If only the July 31st trade deadline applied to the rest of the working world

The professional sports business can toy with human lives unlike any other profession. "We don't see you in our future plans, son, so we're shipping you to Kansas City." This, of course, is magnified the most on this day every year: The July 31st Major League Baseball trade deadline, a day where bosses trade their commodities for goods and services. (Before sports, they called this the slave trade.)

We're big Deadline Day fans and wish it applied to all professions. Consider these 11th-hour deals that would change the make-up of your office.

The Attitude Dump: He's the burnt-out company lifer. Been with The Company for 26 years. Doesn't know anything else, or how to do anything else. But he's slipping. Production is down, bad attitude is up. It's weighing on the rest of the staff. So HR offers him a "retirement package." A few weeks later, a similar company comes calling about him, in need of an experienced pro. So HR pulls him out of retirement, trades him, and is off the hook for health benefits. It's a change of scenery for the employee and an addition-by-subtraction for The Company. 2009 MLB Equivalent: Pirates send Ian Snell to the Mariners.

The Salary Dump: The Company has just lost its No. 2 client. Profits are marginal. Layoffs are becoming a realistic possibility. Time to "reorganize." So HR sends the flashy 30-something Account Executive with an impending raise to the Dallas office in exchange for two unpaid interns and promotes from within to fill the hole. 2009 MLB Equivalent: Indians send Cliff Lee and Ben Francisco to the Phillies.

We Both Win: Employees are loyal at The Company. With a reputation of promoting from within, the staffers stay. But now those interns from back in 2002 are Account Executives. And those Account Executives hired in 2002 are still Account Executives. The Company has too many Account Executives. But its Payroll Coordinator just went on maternity leave. The Company gets on the phone with The Business, an in-state group in a different sector, who is rumored to be in need of some AEs. The Business is flush with Payroll Coordinators so a deal is struck and both sides are happy. 2009 MLB Equivalent: A's send Matt Holliday to the Cardinals for Brett Wallace and others.

We Need Help NOW and Will Mortgage the Future: Things at The Company are heating up. A recent write-up has landed The Company some new business. Nail these new projects and the Best Business of the Year Award could be yours! The Company decides they're going for it. They aren't there yet, but the goal is within reach. HR assesses the staff and decides it needs to bring in a Senior Vice President with 15+ years of experience to head the new projects. Stock full of AEs, HR sends two packing for Detroit which needs younger parts. The new SVP will get the job done, but will be retiring at the end of the year. 2009 MLB Equivalent: Giants send Tim Alderson to the Pirates for Freddy Sanchez; Anyone who trades for Roy Halladay.

Happy Trade Deadline Day, you weasels. Now go trade that brainy IT guy for a smokin' hot Administrative Assistant.

What may be Brian Sabean's 2009 version of Francisco Liriano, Joe Nathan and Boof Bonser for A.J. Pierzynski...

...Tim Alderson for Freddy Sanchez.

"Oh...fuck," is pretty much the reaction coming from Giants fans. McCovey Chronicles says the Giants overpaid; The San Francisco Chronicle's Bruce Jenkins says it doesn't feel quite right; SI.com's Cliff Corcoran doesn't like this coming after Monday's Garko trade.

We say: FUCK ME WITH A PAIR OF HEDGE CLIPPERS.

Freddy Sanchez is a good hitter. He'll improve production from the two-hole. He'll probably get a few base hits, maybe even sometimes more than one in a game. But he'll get singles and doubles and singles and then, two batters later, Benjie Molina will come up and still hit into a double play.

For Tim Alderson, one of the Giants' -- and baseball's -- better pitching prospects, the Giants land a guy we confuse with Felipe Lopez. (We're not really sure why).

Alderson for Victor Martinez? Maybe. Alderson for Cliff Lee? Yeah. Alderson for Albert Pujols, Matt Holiday and Chris Carpenter? If they threw cash the Giants' way, yes.

Alderson for a .300, 10-homer guy? We'll be holding our breath. Brian Sabean should be holding his, too.

And for an extra bag of peanuts the Phillies could've had Victor Martinez too

All the Indians could get for Cliff Lee, who has a very affordable price tag for next year, was four Phillies prospects who aren't major-league ready? We're looking for answers too, pal.

Discussion starter: Who's more pissed today? Cleveland fans who just lost their top pitcher, or every other front office in baseball that just found out how affordable Lee really was?

Debate.

Fuck you, you cum-guzzling media whore. Go jump in front of a fucking truck.

Brett Favre, pictured, is pretending to be upset about pretending to retire for probably the 84th time.

Brett Favre is worse than Pete Rose. He's worse than Michael Phelps. He's worse than Barry Bonds. He's worse than Michael Vick Chris Henry.

Go eat a field of cock you piece of rat shit. I hate you the way Subway hates Quiznos; the way dogs hate cats; the way husbands hate their wives.

Thank you for not being relevant during the football season. This way we can focus on real, actual football while you keep your soap-opera bullshit where the fuck it belongs.

Well if those aren't two misleading stories

Click for larger view

The top headline says, "Buehrle sets record, retires 45 straight." This is true in that after throwing a perfect game, he followed it up with 5.2 innings of perfect baseball. THEN HE GOT FUCKING ROCKED!!! He finished with 6.1 IP and 5 ER. He got the loss. Go fuck yourself, Mark Buehrle. (Not actually. He's OK). What's annoying is the linked story mentions how great he is and the writer practically felates him with his words, failing to mention that HE GAVE UP FIVE FUCKING EARNED!

Next headline down says, "Giants LHP Johnson out at least 3 weeks." That would be fantastic. Oh, but actually read the story and you get this instead:

The 303-game winner, who was transferred to the 60-day disabled list, won’t pitch again in a game until early September, if at all.

Goodie. We went from three weeks to MIGHT NOT FUCKING PITCH AGAIN!!! Big difference. Meanwhile, three weeks is 21 days. There is no 21-day disabled list especially when YOU'RE ALREADY ON THE MOTHERFUCKING 60-DAY DL!

This looks strange

Hey, wait a sec...

(Papelbon also gave up three runs in the bottom of the ninth to blow a save. Fantastic.)

Study: Curveballs safer to throw than fastballs, heroin good source of vitamin C

So you want to pitch for the Big League Cardinals one day, kid? Better start working on your curve. It's not that bad for your arm. Less stressful than throwing fastballs. Trust us, science says so! They did a study on it! Two studies!

Each study concluded that curves are less stressful than fastballs and, based on the data collected, contributed little, if at all, to throwing injuries in youth players.

There's also this: Birds don't really fly, the world is actually flat and smoking a pack of cigarettes a day can add up to 10 years to your life.

But this is a scientific study, done by doctors and SCIENTISTS, it has to be true. Right? RIGHT?!?!

So – and we're just thinking out loud here – what these studies are saying is that when a kid's elbow blows up because he's been throwing curveballs since he was eight, it wasn't the curveball that led to the torn ligaments?

