Fuck the Red Sox.Enough of their shit. Really. At this point, the Sox are just as bad as the Yankees. Their payroll is second in the Majors and is nearly $100 mil more than that of the Rockies. So -- and stick with us here -- wouldn't a Colorado victory in the World Series be 100 million times more valuable than a Sox win?
Fuck the Patriots.
Go after Brady's fucking knees already. And can't Belichick show some class? Running it up against the hapless Dolphins? Pfft. He'd be the type of high school coach who drops 80 points on that pathetic team which starts all underclassmen and then call his own kids pussies after the game for having to punt twice.
Fuck Boston College.
Beating Georgia Tech is not beating someone. If the Eagles somehow sneak in to the BCS title game, we're gonna have to hire Frank Costello to whack Matt Ryan before kickoff.
Fuck tea.
Fuck the Bean Pot.
Fuck Bill Simmons.
Fuck phony accents.
Fuck Thomas M. Menino. (Don't know who he is? Look it up.)
Fuck the Celtics.
Fuck CITGO.
Fuck Fever Pitch.
And, somehow, we think Johnny Damon must be to blame for all of this.
And please, feel free to leave your own hate in the comments. Get it all out, people. It's therapeutic. Really.
14 comments:
This was hilarious. It was even funnier when I read it the first 20 times on every other KSK rip off.
Good post.
I love Bill Simmons but he makes me hate New England and the Sox
Word, Cotton, word.
how about if Randall Gay doesn't try and be a cocky prick and return an interception deep in his own end zone against the dolphins yesterday? He had almost zero shot of returning it for a touchdown and ended up losing yards and the patriots wound up on their own 7.
Oh, and Ronnie Brown gets hurt on the play and is gone for the year. If Gay hadn't been so cocky, Brown would be playing this year and millions of fantasy seasons wouldn't be destroyed.
Matt,
Anon is entitled to his opinion.
You no longer are. You're done commenting here, cowboy. Thanks for playing.
matt,
the point you made today was totally legit...but then you put some nasty remark at the end. Overkill, my man. overkill.
From now on, if you want to comment here, email me privately. maybe we can work something out. I'm sure you're a knowledgeable sports fan and all, but the other commenters and I don't need to put up with your shit on a daily basis.
but, really, thanks for the extra hit of traffic each day. every reader counts.
Don't forget "Fuck the Celtics", even though they won't win anything with Doc Rivers as their head coach.
And "Fuck the Bruins", who... are there any Bruins fans that I can piss off by saying that, or should I wait until they have a playoff spot and the Bruins' jerseys are de-mothballed?
"Fever Pitch" is a good story: only in its original (Nick Hornby) english football fan version. Bostonians also ruined that for everybody.
Boston sucks, the GIANTS smacked those chowder heads.
if jersey is the armpit of america, mass. is the herpes sore on Americas lip
FUCK BOSTON!!
So here I begin my official rant against the “city of Boston,” the following will reveal true stories and facts about the sorry excuse of a city known as Boston. First of all, I would like to point out that I am not alone in these feelings and I have a fairly large contingency of fellow Boston-haters that now reside there for college from all over the country, whether it be New York, California, the South, Texas… all superior living destinations to the township of Boston. Another disclaimer to go with this rant – I do enjoy attending Boston University, it’s a great school with great people just unfortunately stuck in a lackluster city, but what can ya do?
Let’s begin with the absolutely abhorrent sports fans that are located in New England – whether it be the pink-hat college transplant Red Sox “fans,” the new breed of Celtics fans who can’t remember when they were actually a respected perennial contender, not simply a poo-poo platter of aged NBA stars desperately seeking a ring that got thrown together at the last minute thanks to Kevin McHale’s gift-wrapping KG and sending him back to the team where he enjoyed all of his success. And then you have in my opinion the worst, which may come as a surprise, but the unbelievable white-trash Patriot fans that completely abandoned the team in the late 1990’s, so much so that there were serious talks of moving them to Orlando or Los Angeles and suddenly came out from under their lobster shells after they got lucky drafting Brady in the 6th round. These fans refuse to believe that any team could even come close to touching the brilliance (read: manufactured success by means of cheating) of their team. Not only were they so confident that the Patriots would put a cap on the perfect season and beat the Giants handedly in the Super Bowl, I actually made bets so absurd with people that they would never actually happen. Example #1 – drunk “Masshole” at a bar said he would give me his car keys and then give me road head if the Giants won: obviously haven’t collected on that bet, but I don’t think I would want either of his offers – a 1990 Honda Civic littered with Red Sox memorabilia and other Boston sports garbage. Example #2 – equally drunk BU slut who also offered to give me a blowjob in front of our whole group of friends if the Giants won (she now contests that this never happened, but we all know better – I will redeem this one day). There are many more but I think you get the idea.
