Bring back Norv!

Norv Turner couldn't manage to get himself fired in the regular season, though he sure tried hard. But maybe we've spoken too soon. If the Chargers get tea-bagged by the Colts this weekend, maybe Norv will be walking the unemployment line...

...Or he'll head back to the Niners as the offensive coordinator because Mike Martz was informed of his annual firing Tuesday! THAT WOULD BE AWESOME!

NORV! We love you, man! (Not really. Bad coach. Really. Just terrible).

The Norv Turner Update lives on.

Soccer player does something dumb, prematurely ejaculates ejected

Some English soccer player who probably bangs a hot Page 3 model (link sorta NSFW) set a record for getting ejected three seconds into a game.

A player with English minor league club Chippenham Town has set a record for the fastest-red card in senior soccer when he was sent off for a wild tackle three seconds after kickoff, British media reported on Monday.

Striker David Pratt, 21, was dismissed in a Southern Premier League game against Bashley on Saturday.

The previous fastest sending-off is generally accepted to be 10 seconds for Bologna’s Giuseppe Lorenzo after he struck an opponent in a 1990 Italian league game.

Three seconds! That's fast. The girls to the right wouldn't like that. Hey-o!

Guess three's not a charm. No three's company. Three blind mi...

That was terrible. Sorry.

Morning Headlines: Holiday Bowl

Most mornings, we'll lead off the day with some AM headlines -- but not your traditional ones. Rather we'll focus on one game or story and write headlines that are completely inconsequential and insignificant to the outcome of the game. We'll give a few examples and then you'll play in the comments. Best headline (read: the one that makes us laugh the hardest) will get a shoutout in this space the next day. We'll provide the box score for the game as that can lend itself to plenty of content. Let's have some fun. The more insignificant, the better!

[Oregon-Oklahoma State box score].

-Ducks' strong second-quarter leads to big second half, win

-Flint's perfection on extra point attempts key to Ducks' Holiday Bowl victory

-Cowboys' one of three fourth-down conversions proves costly

Your turn in the comments.

Josh Beckett has poop stains; underwear pulled from eBay

Josh Beckett has never bloodied a sock, yet has likely muddied his undies. In this case, it was probably neither, but he decided to have his underwear yanked from eBay for other reasons.

Yankees star Alex Rodriguez's underwear brought a whopping $420 on eBay, while Red Sox stud Kevin Youkilis ' sold for a mere $305. As we told you earlier this month, Phil Castinetti of SportsWorld in Saugus put game-used unmentionables from A-Rod, Youk and Red Sox hurler Josh Beckett up for sale on the popular auction site. However, eBay had them removed once - saying Phil couldn't sell unlaundered undies - and Beckett had his agent call SportsWorld and demand that they cease and desist with his jockey shorts sale! "Josh saw it on ESPN and made a big stink," Castinetti told the Track. "But we sold the rest of the stuff."

Big stink is right. Have you ever smelled shit that wasn't dropped in a toilet? Fucking awful? We once saw a kid shit himself at the waterslide park and it was without doubt the worst thing we've ever smelled. We nearly vomited and shat at the same time, which we suppose would be a good thing for someone who's bulimic.

This non-news story, via the awesome Ben Maller, was from The Boston Herald. But we're not going to link to it because it's written by a third-grader with a mental disability. Like, seriously, what the fuck?! USE A NUT GRAF YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE! A bulimic dog with a mosquito's brain could've written that paragraph better.

Bulimia is not a laughing matter.

Aw fack

Go fack yahself Bahltimawh. And fack you Mahami. Fackin' queehs.

Aw fack it. At least we gawt the Sahwks.

Brett Favre might think about thinking about maybe possibly retiring or coming back next season or not, but he might. Maybe.

MAKE UP YOUR FUCKING MIND YOU FUCKING DRAMA QUEEN.

The Detroit Lions would totally win the SEC

All sorts of flaws with that headline. The Lions, for instance, can't play in college because they play in the NFL, and we don't recall a pro team ever playing a college team, even though that'd be majorly awesome. And if they were to play in the NCAA, they'd probably be in the Big 10. Or the MAC. (C-USA?)

But for argument's sake, if the Lions were to play in the SEC, usually the best conference in college football, they'd just fucking destroy it. They'd win every game by 50. Wouldn't even be competitive. Dan Orlovsky would light up the Georgia secondary for 600 yards. Kevin Smith would run over Tennessee for 350. Before the game, Ernie Sims would remind Teboner that his first name is Tim, 'cause he might not remember it after getting a concussion in the second quarter.