“I don’t think throwing curveballs at any age is the factor that is going to lead to an injury,” said Glenn Fleisig, the chairman of research at the American Sports Medicine Institute in Birmingham, Ala.

We don't know Glenn or his background, but we do know that HE'S A FUCKING SCIENTIST! AND HE SAYS THROW FUCKING CURVEBALLS ALL DAY LONG YOU LITTLE RASCALS. START DOING IT WHEN YOU'RE SIX. FUCK THE HEAT. THROW THE BREAKING BALL. THROW THAT SHIT ALL. DAY. LONG.

So listen closely, kiddos: Coach telling you to throw the gas? Shake that dickhead off and THROW THE FUCKING CURVE.

Except don't. And don't do drugs. Those will fuck you up worse than curveballs.

One night of stand-up: who ya seeing?

The Phils and Jays are playing the "Give us him! Nope, he's off limits, how about him instead?" game which is about as exciting as reading a Dictionary; the Cubs are streaking; some guys got inducted into the HOF...boring sports weekend if you ask us.

Instead, let's talk about stand-up comedy. Love it. You get drunk and are in an atmosphere where you're giggly before anyone starts talking. Can't watch it on TV -- something about being there in person makes a huge difference.

We saw D.L. Hughley a while back -- very funny! -- and have upcoming tickets to go see KEVIN FUCKING NEALON! (We're big into Weeds).

Your Monday question: if you have one night to see ANY comedian, who are you seeing?

-Consider the size of the room/crowd. (You're not going to see Chris Rock at a dive comedy club, for example.)
-Price is not an issue
-You're seeing this person in their peak
-You're drinking but not wasted

Give us your people (and any appropriate YouTube clips) in the comments.

Adieu Mr. Holliday

he following is written by David Kamoe, a life-long sports fan whose sister is a close friend. David is an avid A's fan, wen to to high school with Drew Gooden and can't believe that Giants commentator Mike Krukow used to refer to the right-centerfield expanse at Pac Bell Park as "Finley Alley," referring to Steve Finley who remarkably wore a Giants uniform for a season. David will likely be stopping by these parts a few times a month, so treat him right. And no sister jokes.

As news came across ESPN's ticker that the A’s had traded Matt Holliday to the Cardinals for 3B Brett Wallace, OF Shane Peterson, and RHP Clayton Mortensen, it wasn't something unexpected. Frankly, when the news came across the proverbial wire, my first thought was, “Well, about time.”

When the A’s traded Greg Smith, Carlos Gonzalez, Huston Street, and Alan Embree to the Rockies for Holliday in the off-season, I had mixed emotions. Gonzalez and Street were both two good young players with Street having been the 2005 Rookie of the Year. Smith was an up-and-coming lefty who was victimized by a lack of run support and Embree was a journeyman out of the bullpen. I didn’t think about the A’s not keeping Holliday through the end of his contract. Every media outlet did that. I just watched him play and wanted to see how good he was up close and personal.

At various points during the season, I felt as though Holliday was “lollygagging” on some plays. I can’t prove this any more than I can prove Newtonian theories. When it came out that Holliday had done a radio interview during which he said he’d like to be “on a contender,” I resented it. I understand that in the modern baseball era, players will think about getting moved in order to improve their chances of winning a ring. What got me was that Holliday never seemed to be trying to hide it.

Even during the A’s comeback against the Twins on Monday, even after hitting a game-tying grand slam, he seemed non-plus. Listening to Holliday be interviewed on the A’s post-game show, I had it crystallized. He sounded very much as though it was just another game. Now I know that he had played a crazy game with the Rockies against the Marlins where the Rockies and Marlins played a Coors Field special that ended something like 19-17. The fact is that when Holliday hit the grand slam and afterward, he seemed bored.

The old adage is: “Act like you’ve been there before.” Even if Holliday had been in a similar situation once, “Get excited!” as puppet Lebron James said. Maybe I’m too naïve, maybe I expect too much out of athletes. I just like to think that an athlete is capable of being overcome with emotion when something unexpected happens during a game, match, etc.

As usual, Bill Simmons on ESPN expressed this idea well, although he did in terms of the Red Sox. The 2009 Sox, he noted, were like Timothy Hutton’s girlfriend in Beautiful Girls. “A good solid seven and a half” but nothing that stood out. The A’s equivalent of this is Miguel Tejada. Miggy was an open show of emotion at the drop of a hat. Sometimes, I’m sure this pissed off various opponents and that he should have been more reserved. Holliday’s problem seems to be that he was only reserved.

And now he's back in the National League. Where he belongs.

Friday! FUCKING FRIDAY!!!

The lovely Christy is here to help bring in the weekend...

That was a horrible call to end the perfect game

If you've read TBP before you're probably aware of how much we hate terrible sports announcers, specifically ones on FOX like a guy whose last name starts with B and ends with Uck and it's Joe Buck. So you can imagine how appalled we were to hear the way clowns on Comcast Sports Net called the end of Mark Buehrle's perfect game yesterday.

"Alexeiiiii, YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! HISTORY!"

Let me remind you, Ken Harrelson, that you are an announcer and not a fan. Maybe you should do your job and actually describe what is happening. Clearly this is a big deal, only the 18th perfect game in history, so it's fine to be celebratory and excited, but that was just way over the top. Contrast that with the excited yet reserved call of Duane Kuiper when Jonathan Sanchez threw his recent no hitter.

"Strike three called! Jonathan Sanchez has thrown a no hitter here at AT&T park!"

Yes. We're homers for the Giants and we think their announcers are some of the best in the business. But this isn't about giving a tug-job to our favorite announcers, it's pointing out the difference between an announcer that can be a fan of his team and still do his job well, and a moron who just screams and yells and forgets all about his responsibilities. Great for Buehrle, bad for Harrelson. No surprise, if you read the article about Harrelson, it talks about how he's known as a big homer. And I still wish Kuiper had said "here in San Francisco" instead of "here at AT&T park."

LeBron slid over late and some kid you've never heard of threw down a dunk that was by no means dunking on LeBron

We hear "LeBron got dunked on" and we want to see balls in LeBron's fucking face. Kinda like this. That video, which was the big blog buzz Wednesday, is hardly James getting posterized. He sorta tried to play defense and the guy simultaneously had a dunk. Not really dunked on. Semantics, we guess.

Meanwhile, this "story" of the video being released, merited four posts from Deadspin today. That seems a bit much, no? We pulled the video from With Leather, which is the only major sports blog without bullshit these days.

It still only counts for 1 point, you fucking assholes

See more funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor.

Ooh, we're awfully surly today. Maybe it's because the Giants forgot how to play baseball. Or lack of good porn on the Web lately. (Anyone know what's up with surfthechannelx.com not working right? That shit was a goldmine before it went cold).

The above video, via the wonderful Hot Clicks, is nice and fun and interesting if you like high-school men's volleyball (which is similar to enjoying going down on a girl on her period).

