Helton on DL; may be pregnant

Rockies first baseman Todd Helton was put on the 15-day disabled list Saturday with an undiagnosed stomach ailment, The Big Picture has learned.

It’s being reported that Helton has severe stomach cramps and a fever. He is also likely puking and having his wife hold back his hair.

While Helton probably has the flu, bird flu, Tuberculosis, SARS or the Bubonic Plague, we’re not ruling out the possibility that he could be pregnant.

Male pregnancy seems far-fetched, but based on seeing Terminator/Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger carry a child in the god-awful film, Junior (which happened to co-star Danny DeVito who is kinda funny and really, really short), it doesn’t appear to be out of the realm of possibility.

If Helton is indeed pregnant, we expect the child’s name to be Eli Marrero (who slugged the shit out of the ball against the Giants this weekend).

Hopefully Helton just has a mild case of Strep Throat or something and will make a speedy recovery. But if he is pregnant, we wish the Heltons the best during the next nine months (where they will hopefully enlist the help of Hugh Grant who starred in a similarly awful movie by the same name).

In other news: Senate Majority Leader George Mitchell will lead an investigation to see the connection between a home Reggie Bush’s family’s lived in and a man who wanted to handle Reggie’s professional marketing.

-Adam Landres-Schnur

Adam is the Sports Editor of the University of Washington's The Daily. He enjoys fondling sweaters.