For how bad Detroit was this year (though they didn't seem so bad that they'd lose every freakin' game), they're still a team of college all-stars. Just like every NFL team. Turned out their all-stars weren't as good as every other team's all-stars and their coaching probably had some serious issues. A good gameplan can win a football game. Coaches develop the gameplan. Detroit didn't win a single football game this year. Therefore, Detroit did not have a good gameplan and thus had bad coaching. That's like a mathematical proof applied to football.

But they'd probably beat Vanderbilt 63-10.

Morning Headlines: Dallas vs. Philadelphia

Most mornings, we'll lead off the day with some AM headlines -- but not your traditional ones. Rather we'll focus on one game or story and write headlines that are completely inconsequential and insignificant to the outcome of the game. We'll give a few examples and then you'll play in the comments. Best headline (read: the one that makes us laugh the hardest) will get a shoutout in this space the next day. We'll provide the box score for the game as that can lend itself to plenty of content. Let's have some fun. The more insignificant, the better!

[Eagles-Cowboys box score].

-With game on line, Romo comes through

-Westbrook's fumble not costly

-Phillips: 'Folk kept us in it'

-Big first quarter paces Eagles

Go play!

Merry Christmas!

Enjoy the presents! We'll see ya Monday...

So about the dentist

One of the worst ways to spend a day off? Go to the dentist.

There's a reason why dentists have a higher-than-normal suicide rate: they spend an entire day in someone's mouth and NOBODY FUCKING LIKES THEM.

Dentists are much like Meter Maids or Auditors -- they're always the fucking bad guy. Have you ever met someone who's like, "Ooh, I get to go to the dentist today! I'm going to bring them some peanut brittle and holiday wishes."

My dentist and dental hygienist are fine people. Nice, kind-spirited and great at small talk. But all my dentist and hygienist does is cause me pain.

Hygienist: I'm getting some bleeding.
Me: Really? Maybe it's because YOU'RE POKING ME WITH A SHARP FUCKING OBJECT!

I swallowed so much blood yesterday, I got a little weak. But when they give you that air tube to suck on, I fucking go after it the way a pornstar -- like the one above -- goes after a cock. Air has never been so satisfying. And when they swish a little water in there, I fucking lose it.

Of course they charge you an arm and leg for a trip, too. I coughed up nearly $300 dollars to get my gums violated with a dangerous weapon. And then the dentist looked at me for like 30 seconds:

Dentist: Are you taking any medication?
Me: No.
Dentist: Are you experiencing any pain?
Me: Aside from my gums feeling like they just went through a blender, no.
Dentist: All right, you're good to go.

That interaction cost 58 dollars.

The next thing you know, you're gonna have to start tipping. That'll be the day.

On the bright side, I got a new toothbrush. It's blue.

Get a Snuggie! It's the blanket with sleeves!

We don't watch a lot of weekday daytime TV, and when we do it's usually not the SciFi channel. But yesterday the network gave us the gift of a three-hour "Lost" marathon which we would've been fools to pass up. We didn't, but with nothing to turn to at the breaks, we found ourselves sitting through the commercials. More like infomercials, including this gem below.

Please take a look at this. This is not a "Saturday Night Live" skit. This is a real product.

So go out and get a Snuggie! The blanket with sleeves! One size fits all! Get a book light free! Only one easy payment of $19.95! It's all you need for your next cult meeting! Snuggie! Snuggie! Snuggie!

Cardinals soaring at just the right time

We never like to underestimate the importance of a team peaking late in the season. You see it every year: A team that needs to win games down the stretch just to reach the playoffs, and then goes on to win the title. Get hot at the right time and it can translate into postseason success.

So it’s hard to imagine a bigger playoff threat in the NFL this year than the high-flying Arizona Cardinals of the NFC West. The team has hit its stride.

After a slow start against the Patriots yesterday, the Cards rallied late behind Matt Leinart to close the gap to 40 with 6:17 to play. They lost 47-7, but the game was much closer than the score would indicate. Had it not been for a few key calls, it would've been a win.

Arizona has now lost four of five, three of them by 21 points or more. The division is clinched, the four-seed locked up and Kurt Warner is in MVP form. This is your NFC representative in the Super Bowl, people. No real need to go on with the games.