But any editor would have a field day with the video's headline: "Never Ending Volleyball Rally." Well, guess what, asshole, it ends after about one minute and five seconds. There's nothing "never ending" about that.

Perhaps "long," "exciting" or "high-intensity" volleyball rally would be more accurate.

Elsewhere, what's up with "The Neverending Story." Is that still going or what?

Ten-run deficit? Sure, why not?

The following is written by David Kamoe, a life-long sports fan whose sister is a close friend. David is an avid A's fan, wen to to high school with Drew Gooden and can't believe that Giants commentator Mike Krukow used to refer to the right-centerfield expanse at Pac Bell Park as "Finley Alley," referring to Steve Finley who remarkably wore a Giants uniform for a season. David will likely be stopping by these parts a few times a month, so treat him right. And no sister jokes.

Often I have sat at the Oakland Coliseum during a lopsided affair. As people around me have stood up and started to walk out, I think the same thing, “You’re going to be sorry when the A’s come back.” Most of the time, sadly, the A’s do not come back. The A’s-Twins game Monday was shaping up to be one of those games. It did not, however, and ended up being one of the wildest things I’ve ever seen. This then is a recap not fully in the style of but certainly inspired by the “retro diaries” often employed by “The Sports Guy” Bill Simmons.

As I settled in with my Gordo’s burrito, I watched Gio Gonzalez getting worked early. Justin Ernest Morneau tagged him for a lightning quick grand slam followed by a Michael Cuddyer solo shot. The A’s were down 5-2 by this point and things were not looking up. When Morneau clocked his second homer, a three-run jack, a white flag may have been in order. Yet there I was, feeling hopeful.

I was on thin ice when the A’s were down 12-2. That a Holliday two-run shot and a Barton two-runner made it 12-7 was encouraging until the Twins scored their 13th run. At that point, the seventh inning, I stood up at took a bathroom break. I returned to my seat just as Morneau overran an Ellis pop up in foul territory. Ellis ended up walking and Cabrera followed with a two-run dunk single to right. When Scott Hairston walked, I got my hopes up way high. With the score now 12-9, I dreamed big and wanted Holliday to hit one out. I even employed an ESPN device of reciting the line from Madonna’s “Holliday” of “Holiday, celebrate.” Dreaming entirely too big, I know.

“Tell it goodbye” were the words out of my mouth as Holliday crushed an off-speed pitch over the right-centerfield wall. If I had planned it, I would have said “Holy Toledo” but Lon Simmons came to mind before Bill King. I had no time to react when Cust hit a soaring-uppercut-induced solo shot following Holliday.

And then was the 9th. When Michael Wuertz struck out Morneau for the second out, I was convinced there would be a clean ninth. Cuddyer stopped that by singling to right and intentionally walked the next hitter. With Delmon Young up, Wuertz spiked a slider into the dirt and off of catcher Kurt Suzuki’s shin guard. The ball ricocheted to the backstop and Cuddyer was on the move. Suzuki scrambled, picked up the ball and threw to Wuertz covering and tagged Cuddyer for the third out. The reality of course is that Cuddyer was safe but the game ended. This is when I came back to Bill King and the “Holy Roller.” If you can find the extended version of that call, you’ll here King say, “Madden wants to know if it’s real. They say yes, get your big butt outta here. He does.”

And so did the A’s.

Something about the reaction to the Erin Andrews mess just seems wrong

We were among the first to give Erin Andrews attention in an objectifying way on a blog. We kept doing it because it's fun to have pictures of a hot chick while simultaneously making penis jokes.

Now that this video has surfaced, many blogs and media outlets are coming out in defense of EA about how wrong and horrible the making of this video was. And it is wrong and awful and sorta hot and vile and wretched. But so is all of the attention we're bringing it.

With the plethora of blog posts now dedicated to this incident, we're bringing more attention to this mess than it deserves. If this happened to Shelley Smith we don't think anybody would really care. Had this story not been reported ad nauseam by blogs and now mainstream media, we (and likely many others) would have never even known about this.

And, naturally, with every post saying how wrong this is, there's a nice picture of EA to remind you that she's cute and innocent and pretty attractive, all at the same time. (That's why we chose a photo of Inés Sainz, instead. She's totally hotter anyway).

At the same time, while all the blogs are citing this an act of the devil, anyone who's ever written about EA has had their traffic increase significantly the last few days. She's currently holding the No. 4 and 5 spots on Google Trends because people are trying to go masturbate to this video. So while this is an awful, tragic, horrible, disgusting, blah, blah, blah event, our traffic has increased about 100% since Saturday.

Should we feel guilty? No. Sometimes we feel guilty that we mix milk and meat and that we used to listen to 311. But to have written about her a while back in a tongue-in-cheek way is fair game.

Taking illegal videos of her is not. Nor, should it be, bringing a ridiculous amount of attention to something that has nothing to do with any of us. This is something for lawyers and courts. Let's stick to what we know best: sports and dick jokes.

Unadulterated Ice

The following is written by David Kamoe, a life-long sports fan whose sister is a close friend. David is an avid A's fan, wen to to high school with Drew Gooden and can't believe that Giants commentator Mike Krukow used to refer to the right-centerfield expanse at Pac Bell Park as "Finley Alley," referring to Steve Finley who remarkably wore a Giants uniform for a season. David will likely be stopping by these parts a few times a month, so treat him right. And no sister jokes.

The NHL network does not have a glut of programming available to it. Unlike the NFL and MLB networks, the NHL network generally shows a collection of 30-minute or hour-long specials talking up players, coaches, teams, or announcers. The only time it varies is during the All-star break when they heavily covered the events in Montreal, during the draft, and simulcasting hockey from TSN, CBC, and occasionally Rogersnet. All this is fine. The NHL network is not an old entity and in time may develop programming much the same as the NFL and MLB networks. On July 19, 2009, however, they took a new step and in doing so provided a thought.

The NHL network replayed the fifth and final game of the 1979 Stanley Cup finals between the Montreal Canadiens and the New York Rangers. The game was played at Montreal’s venerable Forum. This was the first time I have ever sat down and watched a game featuring one of hockey’s hollowed buildings. Part of what drew me to it was former Canadiens goalie Ken Dryden. Dryden, who was playing in his last game that night, went on to pen the book The Game. If you haven’t read it: do so. It is a fantastic look at both hockey, Montreal, and the inner workings of perhaps the most storied franchise in sports.

What stood out for me was not Dryden in the nets, Lemarie and Robinson on the wings, or Shutt and Savard up front. What caught my eye was what was not there. The boards at the Montreal Forum had not one advertisement on them. The ice only bore the classic logo of the Canadiens at center ice. Only by looking into the stands did someone see an ad for Molson beer.

These days, every arena, ballpark, and court has advertisements all over them. This is especially confusing in hockey where the contrast of the ice and the vulcanized rubber puck is how the sport can be followed on TV. Sure, the advent of HD has helped immeasurably but the ads are too much.

