Pre-Gaming: Halloween Edition

Saturday is Halloween and it's college football, so they're essentially combining two great days which should make one cluster fuck of excellence.

This is where I could go all cliché on you and say, "Which teams have been wearing disguises all season," but that's bullshit and I'd rather talk about candy.

The fact that people just open their doors to strangers and give them delicious treats is one of the greatest concepts in the modern era.

It does still seem funny that when the door is opened -- and ideally there's a mid-4os middle-manager standing there dressed as a fucking astronaut -- the kids still say, "trick or treat." There is no trick. I'm waiting for that guy to say, "We don't have any candy, but here are 12 DOVES!"

Trick or treating is one of the best events there is. And I've done it so much -- pretty much up until college I would knock on doors -- I've become an expert on the candy that's given out. Here's how I'd rank them...

1. Specialty candy: Payday, 5th Avenue, Milky Way Midnight, Chocolate Skittles, Mint 3 Musketeers, Caramello, Reese's Fastbreak, etc. These candies are all spectacular and uncommon, making them Halloween gold.

2. Full-size bars.

More is better.

3. Solid fun-size bars: Snickers, Reese's, Milky Way, 3 Musketeers, Skittles, Starburst.

Yes. Good. No reason to go all original on us. Stick to the basics and you'll get some happy visitors.

4. Juice.

I used to trick 'r treat in an area that gave out apple juice. You would be going around swiftly, sometimes running in those hot costumes, and you would be previewing your pillowcase of goodness. You get fucking thirsty.

If you go to the juice house first, that's bad. They'll be cleaning up the egg, toilet paper and shaving cream the next morning. But go there later in the night, they're your fucking life saver...ooh, Life Savers!

5. Life Savers.

6. Smarties.

Highly underrated. The sour is just right and the chalk texture is perfect.

7. Hershey's Miniatures. Mr. Goodbar, Krackel, Special Dark.

Highly overrated. Some people love this. Not me. BORING! This is the Big 10 of Halloween candy.

8. Hard candies. Like the kind your grandparents have in their sitting room. (Who the fuck still has a sitting room?) The ones in the strawberry wrapper are especially disgusting.

9. Raisins. Raisins are not candy. Better hire a window washer to get that egg off, you health-conscious prick.

10. Pennies. I've gotten pennies on Halloween. Seriously. These people took the phrase, "Throw money at the problem," far too literally.

Who will be giving us a treat this weekend?

Games broken down on a one-to-four-bunny scale:

Four bunnies means: "Do not go out. Do not hang out with your girlfriend. Do not watch House re-runs. Turn the fucking channel to this game and watch it."

Three bunnies means: "Do not go out. Do not watch House re-runs. If spending precious time with the girlfriend will help the relationship, go for it...but it better be worth it. Like really worth it. Otherwise, watch these games."

Two bunnies means: Eh, if it's pissing rain and your girlfriend is shopping, it's not a bad option.

One bunny means: You've never touched a girl. You're allergic to the sun. YouTube doesn't do it for you. You wanna prove that you can, in fact, sit on your ass and watch college football for 12 hours.

Champions are made on Saturdays. All times Eastern.

No. 5 USC at No. 10 Oregon, 8 p.m., ABC: This game used to be good for like 100 combined points and 900 yards. Now both the Trojans and Ducks play defense. Too bad. Perhaps it's our Pac-10 bias, but we'd love to see the winner get one of those SEC squads. We'd put our money on SC over Florida or 'Bama. Not Oregon. That's why we're going Trojans in this one. USC 21, Oregon 18.

No. 3 Texas at No. 14 Oklahoma State, 8 p.m., ABC: Colt McCoy might be the most underwhelming QB to have a 70 percent completion rate. Texas 34, Oklahoma State 24.

Georgia vs. No. 1 Florida at Jacksonville, 3:30 p.m., CBS:

The World's Largest Outdoor...

-Pukefest
-Open-air orgy
-Port A Potty
-Culmination of bad decisions
-AA meeting

Florida 40, Georgia 21.

No. 22 South Carolina at Tennessee, 7:45 p.m., ESPN.

Washington State vs. No. 23 Notre Dame at San Antonio, 7:30 p.m., NBC. This is by no means a one-bunny game. It'd be like a negative-six-bunny game if there were such a thing.

Why it's here: BECAUSE THE GAME IS IN FUCKING TEXAS! This makes as much sense as advanced calculus because why would a team from the the Northwest and a team from the Midwest meet for a low-profile showdown in southern Texas? Either the Irish schedule-makers were unsure about U.S. geography or they actually think they're expanding their global reach by playing in Mexico, despite San Antonio not being in Mexico and it's in Texas and Notre Dame is HOSTING Washington State in San Antonio, TEXAS! This is bizarre. Notre Dame 482, Washington State siete.

No. 25 Mississippi at Auburn, 12.21 p.m., Gameplan.

