People I Want to Kill: Kid Rock

This is a new feature. It's pretty self-explanatory. If you're in law enforcement, I don't really want to kill people. I would rather someone else do it for me. If you have suggestions or want to guest-write one, email me. If you see your name appear on this feature, hide.

I don't know if it's strictly the appearance of Kid Rock, if it's his disgusting music or if it's a combination of those things plus him banging hot chicks, but I think the world would function better, the sun shine brighter and the air be fresher if he would just go away.

His real name, Robert James Ritchie, was definitely crafted by two parents who were either farmers or carnies. Really, Kid Rock looks like he belongs operating a Ferris wheel on fairgrounds in rural Alabama.

But he decides to call himself Kid Rock, which he seems to drive home in this song where he screams, "MY NAME IS KID ROCK!"

But his name isn't Kid Rock, it's Robert (or Bob), and he's 38 years old. So he's a fucking liar, too.

Naturally, with people I want to kill, it's not the actual person who fucking gets me, it's the people who make him or her a star. Kid Rock, for example, flies a confederate flag, drinks pig's blood mixed with vodka, and masturbates to pictures of his sister. He also plays music that resembles the noises made by crying babies, lawnmowers and static on your television. But people have bought into this. Mr. Rock appeals to a certain type. Granted that type has the IQ of nutmeg, but he's clearly made it big enough for me to want to go all Natural Born Killers on him.

He also kinda looks like Sawyer from Lost but I wouldn't kill Sawyer from Lost because Lost is fucking awesome and Sawyer is fucking awesome and Kid Rock is busy fucking his cousin.

But then there are the women. He was briefly engaged to Pamela Anderson who we think had Hepatitis C, which isn't cool, but the blonde hair, red bathing suit and plastic tits are. We would certainly do things to Pamela Anderson. And Rock did those things to her. We're not sure if they're related (second cousins?), but we're trying to dig deeper and find the truth.

His clothing of choice is a trucker hat, his beer of choice is Piss Light and his word of choice is Bawitdaba." Fuck you, Kid Rock. You give music, trucker hats and hicks a bad name.

Preferred method of death: Wrath.

The other college sports

Happy Monday folks. JMC here holding down the fort while Zach's on his way back from a real strenuous trip to Arizona to watch spring training baseball on his parents' dime. Because I feel so sorry for him (travel is such a bitch) I agreed to write today's post for him...

At this time of year it's sometimes hard to remember that there's more going on than just the NCAA men's basketball tournament. Obviously there's a lot of media attention to the tourney and everyone, ourselves included, is fretting over the status of their bracket. But lost in the shuffle are some other pretty compelling sports stories that we thought you might like to know about...

-On Saturday the University of Virginia defeated the University of Maryland 10-9 in men's lacrosse. Big fucking deal right? Actually, yes, because that game went to SEVEN overtimes, making it the longest game in NCAA history. Being a UVA alumnus, I actually watched all seven overtimes, and let me tell you, it was nerve-wracking. UVA had to score four 4th quarter goals just to tie the thing up, and then withstood 14 shots in overtime to finally win and preserve their undefeated record. Never watched college lacrosse? You might want to start - it's fast, it's exciting, and the players knock the shit out of each other. Of course it helps when you have a real rooting interest. It's too bad there are only about 5 games broadcast per year. My Wahoos by the way are #1 in the country so look out come tournament time.

-We know about as much about hockey as we do about women so writing about the Frozen Four is a stretch. But hey, someone's got to do it. Did you know that there's a college called Bemidji State in the hockey tournament? BSU is in, no shock here, Minnesota, where little kids play hockey like little kids here in Berkeley recycle and learn to do yoga. And BSU has made it to the Frozen Four! The lowest seed ever! Apparently there have been some exciting finishes in the hockey tourney but we of course missed them because we were too busy, um, reading the articles at the new Playboy Archive. NSFW example here.

-There is also a WOMEN'S NCAA basketball tournament. In fact there's a regional going on right here in Berkeley, and like a good sports blogger we spent all day attending the games on the couch with our hand down our pants. The cool thing is that UConn is undefeated. They haven't lost a single game all damn season. And they're pretty much a lock to finish their run through the tournament and win it all without one measly little loss all year. Pretty impressive. If this was the men's team we'd be talking about how the women on campus would be lining up to give these guys a "welcome home present," but it's the women's team so they'll probably just go back to being unrecognizable and oddly tall.

What, you were expecting a UNC-OU Morning Headlines? Sorry.

Jason Kidd is dating a Playmate. And she's pregnant. Fantastic.

An NBA star dating an exorbitantly hot chick is old news -- hey, we're doing a whole list of those in this round of Would You Do...

But, fuck, Hope Dworaczyk is mega fine. She's on this month's cover of Playboy magazine with Seth Rogen who may or may not be banging someone similarly as hot as Dwkl^jljalx!*Z!k.

Good get for Kidd. His ex-wife, Jouamana, is mega-super-hot but even more mega-super-fucking-batshit-Courtney-Love crazy. He now has the younger girl, with the perkier tits and far less baggage. Solid move by the nine-time all-star.

And she's pregnant. Wonderful. Ten years down the line perhaps she'll go psycho, too.

You can see the NSFW photos here and some safer ones here. Don't stay in the bathroom too long. Never wanna make it obvious...

Athletes caught in compromising positions

Betfair's list of Sporno: when porn and sports collide, is absolutely, LOL, LMAO, RAWR funny. Go check it out. Our favorite is pictured. It's funny because it's a group scene. And it looks like they're doing anal.