Going back to Dryden and The Game, there is an anecdote in it where Dryden talks about playing in the 1976 hockey game between Canada and the USSR. The game was to be televised on CBS but the NHL felt it needed more income. To supplement their income, they sold advertising space on the boards. The CBS brass was so incensed that they deliberately shot the game so as to not show the ads. I still shake my head when I think about this fact.

The problem is that there is too much money to be had with advertising and the NHL is not a cash cow. That being said, the NFL -- which does consider itself an endless moneymaker—is completely dictated by ads. Thus, the Super Bowl is a stop and start event better watched at home and the seventh game of the Stanley Cup is an edge-of-your-seat thriller good on TV and great in person. C’est la vie.

A few minutes on Entourage

This is pretty much how we explain Entourage to anyone who's never seen the show: it's not funny, it's not dramatic, the characters aren't likable, yet it's very entertaining.

Usually "entertaining" doesn't get Emmy nods, however Entourage has become very popular and we're never quite sure why.

But let's get the good out of the way: Jeremy Piven is fantastic. He's funny, sharp, and probably pretty accurate. You also want to fuck his wife.

Meanwhile, you have the, well, entourage, consisting of Drama (Kevin Dillon), Turtle (some fat fuck) and E (that dude who looks like the guy from Rudy who also plays a hobbit in that make-believe movie, but isn't.) that brings about as much to the show as an extra.

Drama is quite possibly the worst character in television. About five minutes into any episode, you're waiting for Anton Chugirh and Darth Vader to team up and do what they do best. He like tries to be funny and sensitive and stubborn but most of the time you just want to jam the hobbit in his ass. He's the reason why some kids aren't allowed to watch TV.

Turtle, not so easy to escape our wrath, is an overweight, obnoxious stoner. That has it's time and place -- like in Santa Cruz or on Spring Break -- but as a major character on a TV show, the developers, while molding the show, really just thought, "Fuck it. Token stoner guy. We'll get a non-threatening fat guy to play him. Done. Let's go do some lines."

And, of course, the Season 4, Episode 7 synopsis:

Ari has a lead on a script for Vince, but E has his reservations. Drama blows his audition and gets over it by getting wasted with Turtle and playing video games. They eat at an overpriced restaurant.

That story arc is pretty similar to that of the Season 2, Episode 5 show and EVERY OTHER FUCKING EPISODE THIS SHOW HAS PRODUCED.

Of course the show makes you want to be a movie star and put your penis in anything that resides in LA. Like, seriously, every fucking girl in Entourage is a model. The talent agency's secretary? Perfect 10. The chick running the valet? 11.

Now we've been to LA. Lots of good-looking people. You get off the plane at LAX and you're ready to masturbate again. But there are also people who live in LA, like grandparents and Dodgers fans, who you don't want to do X-rated things to. They're just regular people. Regular people live in Los Angeles.

So, we call BS, Entourage. Not every chick is hot. And Drama is a fucking asshole.

Morning Headlines: A's 14, Twins 13

Most mornings, we'll lead off the day with some AM headlines -- but not your traditional ones. Rather we'll focus on one game or story and write headlines that are completely inconsequential and insignificant to the outcome of the game. We'll give a few examples and then you'll play in the comments. Best headline (read: the one that makes us laugh the hardest) will get a shoutout in this space the next day. We'll provide the box score for the game as that can lend itself to plenty of content. Let's have some fun. The more insignificant, the better!

WOW! Talk about an Ikea Game! The Twins blew a freakin' 10-run lead by giving up seven in the 7th! Holy shit! Meanwhile, it took a blown call on a slide at the plate in the 9th for the A's to avoid a 14-14 tie. ROLLERCOASTER! Someone is burning down that fucking mall right now. And if we were Twins fans, we'd bring the gasoline.

[Oakland-Minnesota box score].

-Gonzalez gets a no decision in A's win

-Redmond's two hits squandered in loss

-Geren: 'Suzuki stepped up big for us tonight'

Someone made a horribly insensitive peehole video of Erin Andrews, which is wrong and illegal and WHY THE FUCK ARE WE JUST HEARING ABOUT THIS?!?!?

Um, someone made a peephole video of Erin Andrews nude in her hotel room last week. This is a violation of privacy and this is wrong and awful and terrible and illegal and ERIN ANDREWS WAS FRIGGIN' NAKED ON VIDEO!

Wonder if she was practicing her open in front of the mirror with mike in hand. That could have been exciting. Beats curling her hair.

Just shows you how out of the loop we are during the summer. We work 12-hour days, many of which are away from a computer, and we had no idea this happened until now and it's too late to go see the cached video.

Though we wouldn't want to do that anyway because this is so horribly wrong and sick and a violation of everything. She was naked though! That shit could sell! But it's wrong and horrible and awful.

Your requisite "Ichiro is hitting .350+" post

Ichiro is unfuckingbelievable. Like really. Just when you feel like you haven't heard his name for like two months, you decide to check the leaderboards and discover he's hitting .359 (entering Sunday) with six homers and 19 stolen bases. He's hitting .359 and you're like, "Oh, he's hitting .359. So what?"

Apathy because the guy can just hit. Sometimes it seems he doesn't get all the credit because he's trapped in Seattle and isn't a huge U.S. media darling because he's not from the U.S. and doesn't really speak English.

In 8+ seasons in the bigs, he's never hit below .300, with his "worst" year being a measly .303 in 2005. (Ironically, that was his biggest HR year, totalling 15).

Time to start comparing him to the best pure hitters ever? Ted Williams? Tony Gwynn? Where does this guy stand in terms of all-time hitters?

If he had a high, squeaky voice à la Tony Gwynn, we think things would just be better for everyone really.

Captain Pussyman to have lots of rooms for pussy pleasure at new Tampa home

That photo is of Derek Jeter's new Tampa home in its early construction stages. Whoa, whoa, whoa, big house! Seven bedrooms, nine bathrooms and plenty of other places for Captain Pussyman to get wild with an array of Tampa beauties (like a pool and seven bedrooms and nine bathrooms and 32 living rooms.).

It might be the biggest house in all of Florida (probably not, but close). From the Tampa Tribune:

Designed with a whopping 30,875 square feet of space, the seven-bedroom, nine-bathroom waterfront home dwarfs nearby mansions and could end up the largest home in Hillsborough County. It's roughly the size of a BestBuy electronics store and twice the size of the previous No. 1 house, just across Hillsborough Bay on Bayshore Boulevard, owned by Lazydays RV SuperCenter founder Don Wallace.

The size of a BestBuy?!?! Hope he gets lucky in the camcorder section. That would be sweeeeet.

But in all seriousness, that's an obnoxiously-big house and totally unneccesary when YOU LIVE BY YOUR FUCKING SELF!

He'll probably throw nice neighborhood barbeques though. Captain Pussyman is very neighborhood-y.

Lucky mustaches, powder blue jerseys and real, friggin' grass!