I won’t belabor my hatred for Boston sports, as you all feel similar I’m sure, so I will move on to the joke of a city and all it’s arbitrary laws aimed at bleeding the fun out of anything you could possibly do in the city.
1. Happy Hour does not exist in the Commonwealth of Massachusetts. That’s right, try finding a Happy Hour at a Boston bar, they’ll look at you like you have a tumor growing out of your head. The sole fact that they outlaw HAPPY Hour should say a lot about the overall depressing atmosphere of Boston.
2. Nowhere in the entire city can you purchase a drop of alcohol after 11 PM (except at a bar, that stop serving at 2 AM). Not only can you not buy booze after 11, you can’t buy it in any delis, grocery stores or bodegas (cancel that, they don’t even know what a bodega is – you’re more likely to see a drunken Irishman named Sully selling homemade whiskey out of his trunk). The only place you can get booze is the overly strict Liquor stores that will not only take your fake ID, but call the police and threaten to murder you if you ever return committing the egregious sin of buying beer at the age of 20.
3. Table service at clubs has just been outlawed, in concurrence with the “no Happy Hour law.” Now I know this may seem like a spoiled rich kid thing to complain about, but seriously if someone wants to spend $300 on a bottle at a club, why would you not let them? Are they trying to cut profits? Even before they recently outlawed this, you couldn’t even keep the bottle at your table, the waitress had to come back and make you drinks whenever you wanted a $30 sip of vodka that you had just paid for.
4. The “public transportation” service known as the T stops running at 12:30, is notoriously slow and over-crowded, takes about an hour to go the equivalent of 10 stops on an NY subway. Not to mention the older lines run above ground and cause some of the worst traffic mixups known to man.
5. You think New Jersey drivers are bad? Hit the roads in Boston and you will see bad driving. No more needs to said about this, you just have to experience it yourself.
6. The cab drivers have NO IDEA where they are going. Unless it is a major landmark like Fenway Park or Quincy Market, the majority of Boston cab drivers will ask you step by step directions to your destination and then proceed to yell at you if you don’t know how to get there. I have hopped out of numerous cabs without paying and started a yelling match with the drivers about how they don’t know how to do their jobs and don’t deserve my money. This is really unacceptable; imagine if a cab driver in New York said he didn’t know how to get to a street? Can anyone picture this happening? Absolutely not.
6a. The cabs have the worst legroom in the entire world. My 6’5 frame simply does not fit comfortably in any Boston cab – think of it as economy seating on an airplane made for Chinese people.
7. The weed fucking sucks. Give any Bostonian a taste of some Cali-weed or some real New York shit and they’ll get stoned out of their minds because they’ve been smoking New England dirt for their whole lives.
8. FUCK BOSTON! FUCK THE RED SOX, THE CELTICS, THE NEW ENGLAND REVOLUTION, THE PATRIOTS, THE BRUINS, THE CAB DRIVERS, THE PRUDENTIAL CENTER, FENWAY PARK and everything else…
Sincerely,
Ian – Defender of New York Until Death Do Us Part
ha. this is funny. I live and Salem, MA and resided in boston for a short time. I had to get the hell out of that city. Incredibly overrated. You get the sports fan you've ripped into, but the people NOT into sports are incredibly easily offended hipster douche bags who pride themselves on proper english and social enlightenment.... i think everyone did a good job trashing boston, so i wont waste me time.
I will say most of New England is not like Boston, neither is all of MA. I find people in Salem nicer than the small city i grew up in GA. The same with the berkshires, which are closer to albany than boston by a long shit.
I will say FUCK BOSTON, but not MA
You are right. They pay the best player and they don't win. I would be really pissed off.
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