The post where I tell you that I joined Twitter

I joined Twitter. I don't know what that means, how it makes me feel or when I'm supposed to do something. But you can follow it here. (Also link on right sidebar under "Tip Us Off" section).

I'll use it for personal and blog use. So I might tell you that I just masturbated to a gonzo porn or that I wrote a blog post that refers to Tim Floyd as an alcoholic.

Feel free to follow me or be my friend or whatever it is that goes on over there. It'll be a learning experience for us all.

The tourney's five most recognizable coaches

We're down to just 16 teams, but five coaches stand out for other reasons. Certain coaches, no matter what uniform their players are wearing, are recognizable based on their distinct appearances. Whether it's their facial expressions, type of suit or overall demeanor, some guys just stand out.

Unlike the list of coaches with the most distinct appearance we ran last year, this list won't have legendary names. But this group is certainly distinguishable.

As with any list, your disagreements, omissions and hate speech are welcomed in the comments.

The top five most recognizable coaching appearances from the 2009 NCAA Tournament:

5. Jim Boeheim, Syracuse:


Syracuse's head honcho has the "I can't believe that just happened!" look permanently etched on his face. Whether it's a bad call, his player making a mistake or the opponent hitting a game-winner, Boeheim's look is pretty much always the same. That facial expression may or may not change when his team wins.

4. Bruce Pearl, Tennessee:


The orange suit stands out, sure, but that's a rarity. What's notable about Pearl is that he's a profuse sweater. In a close game? He'll soak through his suit. Visual proof that he's working hard from the sidelines can't upset Vols fans.

3. Jay Wright, Villanova:


A multiple winner of GQ's Fashionable Four for the best-dressed college basketball coach, Wright stands out with his double-breasted, pinstriped and three-piece suits. Hey, gotta look the part.

2. John Beilein, Michigan:


Who needs a jacket? Beilein is good for the dress shirt, tie and khakis. The signature rolled up sleeves just play into his blue-collar style of basketball. Nothing fancy, just get the job done.

1. Tim Floyd, USC:


Floyd took notes from the John Chaney School of Coaching with the loosened tie, messy hair and overall disheveled appearance. He looks like he just finished a long day of work and needs to settle down with the History Channel and some Beam. Coaching basketball is hard work, dammit.

The post where I try to learn more about Twitter

A simple question today, best answer gets a stick of bubblegum.

WHAT THE FUCK IS TWITTER?

Everyone is on this thing. People follow and shit. Does this help me make more blogging money? Is this where I write that I just spent 46 minutes taking a shit? Is there porn?

Naive guy looking for a good response in the comments, please.

Jimmy Rollins and girlfriend to appear in Playboy

Don't let that headline fool you. Jimmy Rollins isn't taking his clothes off, nor, unfortunately, is his hot girlfriend, Johari Smith.

But the two will be in an upcoming issue in a non-sexy, non-naked, non-cool kind of way.

Jimmy Rollins is one of the most dapper Phillies, and he and girlfriend Johari Smith will appear in a Playboy fashion feature, most likely in the June issue and on video on Playboy's Web site.

The couple modeled sportswear, swimwear, and resort wear for photog Nicola Majocchi at Miami's Glasshaus Studios on Feb. 13.

Playboy, while it does give us beer and hooker money each month, is not the coolest thing in the world like you thought it was when you were 12. It is a real magazine, with real articles, real features and real editorial decisions.

Yeah. It's like being told Santa doesn't exist.

[Philly.com via Ben Maller]

This is March MADNESS!

This year's NCAA Tournament has yet to provide the magic of March, so we turn to the CollegeInsider.com Postseason Tournament for our heroics. The video is of last night's quarterfinal game between Oakland and Bradley. The Golden Grizzlies hit a jumper with 0.9 seconds to break a 73-73 tie. Then, the Braves Theron Wilson inbounded the ball to Chris Roberts.

Lee Hall from Peoria, Illinois' WEEK News 25 with the less-than-adequate highlights.




"One shining moment..."

Morning Headlines: WBC Championship

Most mornings, we'll lead off the day with some AM headlines -- but not your traditional ones. Rather we'll focus on one game or story and write headlines that are completely inconsequential and insignificant to the outcome of the game. We'll give a few examples and then you'll play in the comments. Best headline (read: the one that makes us laugh the hardest) will get a shoutout in this space the next day. We'll provide the box score for the game as that can lend itself to plenty of content. Let's have some fun. The more insignificant, the better!

Monday's winner: Mr. Ace of The Toolshed with: Ira Brown's 2 points are the difference in Zags victory.

[Japan-Korea box score].

-Korea ties game in ninth on clutch single

-LA fans stay for duration of game

-Darvish's strong 9th and 10th earns the win

Your WBC headlines in the comments.

Where I have no idea how to talk to girls, Arizona makes it to the Sweet 16 and there's nobody here named Ray

OK, we're down to 16, there's no Cinderella, my pool is fucked like a Vietnamese masseuse and my rooting interests have been reduced to apathy and indifference.

But what fucking gets me the most is that Arizona is now among the 16 teams left still playing meaningful basketball. (Say what you will about the NIT, but don't kid yourself). The Wildcats were probably the most talented team in the Pac-10 this year with three future NBAers, yet didn't have any real business being in the tournament in the first place. But they got a great draw, playing an over-seeded Utah team and then lucking out by getting Cleveland State rather than Wake in the second round. So an Arizona team that finished tied for fifth in a mediocre league and couldn't even win a game in the conference tournament is the only Pac-10 team left standing. FUCK. THAT.