This team is "flying high."

Morning Headlines: Gonzaga-UConn Battle in Seattle

Most mornings, we'll lead off the day with some AM headlines -- but not your traditional ones. Rather we'll focus on one game or story and write headlines that are completely inconsequential and insignificant to the outcome of the game. We'll give a few examples and then you'll play in the comments. Best headline (read: the one that makes us laugh the hardest) will get a shoutout in this space the next day. We'll provide the box score for the game as that can lend itself to plenty of content. Let's have some fun. The more insignificant, the better!

[Gonzaga-UConn box score].

-UConn jumps out early, cruises to 88-83 victory

-Thabeet's career day (9 pts, 2 rebounds) lifts Huskies past 'Zags

-Pargo snags two boards, but Gonzaga falls in Seattle

Have at it, friends.

Pre-Gaming: Let's Go Bowling

[Editor's note: This will be a regular Friday feature at PlayboyU. It's molded after BDD's Jamboroo.]

Another regular season in the books and it was as good as any. Upsets, big plays, memorable collapses...

We saw the re-emergence of traditional powers with Alabama and Penn State.

We saw the decline of other traditional powers; Tennessee, Auburn, Clemson.

We saw the conference power shift from the SEC to the Big 12 (especially the South division).

We saw Erin Andrews just about every Thursday night. Thanks, ESPN.

We saw that the Big East and ACC shouldn't get an automatic BCS berth.

We saw that the Mountain West is among the nation's best conferences.

We saw parity in the ACC and Pac-10 (sans USC).

College football is so unique in that every week can be life or death. The set-up of the regular season -- and lack of a playoff -- makes the college football regular season far and away the best in all of sports.

Of course the reason that the regular season is so good is because the postseason is so bad. Every year there's tremendous excitement entering the final week of the season, and once the bowl match ups are in place, people seem to lose interest.

The regular season would still be good if there was an eight- (or even 12-) team playoff. Those teams fighting for seeding or the right to get in would make for unbelievable drama. And hell, what if in the first round of the playoff, the top seeds either got a bye or a home game? Tell me that wouldn't give the regular season significant meaning.

That's just the way it is though. We all love college football and then we get to this time of year and we've sort of moved on -- like you just got dumped by your girlfriend who was way out of your league, but you have a potential rebound (in this case, the NFL playoffs) waiting in the wings.

I'm already in withdrawal. Last weekend, the first Saturday without college football since August, I found myself at Crate and Barrel. You know who goes to Crate and Barrel? People without penises or people so fucking bored that it seems like a decent alternative to staring at a blank screen. My choices were NBA action, bad college hoops games or Christmas movies. This is what my weekends are coming too. Come February, I'll find myself at the Pottery Barn every Saturday. FUCK ME!

If I had to rate the 2008 season on a scale from 1-10, I'd probably go with a 7. It was solid, fun and kept me unproductive on Saturdays for about three months. Though, there wasn't a ton of controversy outside of the Oklahoma-Texas mess, and all in all, not a ton of star-power outside of some prolific passers.

It was a good year, one that deserves a few awards to reflect on the 2008 season:

Best Game: Texas Tech 39, Texas 33 on Nov. 1.

A catch by Michael Crabtree changed the complete landscape of the National Championship picture.



PUSH HIM OUT OF BOUNDS, TEXAS! If the Longhorns win that game, they're in the National Championship -- not OU -- and Colt McCoy is probably your Heisman winner. In college football, one play is all it takes to completely fuck up a season.

Honorable Mention: Utah 31, Oregon State 28, Oct. 2.

Just Week 6 of the season, Utah scored 11 points in the final 1:29 to stun the Beavers and stay undefeated.



BULLSEYE!

A game few remember, but this dramatically influenced the BCS picture. If Oregon State doesn't collapse, Boise State is in the Sugar Bowl and Utah is long forgotten. Oregonians are no longer welcomed in the state of Idaho or allowed to eat potatoes.

Best Player: Colt McCoy.

Not by much. But unbelievable numbers, a mediocre-to-bad running game and the lack of one defensive lapse (see above) would have made McCoy the talk of the coming weeks, not Sam Bradford or Tim Tebow.

Best Broadcast Team: CBS' SEC team of Verne Lundquist, Gary Danielson and The Wolf(son). I talk about them just about every week, but when Verne and Gary are in the booth, it's like they're dancing up there. And Wolfson's a total MILF.