The following is written by David Kamoe, a life-long sports fan whose sister is a close friend. David is an avid A's fan, wen to to high school with Drew Gooden and can't believe that Giants commentator Mike Krukow used to refer to the right-centerfield expanse at Pac Bell Park as "Finley Alley," referring to Steve Finley who remarkably wore a Giants uniform for a season. David will likely be stopping by these parts a few times a month, so treat him right. And no sister jokes.

As we are at the All-Star Break (or were like two days ago), I found myself with a collection of thoughts and not the ability to stretch them out into lengthier posts. Thankfully, however, we are in the moment of the “tweet.” Thus, this is a smorgasbord of thoughts that may or may not be hilarious. Pick what you want, skip what sucks, and mind the sneeze guard.

The St. Louis Cardinals pitching staff: It has come to my attention that the St. Louis Cardinals pitching staff has started growing “lucky mustaches.” I am all for it. Not merely because I hate the fact that the Yankee mandate about no long hair. What is funny and yet all at once obvious is that the Cardinals bench coach is Dave Duncan. For those of you that don’t know, Dave Duncan was the primary catcher of the 1972 Oakland Athletics dubbed by Oakland Tribune writer Ron Bergman: the Mustache Gang. All I ask is that Duncan or his son Chris grows one. Please.

Another thought from the All-Star game festivities: As ESPN scanned the crowd at Busch Stadium, one saw fans in the St. Louis Cardinals mid-80’s jersey in all its powder blue glory. Because I grew up in the 80’s, I have nostalgia for powder blue jerseys such as these and those worn by the Minnesota Twins and Montreal Expos. The best example, however, were the Kansas City Royals who have brought back the jerseys but not the pants. Bring back the powder blue pants of George Brett and Bo Jackson Kansas City!

The Oakland Raiders: This year marks the fifty anniversary of the Oakland Raiders. It has been twenty-six years since the Raiders won the Super Bowl and then they were Los Angeles. Long gone are the days of guys named “Assassin”, “Snake”, “The Ghost”, and “The Mad Bomber.” What is further gone is the rivalry that existed in the 1970’s between the Raiders and the Pittsburgh Steelers. It had everything: great nicknames, great coaches (Madden and Knoll), theme songs (!), and voices (Myra Cope and Bill King). The sad fact is that I’m not sure the swagger of the Raiders and the rugged meanness of the “Steel Curtain” can be recaptured. Phooey.

Grass in Toronto: There used to be Exhibition Stadium in Toronto, Ontario. From 1977-1989, it stood as the home of the Toronto Blue Jays. In 1989, the Jays moved into the then Sky Dome. From 1989-1993, Sky Dome/Rogers Centre was sold out and the Jays made the playoffs several times and one two titles in ’92 and ’93. What bothers me, however, is the fact that it has a retractable roof but artificial turf. This is a quibbling point, but a city like Toronto should have natural grass. Maybe that’ll persuade Doc Halladay to stay. Well, maybe.

Nothing happened in sports yesterday so let's talk about movies

About a month ago we mentioned starting a new series all about movies. We haven't written about movies since. Guess that was an empty promise.

But we stopped in a Blockbuster yesterday and, by golly, THERE IS NOTHING TO FUCKING RENT. LOOK AT THE MOVIES WE HAD THE CHANCE TO GET:

"Night Train" starring Danny Glover
"Two Lovers" starring Joaquin Phoenix and Gwyneth Paltrow
"Meet Dave" starring Eddie Murphy
"An American Crime" starring Ellen Page
"Deception" starring Hugh Jackson
"What Just Happened?" starring Robert De Niro
"In the Electric Mist" starring Tommy Lee Jones

WHAT ARE THESE MOVIES?!?! WHY ARE THESE ESTABLISHED, RESPECTED ACTORS MAKING MOVIES THAT AREN'T REAL?!?! WHY ARE WE STILL WRITING IN CAPLOCKS?!?!

Did we miss the boat on these, or are credible actors starting to make straight-to-DVD movies? "What Just Happened?" More like "when the hell was this fake movie with a good actor made and why didn't we see previews on the television set for it?"

Color us confused. Maybe we were hiding in a cave six months ago when they were in the theaters (we weren't and they never were, we don't think, anyway).

We picked "Push" off of the shelf but realized that movies like that are why people cut themselves. That should be your straight-to-DVD movie. "Push." Please.

There are just absolutely no movies worth renting (are we wrong? If so, help. PLEASE!), so we went with "Friday Night Lights" Season 2 Disc 1.

You know what the cover of "Friday Night Lights" Season 2 Disc 1 suggests? That this is a show about football, with football coaches and football players and other things that involve football, like first downs and touchdowns and referees and Fridays and lights and FOOTBALL GAMES.

You know what "Friday Night Lights" Season 2 Disc 1 is about? NOT FOOTBALL. This show is a bigger soap opera than "Days of our Lives." And there are like six characters or so we'd strangle with a phone cord. Like Lyla Garrity, played by the mega-hot Minka Kelly. We would do things to Minka Kelly. We would do similar things to Lyla Garrity but take them further until they inflicted pain.

And this story line about these stupid kids killing a guy and then fucking each other because of it even though one is a dufus and the other is a hot/stupid babe? That has never happened in the history of high school. And then like five episodes later they'll be back to their happy-go-lucky ways as if THEY NEVER FUCKING KILLED A GUY! This show abandons story lines about as fast as we'd finish with Minka Kelly.

So yeah, pretty stupid show, but the critics love it and so do some sports fans, apparently. We'd love it if there was more football and more Lyla Garrity not being such a Jesus freak.

Tangent time: Why are all hot chicks Jesus freaks? We once dated a hot Jesus freak. She was soooo hot but soooo into Jesus. And didn't really buy into evolution -- "That's a nice theory," she'd say. "Theory!?!, you super-hot Jesus worshiper?!?! What color is the sky? It's blue. That's a fucking FACT. Know what else is a fact. Evolution. Done." There was no adult touching after that conversation for a long, long time.

Back to "Friday Night Lights" Season 2 Disc 1. The only good characters on this show are the coach, the quarterback kid (but not when he's spitting game at his grandma's caregiver. That's weird and Julie Taylor is smokin' hot and probably tight), the running back who nails the ego thing perfectly and the coach's wife, played by Connie Britton. Connie Britton might be our No. 1 MILF. She is dynnamite on this show. We are very jealous of the actress who plays her infant daughter.

Ok, now help us. What do we need to be watching so our next movie store adventure isn't such a failure? Should we have gone with "In the Electric Mist"? Help. NOW!

That was a lovely rendition of "God Bless Amer..." WHOA! BOOBS! HOLY MACKEREL YOU COULD MOTOR-BOAT THOSE JUBBLIES!

Who is Sara Evans and why have we never seen her jugs before?!?! We are in love with this singer, this artist, this goddess of passion!

We have zero idea what her contribution to pop music is or why she belonged at last night's All-Star game, but holy toledo, we want to meet her doctor and spend the day as her bra.