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Eric Devendorf looks like a cross between Kid Rock and Edward Norton from American History X. Why hasn't someone taken a cheap shot at him yet? He talks shit, beats up women and probably masturbates to swastikas and trailer parks.

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The TV at my gym was tuned to TNT yesterday showing a movie starring that guy from Friday Night Lights and Ichiro. Some hot Asian pussy in it though.

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Speaking of Asian pussy, I went to a club in San Francisco. Hey-o!

I then went to another club and realized it's a good thing I have a girlfriend because I am absolutely incapable of talking to girls.

Cute girl: Hey, I'm Jessica.
Me: Hi.
Cute girl: So what are you guys up to tonight?
Me: About 11:30.

I think I then asked the girl to buy me a drink and told her that I don't like small talk but I'd let her suck my dick if she wanted.

But I had killer conversation with the bouncers.

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Gus Johnson gets the blog love. Bill Raftery has his onions. But I really enjoyed the team of Craig Bolerjack and Bob Wenzel in Boise. Those guys have good chemistry, call a clean game and have pretty good insight. Give them more action next week, CBS.

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Those Nike ads are good. The one with the North Carolina car speeding in Illinois; the UConn Business School kid in a UW house; the former Syracuse factory manager who won't hire a Ray. Your favorite?

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What were they thinking putting games in the Metrodome and in Miami? Playing a game in a football stadium is like playing in a giant hot air balloon. Those games looked empty (even on the main level) and you could tell that Gus Johnson wasn't really that into it. Bad location for big games.

Meanwhile, the games in Miami felt like preseason games. The crowd was just dead (perhaps, in the old folks capital of America, literally) and it really seemed to bring down the excitement of the games.

Best location? I'd go with Dayton.

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We now have to wait three more days until more Tourney action. Um, NIT?

Morning Headlines: Gonzaga-Western Kentucky

Most mornings, we'll lead off the day with some AM headlines -- but not your traditional ones. Rather we'll focus on one game or story and write headlines that are completely inconsequential and insignificant to the outcome of the game. We'll give a few examples and then you'll play in the comments. Best headline (read: the one that makes us laugh the hardest) will get a shoutout in this space the next day. We'll provide the box score for the game as that can lend itself to plenty of content. Let's have some fun. The more insignificant, the better!

[Gonzaga-Western Kentucky box score].

-Zags rally to erase halftime deficit

-Bench pivotal, but Hilltoppers fall

-WKU doesn't use all timeouts, win

Your second-round gems in the comments.

Let's dance

One of the best things about our old job -- where we worked horribly shitty hours on nights and weekends -- was that days like today, we could watch most of the tournament uninterrupted.

Not the case anymore. We'll be away from a computer, TV and any source of Internet for much of the day, speculating who's sweating out a tough game, who's blowing someone out, and what Mid-Major is already getting fitted for that slipper.

But for everyone who will be near technology, welcome to the best day of the year!

Going to work? Good luck getting anything done. If you do more than five minutes of real, actual work, ask for that raise. If your boss catches you watching games on your computer, well, we'd go the route of reasoning with him. If your boss ain't cool with sneaking in eight hours of hoops coverage, he is an asshole and probably runs an Indonesian child porn ring on the side. If your asshole boss does catch you, try saying one of these things.

Or, as we talked about last week, DON'T GO TO FUCKING WORK! Today and tomorrow should probably be national holidays, but unfortunately we get Columbus Day instead. FUCK THAT!

Really, though. If you (and every other person in every other office in every other city) does 15 minutes of work today, the world won't fall apart. It will only get stronger.

Today is a day for people to bond. Make a new friend in the office. Learn more about your secretary who went to Villanova. Maybe even get tight with your cool boss who's a huge Michigan State fan.

Just soak it in. There's today and tomorrow and then we have to wait another full year -- a year full of doing actual work -- before enjoying the true Madness again. Be excited, root hard, and please don't let your team have a tragic fucking loss. That would really take the fun out of it. And today is supposed to be filled with fun.

Let's dance...

Maria Sharapova involved in MTV show?

Peanut butter and jelly. Ham and cheese. Porn and lube.

Maria Sharapova and MTV was a match just waiting to happen, except it wasn't and no one can really be sure why the two would pair up. But nonetheless...

Maria Sharapova will serve as executive producer of a drama series for MTV that is loosely based on her life on the pro tennis tour, a well-placed source said. MTV has agreed to the concept, but Sharapova, who is working on the project with her agent and screenwriters, must first produce a pilot that MTV agrees to, the source said. Sharapova in 2007 had an agreement with the CW network, but that deal fell apart with last year's writers strike

The show, if it materializes, will probably have music in the background legitimizing the fact that MTV is still called Music Television.

[Sports Business Journal via Ben Maller]

This Michael Strahan to star in FOX sitcom rumor might have some legs

We told you last month that those high-paid creative execs at FOX might have outsmarted themselves again by trying to involve former Giants star Michael Strahan in a new sitcom.

Well, that rumor might be coming to life. Way to follow through with those bang-up ideas!

Former pro football player Michael Strahan, who now serves as a football analyst for "Fox NFL Sunday," is trying out his sitcom chops.

Strahan is set to star in the laffer pilot "Brothers" (working title), which Fox greenlit on Friday. Also set to star: Daryl "Chill" Mitchell ("Ed"). Ted Wass is attached to direct.

"Brothers" will star Strahan as a retired NFL player who returns to his hometown and starts working to reconnect with his family -- especially his brother (Mitchell), who is confined to a wheelchair following a car accident

Sounds like a homerun. (Touchdown?) It's bound to make it to at least a fifth episode.

