Usprache: N-E-R-D. Usprache.

We’re well aware that the Scripps National Spelling Bee took place last night. We purposely missed the final round, which aired on ABC, but unwillingly watched some of the early rounds.

Quick observation: Do white kids not know how to spell? We tuned in for about 12 minutes and saw like 417,939 Asian kids (many from India. Don’t exactly know why) and 2 white suckas. There were -532 black spellers, too bad — though “before” is not spelled two plus two “be four.”

Anyhoo, these smart kids spelled a lot of words correctly. No need to comment on them here — they’re brainiac nerds whose interests generally include “reading” and “Mozart.” They probably are intimate with their school’s lockers and hallway trashcans.

We’ve always been a tad curious how one gets involved with a spelling bee. This just doesn’t seem like something that you wake up one day wanting to master. Most of the words they spell are probably fake (see “gematrial”), so training must be a bitch.

Our real question, though, is who in fuck's name decides to judge this competition!? We can’t imagine these forty-something people aspiring to judge middle-schoolers spell words no one has ever heard of.

Maybe they’re the fine folks who created the dictionary. Oh, that’s it, they are Merriam and Webster.

Kids spell, parents videotape, judges, um, make up words. Everybody wins. Or apparently it’s just 13-year-old Katharine Klose, white, from New Jersey. “Ursprache” is your winning word. “Usprache.”

In other news: The Carolina Hurricanes advanced to the Stanley Cup Finals last night after spelling “Sabre” correctly.

-Adam Landres-Schnur