Tailgate Beverage of the Week:

Jager Bomb


1/2 can Red Bull
1 .5 oz Jagermeister

Pour red bull into a medium sized glass. Add a shot glass of Jagermeister, and chug.

A good drink for a tough defeat. Something about chugging uppers and downers seems like it should come with a side of EMT. And these are fucking gross. And will lead to bad decisions...

Lou Holtz Pep-Talk Quote:

"dWnoix®ykjpµ˜lk≈g&skJ!J#" (Don't give up the big play).

It's Safer than Crack:

The game you should bet your paycheck on.

Notre Dame (-28) over Washington State. We just predicted that the Irish would win by 475 points. The 28 shouldn't be a problem again the hapless Cougs.

2009 Bet It Hard Record: 3-5

Pac-10 Player That I Want to Hang With a Fucking Jump Rope:

Nic Grigsby, RB, Arizona

The junior back is averaging 7.5 yards per carry and has five TDs on the year, yet has carried the ball a combined 22 times in the last four games! We know you like to throw the ball 328 times a game, Mike Stoops, but haven't you heard the football axiom: run to set up the pass?

Heisman Watch:

1. Borat
2. The barista from Friends they all wanted to bang
3. Alf
4. SEC referees

Nope. No one wants it, no one gets it.

Coach whose ass is burning:

1. Paul Wulff, Washington State
2. Bobby Bowden, Florida State
3. Ron Zook, Illinois

Fight Song that makes me want to be in a marching band:

Washington's Bow Down to Washington



This legendary piece was written by Mozart, Beethoven, The Beatles and U2 (before they sucked). It is perfect for any mood, event or game and has been known to be an aphrodisiac. It also suffices as a lullaby, Hollywood theme song and elevator music.

It guarantees happiness and is said to help people successfully lose weight.

Babe of the Week:

Heather Rae

Slap a pair of bunny ears on and you'd have a "costume."

Full gallery here. (Sorta, not really safe for work).

College football, tailgates and girls. What could be better?!

It's hard work being Tim McCarver

Being a catcher is hard work, man. Gotta be able to hit a nasty slider, handle a similar nasty slider and play at your best in the toughest situations.

For former catcher Tim McCarver, that was the easy part. Trying to broadcast a World Series is much more difficult.

Veteran Fox analyst Tim McCarver used to be a catcher. But, he suggests, his mike presents more challenges than foul tips. "It's a lot tougher to announce a World Series that it is to play in one," he says. "Playing in it, you can do something about it."

It's also tough work when you're not very smart. And, hey, forming complete sentences with verbs and nouns and adjectives is challenging for any grown up.

Not quoted in the story: Joe Buck.

[USA Today via Ben Maller]

The train wreck that is the Washington Redskins

Very funny sign! Good work, 'Skins fans! Too bad this got you kicked out of the stadium because Dan Snyder is now controlling free speech.

Still, is Snyder the one to blame? He throws money at problems and makes some costly signings, yet are you complaining about Albert Haynesworth, D.C.? Think Zorn might be the right scapegoat in this situation.

There is talent on this team. Sorta. More than a lot of the better teams in this league. Yet the Redskins, along with the Raiders, are the most hopeless organization in football.

But clever fans. Yeah, bring out the paper bags next home game! Though the sign police might make you switch to plastic...

[Mr. Irrelevant via Busted Coverage]

Morning Headlines: World Series Game 1

Most mornings, we'll lead off the day with some AM headlines -- but not your traditional ones. Rather we'll focus on one game or story and write headlines that are completely inconsequential and insignificant to the outcome of the game. We'll give a few examples and then you'll play in the comments. Best headline (read: the one that makes us laugh the hardest) will get a shoutout in this space the next day. We'll provide the box score for the game as that can lend itself to plenty of content. Let's have some fun. The more insignificant, the better!

[Yankees-Phillies box score]

-Yankees bullpen "costly" in Game 1.

-Girardi: 'Ibanez killed us'

-Rollins' error not costly

Your Fall Classic headlines, please.

5 reasons why the World Series sucks

Game 1 of the World Series is hours away and, with the exception of 2002, we will likely be watching something else.

Maybe it's the teams, the ample other sporting events going on or FOX's telecasts, but this time of year, we just sorta lose interest. It's kinda the same feeling Orioles fans have in May.

Have similar feelings? Thought so. Here are five reasons why the World Series sucks.

5. Weather


Today's forecast in New York: High of 54, low of 45, rain.
Saturday's forecast in Philadelphia: High of 63, low of 45, rain.

Fantastic. You're shoulder pads and goalposts away from a football game.

4. East Coast


More particular to 2009 than the World Series in general, but it seems that often we'll have two teams competing for a championship that nobody west of the Mississippi cares about. Not that we'd prefer a Dodgers-Angels World Series. Actually, that would be worse. The Giants and Royals would be better, thanks.