[Variety via Ben Maller]

An interview with that leprechaun from Leprachaun

Today is Saint Patrick's Day, which is an excuse for people who aren't Irish, Catholic or don't like the color green to pretend they're Irish, Catholic and like the color green. They also drink excessively because it's an excuse to drink excessively. We caught up with a real-life leprechaun who we later learned wasn't actually a leprechaun.

The Big Picture: Thanks for joining us, Mr. Leprechaun.
Leprechaun: Sure.

TBP: Is that the proper way to say it? Mister Leprechaun? Or would just "Leprechaun" be correct?
Leprechaun: I think either one is fine.

TBP: So what's it like being a real-life leprechaun?
Leprechaun: I wouldn't know. My name is Warwick Davis.

TBP: WHAT?
Leprechaun: I'm an English actor.
TBP: WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Leprechaun: (Sigh).

TBP: Do Leprechauns typically get work in Hollywood?
Leprechaun: I'm an actor. That is my profession. I was in a number of movies. Maybe you heard of Willow.

TBP: No way! You're that midget from Willow! What was the name of your character in that movie?
Leprechaun: Willow.

TBP: Madmartigan seemed like an asshole. Is he like that in real life?
Leprechaun: That was Val Kilmer.

TBP: The chick in that movie was hot. Didn't it suck being shorter than her.
Leprechaun: No.
TBP: Did Kilmer nail her?
Leprechaun: I don't know.

TBP: General Kael was pretty cool. Do you ever dress up as him to fulfill your wife's fetish?
Leprechaun: No.

TBP: You were in the movie Leprechaun, right?
Leprechaun: Yes.
TBP: That movie sucked. Who in the world thought it was a good idea to make five more of them?
Leprechaun: I don't know.

TBP: You've also been in movies like Harry Potter and The Chronicles of Narnia. Don't you think you've been typecast?
Leprechaun: Not really.

TBP: Back to Leprechaun. Did you know Jennifer Aniston was in that?
Leprechaun: Yes.
TBP: How many times a day did you masturbate to thoughts of her in your trailer?
Leprechaun: I didn't do that.

TBP: Is your whole body proportional?
Leprechaun: Pretty much.
TBP: Wow. That sucks. Do you jerk off with tweezers?
Leprechaun: No.

TBP: In Willow when you had to protect the baby, Elora Danan, don't you think the relationship you had with her was borderline molester?
Leprechaun: Not at all.

TBP: What's the difference between a dwarf and a midget?
Leprechaun: Well, typically we like to be called...
TBP: So you're saying there's no difference?
Leprechaun: No.

TBP: Mini-Me seems to get a lot more pussy than you. Is it because he's taller?
Leprechaun: No.

TBP: What's up with Leprechauns and gold? Is it a greed thing?
Leprechaun: I'm not sure.

TBP: I have a buddy who said he'd rather bone a chick with one arm than a midget. Do you take offense to that?
Leprechaun: Not really.

TBP: When your wife asks for you to reach for the flour way in the top cupboard and you have to step on a chair, do you kinda feel like a pussy.
Leprechaun: No.

TBP: Is it more embarrassing being a Leprechaun or not being able to go on a roller-coaster?
Leprechaun: Neither is embarrassing.

TBP: Thanks for joining us. Happy Saint Patrick's Day.
Leprechaun: You're welcome.

Stanford women get hosed

We don't follow women's hoops much aside from scouting potential poon and waiting for UConn's Geno Auriemma and Tennessee's Pat Summitt to either get in a fight or hook up.

But noticed when the bracket for the Women's Dance came out that Stanford, which is ranked No. 2 and won the Pac-10 regular-season and tournament, didn't get a No. 1 seed. We sorta figured -- again, we've put about six seconds of thought into this -- that the Cardinal would have been on the one line. Here's the full bracket for all of your betting needs.

Stanford does have a nice draw, though, opening in San Diego and then playing in the Berkeley regional. (Hey, we're 10 minutes from there! Maybe we can go break some laws with the Tree!) So Stanford can get to the Final Four without leaving the state.

Still, hosed.

Elsewhere in Title IX, that's Candace Parker who plays in the WNBA. She's in the news because she's pretty hot and is pregnant with a 7-foot-2 child. And in the ESPN Magazine article there's this lede graf:

Candace Parker is beautiful. Breathtaking, really, with flawless skin, endless legs and a C cup she is proud of but never flaunts. She is also the best at what she does, a record-setter, a rule-breaker, a redefiner. She is a woman who plays like a man, one of the boys, if the boys had C cups and flawless skin.

Strong reporting. Coulda sworn they were large Bs.

'...And for three hundred...'

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

St. Mary's snubbed?

Biggest gripes Sunday were St. Mary's getting left out, Arizona getting in and the ever-going saga of Major vs. Mid-Major.

We'll try to leave our opinions out of this and open it up to you. We get the impression the Gaels (whose gym we use to ball in while in high school) were the first team out while Arizona and Wisconsin were the final ones included.

Let's take a looksy:

St. Mary's:

Record: 24-6 (10-4 WCC)
RPI: 47
Record vs. RPI top 50: 2-3
Good wins: Utah St., San Diego St. (neutral), Providence (neutral)
Bad losses: UTEP (neutral)
Last 10 games: 7-3
Intangibles: Star Patty Mills missed five weeks with a broken hand. SMC was 18-1 prior to injury.

Arizona:

Record: 20-13 (9-9 Pac-10)
RPI: 58
Record vs. RPI top 50: 6-10
Good wins: Kansas, Washington, San Diego St., Gonzaga (neutral), UCLA, USC
Bad losses: At Stanford
Last 10 games: 5-5
Intangibles: 'Cats lost five of six down the stretch with big man Jordan Hill banged up.

