The NFL sucks, hot chicks at the gym and disappearing acts

I've harped on this plenty before, but the NFL's TV schedule is unbelievably bad. We're talking as few as three games televised on a Sunday. Fuck. That.

Sunday, I got the Eagles-Giants in the morning, then the Niners-Jets in the afternoon. There was the night game on NBC and that was my Sunday viewing schedule. There's something very wrong with that.

It's a rule that when your local team is at home, there can't a rival game televised. Stupid fucking rule, but a rule's a rule. OK, fine. No other afternoon game.

But for fuck's sake, why didn't I get a CBS game in the morning? When you can explain that to me and give me three good reasons why I shouldn't take out your knees with a lead pipe, I'll be remotely satisfied.

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Was at a bar Saturday and posed the question to some buddies: If you could bang a 40+-year-old celebrity, who would it be?

The question isn't all that tough right now because you have chicks like Halle Berry and Jennifer Aniston who are right around that 40 mark.

But, nonetheless, some good answers ensued:

-Diane Lane
-Catherine Zeta-Jones
-Suzanne Somers
-Jamie Lee Curtis

A few things:

1. I'm not sure why I posed that question.
2. I don't think Zeta-Jones is 40.
3. I said Suzanne Somers. I remembered her from Step by Step where she was totally a fox. I think she's had some work done since.
4. Jamie Lee Curtis once had male organs. Like balls. Or a huge, dangling cock. But she was way hot in True Lies. I wonder if Arnold saw her dong.

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Great day at the gym Sunday.

There's this blonde chick, maybe early 20s and looking like a total boner-popper. She was wearing those stretchy black pants that are major camel-toe magnets.

She also had a pretty good rack. And here's the catch. I think they were fakies, but I couldn't tell. AND I CAN ALWAYS FUCKING TELL!! I don't know why I couldn't tell, but they weren't huge, but made good cleavage in her tight black tank top and they didn't flop much.

This girl was playing right into my gym fantasies, too.

She couldn't stop jump roping! Loved it. She'd do a set on a machine, and then jump rope. Do some bicep curls, and then jump rope. And she has these magical tits and she keeps bouncing up and down. AWESOME!

And then she was doing squats. Basically was begging for me to stare at her ass. I kept looking for an underwear line, but with these ass-huggers, I don't know what type of underwear you could get under those.

Yeah. Great workout.

(If you need to walk away from your desk for five minutes and take care of some business, make sure to come back for the rest of this post).

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We can all agree that Tony Siragusa is wasted space, right? He's loud, obnoxious and brings nothing to the FOX telecast. Why he's there is still a mystery.

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I'm going to end Antonio Bryant's life with spatula. Un-fucking-believable.

I enter a key fantasy matchup -- with first place on the line -- up 25 points. I'm done, my buddy Josh at The Beautiful Game's got Bryant left. Scoring is a point for every 10 yards rushing or receiving and six for a TD.

Of course Bryant has the best night of his life (while making one of the prettiest catches we've seen in a while) and prevents me from the top spot as we enter the playoffs. I'm up 25 fucking points! He's got a guy left who didn't even play last year! FUUUUUUUUUCCCCKKKKKKKK!

When you think you've got a sure win...

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The SEC Championship game. Clean, solid game, but not particularly exciting. Anyone with me?

There weren't a ton of big, game-changing plays and there wasn't a memorable comeback or anything like that.

It was like a fine, crisp game, but not that entertaining. I found myself turning to the USC-UCLA game instead, only to remind myself that I was turning away from a National Semifinal.

But for how good that game was supposed to be -- and for how good some analysts and talking heads are making it sound like -- it wasn't all that good.

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If you could make two people disappear in a non-violent way, who would it be?

I'd go with Joe Buck and Terry Bradshaw. Those two make me want to put my ears in a garbage disposal.