left in Washington? Tampa's backs have been injury plagued of late. Seattle was unable to find an adequate replacement for Shaun Alexander. Denver? Cleveland? Cincy?
Unless he ends up back in San Diego, which would be a shame for fantasy football players, Sproles has gotta be an early pick in drafts next season, right? Look what Michael Turner did this season as the featured back in Atlanta. No reason to think Sproles wouldn't do the same.
And he's so small and cute. You could just scoop him up and take him home in your purse.
Most mornings, we'll lead off the day with some AM headlines -- but not your traditional ones. Rather we'll focus on one game or story and write headlines that are completely inconsequential and insignificant to the outcome of the game. We'll give a few examples and then you'll play in the comments. Best headline (read: the one that makes us laugh the hardest) will get a shoutout in this space the next day. We'll provide the box score for the game as that can lend itself to plenty of content. Let's have some fun. The more insignificant, the better!
Norv Turner couldn't manage to get himself fired in the regular season, though he sure tried hard. But maybe we've spoken too soon. If the Chargers get tea-bagged by the Colts this weekend, maybe Norv will be walking the unemployment line...
...Or he'll head back to the Niners as the offensive coordinator because Mike Martz was informed of his annual firing Tuesday! THAT WOULD BE AWESOME!
NORV! We love you, man! (Not really. Bad coach. Really. Just terrible).
A player with English minor league club Chippenham Town has set a record for the fastest-red card in senior soccer when he was sent off for a wild tackle three seconds after kickoff, British media reported on Monday.
Striker David Pratt, 21, was dismissed in a Southern Premier League game against Bashley on Saturday.
The previous fastest sending-off is generally accepted to be 10 seconds for Bologna’s Giuseppe Lorenzo after he struck an opponent in a 1990 Italian league game.
Three seconds! That's fast. The girls to the right wouldn't like that. Hey-o!
Guess three's not a charm. No three's company. Three blind mi...
Most mornings, we'll lead off the day with some AM headlines -- but not your traditional ones. Rather we'll focus on one game or story and write headlines that are completely inconsequential and insignificant to the outcome of the game. We'll give a few examples and then you'll play in the comments. Best headline (read: the one that makes us laugh the hardest) will get a shoutout in this space the next day. We'll provide the box score for the game as that can lend itself to plenty of content. Let's have some fun. The more insignificant, the better!
Josh Beckett has never bloodied a sock, yet has likely muddied his undies. In this case, it was probably neither, but he decided to have his underwear yanked from eBay for other reasons.
Yankees star Alex Rodriguez's underwear brought a whopping $420 on eBay, while Red Sox stud Kevin Youkilis ' sold for a mere $305. As we told you earlier this month, Phil Castinetti of SportsWorld in Saugus put game-used unmentionables from A-Rod, Youk and Red Sox hurler Josh Beckett up for sale on the popular auction site. However, eBay had them removed once - saying Phil couldn't sell unlaundered undies - and Beckett had his agent call SportsWorld and demand that they cease and desist with his jockey shorts sale! "Josh saw it on ESPN and made a big stink," Castinetti told the Track. "But we sold the rest of the stuff."
Big stink is right. Have you ever smelled shit that wasn't dropped in a toilet? Fucking awful? We once saw a kid shit himself at the waterslide park and it was without doubt the worst thing we've ever smelled. We nearly vomited and shat at the same time, which we suppose would be a good thing for someone who's bulimic.
This non-news story, via the awesome Ben Maller, was from The Boston Herald. But we're not going to link to it because it's written by a third-grader with a mental disability. Like, seriously, what the fuck?! USE A NUT GRAF YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE! A bulimic dog with a mosquito's brain could've written that paragraph better.
All sorts of flaws with that headline. The Lions, for instance, can't play in college because they play in the NFL, and we don't recall a pro team ever playing a college team, even though that'd be majorly awesome. And if they were to play in the NCAA, they'd probably be in the Big 10. Or the MAC. (C-USA?)
But for argument's sake, if the Lions were to play in the SEC, usually the best conference in college football, they'd just fucking destroy it. They'd win every game by 50. Wouldn't even be competitive. Dan Orlovsky would light up the Georgia secondary for 600 yards. Kevin Smith would run over Tennessee for 350. Before the game, Ernie Sims would remind Teboner that his first name is Tim, 'cause he might not remember it after getting a concussion in the second quarter.
