An interview with Tiger Woods

Tiger Woods returned to the golf course Wednesday as he began the Accenture Match Play Championship in Arizona. He had been absent for eight months after having major knee surgery. His ethnicity remains a mystery.

The Big Picture: Thanks for joining us, Mr. Tiger.
Woods: OK.

TBP: Does anyone ever call you Mr. Tiger?
Woods: Not really.

TBP: Do you think if you ever starred in a porno you'd call yourself Tiger Woody?
Woods: No.

TBP: Do you go by Tiger because Eldrick is a fucking weird name?
Woods: No.

TBP: Modern-day medicine, while wonderful, can still be slow. Don't you think it would have been better if they fixed you like they did that guy who was in a liquid tank in Starship Troopers?
Woods: I never saw that movie.

TBP: Were you afraid they were going to botch the surgery?
Woods: Not really.
TBP: What if they did?
Woods: They didn't.

TBP: Did you go to a Jewish hospital?
Woods: Yes.

TBP: Your Wikipedia page says you are one-quarter Chinese, one-quarter Thai, one-quarter African American, one-eighth Native American, and one-eighth Dutch. Don't you think that's a little far-fetched?
Woods: No.

TBP: Do you know Hines Ward?
Woods: No.
TBP: Are you related?
Woods: No.

TBP: Prostitution is a huge industry in Thailand. Was your mother a hooker?
Woods: I was born in California.
TBP: Was your mother a hooker?
Woods: No.

TBP: I would have sex with your wife. Do you think she would have married you if you weren't rich and famous?
Woods: I'd like to think that even if...
TBP: Be honest.
Woods: I am.

TBP: Does Elin like anal?
Woods: That's' none of your business.
TBP: Do you ever role play and dress up as the Hamburglar while she dresses up as Grimace?
Woods: No.

TBP: Are you flattered that men masturbate to pictures of your wife like all the time?
Woods: A little.

TBP: You're a Buddhist. Were you an oppressive dictator in your previous life?
Woods: No.

TBP: On a scale of one to 10, how much do you want to kill Phil Mickelson?
Woods: I don't want to kill him.

TBP: Thanks for joining us, Tiger. Good luck in your return.
Woods: All right.