But get this, Sara Evans, our true love, our soul mate, our inspiration, was born in 1971. Whaaaaaat? This is a lie! Do not lie to us, Wikipedia. She's 24. And a virgin. She's waiting for us. She'll come to California for us. And sing to us all night long until we smother her with a pillow and do things to her that God would certainly not bless.

For the record, we'll call it zero drinks for her, 6 LTs for us to loosen up our vocal chords and a clarinet for fun.

That probably wasn't the All-Star week Albert Pujols had in mind

As the best player in baseball playing the All-Star Game in his home park, Albert Pujols and the St. Louis fans had to be disappointed with the stud first baseman's performance in both the Home Run Derby and the Game. These events were supposed to be about Pujols; the city's hero, the game's hero, in front of the world for two nights.

But his week was a big dud.

After belting just 11 homers in two rounds of Monday's Derby, Pujols went 0-3 and committed a costly error Tuesday. About all the Cardinals fans had to cheer about were a couple of nice defensive plays in the middle innings.

For St. Louis fans shelling out hundreds (thousands?) to go to this week's festivities, they didn't get to see the star they're so accustomed to seeing, the one baseball is used to seeing.

They didn't see much else, either. A lackluster Derby was followed by a short and forgettable game void of any other-worldly performances that fans expect on this day every year (except Obama was there. Dude's a freakin' rock star!). Hard to call it All-Star week after this.

But enjoy today, knuckleheads, one of only two days a year when no American professional sports are played. We could all use the day off.

Morning Headlines: 2009 All-Star Game

Most mornings, we'll lead off the day with some AM headlines -- but not your traditional ones. Rather we'll focus on one game or story and write headlines that are completely inconsequential and insignificant to the outcome of the game. We'll give a few examples and then you'll play in the comments. Best headline (read: the one that makes us laugh the hardest) will get a shoutout in this space the next day. We'll provide the box score for the game as that can lend itself to plenty of content. Let's have some fun. The more insignificant, the better!

Yesterday's winner: Bokolis with this lovely piece of poetry: Man who won house in HR Derby facing foreclosure.

[All-Star Game box score].

-It's in the Cards: Pujols, NL fall to AL 4-3

-Game 1 of 2009 World Series to be held in American League park

-Halladay impresses as trade deadline looms

-2009 All-Star Game about 20 minutes shorter than Home Run Derby

I once had this 3-hour masturbation session

Yeah, it was great. Those were like three very good hours. I could have been more productive or efficient or even given my penis a rest, but I didn't and for three hours things were really nice.


Meanwhile the Home Run Derby took about the same amount of time and nothing happened expect a lot of repetition. I watched about six minutes of it, so my life wasn't wasted the same way it was for many others. But to see Roy Halladay throw as many 95-MPH strikes as he could over the course of three hours would be just about as boring. Or reading a dictionary.

But the All-Star game and all of its events are great. Like how often do I get to Busch Stadium on TV? That place is a fucking museum. Like really gorgeous. I would touch myself to that stadium. You could put a virtual tour of the ballpark on loop and that would make for better TV than watching large men do the same thing as many times as possible.


Still, the All-Star game isn't really very good and everybody sort of hates it and it's kind of a strange thing that it still actually happens. A chili cookoff between Prince Fielder and Nelson Cruz would probably be better.

Meanwhile, were the Bad News Bears playing outfield during the Derby? Those kids couldn't catch a fucking beach ball.

Who's to blame? Bud Selig, probably. And society. We're reinforcing something that is wrong and evil with TV ratings and ticket sales. Shame on us.

Morning Headlines: Home Run Derby

Most mornings, we'll lead off the day with some AM headlines -- but not your traditional ones. Rather we'll focus on one game or story and write headlines that are completely inconsequential and insignificant to the outcome of the game. We'll give a few examples and then you'll play in the comments. Best headline (read: the one that makes us laugh the hardest) will get a shoutout in this space the next day. We'll provide the box score for the game as that can lend itself to plenty of content. Let's have some fun. The more insignificant, the better!

[Home Run Derby recap and tracker].

-Inge a non-factor in Derby

-Pujols: 'This was a great achievement'

-Fielder and Cruz put on 'show' for St. Louis

Your Derby headlines in the comments.

When Segways take over the world

Gob Bluth is fucking terrific. In pretty much every way. He's funny, he's good looking and he treats women like shit. A total catch.

And when you're Gob Bluth, why drive a car when a Segway would do?

He's setting a trend that is slowly taking over the world. I saw some middle-aged dude this morning riding his Segway into the small town where my parents live. Like he was just going for a little ride, picking up a few groceries and then driving home to a happy wife, 2.5 smiling kids and a white picket fence. When your means of transportation is a Segway, you live life a little bit better.

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I spent my money that I earned from turning tricks on an iPhone. I'm not thrilled that I had to make the switch from Verizon to AT&T and frankly everything about setting this thing up has been a pain in my ass.

But I CAN LOOK AT PORN ON MY PHONE!!!!!

Elsewhere, your cool app suggestions in the comments. I have the basics and this thing called Love Calculator which tells me that I am 73% with Erin Andrews.

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A friend recently turned 18 and reader/contributor/sex fiend JMC and I showed him the ways at a Gentleman's Club. The girls were unbelievably hot -- not that I should've been surprised, but I totally was -- and the environment inviting.

Candi's studying nursing. Just one year to go!

It basically reinforced my thought that a strip club manager is a job that all men should aim for. You know those dudes get a sample of the goods before they hire them. I might have to look into if you have to like take a class or something for that.

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Meanwhile, sports are going on. Not many of them. Baseball and a bunch of things that real sports fans don't care much about.

Carlos Zambrano hit his third homer of the year today. That's more than Russell Martin, Nomar Garciaparra and just about anyone on the Giants. He could be trade bait for a team that's looking for a bat and erratic pitcher.

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I happen to like Fat Tire. I find it rich, nutty and flavorful. My buddy, whose taste in beer I respect, said this weekend that he doesn't really like Fat Tire because it sorta tastes like a foot.

Certainly wouldn't choose Fat Tire if I could drink one beer and only one beer. But it'd probably be in my top five.

If you can drink one beer and one beer only, what would it be? If you say Corona, I'm going to be a little disappointed.

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Saw this movie Knowing with Nicolas Cage and a few kids who would be better off with duct tape over their mouths.

It was kinda cool in an eerie, twisty, world-ending kind of way. It wasn't like a good movie or anything but I was enjoying it and then they get to the ending and it seems like they said, "Aw fuck. We have no idea how to end this. Let's just blow shit up and then blame it on aliens." Like seriously, there were fucking aliens that came in with like six minutes left in the movie. WHAT THE FUCK! It would be like watching Schindler's List and then at the end blaming the Holocaust on UFOs.

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Here's the full gallery of Sabrina Jane. Case of the Mondays my ass.

