5 Fantasy Baseball players you want to bludgeon with, well, a baseball bat

Two fantasy posts in one week? What are we? Baseball Prospectus? Oh, heavens, no. We have far less credibility, money and stale writing. But yes, two fantasy posts in one week. That's what happens in May when you refuse to touch the NBA Playoffs.

Clearly our fantasy team sucks more dick than a pornstar, so one of these guys is naturally on our team; surprisingly not more. The top five guys who are ruining your fantasy team (stats through Monday):

5. Lance Berkman, OF, Houston, Average Pick 20.4:


Berkman fell to you in the third round and despite taking Grady Sizemore in the first round, you had to take a second outfielder because you went with the best player available. Instead, you have a .184 average, seven homers, and 16 RBI. But cool catch, dude.

4. Josh Hamilton, OF, Texas, Average Pick 9.9:


No alcohol or cocaine jokes here. The .242 average, two homers and 10 RBI are funny enough. More of a laughing matter: Hamilton missed the last two weeks with strained rib cage. (He'll be back any day now).

3. B.J. Upton, OF, Tampa Bay, Average Pick 17.1:


We could easily go the B.J. ain't getting any BJs with a .167 average, no homeruns and three RBI route, but instead we'll suggest he needs the extra BP and maybe a new set of batting gloves.

2. Mark Teixeira, 1B, New York Yankees, Average Pick 12.5:


New contract, new ballpark, new struggles. $180 million now buys a .198 average, seven homers and 17 RBI.

1. Jimmy Rollins, SS, Philadelphia, Average Pick 13.4:


If the umpire had Rollins on his fantasy team like we do, he'd call that pitch a strike. A .195 average, one homer and only one stolen base make Rollins the top bust of the early 2009 season. We spent a first-round pick on him; others did too. And now we want to beat him with a rosin bag.

Your praise, hate-filled disagreement and fantasy angst in the comments, please.