3. Fairweather fans


Oh, the guy in the next cubicle over has been, "A fan FOREVER," has he? Sure. Whatever. He also roots for the Gators, New England and the Lakers AND Celtics (because he has ties to both teams).

And don't think we're just talking about the Yankees.

The Phillies have won far more recently than the Yanks who are looking for their first ring since 2000. We've seen more Philadelphia hats in California than A's hats lately.

2. Celebrity sightings


Certainly worse than usual with two big-market teams, but we don't need to be reminded 10 times throughout the game that Kate Hudson is dating A-Rod. If we wanted to see Hudson, we'd rent You, Me and Dupree and proceed to gouge out our eyes with a mechanical pencil. Let's stick to the baseball, fellas, and leave the B-list celebrities to TMZ.

1. Joe Buck


Joe Buck arrives just in time to bring fun, humor and excitement to baseball. Except that he doesn't and he looks at little girls the wrong way. He saps all the fun and pleasure out of the Fall Classic and injects monotone and boredom.

And let's not let Tim McCarver off the hook. He was held back in Kindergarten. Twice.

We're SPORTS blogs, people! Let's keep it that way...

Lots of commentary the last week of what's been going on with blogs bringing to light various scandals and affairs that have nothing to do with sports, yet feel obligated to comment on it.

Deadspin's taken lots of heat for this post and this one. Steve Phillips, recently fired from ESPN for having an affair, is also being talked about throughout the sports blogosphere because people seem to think that a corporate employee who slept with a P.A. is newsworthy.

We're not often ones to judge. This site has been crass as any; but we're talking about real people, with real families leading real lives that are getting really fucked up. Is it blogs' -- or any media's -- place to report on who's sleeping with whom? This isn't fucking TMZ or some other smut-peddling rag. We're sports blogs. We talk about Xs and Os, hanging curves and game-winners and why the Redskins are so fucking dreadful.

Leave the professional mishaps to Human Resources. Now go about talking about things that actually matter...like sports.

Alex Smith is good? Young Alex Smith is good?

Young Alex Smith was a nice punching bag for our jokes to land as this site launched in late 2005. He was the big-money guy who played like a guy, well, who couldn't hold onto the football very well.

Humor turned into sympathy as the guy could never really latch on. Hard to feel bad for a guy worth nearly $50 million, but the guy tried hard, failed, got hurt, continued to fail and then became a backup to Shaun Hill who is recognizable in about 4% of the country.

Is the Alex Smith we saw in Sunday's 24-21 loss to Houston the one that was worthy of a top pick? Pretty early to tell. Don Banks' snap judgment might say so. Not sure about his clock management, though.

We're relatively excited that Vernon Davis and Michael Crabtree -- two draft picks, unlike Smith, we were totally stoked about on Draft Day -- are becoming significant pieces of the passing game. (That probably constitutes a snap judgment on the Crabtree front).

Not so excited that the Niners have lost two in a row (and haven't won in three weeks). And at Indy next week. Eesh.

Pre-gaming: College Football is entertainment, after all. Let's go already!

Anyone else, we hate to say it, bored?

This (albeit young) college football season is just missing something.

Where's the BCS chaos?
Where's the epic Heisman race?
Where are the multiple top-5 matchups?

We have Florida, Alabama, Texas and everyone else. And, frankly, those three teams would get crushed by the 2008 Florida, Alabama and Texas.

It just seems that the overall college football landscape is down. And that happens. And that's fine. I understand that not every season can be littered with stars and top talent.

But where's the excitement?

I was on board with a few games last weekend -- Arkansas-Florida was fun; USC-ND got wild at the end; and there was a great finish to the Washington-Arizona State game if you like the feeling of 1,000 daggers covered with cobra venom thrust into your back.

Two weeks ago we had those SEC battles between Florida-LSU and Ole Miss-Alabama that rivaled Lost in Translation in terms of entertainment value. That's when I started to realize that I'm not having fun this college football season.

One of the reasons I so love Gary Danielson calling the (usually) 3:30 p.m. CBS game is because he calls the game as a fan with an analyst's knowledge. So when Florida and LSU were playing a boring, sloppy game, he seemed genuinely disappointed -- like he had been promised Saving Private Ryan and instead got The Thin Red Line.

So I, too, feel a little cheated. GIVE ME SOME FUCKING CLASSICS ALREADY! It's only Week 8. Still plenty of time for some fireworks...

Who will be giving us a show this weekend?

Games broken down on a one-to-four-bunny scale:

Four bunnies means: "Do not go out. Do not hang out with your girlfriend. Do not watch House re-runs. Turn the fucking channel to this game and watch it."

Three bunnies means: "Do not go out. Do not watch House re-runs. If spending precious time with the girlfriend will help the relationship, go for it...but it better be worth it. Like really worth it. Otherwise, watch these games."

Two bunnies means: Eh, if it's pissing rain and your girlfriend is shopping, it's not a bad option.

