Why the home team would get its ass beaten by the Devil Rays

You root for the Mariners, do you? Well, they can go suck a dick. Yankees? There's a bridge. Jump off it. Oh, you root for the Royals? Ooh, sorry. Hard times. But you suck as much as they do.

Us? We root for the Giants. Why? Fantastic question. Can't be that exciting offense. Not the optimism that comes with a youthful team. Probably something about going to Candlestick Park before we could a.) walk, b.) talk, or c.) give bedroom eyes to that busty chick who's not sure why you stretch in the middle of the seventh, but makes a point to stretch a bit too suggestively, makes us pull for the hometown team.

But no more.*

The nation's rooting interests should collectively be turned towards Tampa Bay, where the Devil Rays' compilation of young talent is like a box of chocolates without any of those truffles with the fucking nuts and berries inside; no bad pieces.

The outfield of Carl Crawford, Delmon Young and Elijah Dukes can't be topped. And we love B.J. Upton at third, in a non-committal kind of way.

[A somewhat-related aside: Dukes' father is in jail for murder. Fucking murder! Second-degree to be exact, and it's thought that his troubled past is responsible for his anger-management problems. His troubled past might also be responsible for him being able to beat the shit out of a baseball.]

Our suggestion you root for the D-Rays might be a bit much. We feel we've been telling you what to do too much lately. That's a bit pushy of us. It's only Tuesday, after all.

But if you're looking for a new team to root for, or just a secondary club to follow, we can't recommend the D-Rays enough.

And below is a video of the K.C. Royals' Joey Gathright jumping over a Mitsubishi Galant before he proceeds to sleep with 126,345 women (at the same time) because he just jumped over a Mitsubishi Galant. Gathright used to be with the D-Rays.

Figures.

*Not a truthful statement.