Wisconsin:

Record: 19-12 (10-8 Big 10)
RPI: 47
Record vs. RPI top 50: 4-10
Good wins: Ohio State, Illinois, Michigan (twice)
Bad losses: At Iowa
Last 10 games: 7-3
Intangibles: Beat only one ranked team.

Two spots. Three teams. Who should be in?

Who the fuck is Stephen F. Austin?

We love March Madness not only for the exciting basketball, the office pool, and the bracketology, but also for the exposure that all these random, almost unheard of colleges get when they earn the auto-bid from their no-name conference. But seeing all these small schools inevitably brings up the question of who these schools are named after.

Stephen F. Austin State University is going dancing for the first time ever after winning the Southland Conference tournament. The Lumberjacks were the top seed in the conference tournament for the second straight year, and they finally broke through for their first NCAA tournament appearance. So it begs the question: Who the fuck is Stephen F. Austin?

No surprise here: Stephen Fuller Austin is the namesake of the capital of Texas, Austin. He's known as the "Father of Texas" after leading the colonization effort in the area that later became the state. He first brought colonists to Texas in the 1820s, and soon became an empresario (someone who was allowed to settle in Mexican land, but had to recruit and take responsibility for new immigrants). He brought hundreds of families to Texas and guided the formation of a government and armed groups (precursors of the Texas Rangers). He was involved in Mexican and Texan politics until his death in 1836. Three years later Texans built the city of Austin and made it their capital.

So it seems this guy was pretty important. No wonder they named a state university after him. Why they're known as the lumberjacks is a story for another day.

And no, Stephen F. Austin State University is not in Austin. It's in Nacogdoches. Fitting.

Blind Résumé

It's March! Fuck yeah! Hoops, baseball, NFL Draft talk...we're exiting one of the worst stages of the sports year and entering one of the best. We're finally getting into college hoops and the bubble talks; it took about a month longer than normal. Who's gonna dance? Who are the last four out?! With Selection Sunday less than a week away, it's time to start using the phrases, "Bubble Watch," "Tournament Résumé" and "Auto Bids" on a daily basis. So all this week we'll be playing Blind Résumé. We'll present two bubble teams' résumés and your job is simple: In the comments, say which team deserves to get in and which one doesn't. (If you think both are in -- or out -- suggest who you think has the better profile). You might know who these teams are, but don't spoil it for the rest of us. Since this is one of those blind item things, check back at 3 p.m. Pacific each day as we'll post the true identities in the comments.

Team A:

Record: 26-7 (15-5 conference)
RPI: 41
Strength of schedule: 106
Against RPI Top 50: 3-2
Last 10: 9-1

Team B:

Record: 20-10 (10-6 conference)
RPI: 64
Strength of schedule: 70
Against RPI Top 50: 2-5
Last 10: 8-2

Who's punching a ticket?

Morning Headlines: Syracuse-UConn

Most mornings, we'll lead off the day with some AM headlines -- but not your traditional ones. Rather we'll focus on one game or story and write headlines that are completely inconsequential and insignificant to the outcome of the game. We'll give a few examples and then you'll play in the comments. Best headline (read: the one that makes us laugh the hardest) will get a shoutout in this space the next day. We'll provide the box score for the game as that can lend itself to plenty of content. Let's have some fun. The more insignificant, the better!

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!?! ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!? ALL THEY WANTED TO DO WAS GO TO BED! IT'S FUCKING 1:22 IN THE MORNING! SEAN MCDONOUGH IS GOING TO SLEEP FOR ABOUT 10 MINUTES!

I can't think of a crazier, more epic game that last night's Big East quarterfinal. Six OTs. INSANE! The only thing that would have made it more exciting was if it were a small-conference championship game or a game between two bubble teams fighting for their tournament lives. This essentially was a seeding game, with not all that much on the line. BUT THEY JUST WANT TO GO HOME! Meanwhile, West Virginia will get a Syracuse team that took over 100 shots Thursday, played nearly an extra game and has legs that resemble those of Gumby.

If this isn't March Madness, what is?

Wednesday's winner: Anonymous with: Alou: 'I'm proud of the way our guys showed up for the big game. We lost to a great team tonight. We lost to Goliath.'

[Syracuse-UConn box score].

-Orange pull away late to upset Huskies

-Boeheim: 'West Virginia will give us all we can handle'

-Upset in Big East tournament not thought to shake up seeding too much

Holy shit. Take a breath. Now go write some headlines.

Blind Résumé

It's March! Fuck yeah! Hoops, baseball, NFL Draft talk...we're exiting one of the worst stages of the sports year and entering one of the best. We're finally getting into college hoops and the bubble talks; it took about a month longer than normal. Who's gonna dance? Who are the last four out?! With Selection Sunday less than a week away, it's time to start using the phrases, "Bubble Watch," "Tournament Résumé" and "Auto Bids" on a daily basis. So all this week we'll be playing Blind Résumé. We'll present two bubble teams' résumés and your job is simple: In the comments, say which team deserves to get in and which one doesn't. (If you think both are in -- or out -- suggest who you think has the better profile). You might know who these teams are, but don't spoil it for the rest of us. Since this is one of those blind item things, check back at 3 p.m. Pacific each day as we'll post the true identities in the comments.

Team A:

Record: 20-9 (9-9 conference)
RPI: 40
Strength of schedule: 38
Against RPI Top 50: 5-7
Last 10: 4-6

Team B:

Record: 19-8 (11-5 conference)
RPI: 43
Strength of schedule: 66
Against RPI Top 50: 1-5
Last 10: 7-3

Who's dancin'?