One bunny means: You've never touched a girl. You're allergic to the sun. YouTube doesn't do it for you. You wanna prove that you can, in fact, sit on your ass and watch college football for 12 hours.

Champions are made on Saturdays. All times Eastern.

None. Good weekend to go bury your head in a sandbox.

No. 8 TCU at No. 16 BYU, 7:30 p.m., Versus?: I get wood for the Mountain West. The Mountain West is to football as the Missouri Valley Conference was to mid-2000s basketball.

Mid-majors duking it out, playing in front of passionate fans -- some of which can't drink a Pepsi but sure love football! -- in packed stadiums in games that really matter.

Not a whole lot of talk about TCU as a BCS contender yet, but if the Frogs win this game, a mid-November home date with Utah could be the only thing in the way of TCU and a Orange-Bowl berth.

Boise State and TCU would scare BCS bigwigs, while making the college football fan -- and BCS haters -- very happy. Here's to the Horned Frogs and screwing the BCS! TCU 20, BYU 14.

Oregon State at No. 7 USC, 8 p.m., ABC:

Taylor Mays jokes are fun!

-Taylor Mays can slam a revolving door
-Taylor Mays is so fast he celebrates his birthday every 300 days.
-15 minutes saves Taylor Mays 20% on car insurance.
-Taylor Mays can find Carmen Sandiego.
-When Taylor Mays does math, 100 x 0 = 100.
-According to Mapquest, Taylor Mays can drive from LA to Paris in two hours -- with traffic!
-When it rains, Taylor Mays doesn't get wet.

USC 38, Oregon State 27.

No. 13 Penn State at Michigan, 3:30 p.m., ABC: This should be exciting for people who enjoy pastels, vanilla ice cream and reading dictionaries." Penn State 10, Michigan 6.

No. 3 Texas at Missouri, 8 p.m., ABC.

South Florida at No. 20 Pittsburgh, 12 p.m., Gameplan.
Arkansas at Ole Miss 12:21 p.m., Gameplan.
Tenneseee at No. 2 Alabama, 3:30 p.m., CBS.
Oklahoma at N0. 25 Kansas, 3:30 p.m., ABC.
Auburn at No. 9 LSU, 7:30 p.m., ESPN.

Tailgate Beverage of the Week:

Zima


You're 99-percent guaranteed to get your ass kicked, but your team still has a 50-50 shot to win, unless you're North Texas.

Lou Holtz Pep-Talk Quote:

"2?@9lamn1#50&AdloipacK" (Don't stop moving your feet).

It's Safer than Crack:

The game you should bet your paycheck on.

Georgia Tech (-5.5) over Virginia. Don't let that 2-0 ACC record fool you. This is the same Virginia team that lost to William & Mary.

2009 Bet It Hard Record: 2-5

Pac-10 Player That I Want to Hang With a Fucking Jump Rope:

Jeremiah Masoli, QB, Oregon

"Day-to-day" is the most frustrating thing a fan can hear. Either you're ready or you're not. It's fucking night and day, buddy. Either your knee is going to hold up or it's going to fall off like a leper. Don't leave us to this speculating business.

Heisman Watch:

1. Keyser Soze
2. Batman
3. Tyler Durden
4. That hot chick from American Pie.

Ha! Like you're winning the Heisman, Mark Ingram. Worst Heisman race I can remember. Can they just not give one out this year?

Coach whose ass is burning:

1. Paul Wulff, Washington State
2. Bobby Bowden, Florida State

Fight Song that makes me want to be in a marching band:

Virginia Tech's Tech Triumph

Sorta sounds like something they played near the beginning of Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade.

Babe of the Week:

Mia Lai

She probably gets lai-d a lot. Bada ching!

Full gallery here. (Sorta, not really safe for work).

College football, tailgates and girls. What could be better?!

'He's going to be suspended for doing a thing like that'

Ah, Ron Artest in the Philippines. Great stuff. Turn the volume up. The commentators are fantastic!

"He's going to be suspended for doing a thing like that."
"Oh yes."

They can't teach that stuff...

Ronnie Brown, with a hotel, is gonna cost you a pretty penny

Fantastic work by The Pigskin Doctors to come up with this amazing Monopoly Board of running backs by committee.

We've always been a huge fan of the yellow-green corner, though the Ravens'-Cowboys' tandem ain't gonna cut it.

Can always win on the railroads, too. The New England Patriots are always winners...

Bottom line: build, build, build. Even Jerome Harrison with a hotel will fuck you.

[Via Hot Clicks]

Morning Headlines: Phils beat Dodgers to win NLCS 4-1

Most mornings, we'll lead off the day with some AM headlines -- but not your traditional ones. Rather we'll focus on one game or story and write headlines that are completely inconsequential and insignificant to the outcome of the game. We'll give a few examples and then you'll play in the comments. Best headline (read: the one that makes us laugh the hardest) will get a shoutout in this space the next day. We'll provide the box score for the game as that can lend itself to plenty of content. Let's have some fun. The more insignificant, the better!