More evidence that the general public has no clue as to who should be an All-Star

Yep, those are the numbers of 2009 All-Star. Eye-popping stats. We're especially impressed with the 99.4% owned in ESPN Fantasy Leagues (not really). But the .375 OBP is solid (not really). The Flyin' Hawaiian became the 33 member of the NL All-Star team after winning the fan vote yesterday.

A quick comparison to the other candidates:

Pablo Sandoval, 3B, Giants - .329, 13 HR, 48 RBI, .381 OBP, .562 SLG
Matt Kemp, OF, Dodgers - .319, 10, 46, .386, .489
Mark Reynolds, 3B, Diamondbacks - .262, 24, 62, .348, .550
Christian Guzman, SS, Nationals - .307, 3, 21, .321, .413

A pretty compelling argument could be made saying Victorino is the least deserving among the vote-in candidates. But he's popular. And the popular kid is an All-Star and gets the girl (and the clap, but that's neither here nor there.). Philly's strong attendance numbers likely helped too. And people hate the NL West. And the Nationals. No one likes the Nationals. And people like Hawaiians. They're totally foreign but they're not. Neat.

So, uggh, yeah, Shane Victorino: All-Star. Can't wait for his 0-1 with a walk.

The Good, the Bad and the Wicked Awful

The following is written by David Kamoe, a life-long sports fan whose sister is a close friend. David is an avid A's fan, wen to to high school with Drew Gooden and can't believe that Giants commentator Mike Krukow used to refer to the right-centerfield expanse at Pac Bell Park as "Finley Alley," referring to Steve Finley who remarkably wore a Giants uniform for a season. David will likely be stopping by these parts a few times a month, so treat him right. And no sister jokes.

Note: The title of this blurb should be read using a semi-decent Bostonian accent a la the movie, "Beautiful Girls.".

On the Sixth day of the Seventh month of the year 2009, the Oakland Athletics prepared to play the Boston Red Sox. The pitching match-up featured A’s youngster Brett Anderson against life-long Atlanta Brave John Smoltz, now of the Red Sox. The subplot to the story was the return of two former Red Sox who happened to have been traded for each other five years prior.

First to the bat was Orlando Cabrera who received a nice cheer from “Red Sox Nation.” They cheered because he was a part of what Kevin Millar dubbed “the Idiots” who won it all in 2004 after 86 years of “almost.” The next ovation went beyond my general dislike of both the East Coast complex of “We’re #1!” and the leitmotif of Boston fans for feeling as though the world’s owed them. When Nomar Garciaparra was announced over the Fenway public address system, “Red Sox Nation” rose up in a lengthy amount of applause. I am not sure that “Red Sox Nation” wanted to see “Nomah” hit a homer as I did, but that he grounded out in his first AB was probably just fine with them.

What was not fine -- or should not have been fine -- was a beach ball in the crowd. This is something I count on seeing at Dodger Stadium or Angels Stadium. Certainly not at Fenway Park with its 97 years of history. Yet there were A's broadcasters Ray Fosse and Glen Kuiper noting a beach ball on the field at Fenway.

This would have been bad enough if it wasn’t for something else that cameras could not shield. As I watched the A’s feed of the game, I saw the crowd at Fenway Park doing the wave. Had I been drinking water, I would have done a Danny Thomas spit take. (Ask your parents. Better yet, Google it.) There can be only one even slightly plausible explanation for this: the Oakland A’s aren’t the same draw they used to be and those that filled Fenway on this Monday evening were members of the extended “Red Sox Nation” and not Bostonians. Were they, however, actual residents of Massachusetts, Rhode Island, Connecticut, Vermont, New Hampshire, or Maine: what is wrong with you? “Red Sox Nation” is considered a “hardcore fan” with extensive knowledge of all things Sox. See Bill Simmons, Ben Affleck, Steven King, et al.

I would offer the story of the late Bill King, legendary broadcaster of Raiders, Warriors, and A’s games and his general dislike of the wave. I could point out the wave is subject to a variety of origins. Instead, I would simply note that the wave is a device used by fans who are bored. If you’re bored, why are you there? People always offer that baseball is too slow. Go watch a football game live and watch the game be completely controlled by a man wearing orange gloves to the elbow.

We're busy with work and other stuff and...you don't care...BOOBS!

Not much to write about and not much time to do it. But enjoy Rachel's eyes. And her hands. Nice fingers. And her hair is nice. And totally awesome tits.

Full jerk material here.

"Good game, fellas. Nice win today...OWWWW, FUCK!"

You're Ryan Dempster, mediocre-to-good pitcher for the Chicago Cubs. It's been a tough season for you and the team. Your 5-5 record and 4.09 ERA is disappointing after an impressive 17-6 mark in 2008, and the team, expected to run away with the NL Central before the season began, is hovering around .500 due to injuries and Milton Bradley.

But things are starting to look up: Aramis Ramirez is healthy and you've just taken three of four from rival Milwaukee. So you begin to celebrate Sunday's series-finale win like you always do: by hopping over the dugout railing to go congratulate the team in the middle of the field.

Except you trip over the railing, fall hard on your foot and break a toe. Now you're out for about a month.

Yeah, major bummer, dude. Cute babe, though.

Twittering during NFL games may be logistically challenging

Pumped Chad Ochocinco plans to Twitter during games this upcoming season. That's sweeeeeeet! Stupid name, Chad 85, but cool you want to Tweet. You can tell us how you just got bumped off a slant route by Samari Rolle and continue to be a disappointing player in fantasy leagues despite being a top-ten receiver selected.

But how, exactly, does Johnson (we're calling him Chad JOHNSON, dammit) plan to use a Twitter-accessible mobile device while on the field? If you recall, Joe OchoSiete Horn got busted when he had one hidden in the goalpost in 2003. He may be able to keep it on the bench, but getting that past the coaching staff and the league won't be easy.

Expect an official ruling on this soon. But if he's able to pull it off, get ready for the fun:

"Just catched bad pass from Carson The Fucker last drive. 8 yards. FIRST DOWN!!!! 3 catches 28 yards. 3rd quarter. 24-6 Baltimore but I KILLIN' TODAY!!!!"

Feel free to fuck around with potential Chad 85 Tweets, kiddos.

Fuck You, Bee

Fuck You, Penguin is officially the funniest site in the history of humor. So we're going to copy it as much as possible -- but in a sports way. They say imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. If you don't think this is funny, well, you suck and once let your dog lick peanut butter off your penis.

So this is how you decide to spice up a Padres game, Bee? You and all your friends couldn't just sit back and let the fans enjoy a nice day at the park. LEAVE THE FUCKING USHER ALONE!

Bees get a bad rap. They really do. Some people use fists, some use coercion and others use humor as defense mechanisms. You, Bee, don't have these options. It's just a tiny little stinger for you. And honey tastes good. So thanks.

Nevertheless, Bee, you sting people and that shit hurts. And some people are allergic and die. That's wrong. You are responsible for killing Macaulay Culkin in My Girl. How can you live with that weight on your shoulders?

