Pre-gaming: Asses are Burning

[Editor's note: This will be a regular Friday feature at PlayboyU. It's molded after BDD's Jamboroo.]

That wonderful graph, which greatly resembles the current state of the economy/stock market/financial situation/housing market/the Washington Huskies' season, is from Chris Mottram at The Sporting Blog, who knew long before I that Clemson's Tommy Bowden was a lame duck.

Bowden, who was canned as Clemson's football coach Monday after nine-plus seasons, eight bowl appearances and zero ACC titles, was great at turning a preseason contender (this year, ranked No. 9 and the favorite to win the ACC) into a middle-of-the-road, 8-4, 7-5 kind of team.

Bowden technically resigned and Tigers AD Terry Don Phillips said, "There wasn't a gun to his head."

However, my guess is that there was a knife to Bowden's throat, his Gatorade was poisoned and he was strapped with explosives. But, yeah, no gun to his head.

Dabo Swinney will be the Tigers interim coach. I wouldn't name a kid Dabo. That's mean. The name couldn't have been good for him when he was in grade school.

Bowden is the first coach at a major program to be fired this season, but some could follow soon and others will exit at season's end.

Other coaches whose asses are on fire include:

Phillip Fulmer, Tennessee
Ty Willingham, Washington
Tommy Tuberville, Auburn
Ty Willingham, Washington
Ty Willingham, Washington
Mike Sherman, Texas A&M
Ty Willingham, Washington
Greg Robinson, Syracuse
Phillip Fulmer, Tennessee
Phillip Fulmer, Tennessee

(Fulmer and Willingham, by the way, are on the hot seat. Thought I should inform you. See a comprehensive list of coaches on the hot seat here).

Whose job will be jeopardized Saturday?

Games broken down on a one-to-four-bunny scale:

Four bunnies means: "Do not go out. Do not have sex. Do not watch House re-runs. Turn the fucking channel to this game and watch it."

Three bunnies means: "Do not go out. Do not watch House re-runs. If sex is an option, absolutely do not turn it down. Do it twice. But unless you're knockin' boots, watch these games."

Two bunnies means: Eh, if it's pissing rain and your girlfriend is shopping, it's not a bad option.

One bunny means: You've never touched a girl. You're allergic to the sun. Porn doesn't do it for you. You wanna prove that you can, in fact, sit on your ass and watch college football for 12 hours.

Game on. All times Eastern.

No. 11 Missouri at No. 1 Texas, 8 p.m., ABC: Texas' schedule is harder than a fresh-faced 18-year-old getting his first lap dance. Jeez. This thing just doesn't ease up. The Missouri team that lost last week to an over-achieving Oklahoma State is not the same Tigers squad we'll see Saturday. Chase Daniel's Heisman chances dropped like the stock market, but he'll be back. Texas, though, is very, very good. But don't ever name a child Colt. That's mean. If they can name a kid Colt, I'm calling a kid Barbaro. Texas 38, Missouri 34.

No. 12 Ohio State at No. 20 Michigan State , 3:30 p.m., ABC: Here's Ohio State's chance to get back in some BCS discussion (Buckeyes will still need to beat Penn State on Oct. 25). Michigan State has been playing very well since a tough season-opening loss at Cal. Javon Ringer is among the country's best running backs and Ohio State, ew, I guess that Pryor kid is exciting. That might be the first time I've ever typed "Ohio State" and "exciting" in the same sentence. Ohio State 20, Michigan State 14.

No. 16 Kansas at No. 4 Oklahoma, 3:30 p.m., ABC. It's like the Big 12 is the new SEC with multiple top-25 matchups every week. Don't think this one will be close, though. Oklahoma 38, Kansas 24.

No. 22 Vanderbilt at No. 10 Georgia, 12:30 p.m., Gameplan: Weak slate of games in the SEC this week. Not too often does the top game involve Vanderbilt or does any game of significance, for that matter. But just when I started to get excited that Vanderbilt was winning football games, they go out and lose to a hapless Mississippi State squad. Darn. Georgia 24, Vandy 10.

No. 21 Wake Forest at Maryland, noon, Gameplan: The good: Maryland beat Cal and Clemson. The bad: Maryland lost to Middle Tennessee State and got shutout by Virginia. Hey, maybe the strange trend continues. Maryland 24, Wake Forest 17.

Mississippi at No. 2 Alabama, 3:30 p.m., CBS.
Michigan at No. 3 Penn State, 4:30 p.m., ESPN.

Tailgate Beverage of the Week:

Tilt


This alcoholic energy drink should probably be called the "Heart Attack." Somewhere, somehow, I got the impression that mixing uppers and downers wasn't a very good idea.

But if you want to roll the dice, I strongly recommend the lemon lime flavor, pictured on the right. It's stronger, prettier and tastes more like sugar than battery acid. Perfect for game day and the caffeine will take you right into Sunday's NFL slate!

Lou Holtz Pep-Talk Quote:

"@kjxpYxaw;/Rw,nc" (Use the run to set up the pass).

Bet It Hard:

The game you should bet your paycheck on.

No. 6 USC (-42.5) at Washington State. Until Washington State plays like a team that puts 11 guys on the field at one time, I'm picking against them -- even as a six-touchdown underdog.

2008 Bet It Hard Record: 3-0. (All picks against WSU).

Pac-10 Player That I Want to Hang With a Fucking Jump Rope:

Lyle Moevao, QB, Oregon State.

I've never met Lyle Moevao. Sure, he's better looking, better at football, and bangs better (and more) women. Just for that, I want to hang him with a fucking jump rope. (But that goes for just about every athlete, entertainer or celebrity).

But Moevao grinds my fucking gears because he has made me look like a fucking moron.

I had the chance to draft Moevao in one of the middle rounds of my Pac-10 fantasy league draft. But thinking Oregon State was mediocre and last year's starter Sean Canfield was back, Moevao would platoon at best.

So I drafted Tavita Pritchard of Stanford to play QB. Pritchard was the hero in the Cardinal's shocking win over USC last season and he was a young talent in the pass-happy Pac-10. (Or what used to be the pass-happy Pac-10).

Bad. Fucking. Move.

Moevao has thrown for nearly 1,600 yards and has 14 total TDs.

Pritchard has thrown for nearly 1,000 yards and has eight total TDs.

Start sucking, Lyle. (I also wouldn't name a kid Lyle. That's almost as mean as Dabo).

Playboy Babe of the Week:


March, 2004 Cybergirl Melissa Puente.

Yum. Thought I needed a little diversity in this spot.

Boner-popping photos here (NSFW! Or look at porn at work. See what I care. I'm looking at porn right now and I'm working. So there.)

College football and Playboy. What could be better? Enjoy the games, friends.