[Phillies-Dodgers box score]

-Phils score one in 7th, one in 8th to capture NL pennant

- Troncoso (2/3 innings) remains perfect in NLCS

- Phils strand five, but pitching carries team back to World Series

Half of the World Series match-up is complete. Fire away at 'em Phils in the comments.

Cockfighting, rain in Seattle

Seasonal Affect Disorder is big in Seattle; the rain, cold and gray adds up and causes legitimate unhappiness. A man busted for a cockfighting ring has nothing to do with that.

A South Seattle man accused of raising roosters for an alleged cockfighting ring has been charged.

According to the statement of probable cause, several of the seized roosters had alterations to their body, including wattles, combs and earlobes removed, and one or both of he spurs cut. These alterations are "consistent with those made on birds trained and used in cockfighting," investigators said.

Also found at the home were knives, sparring muffs, tools, medical supplies, iron-enriched vitamins and supplements -- all supplies often used by those who organize or participate in cockfighting rings. Along with the paraphernalia, officers found a dismembered chicken foot "that appeared to be used for practice in applying the knifes," the statement said.

Um, better than dogs? Let the Michael Vick jokes begin. (Seriously, though, there is nothing funny about cockfighting. That's pretty fucked up. Wonder who won?)

The Toronto Maple Sox?

The following is written by David Kamoe, a life-long sports fan whose sister is a close friend. David is an avid A's fan, wen to to high school with Drew Gooden and can't believe that Giants commentator Mike Krukow used to refer to the right-centerfield expanse at Pac Bell Park as "Finley Alley," referring to Steve Finley who remarkably wore a Giants uniform for a season. David will likely be stopping by these parts a few times a month, so treat him right. And no sister jokes.

The Leafs are 0-6-1 as of Saturday’s loss to the Rangers. Don Cherry has already begun decrying Ron Wilson and Brian Burke but it’s early and Don Cherry’s a Leafs fan deep down. (Note: Any Leafs fan that can confirm or refute the previous statement, please do so). It appears that the Leafs again have issues “in the nets” as former Sharks back-up goalie Vesa Toskala has been less than stellar to say the least. Furthermore, his back-up, Jonas Gustavsson alias “The Monster,” is injured. This -- it seems -- is just another year in the season of the Maple Leafs.

I have tried to figure out a baseball comparison to the Maple Leafs. My first thought was that they were the Boston Red Sox of hockey. They were the second-class team to the Montreal Canadiens and had a history of “almost” just as the Red Sox did. The Leafs did, however, win 13 Cups from 1918 to 1967 and were fairly dominant in the pre-expansion era.

My second thought was that they were the Chicago Cubs of baseball. This, I know, is a tough thing to saddle anyone with. I have a great deal of respect for all the history and lore that is the Chicago Cubs. They have my favorite ballpark (outside of the Coliseum) in Wrigley Field and as everyone knows, haven’t won the World Series since 1908. Furthermore, they haven’t even made the World Series since 1945. What turns me away from a full-on Cubs-Leafs comparison is that there is a part of the Cubs fandom that embraces being the “lovable losers” partying down at 1060 W. Addison 81 times a year. This does not seem to be the arc of the Leafs fan.

I am thus at a bit of a standstill. I know that all three cities have powerful sports media bases scrutinizing their teams. Until the Cubs were just sold, they were owned by the Chicago Tribune. It is my common belief that every last Red Sox game is beamed live and in HD on NESN. Each game has an hour long pre-and-post-game show covering about as much as ESPN tries to do with Monday Night Football. The Leafs are the official team of Toronto even if the Argonauts, Blue Jays, and Raptors continue to play. The only time this may have wavered was 1992 and 1993 when the Blue Jays won the World Series -- although Dougie Gilmour and the Leafs were in the midst of trying to reach the Stanley Cup Finals.

I would like to pose the following questions to Leafs fans: 1. Do you believe the Leafs are comparable to either the Red Sox or the Cubs? 2. Do you think that the Leafs are capable of winning the Cup sometime in the foreseeable future?

A quick revision: I wrote in a previous post that Maple Leaf Gardens was no longer standing. This is false and I will go see it when I’m in Toronto.

Ted Williams saves Halloween

Never too early to start having Halloween parties. Damn, it'd be fun to celebrate Halloween in April. Who needs an excuse to dress up?

This wonderful costume -- Ted Williams' friggin head! -- comes to us from Unathletic Mag with a bounce pass from With Leather.

The whole cryogenic thing has never really made any sense, but nor has math, so who's to complain? If Williams comes back to life (cryogenic freezing brings people back to life, right? As zombies or something?) he'll come back as the first headless .400 hitter of the steroid era.