For how bad Detroit was this year (though they didn't seem sobad that they'd lose every freakin' game), they're still a team of college all-stars. Just like every NFL team. Turned out their all-stars weren't as good as every other team's all-stars and their coaching probably had some serious issues. A good gameplan can win a football game. Coaches develop the gameplan. Detroit didn't win a single football game this year. Therefore, Detroit did not have a good gameplan and thus had bad coaching. That's like a mathematical proof applied to football.
Most mornings, we'll lead off the day with some AM headlines -- but not your traditional ones. Rather we'll focus on one game or story and write headlines that are completely inconsequential and insignificant to the outcome of the game. We'll give a few examples and then you'll play in the comments. Best headline (read: the one that makes us laugh the hardest) will get a shoutout in this space the next day. We'll provide the box score for the game as that can lend itself to plenty of content. Let's have some fun. The more insignificant, the better!
One of the worst ways to spend a day off? Go to the dentist.
There's a reason why dentists have a higher-than-normal suicide rate: they spend an entire day in someone's mouth and NOBODY FUCKING LIKES THEM.
Dentists are much like Meter Maids or Auditors -- they're always the fucking bad guy. Have you ever met someone who's like, "Ooh, I get to go to the dentist today! I'm going to bring them some peanut brittle and holiday wishes."
My dentist and dental hygienist are fine people. Nice, kind-spirited and great at small talk. But all my dentist and hygienist does is cause me pain.
Hygienist: I'm getting some bleeding. Me: Really? Maybe it's because YOU'RE POKING ME WITH A SHARP FUCKING OBJECT!
I swallowed so much blood yesterday, I got a little weak. But when they give you that air tube to suck on, I fucking go after it the way a pornstar -- like the one above -- goes after a cock. Air has never been so satisfying. And when they swish a little water in there, I fucking lose it.
Of course they charge you an arm and leg for a trip, too. I coughed up nearly $300 dollars to get my gums violated with a dangerous weapon. And then the dentist looked at me for like 30 seconds:
Dentist: Are you taking any medication? Me: No. Dentist: Are you experiencing any pain? Me: Aside from my gums feeling like they just went through a blender, no. Dentist: All right, you're good to go.
That interaction cost 58 dollars.
The next thing you know, you're gonna have to start tipping. That'll be the day.
On the bright side, I got a new toothbrush. It's blue.
We don't watch a lot of weekday daytime TV, and when we do it's usually not the SciFi channel. But yesterday the network gave us the gift of a three-hour "Lost" marathon which we would've been fools to pass up. We didn't, but with nothing to turn to at the breaks, we found ourselves sitting through the commercials. More like infomercials, including this gem below.
Please take a look at this. This is not a "Saturday Night Live" skit. This is a real product.
So go out and get a Snuggie! The blanket with sleeves! One size fits all! Get a book light free! Only one easy payment of $19.95! It's all you need for your next cult meeting! Snuggie! Snuggie! Snuggie!
We never like to underestimate the importance of a team peaking late in the season. You see it every year: A team that needs to win games down the stretch just to reach the playoffs, and then goes on to win the title. Get hot at the right time and it can translate into postseason success.
So it’s hard to imagine a bigger playoff threat in the NFL this year than the high-flying Arizona Cardinals of the NFC West. The team has hit its stride.
After a slow start against the Patriots yesterday, the Cards rallied late behind Matt Leinart to close the gap to 40 with 6:17 to play. They lost 47-7, but the game was much closer than the score would indicate. Had it not been for a few key calls, it would've been a win.
Arizona has now lost four of five, three of them by 21 points or more. The division is clinched, the four-seed locked up and Kurt Warner is in MVP form. This is your NFC representative in the Super Bowl, people. No real need to go on with the games.
Most mornings, we'll lead off the day with some AM headlines -- but not your traditional ones. Rather we'll focus on one game or story and write headlines that are completely inconsequential and insignificant to the outcome of the game. We'll give a few examples and then you'll play in the comments. Best headline (read: the one that makes us laugh the hardest) will get a shoutout in this space the next day. We'll provide the box score for the game as that can lend itself to plenty of content. Let's have some fun. The more insignificant, the better!