Stick to your regional parks and stay the fuck away from our picnics and baseball games, Bee. Or, hell, keep stinging us all you like. The joke's on you, pal.

No, no, no, yes, no, maybe two Long Islands, no, no, yes, three LIs, maybe but probably not

That's your National Champion Washington Huskies softball team on a beach surrounded by palm trees; so either they aren't in Seattle or they are in front of a green screen. Probably not in Seattle.

Uncoached dug up some pictures of your National Champion Washington Huskies and showed them in and out of their softball uniforms.

I used to have some classes with some of the softball players and they were pretty cute. They also needed assistance in Geology 100 and, boy, was I happy to help.

Her: What is this we're looking at?
Me: A rock.
Her: Is that why they call this Rocks for Jocks?
Me: That may be part of the reason, yeah.

I don't have much else to write. Here's another picture.


Your National Champion Washington Huskies softball team looks better in this picture. One girl is like totally licking that other girl's ear. And the one in the back right wants to do me. I think I know that guy. He was probably a Pike. If you flip your fucking bill up you were probably a Pike. The girl in the back left is saving herself for marriage but boy are guys going to test that.

Here's another picture.


Here is your National Champion Washington Huskies wearing party clothes. That's a nice apartment. Well furnished. Clean carpet. Good light. That poster is a cliché at this point but it doesn't erase the fact that this is a nice place to live.

The Washington Huskies won the National Championship in softball. I went to Washington.

(There are more pictures here. Hot Clicks was the only reason I knew about this post).

Know the name Rodney Purvis

He's 15, is in eighth grade and is already being compared to Kentucky recruit John Wall who is thought to be the No. 1 pick in the 2010 NBA Draft. Whoa, whoa, whoa, back up...he's 15 and in eighth grade? Did he stay back? That's fucking old. There was a guy in our middle school who had a beard and nobody really talked to him much because he was in middle school and had a MOTHERFUCKING BEARD.

Rodney Purvis, 15, does not have a beard but he does have game. Only in eighth grade, he draws comparisons to Wall because he's a 6-3 point guard from Raleigh.

Purvis will be a freshman in college in 2013. But now you know his name. You will remember this blog post when he's the top recruit going to North Carolina. Don't say we never gave you anything.

[Charlotte Observer]

Morning Headlines: Philadelphia hammers Cincinnati

Most mornings, we'll lead off the day with some AM headlines -- but not your traditional ones. Rather we'll focus on one game or story and write headlines that are completely inconsequential and insignificant to the outcome of the game. We'll give a few examples and then you'll play in the comments. Best headline (read: the one that makes us laugh the hardest) will get a shoutout in this space the next day. We'll provide the box score for the game as that can lend itself to plenty of content. Let's have some fun. The more insignificant, the better!

Monday's winner: HM of Hoops and Other Pop Culture with this from Wimbledon: Roddick breaks serve twice to Federer's once.

[Phillies-Reds box score].

-Fisher throws two scoreless in relief

-Big fourth gives Phils breathing room

-Hamels evens record with seven strong

Your blowout headlines in the comments.

A .240 average, 6 home runs, a stint on the DL and a kicked coke probem will make you an All-Star starter

Josh Hamilton, folks. You're an overwhelming talent, get caught up in a world of addiction, kick the habit and have a strong season in your new home: now a perennial All-Star.

Not that there's anything wrong with a good comeback. Everyone likes a heart-warming, feel-good story; Kevin Costner has made a career exploiting that fact.

The All-Star game, meanwhile, isn't important; it's more about who actually makes the team rather than the game itself.

Nonetheless, Josh Hamilton hasn't played in over a month, has terrible numbers and stole a roster spot from teammate Nelson Cruz who has 20 homers. Love the fan voting. They nail it every time.

Hey, Tara Reid has a drug problem, too. Let's just hand her a fucking Oscar.

Morning Headlines: Federer wins Wimbeldon

Most mornings, we'll lead off the day with some AM headlines -- but not your traditional ones. Rather we'll focus on one game or story and write headlines that are completely inconsequential and insignificant to the outcome of the game. We'll give a few examples and then you'll play in the comments. Best headline (read: the one that makes us laugh the hardest) will get a shoutout in this space the next day. We'll provide the box score for the game as that can lend itself to plenty of content. Let's have some fun. The more insignificant, the better!

[Federer wins Wimbledon].

-Federer records key win on grass court

-Sampras a "non-factor" at Wimbledon

-Roddick: 'The jet lag was difficult to overcome'

An interview with Ricky Rubio

Ricky Rubio, recently drafted by the Minnesota Timberwolves, will reportedly remain in Spain to play for his DKV Joventut basketball team for the remaining two years of his contract rather than try to move to the NBA this season. It has nothing to do with Minnesota being cold and the T-Wolves drafting 18 point guards.

The Big Picture: Thanks for joining us, Ricky.
Rubio: You are welcome.

TBP: Ricky's not your real name, right? That's like your "American" name. Kinda how the waiter at my Chinese restaurant is named John.
Rubio: No, my name is Ricky.

TBP: What's up with tapas? Those fucking suck. Why would I have a small plate when I could have a big one?
Rubio: I don't know.

TBP: Why do you think (T-Wolves GM) David Kahn picked so many guards. That's like really fucking stupid right? He realizes that this isn't fantasy basketball. You can't play 3 PG, 2 SG, 2 C, 1 SF, 1 PF and 1 F/G on an NBA team. I mean, that's even a big fantasy team. But you can't play 10 players at once. That's just against the rules.
Rubio: I'm not sure.

TBP: Do you openly hate Jonny Flynn?
Rubio: No.
TBP: Is it because he's black?
Rubio: No.

TBP: What's your beef with Minnesota? Didn't you see Fargo? That movie was cool and brought out Minnesota in a positive light.
Rubio: I don't think Fargo is in Minnesota.
TBP: No, it is. You're from Spain. You wouldn't know these things.
Rubio: OK.
TBP: That part where they put the body in the wood chipper...JUST WHEN YOU THINK YOU'VE SEEN EVERYTHING!
Rubio: OK.

TBP: Oh, dontcha know.
Rubio: What?
TBP: I was doing my Minnesota accent.

TBP: Have you been to that mall? That place is apparently amazing. Like you could probably lead a full, meaningful life if you lived in that place.
Rubio: I haven't seen it.

TBP: Don't you think going back to Spain is a bad financial decision? That just seems irresponsible. What if you tear up your knee? What if Jonny Flynn tries to kick your ass?
Rubio: I want to be close to home.

TBP: Why'd you call Kevin Love gay?
Rubio: I never did that.

TBP: You look pretty feminine. Did you ever dress up as a girl when you were a kid?
Rubio: No.

TBP: Pau Gasol is also a Spanish basketball player. Have you seen that guy?! Whoa! Do you think he reflects poorly on the country?
Rubio: No.

TBP: For real, what's your name?
Rubio: Ricky.

TBP: Hey, thanks for joining us.
Rubio: Alright.