This totally sucks, but not for me for a change

I seemed to have won by two yards. Yes, after LT's 100-yard night, I won by .01. That's fucked on all levels for the other guy who is an awesome dude and commenter on the site.

Of course, I thought I was losing by about three yards for the last eight minutes of the game when Norv Turner and Phillip Rivers did everything in their power not to give Tomlinson the ball. I was screaming at the TV and think I might've declared Rivers a racist.

But now Norv Turner is my favorite tackle football coach, Rivers is my favorite player and LT is a fantasy stud. Those things are all true except that they're not. But fantasy team is the best to ever play.

Briefly

I've put my finger on those Broncos uniforms: it looks like the University of Alabama football helmet, the late 80s San Diego Padres and zebras had one too many tequila shots. (And then had a threesome).

Meanwhile the Broncos remain undefeated and the NFL's most successful surprise. The Titans, at 0-6, would be at the other end of that spectrum.

Morning Headlines: Phils beat Dodgers to lead NLCS 3-1

Most mornings, we'll lead off the day with some AM headlines -- but not your traditional ones. Rather we'll focus on one game or story and write headlines that are completely inconsequential and insignificant to the outcome of the game. We'll give a few examples and then you'll play in the comments. Best headline (read: the one that makes us laugh the hardest) will get a shoutout in this space the next day. We'll provide the box score for the game as that can lend itself to plenty of content. Let's have some fun. The more insignificant, the better!

[Phillies-Dodgers box score].

-Phils jump on Wolf, Dodgers early; hang on

-Torre: 'Sherrill was huge for us tonight'

-Utley's RBI the difference in lopsided win

Your NLCS headlines in the comments, please.

Just when you think you've got things figured out, the Raiders look like a professional football team

Head in hands: Philly loses to the lowly Raiders

The thing in professional sports, we guess, that just doesn't happen in the college game are these tremendous surprises. Perhaps it's because of parity and salary caps and the fact that there are only a handful of teams in the league. But in college football, for example, you wouldn't see the most hapless team in the league beat a top-15 team.

In the NFL, though, anything goes. There are some truly awful teams that go out on a weekly basis and embarrass themselves and their fanbases.

But then shit like this happens. The pathetic Raiders just put it together for one day and beat a team that is far superior in every aspect of the game. It's the true definition of "upset," sure. When a one-win team beats a one-loss team in Week 6, it doesn't even seem like much. But the Raiders are AWFUL! Like never-win-another-game-ever awful. Then the defense kicks in, they get a big play and somehow score more points after 60 minutes than the other team. Shocking. Raiders lose by 21 next week...

A Rabbi, ejection and Madison Square Garden; somehow Isiah Thomas not involved

Preseason game between the Knicks and Maccabi Tel Aviv. The Tel Aviv coach gets t'ed up twice: immediate ejection. But he was enjoying New York, his team was playing well and he just didn't want to leave. So, fuck it! He didn't.

The New York Knicks' 106-91 victory over the Euroleague team featured a bizarre delay in the third quarter when the visiting coach refused to leave after he was ejected.

The game was halted about 8 minutes when Pini Gershon continued to linger near Maccabi's bench -- a delay that included a rabbi trying to intervene by asking the NBA's replacement referees calling the game to allow Gershon to stay.

Rabbi's do it all. Perform a Bar Mitzvah, preside over a marriage, give a coach a get-out-of-jail-free card. Now if only they can start delivering wins.

Pre-Gaming: Fried Butter, Taylor Mays and how this year's Heisman race is as lame as the 69th Academy Awards

Fried butter: the reason why 2/3 of Americans are overweight

Fuck it. Grab some fried butter, a bacon cheeseburger on a doughnut "bun" and let's head straight to the games (and the bathroom).

Games broken down on a one-to-four-bunny scale:

Four bunnies means: "Do not go out. Do not hang out with your girlfriend. Do not watch House re-runs. Turn the fucking channel to this game and watch it."

Three bunnies means: "Do not go out. Do not watch House re-runs. If spending precious time with the girlfriend will help the relationship, go for it...but it better be worth it. Like really worth it. Otherwise, watch these games."

Two bunnies means: Eh, if it's pissing rain and your girlfriend is shopping, it's not a bad option.

One bunny means: You've never touched a girl. You're allergic to the sun. YouTube doesn't do it for you. You wanna prove that you can, in fact, sit on your ass and watch college football for 12 hours.

Champions are made on Saturdays. All times Eastern.

No. 20 Oklahoma at No. 3 Texas at Cotton Bowl, 12 p.m., ABC:

Strong advice from an emailer to Stewart Mandel's mailbag:

You've got to check out the heart-stopping fried food at the Texas State Fair just outside the stadium. My lunch at the fair today included a fried corn dog, fried Oreo, fried butter, fried yam, fried pickles, fried pork chips, fried ribs, fried cheesecake, fried shrimp, fried alligator, and the boring fried potato. Be a man, do the right thing.