[Editor's note: This will be a regular Friday feature at PlayboyU. It's molded after BDD's Jamboroo.]
Another regular season in the books and it was as good as any. Upsets, big plays, memorable collapses...
We saw the re-emergence of traditional powers with Alabama and Penn State.
We saw the decline of other traditional powers; Tennessee, Auburn, Clemson.
We saw the conference power shift from the SEC to the Big 12 (especially the South division).
We saw Erin Andrews just about every Thursday night. Thanks, ESPN.
We saw that the Big East and ACC shouldn't get an automatic BCS berth.
We saw that the Mountain West is among the nation's best conferences.
We saw parity in the ACC and Pac-10 (sans USC).
College football is so unique in that every week can be life or death. The set-up of the regular season -- and lack of a playoff -- makes the college football regular season far and away the best in all of sports.
Of course the reason that the regular season is so good is because the postseason is so bad. Every year there's tremendous excitement entering the final week of the season, and once the bowl match ups are in place, people seem to lose interest.
The regular season would still be good if there was an eight- (or even 12-) team playoff. Those teams fighting for seeding or the right to get in would make for unbelievable drama. And hell, what if in the first round of the playoff, the top seeds either got a bye or a home game? Tell me that wouldn't give the regular season significant meaning.
That's just the way it is though. We all love college football and then we get to this time of year and we've sort of moved on -- like you just got dumped by your girlfriend who was way out of your league, but you have a potential rebound (in this case, the NFL playoffs) waiting in the wings.
I'm already in withdrawal. Last weekend, the first Saturday without college football since August, I found myself at Crate and Barrel. You know who goes to Crate and Barrel? People without penises or people so fucking bored that it seems like a decent alternative to staring at a blank screen. My choices were NBA action, bad college hoops games or Christmas movies. This is what my weekends are coming too. Come February, I'll find myself at the Pottery Barn every Saturday. FUCK ME!
If I had to rate the 2008 season on a scale from 1-10, I'd probably go with a 7. It was solid, fun and kept me unproductive on Saturdays for about three months. Though, there wasn't a ton of controversy outside of the Oklahoma-Texas mess, and all in all, not a ton of star-power outside of some prolific passers.
It was a good year, one that deserves a few awards to reflect on the 2008 season:
Best Game: Texas Tech 39, Texas 33 on Nov. 1.
A catch by Michael Crabtree changed the complete landscape of the National Championship picture.
PUSH HIM OUT OF BOUNDS, TEXAS! If the Longhorns win that game, they're in the National Championship -- not OU -- and Colt McCoy is probably your Heisman winner. In college football, one play is all it takes to completely fuck up a season.
Honorable Mention: Utah 31, Oregon State 28, Oct. 2.
Just Week 6 of the season, Utah scored 11 points in the final 1:29 to stun the Beavers and stay undefeated.
BULLSEYE!
A game few remember, but this dramatically influenced the BCS picture. If Oregon State doesn't collapse, Boise State is in the Sugar Bowl and Utah is long forgotten. Oregonians are no longer welcomed in the state of Idaho or allowed to eat potatoes.
Best Player: Colt McCoy.
Not by much. But unbelievable numbers, a mediocre-to-bad running game and the lack of one defensive lapse (see above) would have made McCoy the talk of the coming weeks, not Sam Bradford or Tim Tebow.
Best Broadcast Team: CBS' SEC team of Verne Lundquist, Gary Danielson and The Wolf(son). I talk about them just about every week, but when Verne and Gary are in the booth, it's like they're dancing up there. And Wolfson's a total MILF.
Biggest Joke: Football in the state of Washington. Two combined wins and two programs in the gutter. Yikes!
Biggest Disappointment: Arizona State. Most preseason polls had the Sun Devils ranked in the top 15, but a six-game skid in the middle of the season prevented ASU from even making a bowl. And where the fuck did the offense go?
Biggest Failure: Tennessee and Clemson. Two disappointing seasons, two fired coaches, two unhappy fanbases. The rebuilding process starts now.
Biggest Upset: Had Troy not blown a 31-3 3rd-quarter lead at LSU on Nov. 15, I would've given the nod to the Trojans.