Why was Dwight Freeney anywhere near Dr. Phil and his soap box?

We've stated our admiration, respect and liking for Dr. Phil before. Usually stepping up on his high horse to talk to the bottom rungs of society, Dr. Phil talked to some gold diggers (hot, by the way) and dressed up Freeney in a limo outfit as some kind of freaky fetish thing, we think. Or to find out how genuine the women are. But probably the fetish thing.

From the Indy Star via Ben Maller:

Colts defensive end Dwight Freeney is an excellent limo driver incognito.

Just ask two women who flew to Los Angeles to discuss their gold-digging natures with TV self-help guru Dr. Phil. The guests didn't realize the man in the limo driver outfit was a famous football player with a $76 million contract.

We naturally didn't watch the episode because anyone with an IQ higher than that of a tomato doesn't watch Dr. Phil. But you can see some previews for the episode here.

The gold diggers are hot chicks who Freeney probably thought about banging, realized they were gold diggers, then went ahead and banged them anyway.

Or that's what we would do if we were Dwight Freeney or our life were a porno. Or go the Bahamas. That, too, would be nice. Probably some nice gold diggers there.

The Robert Morris Colonials could also be called the Colonists or the Brits

There are a number of usages of the word "colonial" in college athletics: The George Washington Colonials, the Colonial Athletic Association, the Robert Morris Colonials.

No teams named the Colonists, though. And tickle us silly, Colonials and Colonists are the SAME FUCKING THING!

Also: Robert Morris was a Brit who financed the Revolutionary War, chaired the Pennsylvania Committee of Safety and signed his name on the country's most important documents. For his efforts, a university in Moon Township, Pa. (Moon Township?!? Really?!) was named after him.

So now you know a little more about Robert Morris. And knowledge is power!

Can we officially declare Notre Dame and Georgetown the biggest disappointments of the season?

Georgetown capped off a disappointing Big East campaign with a "we gave up weeks ago" loss to St. John's Tuesday, while Notre Dame went quietly to West Virginia Wednesday, putting any talk of the bubble to bed.

Probably a good thing for teams looking at five or six seeds. While both Georgetown and Notre Dame had 14 losses, they'd both be scary first-round games for teams expecting a cake-walk in the first round.

Rough season to root for either team.

Notre Dame, ranked No. 9 in both major preseason polls, was thinking Final Four early on. They had the weapons. Strong inside play from possible Big East POY candidate Luke Harangody complemented nicely by the outside game of Kyle McAlarney. But losing seven straight midseason really fucked up those Final Four talks.

Georgetown lost a lot to the draft. Bigs Roy Hibbert and Patrick Ewing Jr. are tough to replace, dammit! The Hoyas made it as high as No. 12 in one poll, but then couldn't really remember how to win, losing seven of eight in the middle of the season.

The Big East was going to be brutal. Everyone knew it and the league showed just why. But you gotta win the big games to be talked about positively in March. Georgetown and Notre Dame fell victim to the league. And while talented and strong, they'll be watching March Madness from home.

5 Ways to Skip Work for the Opening Round of March Madness

We dare you to name two more entertaining days of sports than the first two days of the Dance. Tons of games throughout the day, Cinderellas and CBS' fantastic broadcasters.

Call it an injustice to the 9-5er that the bulk of the Opening Round is during the work day. Watching the tourney becomes a challenge for the common worker to outsmart the boss and get the day off. All the more reason to go for that promotion: when you're your own boss, you can do whatever the fuck you want.

So, the top five legit ways to get off work during the First Round of the NCAA Tournament:

5. Get a Vasectomy

Totally legit if you're willing to go through with it. Much talk around the blogosphere yesterday about how an Oregon institute is encouraging men to get a vasectomy this week so they can spend next Thursday and Friday "recovering" (with frozen peas, beer and brackets!) on the couch.

Downside: You just got a fucking vasectomy!

4. Call in Sick

You have the sick days, so might as well use them.

But even if next Wednesday you're puking, have a temperature of 103 and are covered in a nasty rash, people will still know you're full of shit when you're out Thursday.

Downside: Everyone knows you're a filthy liar.

3. Car Trouble

The phone call:

You (on your couch): Hi, I'm on the freeway and my radiator just went. There's steam everywhere and I think I smell gas. If the car doesn't blow up it'd be nothing short of a miracle. The tow truck is on its way, but I think I'm stuck today. And I have a feeling the same thing will happen tomorrow.
Boss: Why don't you take the bus?
You: I don't want to catch Syphilis.

Feel free to add legitimacy to this fake call by turning the volume up on a YouTube video of a NASCAR race to simulate the car sounds on the "freeway."

Downside: Probably only good for one day of the Dance. You'll have to take public transportation the next day or get a "rental" (your roommate's car) to really sell your excuse.

2. Schedule a Vacation in Advance

Planning ahead is brilliant! You know the dates of the Opening Round months before the games. So, in September give them notice that you're taking a family trip sometime in late March. They'll never know what him 'em.

Downside: Might lose some vacation days. Seems like a small price to pay...

1. Family Emergency

Call in Thursday morning saying there's been an emergency in the family. That's all you'll have to say.

If you have a boss that questions that, you need a new job. Most asshole bosses are sympathetic enough not to give you flack about something that is clearly important.

Got a nosy secretary? Your boss ask questions? Feel free to come up with a cover story when you're back on Monday. Whatever it is, not only will you have watched every single game of the tourney, you'll now have the office's sympathy, too.

Downside: Karma?

Ideas, suggestions, stories all welcome in the comments. We're all in this together, folks. Let the madness begin!