Biggest Joke: Football in the state of Washington. Two combined wins and two programs in the gutter. Yikes!

Biggest Disappointment: Arizona State. Most preseason polls had the Sun Devils ranked in the top 15, but a six-game skid in the middle of the season prevented ASU from even making a bowl. And where the fuck did the offense go?

Biggest Failure: Tennessee and Clemson. Two disappointing seasons, two fired coaches, two unhappy fanbases. The rebuilding process starts now.

Biggest Upset: Had Troy not blown a 31-3 3rd-quarter lead at LSU on Nov. 15, I would've given the nod to the Trojans.

But another Trojans are on the short end of this ugly stick. When Oregon State knocked off USC on Sept. 25, it ruined just about any legitimate shot the Trojans had at the National Championship. A weak Pac-10 bit USC in the ass, and while many thought USC could beat anyone, anywhere, anytime, the Trojans' one early-season blemish was too much to overcome.

Biggest Surprise: Utah and Alabama. Utah went from unranked in the preseason to the Sugar Bowl. Alabama brutalized Clemson in the season opener, setting the tone for the entire season. Now they're in the Sugar Bowl. Against Utah. Hey! Utah and Alabama are playing in the Sugar Bowl!

Who else is playing in the bowl games? Take a looksy...

Games broken down on a one-to-four-bunny scale:

Four bunnies means: "Do not go out. Do not have sex. Do not watch House re-runs. Turn the fucking channel to this game and watch it."

Three bunnies means: "Do not go out. Do not watch House re-runs. If sex is an option, absolutely do not turn it down. Do it twice. But unless you're knockin' boots, watch these games."

Two bunnies means: Eh, if it's pissing rain and your girlfriend is shopping, it's not a bad option.

One bunny means: You've never touched a girl. You're allergic to the sun. Porn doesn't do it for you. You wanna prove that you can, in fact, sit on your ass and watch college football for 12 hours.

Champions are crowned on Saturdays. All times Eastern.

National Championship, No. 1 Oklahoma vs. No. 2 Florida, Jan. 8, 8 p.m., FOX: Well, this is the last meaningful game of the season and, really, the only meaningful game of the bowl season.

What more can we say? No. 1 vs. No. 2. and it should be a doozy. DeMarco Murray's out for OU which seems like kind of a big deal, but frankly, I don't think it'll matter. Florida's the best team in the country, everyone knows it and everyone will see it Jan. 8. I'd like to think we'll have a Texas-USC-like championship game, but I'm afraid it will be more Florida-Ohio State-style. Florida 41, Oklahoma 30.

Rose Bowl, No. 5 USC vs. No. 8 Penn State, Jan. 1, 4:30 p.m., ABC: The best way to put up points on USC? Ask your defense to score a touchdown. USC 35, Penn State 10.

Sugar Bowl, No. 4 Alabama vs. No. 6 Utah, Jan. 2, 8 p.m., FOX: Hey, this game's on my birthday! No better way to prepare for the festivities than to get loaded and watch the Sugar Bowl. (By the way, I'm still amazed that John Parker Wilson is a quarterback for a BCS team and that he doesn't wear a Polo with a popped collar under his shoulder pads.) 'Bama 31, Utah 21.

Fiesta Bowl, No. 3 Texas vs. No. 10 Ohio State, Jan. 5, 8 p.m., FOX: Jan. 5? Really? Texas 42, Ohio State 17.

Poinsettia Bowl, No. 9 Boise State vs. No. 11 TCU, Dec. 23, 8 p.m., ESPN: A shame that these teams are playing in a bowl game this early and that's named after a flower that nobody's really heard of. Think of this game as the neglected child of the BCS.

In a year where the Mountain West was as good as any "major" conference and when Boise State -- two years removed from a BCS win in the best ending to a game we've ever seen -- goes undefeated, it's too bad the winner gets "Poinsettia Bowl champs" bragging rights. Boise State 38, TCU 35.

Capital One Bowl, No. 15 Georgia vs. No. 18 Michigan State, Jan. 1, 1 p.m., ABC: I know the "facts" will "disagree" with me, but Georgia has been to the Capital One Bowl eight years in a row. Georgia 21, Michigan State 17.