But another Trojans are on the short end of this ugly stick. When Oregon State knocked off USC on Sept. 25, it ruined just about any legitimate shot the Trojans had at the National Championship. A weak Pac-10 bit USC in the ass, and while many thought USC could beat anyone, anywhere, anytime, the Trojans' one early-season blemish was too much to overcome.
Biggest Surprise: Utah and Alabama. Utah went from unranked in the preseason to the Sugar Bowl. Alabama brutalized Clemson in the season opener, setting the tone for the entire season. Now they're in the Sugar Bowl. Against Utah. Hey! Utah and Alabama are playing in the Sugar Bowl!
Who else is playing in the bowl games? Take a looksy...
Games broken down on a one-to-four-bunny scale:
Four bunnies means: "Do not go out. Do not have sex. Do not watch House re-runs. Turn the fucking channel to this game and watch it."
Three bunnies means: "Do not go out. Do not watch House re-runs. If sex is an option, absolutely do not turn it down. Do it twice. But unless you're knockin' boots, watch these games." Two bunnies means: Eh, if it's pissing rain and your girlfriend is shopping, it's not a bad option.
One bunny means: You've never touched a girl. You're allergic to the sun. Porn doesn't do it for you. You wanna prove that you can, in fact, sit on your ass and watch college football for 12 hours.
Champions are crowned on Saturdays. All times Eastern.
National Championship, No. 1 Oklahoma vs. No. 2 Florida, Jan. 8, 8 p.m., FOX: Well, this is the last meaningful game of the season and, really, the only meaningful game of the bowl season.
What more can we say? No. 1 vs. No. 2. and it should be a doozy. DeMarco Murray's out for OU which seems like kind of a big deal, but frankly, I don't think it'll matter. Florida's the best team in the country, everyone knows it and everyone will see it Jan. 8. I'd like to think we'll have a Texas-USC-like championship game, but I'm afraid it will be more Florida-Ohio State-style. Florida 41, Oklahoma 30.
Rose Bowl, No. 5 USC vs. No. 8 Penn State, Jan. 1, 4:30 p.m., ABC: The best way to put up points on USC? Ask your defense to score a touchdown. USC 35, Penn State 10.
Sugar Bowl, No. 4 Alabama vs. No. 6 Utah, Jan. 2, 8 p.m., FOX: Hey, this game's on my birthday! No better way to prepare for the festivities than to get loaded and watch the Sugar Bowl. (By the way, I'm still amazed that John Parker Wilson is a quarterback for a BCS team and that he doesn't wear a Polo with a popped collar under his shoulder pads.) 'Bama 31, Utah 21.
Poinsettia Bowl, No. 9 Boise State vs. No. 11 TCU, Dec. 23, 8 p.m., ESPN: A shame that these teams are playing in a bowl game this early and that's named after a flower that nobody's really heard of. Think of this game as the neglected child of the BCS.
In a year where the Mountain West was as good as any "major" conference and when Boise State -- two years removed from a BCS win in the best ending to a game we've ever seen -- goes undefeated, it's too bad the winner gets "Poinsettia Bowl champs" bragging rights. Boise State 38, TCU 35.
Capital One Bowl, No. 15 Georgia vs. No. 18 Michigan State, Jan. 1, 1 p.m., ABC: I know the "facts" will "disagree" with me, but Georgia has been to the Capital One Bowl eight years in a row. Georgia 21, Michigan State 17.
Holiday Bowl, No. 13 Oklahoma State vs. No. 17 Oregon, Dec. 30, 8 p.m., ESPN: Maybe it's because it's called the Holiday Bowl and holidays are supposed to be fun, but this game is fucking entertaining as hell every year. Maybe it's because the Big 12 and Pac-10 don't play a lot of defense. People love points just as much as pussy. Oregon 49, Oklahoma State 45. Cotton Bowl, No. 7 Texas Tech vs. N0. 25 Ole Miss, Jan. 2, 2 p.m., FOX: Question of the year: How the hell did Ole Miss beat Florida? Texas Tech 38, Ole Miss 30.
Orange Bowl, No. 12 Cincinnati vs. No. 19 Virginia Tech, Jan. 1, 8:30 p.m., FOX:I'm boycotting this game. Who's with me?. Virginia Tech 14, Cincy 10.
