In other news, Beethoven told to stop composing

By now you've probably seen this story. You know, the one about the 9-year-old pitcher in Connecticut who was told to stop pitching because he was too good (that's him over there). This is ridiculous. What's he supposed to do? Move to another town where the other kids aren't so damn crappy? Maybe these wimps should suck it up and learn to hit some real pitching. Maybe these parents should get over themselves. I got it, tell a bunch of kids that are lousy to stop playing because they're not good enough. Wouldn't that be nice? Idiots.

This just in: I.M. Pei told to stop designing buildings, Ron Jeremy told to stop fucking, and God asked (very politely) to stop being so almighty.

At least I'm not Geremi Gonzalez

Hello Big Picture readers. Allow me to address you directly. I'm having a hard time right now. Ever since I experienced the ultimate high of all highs upon meeting Bobby Hebert, things haven't been so great. The next day I got sick (I think it was food poisoning). Then my summer job tried to low ball me with a shitty salary. Then, as if things weren't bad enough, some asshole broke the window in my car. For the second time.

See this is weird. I live in a pretty nice neighborhood. It's near the university, full of students, and generally pretty safe. But for the second time in two months somebody smashed the very same window in my car -- the right rear door window. What did they take, you ask. Nothing. The first time my digital camera was in the car. The second time a set of golf clubs. Not nice ones or anything, but still. Why do you smash a car window and not take anything? And should I count myself lucky that nothing was stolen or unlucky that someone thinks my car is a glass punching bag? The worst part? That very same window got broken last summer by a total fluke accident when a friend of mine tapped the window with an empty bottle.

So what does this have to do with sports? Well, nothing. But after this happened I was pretty upset, until I realized that when you put things in perspective, getting a broken window isn't that bad. At least I wasn't killed by lightning. So, condolences to the Gonzalez family. And remember kids, there's more to life than car windows.

Couple has 18th child so they can field two full baseball teams

Have you heard of the Duggars? Well if you haven't, here you go. Michelle and Jim Bob (you read that correctly) already have 17 kids, and are expecting No. 18, due on Jan. 1. Why so many kids? It seems clear to us at The Big Picture that they want to be able to field two full baseball teams.

This is the kind of thing you have to do when all your 17 kids are home schooled. Not to mention all of their names start with J, so clearly they're too religious to let the kids have fun.

Of course, it will be about five years until the youngest one is old enough to play ball, and by that time the oldest will be 25 and there will probably be three or four more kids. Maybe we're wrong about baseball and they just want to play some 11 on 11 football. Mom and Dad get to coach. Of course, Mom will probably miss the game because she'll be in labor.

The only question now is, what name will they give the newest addition to the family? We're thinking if it's a boy it should be Jango, for this guy, and if it's a girl? Easy, Jessica! Those are just OUR ideas... let's hear yours in the comments. Or you could go vote for the lame ideas the Discovery Channel has.

Spend your day...and night...and following day with ESPN

Good news, people! If you didn’t have plans for August 29th and 30th, now you do! And hey, you don’t even need to get off the couch.

ESPN's Twenty-Five Hours of College Football Presented by TiVo starts at 7 p.m. ET Aug. 29 and continues until the Tigers-Bulldogs kickoff 25 hours later.

Hard to think of a better way to get ready for College Football 2007, unless, of course, you only watched for, say, an hour and a half.

Luckily, Rece Davis will be your emcee for the evening, and, considering some of the folks on the family of networks these days – we’re talking to you Kirk Jimenez! -- the event seems to be in pretty good hands.

We can’t stay awake for 25 straight hours, so we’ll probably just tune in at 3 a.m. ET to watch the Hawaii team practice live. The Warriors moved their practice just for ESPN, so, really, it’s the least we can do.

-Adam Landres-Schnur