Coach Calipari is a Tiger, not a Wolf (pack)

Memphis coach John Calipari won’t be the new basketball coach at North Carolina State, The Big Picture has learned.

While we haven’t asked Calipari about his reasons (or his involvement in Waste Management during the off-season), we do have a pretty good idea as to what the Tigers' coach was thinking when declining the offer:

-I like Raleigh, but I’m a tad skeptical about this Tobacco Road. That might be difficult to drive on.

-And how exactly do you recruit players who live there? Teleport?

-Hmm…play Duke and North Carolina every year or Tulane and Rice?

-Hmm...get out-coached by Mike Kwzt#osh&aow$grz and Roy Williams or out-coach Dave Dickerson and Willis Wilson?

(Editor’s note: those are, in fact, the real head coaches at Tulane and Rice. We can’t believe it, either.)

-Darius Washington Jr. is comin’ back, right? We’ll probably be a good free-throw shooting team then.

-They gunned down former NC State stud Julius Hodge. So, if I take this gig, am I next?

-Herb Sendek was being criticized here for going 148-108 in eight seasons and running a Princeton-style offense. What’s gonna happen when we — as an entire wolfpack — have 21 points at halftime against UNC(LA)?

-Wait, Sendek chose to leave?…and he picked Arizona State! (Yes, they do have a basketball program. We’re not exactly sure why). Something doesn’t add up here.

Like Coach Cal taking the N.C. State position, we presume.

In Other News: Miami’s Shaquille O’Neal recorded a triple-double last night with 15 points, 11 rebounds, and 10 offers to star in Kazaam 3: I'm a big fucking genie.

-Adam Landres-Schnur