Sun Bowl, No. 20 Pitt vs. Oregon State, Dec. 31, 2 p.m., CBS. Alamo Bowl, No. 21 Missouri vs. No. 23 Northwestern, Dec. 29, 8 p.m., ESPN. Las Vegas Bowl, No. 16 BYU vs. Arizona, Dec. 20, 8 p.m., ESPN. Chick-Fil-A Peach Bowl, No. 14 Georgia Tech vs. LSU, Dec. 31, 7:30 p.m., ESPN.
Outback Bowl, South Carolina vs. Iowa, Jan. 1, 11 a.m., ESPN: This game is usually really watchable. And it's awful. FUCK!. South Carolina 31, Iowa 17.
Gator Bowl, Nebraska vs. Clemson, Jan. 1, 1 p.m., CBS: See Outback Bowl. Clemson 12, Nebraska 10.
GMAC Bowl, No. 22 Ball State vs. Tulsa, Jan. 6, 8 p.m., ESPN. Champs Sports Bowl, Wisconsin vs. Florida State, Dec. 27, 4:30 p.m., ESPN. Meineke Car Care Bowl, West Virginia vs. North Carolina, Dec. 27, 1 p.m. ESPN.
1.5 oz BACARDI Rum 12 fresh mint leaves 1/2 lime 7 oz club soda 2 tbsp. simple syrup (or 4 tsp. sugar)
Gently crush mint leaves and lightly squeeze lime in a cool tall glass. Pour sweet syrup to cover and fill glass with ice. Add Bacardi Rum, club soda, and stir well. Garnish with a lime wedge and a few sprigs of mint.
This is not a gay drink. Brian from Family Guy will tell you.
See. Not a gay drink.
Lou Holtz Pep-Talk Quote:
"Auj29iu@!9-0DC0-x3ojk-,;,2S" (You have to make plays on both sides of the ball).
Bet It Hard:
The game you should bet your paycheck on. Texas Tech (-5.5) over Ole Miss in the Cotton Bowl. Fuck. Couldn't Washington State have made a bowl? That would've made things easier.
No gimmee picks this bowl season, but with the Red Raiders just a 5.5 favorite, I'd put money on TTU. Tech scores enough points that even against a decent SEC defense, the Red Raiders should be able to cover -- likely with room to spare.
2008 Bet It Hard Record: 6-3.
Pac-10 Player That I Want to Hang With a Fucking Jump Rope:
I think I've gone through every player on my Pac-10 fantasy team as well as others that either directly or indirectly fucked my team with a gardening hoe.
So, let's talk about coaches this week.
Of course Ty Willingham is fucking dead to me -- thanks for turning my alma mater into a national laughing stock, you fucking asshole.
But Dennis Erickson should be right up there for Shitty Coach of the Year in the Pac-10. Erickson took a top-15 team and turned them into a joke. ASU brought back stud QB Rudy Carpenter -- the preseason favorite for Pac-10 Offensive Player of the Year -- and solid skill players around him. Yet, ASU's offense was atrocious, being held to under 21 points six times.
Hey, while we're dogging on coaches, let's take time to say a special Pre-Gaming Fuck You to Arizona coach Mike Stoops and Oregon coach Mike Bellotti.
I had 'Cats RB Nic Grigsby and Ducks RB Jeremiah Johnson -- a solid first two picks -- yet Stoops and Bellotti made those picks look mediocre when they starting platooning them. Mike and Mike, go sleep in the middle of a fucking freeway.
And Mike Stoops is a major whiner, too. I hate that. He argues just about everything and looks like he might keel over and die with each call.
Ref: First down, Arizona. Stoops: THAT WAS A HORSESHIT CALL! Ref: You just made a first down. There was no measurement, no call or no judgement whatsoever. The ball was 15 yards past the marker. And you're winning by three touchdowns. Stoops: BULLSHIT!!! THAT WAS A TERRIBLE CALL. AWFUL. JUST AWFUL.
Playboy Babe of the Week:
Erica Chevillar
Holy shit fuck cock bukkake! She's an 11!
This unbelievably hot chick was a friggin' 10th-grade teacher in Florida before leaving to pursue a career in modeling.
Could you imagine her teaching you history? She could tell me that the French Revolution didn't happen in France and I'd believe her.
Google her to find the bikini/glamour photos and see the NSFW Playboy photos here.
College football and Playboy. What could be better? Enjoy the games -- for the last time this season (tear) -- college football fans.
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