Brown: 'Sour milk, grapes'

Larry Brown did not coach against the Milwaukee Bucks last night after being taken to a Cleveland hospital Thursday after becoming ill during the Knicks' 278th loss of the season.

"I felt like shit," said Brown, 96. "I couldn't keep the food down and my fucking ass was on fire."

Asked what may have caused the stomach ailment that could keep Brown sidelined for the rest of the year, the coach replied, "It may have been the bean dip, but I don't think so. Likely it was bad milk in the cereal I ate for dinner."

Reporters seemed unsure as to why Brown would eat cereal for dinner, but a box of Marblebury Crunch was found in the Knicks' locker room.

As for Brown returning to the Knicks' bench this season:

"We're gonna take it slow," said Brown from his hospital toilet. "But right now, things are tough and it's hard managing these players. It's like the Bad News Bears." I feel like Walter Fucking Matthau out there.

I don't want to sound too conceited, but when you're a millionaire, future Hall of Fame coach, and have championship rings, things should be better. Honestly, during the last few months, the highlight of my day is taking a shit. It's just been that bad."

In other news: Barry Bonds may face perjury charges because he accidentally told the court that he's only five homeruns away from tying Babe Ruth on the all-time homerun list.