People I Want to Kill: Paris Hilton

This is a new feature. It's pretty self-explanatory. If you're in law enforcement, I don't really want to kill people. I would rather someone else do it for me. If you have suggestions or want to guest-write one, email me. If you see your name appear on this feature, hide.

If there is one person on Earth that is dumber than a mentally retarded rock, it's Paris Hilton.

Really, Hilton acts like Barbie on meth. And she looks strung out, too. Paris Hilton is ugly as fuck. If you think otherwise, you're probably on some form of a hallucinogen. She's way too skinny, has a fucked up face and the body of a 12-year-old. On meth.

A police sketch of her might look like this:


Paris Hilton, much like pal Kim Kardashian, has the professional credentials of a piece of bubble gum. Yet, Daddy was rich and bought her fame. Now she struts around, swimming in money, and spending it all at fancy Beverly Hills boutiques while hopped up on uppers, downers and everything in between. Hilton claims she's a model, but unless she's modeling in one of those "Cigarettes will kill you and turn you into Paris Hilton" ads, she is horribly miscast.

Then there's The Simple Life. I have never seen The Simple Life. It's the show where Hilton and her friend Nicole Richie make believe that they aren't autistic. Ever seen The Ring? The Simple Life is kinda like The Ring. If you watch the show, you'll die in seven days.

On the bright side, Hilton is like an educational video. (And she's starred in one, too). When 9th-grade Health teachers are instructing about sexually transmitted diseases, they show pictures of Hilton.

Student: What's that on her lip?
Teacher: That's herpes, Tommy.
Student: Why is she holding her crotch so uncomfortably?
Teacher: Because she just urinated and it felt like she pissed fire.

Yeah, she's got everything imaginable. Like everything. She has STDs that haven't been discovered yet.

She claims that she's like the "it" blonde of this era, whatever the fuck that means. She idolizes Marilyn Monroe, Barbie and pet rocks, because, "They look so real," she says.

Go jump in a hole and try to dig out, you dumb bitch. Think about that one for a while.

Preferred method of death: Envy.