Blind Résumé

It's March! Fuck yeah! Hoops, baseball, NFL Draft talk...we're exiting one of the worst stages of the sports year and entering one of the best. We're finally getting into college hoops and the bubble talks; it took about a month longer than normal. Who's gonna dance? Who are the last four out?! With Selection Sunday less than a week away, it's time to start using the phrases, "Bubble Watch," "Tournament Résumé" and "Auto Bids" on a daily basis. So all this week we'll be playing Blind Résumé. We'll present two bubble teams' résumés and your job is simple: In the comments, say which team deserves to get in and which one doesn't. (If you think both are in -- or out -- suggest who you think has the better profile). You might know who these teams are, but don't spoil it for the rest of us. Since this is one of those blind item things, check back at 3 p.m. Pacific each day as we'll post the true identities in the comments.

Team A:

Record: 19-12 (9-9 conference)
RPI: 52
Strength of schedule: 32
Against RPI Top 50: 5-8
Last 10: 6-4

Team B:

Record: 23-6 (11-5 conference)
RPI: 45
Strength of schedule: 145
Against RPI Top 50: 2-3
Last 10: 7-3

Morning Headlines: Netherlands beats Dominican Republic

Most mornings, we'll lead off the day with some AM headlines -- but not your traditional ones. Rather we'll focus on one game or story and write headlines that are completely inconsequential and insignificant to the outcome of the game. We'll give a few examples and then you'll play in the comments. Best headline (read: the one that makes us laugh the hardest) will get a shoutout in this space the next day. We'll provide the box score for the game as that can lend itself to plenty of content. Let's have some fun. The more insignificant, the better!

Monday's winner: JMC with this: Carolina wins final tuneup for ACC tournament.

[Netherlands-DR box score].

-Netherlands now with 2-1 mark in pool play

-Reyes 1-5 from leadoff spot in loss

-Netherlands overcome Schoop's four K's, odds

Your WBC best in the comments.

An interview with Tyler Hansbrough

Tyler Hansbrough made ACC history Monday as the first player in the conference's history to be unanimously selected four times to the all-conference team. This doesn't change the fact that he kinda sucks.

The Big Picture: Thanks for joining us, Tyler.
Hansbrough: Sure. Great to be here.

TBP: Does anyone call you Ty?
Hansbrough: No.

TBP: When people call you Ty, is that confusing?
Hansbrough: I just said that no one calls me that.

TBP: Do people confuse you with Ty Lawson?
Hansbrough: No.
TBP: Is it because you guys look sort of similar?
Hansbrough: I don't think you're listening to me.

TBP: The ACC is a strong conference. Don't you think that Clemson coach Oliver Purnell looks like Louis Gossett Jr.?
Hansbrough: I don't know who that is.
TBP: ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS?!
Hansbrough: Yes.

TBP: Did you see Toy Soldiers?
Hansbrough: No.
TBP: There's that part where a bunch of dudes call one of those sex phone numbers. How often do you do that?
Hansbrough: I've never done that.

TBP: Do you masturbate to yourself in the mirror?
Hansbrough: No.

TBP: People call you Psycho-T. Don't you think that sounds like a band that would be like a worse version of Metallica that spends too much money on the sets at their live shows?
Hansbrough: Maybe.

TBP: Do you make girls call you Psycho-T when you're having sex?
Hansbrough: No.
TBP: Really?
Hansbrough: Yes.

TBP: Roy Williams seems like kind of an asshole. Do you think his ancestors were slave owners?
Hansbrough: Absolutely not.

TBP: Do you take offense to the Facebook groups titled Euthanize Tyler Hansbrough and Hansbrough Eats Babies?
Hansbrough: I have a thick skin.

TBP: Do you eat babies?
Hansbrough: No.
TBP: What about with barbecue sauce?
Hansbrough: No.

TBP: What do you say to people who say you resemble a mentally handicapped mannequin?
Hansbrough: No one's ever said that to me until now.

TBP: If you had to have sex with a dead person, tree or mentally handicapped mannequin, which would you choose?
Hansbrough: Would the dead person be hot?
TBP: Probably not.
Hansbrough: The dead person.

TBP: Some mock drafts have you going to Sacramento towards the end of the first round. Are you afraid that you might get shanked by Francisco Garcia?
Hansbrough: No.

TBP: Bobby Frasor's gay, right?
Hansbrough: I don't know.

TBP: Are you and Tyler Zeller brothers?
Hansbrough: No.

TBP: Ben Hansbrough is your younger brother. When you were little did you ever make him dress up like Raggady Ann?
Hansbrough: No.

TBP: Thanks for joining us, Ty. Good luck in the NCAA Tournament.
Hansbrough: Thank you.

Blind Résumé

It's March! Fuck yeah! Hoops, baseball, NFL Draft talk...we're exiting one of the worst stages of the sports year and entering one of the best. We're finally getting into college hoops and the bubble talks; it took about a month longer than normal. Who's gonna dance? Who are the last four out?! With Selection Sunday less than a week away, it's time to start using the phrases, "Bubble Watch," "Tournament Résumé" and "Auto Bids" on a daily basis. So all this week we'll be playing Blind Résumé. We'll present two bubble teams' résumés and your job is simple: In the comments, say which team deserves to get in and which one doesn't. (If you think both are in -- or out -- suggest who you think has the better profile). You might know who these teams are, but don't spoil it for the rest of us. Since this is one of those blind item things, check back at 3 p.m. Pacific each day as we'll post the true identities in the comments.

