Foul Ball Etiquette

It's not easy getting a foul ball. Some people go to hundreds of games and leave with nothing but a lighter wallet. If you're lucky enough to be in foul-ball range, here's some proper etiquette to make sure you don't get jumped in the parking lot.

6a. Put down your fucking beer if you're serious about getting a ball.


There are three beers in that picture, two of which will surely spill on someone who won't get the ball. Put the beer down, put on your glove and act like a professional.

6b. Bring a glove -- if you don't, get the fuck out of the way.

Like seriously, bring a glove. People will think you're a true fan and not some corporate schmuck who is giving downtown ballparks a bad name.

5. Don't steal the ball from the kid when the umpire tosses it in the stands.


That poor girl doesn't stand a chance at getting the ball. If you're making a leaping grab on an Albert Pujols liner, fine. But when the ump casually tosses the ball to the crowd in between innings, let the little kid have the glory. Baseball is for the kids, after all.

4. If you chase a ball down the aisle in section 406 during a day game at Dolphin Stadium, do not pat yourself on the back.


I could get a foul ball in the nosebleeds at Marlins game while simultaneously jerking off, online shopping and making a peanut butter sandwich. If you happen to get an easy one, sit right back down and enjoy the rest of the game.

3. If you make a good catch, don't jump up and down like an idiot; act like you've been there before.

You've brought your glove, are in position and then Matt Kemp rips one in your vicinity and you leap and get it! Great catch, dude, but you didn't help the home team win. Enjoy the applause as you happily sit down without making a scene.

2. When do you have to give the ball to a kid?


Tough question. Let's decipher this from a few angles:

If you're at the game with your kid:

ALWAYS give the ball to your kid. Wanna pay for years of therapy down the road? Fuck. No. Make a leaping one-handed grab? And it's your FIRST EVER?!?! Give it to your kid.

If you don't have kids, but there's a kid sitting close by:

1. Make a leaping one-handed grab? And it's your FIRST EVER?!?! It's yours. Keep it, frame it and send a text to your GF who won't give two fucks that you caught a foul ball.

2. The ball bounces off three people, rolls down the aisle and it accidentally lands in your hand? Your call. But karma says give it to the kid. If not, a flat tire's coming your way.

3. The ball bounces off the kid's glove right in front of you, rolls down the aisle and accidentally lands in your hand? No-brainer. Give it to the kid.

If it's Adults-Only Night and there is no kid anywhere in the stadium.

Doesn't matter the circumstances. Give it to your girlfriend. You might actually get laid.

1. Don't pull a Bartman.


If you reach into the field of play,

1. Leave the stadium immediately
2. Find the nearest train tracks
3. Wait
4. Keep waiting
5. Stare the train down
6. Move at the last minute.
7. (If a repeat offender) don't move at the last minute.

Any omissions in the comments, please.