Cohen wins short program, joins Team Germany

U.S. figure skater Sasha Cohen is having an identity crisis.

Tuesday night in Torino (which was probably sometime yesterday between when you were pondering suicide in your board meeting and checking out provocative pictures of Jenn Sterger) Cohen slipped past world champion Irina Slutskaya of Russia by a slim margin of .03 points in women's figure skating.

Cohen is from America, claims she's American and looks American. But for some reason she just likes Germany. Perhaps she was a fan of the Third Reich or something, which seems a bit bizarre seeing as her last name is Cohen and all.

"I just believed in myself," Cohen said. "I am going to believe in myself and expect the best."

She just may choose to believe that she was born to German people who ate nothing but bratwurst and drank hefeweizen.

Sources in Torino say that Hitler wasn't in the audience rooting on Cohen because, he's, ugh, dead. But beyond the grave, Hitler gave Cohen his full support, and she gave him, and the rest of the German nation, a cheerful salute.

Editor's note: We here at The Big Picture are Jewish and find this to be humerous and certainly do not intend for it to be offensive. But if you, the reader, finds this any bit offensive, please let us know and we'll see about taking this post down.

In other news: UConn avoided a big upset from Notre Dame after Huskies' coach Jim Calhoun ate Charlie Weis.