That's a big lunch... Fried butter?! Fried cheesecake! The heart attack might be worth it.

Meanwhile this game is 9 a.m. on the West Coast. NO WONDER WE'RE FUCKING PISSED OFF! Everything is so neatly arranged for those East Coasters. But there's a little something called Friday Night. And often the plan does not involve waking up at 9 a.m. to watch an important football game. Poor planning.

Texas 28, Oklahoma 17.

No. 6 USC at No. 25 Notre Dame, 3:30 p.m., NBC:

For Taylor Mays, 2+2=5.
Taylor Mays is faster than the speed of light.
Taylor Mays can kill two stones with one bird.
If you have $5 and Taylor Mays has $5, Taylor Mays has more money than you.
Taylor Mays can believe it's not butter.
Taylor Mays won a hand of Hold 'Em with five aces.
Taylor Mays can divide by zero.
Taylor Mays watches 60 minutes in a half hour.

USC 38, Notre Dame 24.

No. 4 Virginia Tech at No. 19 Georgia Tech, 6 p.m., ESPN2

No. 22 South Carolina at No. 2 Alabama, 7:45 p.m., ESPN: Love or hate Steve Spurrier, you gotta admit that visor makes him more ready to play the back nine than coach a football team. Yet it somehow works. Some people call that "style." Alabama 31, South Carolina 10.

Texas Tech at No. 15 Nebraska, 3:30 p.m., ABC. Not so sure why "system quarterback" is such a dirty term. The Red Raiders' backup -- in his first career start! -- threw for 490 yards and seven touchdowns last week in a rout of Kansas State. Perhaps other teams should consider this "system." Texas Tech 38, Nebraska 35.

No. 11 Iowa at Wisconsin, 12 p.m., ESPN.

Missouri at No. 16 Oklahoma St., 9:15 p.m., ESPN2.
Arkansas at No. 1 Florida, 3:30 p.m., CBS.

Tailgate Beverage of the Week:

Tequila Shots


1 1/2 oz. tequila Lemon or lime wedge 1 pinch of salt Moisten the back of your hand below the index finger (usually by licking) and pour on the salt. Lick the salt off your hand. Drink the tequila. Quickly bite the lemon or lime wedge. Rinse and repeat.

Certain types of alcohol can set a mood:

When you're having a party at your house and your buddy and his girlfriend bring over a bottle of wine, you know that it's going to be low-key, boring night and you're going to resent your friend's GF because she's low-key and boring and makes him low-key and boring.

Tequila shots would be at the other end of the spectrum. Want to have a night that's going to be full of fun and bad decisions? Skip the lime and take another shot.

Lou Holtz Pep-Talk Quote:

"J9opiøwµ#√5∆sA-1" (Every play counts).

It's Safer than Crack:

The game you should bet your paycheck on.

Kansas (-10) over Colorado. The Buffs are fucking terrible. Meanwhile, Todd Reesing has been the KU quarterback since 1998.

2009 Bet It Hard Record: 2-4

Pac-10 Player That I Want to Hang With a Fucking Jump Rope:

Sean Canfield, QB, Oregon State

You play quarterback for fuck's sake! It's OK to throw a touchdown every once in a while.

Heisman Watch:

1. Colt McCoy, QB, Texas
2. Tony Pike, QB, Cincinnati
3. Tim Tebow, QB, Florida
4. Jimmy Clausen, QB, Notre Dame

This is the lamest Heisman race ever. The winner is going to win it because no one else did. It'll be like the year that the English Patient won Best Picture because none of the other movies were really any good.

Coach whose ass is burning:

1. Paul Wulff, Washington State
2. Al Groh, Virginia
3. Bobby Bowden, Florida State
4. Dan Hawkins, Colorado

Fight Song that makes me want to be in a marching band:

Alabama's Go Bama

I don't like the Tide one bit, so hearing this song after every play is tiresome. But certainly catchy. This shit could be top-40!

Babe of the Week:

Candy Ace

Hi, how are ya? Is that your real name?

Full gallery here. (Sorta, not really safe for work).

College football, tailgates and girls. What could be better?!

Ruth. Williams. Wait a second, Barry Bonds took steroids?

SI's Joe Posnanski wrote a column yesterday evaluating the best hitters to ever play the game. Pure hitter. No base-stealing. No five tool bullshit. Just hitting.

The list is pretty much what you'd expect and will create all sorts of debate that is completely moot because you don't compare apples and oranges, steroids and non-steroids and other things that are clichéd opposites.

Some notable current names: Ken Griffey Jr., Frank Thomas, Albert Pujols, Manny, Vlad, Todd Helton...the list goes on and features many current and recent players.

Though The Big Lead isn't so sure that Pujols, only in his ninth season, should be ranked so high on an all-time list.

