A how-to on getting a good job

Had a phenomenal, laugh-out-loud, OMG, BRB, LMFAO, WOW, SFO, PHX, CHW, NYC, UPN email thread going this week.

Some context:

-The questions posed were mock questions that would be thrown to a manager at a summer camp.
-The names in the answers are real names, whom you won't know. Just go with it. It's funny. -Remember, summer camp. Jewish summer camp. Little kids. Little Jewish kids.

From D.O:

what three words describe you?
Right at this moment?... Drunk. High. Crowning.

why should I hire you?
Because I'll suck your dick. Just kidding. Because I'll kill you if you don't.

what makes a good counselor?
Being a good listener and a proactive problem solver. Like the time Absy Popple told me a kid was picking on him and I told him that maybe he should try not being such a fucking weirdo.

what makes a good manager?
Having a good command of when to use a double switch.

what's the hardest decision you've ever made?
Chicken or fish. Also this one time two of my campers were stuck in a burning outhouse and there was only time to save one of them, and I had to choose which would live and which would die.

do you work well under pressure?
Yes. For example, in the above situation, I was finally able to settle on fish.

From ALS:

what three words describe you?
Horny. Hung. Huge-dicked

why should I hire you?
‘Cause if you don’t give me this job, I’ll probably spend the summer working at Staples. And you can bet your ass you won’t be getting a friends-and-family discount.

what makes a good counselor?
Creativity and imagination come to mind. It takes a real special counselor to decide that using spray-painted cardboard over construction paper is the best way to re-enact Jesus’ crucifixion.

what makes a good manager?
Someone who can get the most out of his/her staff and can talk Molly Stewart-Cohn down from her reading tree.

what's the hardest decision you've ever made?
Whether to draft Nick Dale or Sam Justi on my team for Maccabia games. Dale was a shoe-in for “fastest camper,” but Justi’s enthusiasm could earn bonus points with the judges. I ended up taking Henry Gozan because Dale and Justi were off the board.

do you work well under pressure?
Not really, no. I get pretty stressed and usually take it out on the kids. Physically.

From JMC:

what three words describe you?
irresponsible, uninventive, hostile

why should I hire you?
because I have a great imagination, I take care of business, and I make the kids feel really warm and safe. Also, my parents gave a lot of money to the temple, so you kind of have to.

what makes a good counselor?
if I knew that, I'd probably be a better counselor

what makes a good manager?
someone who can motivate their staff to work hard, even if that means using cattle prods and whips

what's the hardest decision you've ever made?
whether or not to fuck that goat.

do you work well under pressure?
as long as I've had sex recently. even if it's with a goat.

From me:

what three words describe you?
lazy, unmotivated, anti-Semitic.

why should I hire you?
because if you don't, i might kill myself. that's not blood you want on your hands.

what makes a good counselor?
tight jeans, firm ass and great tits.

what makes a good manager?
someone who's willing to take a chance. like the time i decided to mix uppers and downers.

what's the hardest decision you've ever made?
olde english or steele. see, Ol' E is the shit and is thuggish in an Easy E, Boys N the Hood kind of way. Steele is more like Mickey's in that it's a white-man, private high-school kind of 40. Yet Steele is stronger. So do you gain the street cred with the Ol' E or get the extra buzz from Steele? To this day, I still don't know.

do you work well under pressure?
it's weird. i usually get the job done, but somebody usually gets hurt in the process.

Got the job!