Holiday Bowl, No. 13 Oklahoma State vs. No. 17 Oregon, Dec. 30, 8 p.m., ESPN: Maybe it's because it's called the Holiday Bowl and holidays are supposed to be fun, but this game is fucking entertaining as hell every year. Maybe it's because the Big 12 and Pac-10 don't play a lot of defense. People love points just as much as pussy. Oregon 49, Oklahoma State 45.

Cotton Bowl, No. 7 Texas Tech vs. N0. 25 Ole Miss, Jan. 2, 2 p.m., FOX: Question of the year: How the hell did Ole Miss beat Florida? Texas Tech 38, Ole Miss 30.

Orange Bowl, No. 12 Cincinnati vs. No. 19 Virginia Tech, Jan. 1, 8:30 p.m., FOX: I'm boycotting this game. Who's with me?. Virginia Tech 14, Cincy 10.

Sun Bowl, No. 20 Pitt vs. Oregon State, Dec. 31, 2 p.m., CBS.
Alamo Bowl, No. 21 Missouri vs. No. 23 Northwestern, Dec. 29, 8 p.m., ESPN.
Las Vegas Bowl, No. 16 BYU vs. Arizona, Dec. 20, 8 p.m., ESPN.
Chick-Fil-A Peach Bowl, No. 14 Georgia Tech vs. LSU, Dec. 31, 7:30 p.m., ESPN.

Outback Bowl, South Carolina vs. Iowa, Jan. 1, 11 a.m., ESPN: This game is usually really watchable. And it's awful. FUCK!. South Carolina 31, Iowa 17.

Gator Bowl, Nebraska vs. Clemson, Jan. 1, 1 p.m., CBS: See Outback Bowl. Clemson 12, Nebraska 10.

GMAC Bowl, No. 22 Ball State vs. Tulsa, Jan. 6, 8 p.m., ESPN.
Champs Sports Bowl, Wisconsin vs. Florida State, Dec. 27, 4:30 p.m., ESPN.
Meineke Car Care Bowl, West Virginia vs. North Carolina, Dec. 27, 1 p.m. ESPN.

*Full Bowl schedule here.

Tailgate Beverage of the Week:

Mojito


1.5 oz BACARDI Rum
12 fresh mint leaves
1/2 lime
7 oz club soda
2 tbsp. simple syrup
(or 4 tsp. sugar)

Gently crush mint leaves and lightly squeeze lime in a cool tall glass. Pour sweet syrup to cover and fill glass with ice. Add Bacardi Rum, club soda, and stir well. Garnish with a lime wedge and a few sprigs of mint.

This is not a gay drink. Brian from Family Guy will tell you.



See. Not a gay drink.

Lou Holtz Pep-Talk Quote:

"Auj29iu@!9-0DC0-x3ojk-,;,2S" (You have to make plays on both sides of the ball).

Bet It Hard:

The game you should bet your paycheck on.

Texas Tech (-5.5) over Ole Miss in the Cotton Bowl. Fuck. Couldn't Washington State have made a bowl? That would've made things easier.

No gimmee picks this bowl season, but with the Red Raiders just a 5.5 favorite, I'd put money on TTU. Tech scores enough points that even against a decent SEC defense, the Red Raiders should be able to cover -- likely with room to spare.

2008 Bet It Hard Record: 6-3.

Pac-10 Player That I Want to Hang With a Fucking Jump Rope:

I think I've gone through every player on my Pac-10 fantasy team as well as others that either directly or indirectly fucked my team with a gardening hoe.

So, let's talk about coaches this week.

Of course Ty Willingham is fucking dead to me -- thanks for turning my alma mater into a national laughing stock, you fucking asshole.

But Dennis Erickson should be right up there for Shitty Coach of the Year in the Pac-10. Erickson took a top-15 team and turned them into a joke. ASU brought back stud QB Rudy Carpenter -- the preseason favorite for Pac-10 Offensive Player of the Year -- and solid skill players around him. Yet, ASU's offense was atrocious, being held to under 21 points six times.

Hey, while we're dogging on coaches, let's take time to say a special Pre-Gaming Fuck You to Arizona coach Mike Stoops and Oregon coach Mike Bellotti.

I had 'Cats RB Nic Grigsby and Ducks RB Jeremiah Johnson -- a solid first two picks -- yet Stoops and Bellotti made those picks look mediocre when they starting platooning them. Mike and Mike, go sleep in the middle of a fucking freeway.

And Mike Stoops is a major whiner, too. I hate that. He argues just about everything and looks like he might keel over and die with each call.

