That was a lovely rendition of "God Bless Amer..." WHOA! BOOBS! HOLY MACKEREL YOU COULD MOTOR-BOAT THOSE JUBBLIES!

Who is Sara Evans and why have we never seen her jugs before?!?! We are in love with this singer, this artist, this goddess of passion!

We have zero idea what her contribution to pop music is or why she belonged at last night's All-Star game, but holy toledo, we want to meet her doctor and spend the day as her bra.

But get this, Sara Evans, our true love, our soul mate, our inspiration, was born in 1971. Whaaaaaat? This is a lie! Do not lie to us, Wikipedia. She's 24. And a virgin. She's waiting for us. She'll come to California for us. And sing to us all night long until we smother her with a pillow and do things to her that God would certainly not bless.

For the record, we'll call it zero drinks for her, 6 LTs for us to loosen up our vocal chords and a clarinet for fun.