Team A:

Record: 18-12 (10-8 conference)
RPI: 69
Strength of schedule: 44
Against RPI Top 50: 2-8
Last 10: 4-6

Team B:

Record: 21-9 (9-7 conference)
RPI: 55
Strength of schedule: 84
Against RPI Top 50: 4-4
Last 10: 5-5

A-Rod likes his women in lingerie

Nice little tidbit from Page Six about our little steroid-hip-surgery friend and his taste for lingerie and strippers, though the strippers don't directly have anything to do with this post.

Alex Rodriguez knows how to treat the various women in his life: "He's been going into Victoria's Secret for the last seven months and buying $1,000 gift cards, sometimes five or six at a time. He must be giving them out like candy."

But to who? Or is it whom? Either way.

A-Rod and Cynthia have been divorced since late September, meaning he's been buying some presents for other women since then. Madonna? That stripper friend of his? Jeter?

The way we read that quote, we infer that the "five or six at a time" line means he's got an entourage of pussy that he's covering up with the finest lace and cotton on the lingerie market.

[NY Post via Ben Maller]

My two-foot cock and I get interviewed

Up and coming blog That's So Lame interviewed me about me. The blog is about all things that are lame, so being the first interview subject, I can only imagine it's because I'm lame. Shucks.

Here's a snippet of the interview:

That's So Lame: You recently said that you hate Jews. Why do you hate Jews?
The Big Picture: I don't.

That's So Lame: We heard that if you were to ever go to prison you'd be down to be someone's bitch.
The Big Picture: I never said that.

That's So Lame: You once told a story of the time you gave a girl a Texas Chili Dog. You did that, right?
The Big Picture: No.

So there's part of the interview. Go read the rest of it here (permalink not working, so might need to scroll down a post or two). Leave a comment and say hi. Ask about the chili dog. Hear it's to die for.

Blind Résumé

It's March! Fuck yeah! Hoops, baseball, NFL Draft talk...we're exiting one of the worst stages of the sports year and entering one of the best. We're finally getting into college hoops and the bubble talks; it took about a month longer than normal. Who's gonna dance? Who are the last four out?! With Selection Sunday less than a week away, it's time to start using the phrases, "Bubble Watch," "Tournament Résumé" and "Auto Bids" on a daily basis. So all this week we'll be playing Blind Résumé. We'll present two bubble teams' résumés and your job is simple: In the comments, say which team deserves to get in and which one doesn't. (If you think both are in -- or out -- suggest who you think has the better profile). You might know who these teams are, but don't spoil it for the rest of us. Since this is one of those blind item things, check back at 3 p.m. Pacific each day as we'll post the true identities in the comments.

Team A:

Record: 22-9 (9-7 conference)
RPI: 49
Strength of schedule: 85
Against RPI Top 50: 2-6
Last 10: 4-6

Team B:

Record: 21-10 (10-8 conference)
RPI: 61
Strength of schedule: 79
Against RPI Top 50: 6-8
Last 10: 5-5

Naked bike riding is good for the Earth

The World Naked Bike Ride kicked off this weekend in Australia and South Africa with many people taking off their clothes and riding bikes which sounds sort of like this porno we once saw that didn't involve bicycles.

Thousands of bike riders are shedding their clothes in the hopes that they can get us all to stop and think about the negative effects that cars (and the pollution they create) have on people and the planet.

The economy currently has many negative effects on the world, too, so to rectify that, Tuesday is go-to-work naked day. (Good day to work at Hooters, bad day to work at a boys-only Catholic school).

Naturally, the WNBR has a frequently asked questions page ranging from the practical, "Won't it hurt my genitals?" to the missing-the-point, "What should I wear?"

The WNBR is going on in the Southern Hemisphere right now but will be hitting New York and LA in mid June. Get your bicycles and genitals ready!

The requisite early-March Conference Tourneys Suck post

We've said it multiple times since we've been writing this site: conference tournaments suck.

They're fun -- double OT in the Ohio Valley! OT in the Missouri Valley! Porn in the San Fernando Valley! -- but completely unfair to the top teams and gives the lower teams a second life to reach the Dance.

Of course the only reason for these tourneys is money. TV deals, ticket sales and other revenue dollars that come from extra games could be the reason why Kentucky gets in the dance (by winning the weak SEC tournament) or UConn loses a No. 1 seed (by getting knocked off in the brutal Big East prematurely).

For teams like Pitt, UConn and UNC, all the conference tournament will do is give those teams a chance to lose their top seed. There's no room for improvement with those teams, only room to fall.

The conference tournament, while we're talking No. 1 seeds, makes a little more sense for Oklahoma. The Sooners play in a league with two divisions (which we feel is the only type of conference where a conference tournament makes sense), but OU will also have a chance to show they're the best team in the Big 12 when healthy. (Big 12 tourney sucks for Kansas though).

Things are fun in the small leagues. Often the tourneys are at the top seed's home site, so you don't get the bullshit "neutral" sites that have the feel of NBA games with the larger leagues. That home-court advantage makes perfect sense as it gives an added advantage to a team who has already proved it's the best team in the league.

But, as inherent by that last sentence, the top seed in a small conference has already proved it's the best team in the league. WHY THE FUCK DO THEY HAVE TO DO IT AGAIN???

Jacksonville, 1-26 in 2005-06, gets run out of the gym by Eastern Tennessee State and misses a chance to go to the Dance for the first time since 1986 despite being the Atlantic Sun's top seed. But hey, you get to play in the NIT, Dolphins! Hooray!

So welcome to Championship Week where things don't make sense, grown men cry and you can use words like Hilltoppers, Robert Morris and Rider and not sound like a fucking idiot.