And we're not sure why Barry Bonds isn't No. 1. Again, apples and oranges blah blah blah. But no player we have ever seen will change the way the game is played and Barry did that. Give the cream and a clear an assist, but steroids don't improve plate discipline.

Read the list. Get heated. And debate in the comments.

ENOUGH! Play the damn game already

Saturday: Dodgers beat Cardinals 5-1 to sweep series.
Sunday: Angels beat Red Sox 7-6 and Yankees beat Twins 4-1 to both sweep
Monday: Phillies beat Rockies 5-4 to win series in four.
Tuesday: Nothing happens
Wednesday: Nothing happens
Thursday: Game 1 of the NCLS; THE YANKEES AND ANGELS HAVE BEEN OFF FOR NEARLY A WEEK!
Friday: Game 1 of the ALCS. Oh, now you'd like to play baseball.

This isn't the freakin' NBA, man. Baseball players don't need four days off between games. They hardly even run. The real question, of course, is who does the extra rest give an advantage to? Which teams will the break mess up?

We'll see tomorrow. And then Friday. Fuck. Monday through Wednesday with nothing but the NHL is worse than King of the Hill reruns.

Morning Headlines: John Wooden turns 99!

Most mornings, we'll lead off the day with some AM headlines -- but not your traditional ones. Rather we'll focus on one game or story and write headlines that are completely inconsequential and insignificant to the outcome of the game. We'll give a few examples and then you'll play in the comments. Best headline (read: the one that makes us laugh the hardest) will get a shoutout in this space the next day. We'll provide the box score for the game as that can lend itself to plenty of content. Let's have some fun. The more insignificant, the better!

[Wooden celebrates 99th birthday].

-Purdue grad inches closer to 100

-Wooden: 'We'll probably just have cake'

-44-15 record at Indiana State no small feat for little-known coach

Your headlines and dinosaur jokes in the comments.

0-82: How the Warriors have already ensured themselves a terrible 09-10 season

It's a very good thing we don't care for the NBA (or the Warriors, really) because Golden State is becoming the Oakland Raiders of professional basketball.

A timeline:

-August: Stephen Jackson publicly asks to be traded.

-Sept. 28: Monta Ellis says he won't share the backcourt with first-round pick Stephen Curry.

-Oct. 9: Jackson bursts out at coach Don Nelson in preseason game against the Lakers and gets two-game suspension for it.

-Oct. 13: Jackson asked to relinquish his position as captain, but doesn't really seem to mind.

"I don't want to be a role model. ... Being captain was overrated to me, anyway. You don't do anything but go out before the game and talk to the refs. I don't want to do that, anyway."

We're sure far more missteps have happened since going 29-53 last season, but we haven't really paid much attention, because these are the Warriors and bad things happen to the Warriors.

So, who's ready for basketball season? Wake us up when the Lakers have won it again.

The 10 Worst NFL Teams

We already noted how 2009 has some of the most awful-est, worst-est teams ever in the NFL. Parity has come and gone and now you have about 20 decent teams and the 10 others you get healthy on.

10. Buffalo (1-4)


Think: if Leodis McKelvin holds onto the ball, the Bills are, somehow, 7-0 and have already clinched a first-round bye.

9. Carolina (1-3)


All losses are against possible playoff teams, yet the Panthers' sole win is against the Redskins who just lost to the New York Yankees.

8. Tennessee (0-5)


Likely to be 0-6 after traveling to Foxborough, but three of the losses have come against Jets, Colts and Steelers. Wonder if Jeff Fisher will shave the mustache to "shake things up."

7. Detroit (1-4)


They're competitive. More than you can say about some of the two-win teams. But they're the Lions. Bad things find this team. Matthew Stafford will get a self-inflicted knee injury next week that will take 10 years to rehab.

6. Washington (2-3)


The 'Skins are perhaps the worst 2-3 team -- which could easily be 3-3 after next week's home game against the Chiefs -- ever. They haven't played a team with a win at the time! Close wins over Tampa and St. Louis aren't gonna cut it. The worst organization not named the Raiders.

5. Tampa Bay (0-5)


The Bucs can't catch a break. They're absolutely dreadful, yet could go winless and still NOT get the first pick in the 2010 Draft.

4. Cleveland (.5-3)


A 6-3 win over Buffalo doesn't constitute a full victory. Not another winnable game until Nov. 22 (at Detroit). The real question becomes: Sam Bradford or Colt McCoy?

3. Kansas City (0-5)


Jared Allen could really be helping that defense right about now... But, hey, the Chiefs get Oakland again in about a month.

2. St. Louis (0-5)


On the bright side, the Rams held the Redskins to just nine points. Defense wins championships.

1. Oakland (1-4)


How can you say the Raiders are worse than the Chiefs? Call us prophetic, but Oakland might never win a game ever again. EVER. AGAIN. Horrible management, a coach who may or may not have threatened to kill another coach, and a QB who might be the biggest bust ever. This is like watching a combination of an awful high-school team and a train wreck.