Thursday should have been a national holiday

*All times Pacific. This shit starts early over here.

9:15 a.m.: Rise and shine.

9:16 a.m.: Turn on CBS.

9:16 a.m.: Morning wood stays strong when March Madness theme music comes on.

9:16 a.m.: Quickly think if morning wood is a result of really liking to sleep.

9:17 a.m.: Discard that thought.

9:20 a.m.: It's Temple vs. Michigan State! Whatever! We got Temple in our eight-man, eight-team pool! Go Owls! Go John Chaney!

9:27 a.m.: Fuck around with some cottage cheese. Cottage cheese looks like white throwup. That may or may not have some spunk mixed in.

9:29 a.m.: It comes out how it goes in.

9:31 a.m.: Georgia up early! HOLY SHIT!!! AAAGGGHHHH!

9:42 a.m.: The Portland State coach used to be a Washington assistant and the Vikings are playing just like the Huskies did Wednesday, losing to fucking Valpo in the CBI.

9:42 a.m.: The B in CBI should be for "boner."

10:16 a.m.: Ass groove is forming nicely.

10:18 a.m.: Too early for beer?

10:19 a.m.: Yes.

11:03 a.m.: Xavier is coming back. Frankly, it's the only exciting game going on. Fuck. But still. Madness! AGGHHHGHJGHda!@*(&*!!!

11:35 a.m.: Round 2.

11:47 a.m.: Kent State either forgot how to score or the MAC is a very non-offense-oriented league.

11:52 a.m.: Purdue? Really?

11:54 a.m.: Lunch. Chef Boyardee. That man has seen more vagina than you ever will.

2:04 p.m.: Lull in the action. Stanford and Cornell might be the all-academic first-round game.

2:32 p.m.: Watch last week's Lost.

3:27 p.m.: Ugh, any NIT action to fill the void?

3:27 p.m.: Nope.

3:27 p.m.: Masturbate.

4:00 p.m.: More games!

4:41 p.m.: Drive to work.

4:52 p.m.: Listening to Mike Montgomery on Westwood One is sorta like hearing seventh-graders in a romantic relationship interact.

Ted Robinson: He takes it strong to the hoop and throws it down hard.

Mike Montgomery: Yes.

Robinson: That was a very athletic play.

Montgomery: Yes.

Robinson: Would you like me to bang your wife?

Montgomery: No.

5:03 p.m.: Arrive to work.

5:04 p.m.: One of the many perks of working in a sports department is that there are many TVs always tuned to sports.

5:05 p.m.: Turn TV to CBS. CBS DOESN'T WORK!!!

5:06 p.m.: Every channel works fine but fucking CBS on this fucking TV doesn't fucking work! It's all squiggly and blurry...really, it's like how you tried to watch porn when you were a little kid trying to make out a boob between the fuzzy lines.

5:10 p.m: March Madness On Demand. Is there a better invention on Earth?

6:01 p.m.: Whatever a Belmont is, we're on board!

6:02 p.m.: No!!! Don't drive the lane, Gerald Henderson. Don't do it. Or miss the lay up.

6:03 p.m.: Well, that was fun while it lasted.

6:31 p.m.: New wave of games!

6:43 p.m.: This March Madness On Demand thing is fascinating. All four games up. It's like watching at a sports bar without beer and we have to work and not have fun. But all four games!

6:55 p.m.: Fuck you, George Mason. You were one of our eight teams and you are making Notre Dame look like UNC.

7:34 p.m.: Fullerton wants to make this interesting, but even though it's close, it's one of those games that we'd cut off our small left toe if they actually win.

7:51 p.m.: Every year. Every fucking year we're tempted to pick Arizona to win at least a game, maybe two. And it seems they just look at us and say, "Yeah, we're talented. We're experienced. And we're far the fuck better than the other team. But, eh, it's Spring Break. Cancun, bitches!"

8:08 p.m.: Notice Fullerton has a one Frank Robinson on the team. Think about making some sort of clever connection to the baseballer by the same name.

8:10 p.m.: Can't.

8:23 p.m.: Upset that Gus Johnson didn't see any good games in Denver. His head would've fallen off if he called the Duke game.

8:58 p.m.: The Arizona Wildcats are now on Spring Break.

8:59 p.m.: Well, that wasn't the wildest first day of the tourney. But the only way we could've imagined a more entertaining Thursday would be to watch the games at a strip club with Stephen Jackson and Pacman Jones.