Ref: First down, Arizona.
Stoops: THAT WAS A HORSESHIT CALL!
Ref: You just made a first down. There was no measurement, no call or no judgement whatsoever. The ball was 15 yards past the marker. And you're winning by three touchdowns.
Stoops: BULLSHIT!!! THAT WAS A TERRIBLE CALL. AWFUL. JUST AWFUL.

Playboy Babe of the Week:

Erica Chevillar


Holy shit fuck cock bukkake! She's an 11!

This unbelievably hot chick was a friggin' 10th-grade teacher in Florida before leaving to pursue a career in modeling.

Could you imagine her teaching you history? She could tell me that the French Revolution didn't happen in France and I'd believe her.

Google her to find the bikini/glamour photos and see the NSFW Playboy photos here.

College football and Playboy. What could be better? Enjoy the games -- for the last time this season (tear) -- college football fans.

Non-news: Romo and Witten no-shows at T.O.'s b-day bash

That's Internet/Maxim model Melyssa Ford (questionable spelling) and her publicist, whose name isn't very important. Ford is hot and takes pictures that you probably shouldn't look at while you're at work. If you're daring, Google her. And then take a short bathroom break.

They're ordinarily not important to a sports blog, yet they are pictured here at Terrell Owens' birthday party Monday. They were two of the prettier guests in attendance. Who wasn't there? Tony Romo and Jason Witten.

Romo, who is suffering from a back injury sustained against the Giants, was a no-show at press time, along with Witten, who is also nursing injuries.

But the list of Cowboys who did attend included head coach Wade Phillips; defensive coordinator Brian Stewart; receivers coach Ray Sherman; secondary coach Brett Maxie; linebackers Bradie James and Greg Ellis; receivers Roy Williams and Patrick Crayton; defensive ends Marcus Spears and Chris Canty; cornerbacks Terence Newman and Anthony Henry; and safety Ken Hamlin. Owens’ agents, Drew and Jason Rosenhaus, also attended.

Guess Romo and Witten don't like birthday cake and pin the tail on the donkey. Or they were nursing their respective injuries. Or they were busy at home taking care of business. Who fucking knows? Who fucking cares?!

Sorry for subjecting you to this soap-opera bullshit.

Is Mark Teixeira worth $28 million a year?

Good time to be the top free agent on the market. While the economy is folding in on itself, Mark Teixeira won't have any financial worries once he signs what is a soon-to-be ridiculously big contract.

Teixeira is close to making a decision on which team he'll play for in '09 -- Orioles? Red Sox? Angels? -- and it'll put an end to the suspense of where he'll end up.

But we're awfully skeptical of the money he's gonna get. It appears that the powerful first baseman is going to land an eight-year deal, somewhere in the neighborhood of $22-28 million a year. The going rate for a solid free agent?

Teixeira hit .308 with 33 HRs and 121 RBI last season combined with the Braves and Angels, and he's a career .290 hitter, has hit 25+ homers in all of his six seasons and doesn't have a history of injuries.

Yet that kind of money seems like an awful lot for a guy who's never won a playoff series. Granted he had four full seasons with the dreadful Rangers, but what do the Orioles expect if he signs? A 20-game turnaround? A wild card spot? The ability to compete in the loaded AL East?

Teixeira's not a diva either; that's a good thing, but he won't put fans in the seats the same way Manny will. And Teixeira turns 29 in April -- eight year seems lengthy, yes?

He's a helluva player -- one that most teams would love to have -- but for that kind of money, you'd think he'd have the cure for cancer.

Morning Headlines: Joe Pa Gets Contract Extension

Most mornings, we'll lead off the day with some AM headlines -- but not your traditional ones. Rather we'll focus on one game or story and write headlines that are completely inconsequential and insignificant to the outcome of the game. We'll give a few examples and then you'll play in the comments. Best headline (read: the one that makes us laugh the hardest) will get a shoutout in this space the next day. We'll provide the box score for the game as that can lend itself to plenty of content. Let's have some fun. The more insignificant, the better!

Yesterday's winner: Adam with this: Playoff hopes dwindle as Browns collapse in 4th quarter.

[Joe Pa gets extension].

-Big 10 coach gets three-year extension

-AARP: 'We thought we would finally grab him'

-Penn State coach to celebrate birthday Sunday

This is a toughy -- see what you can come up with in the comments.

Matthew Stafford?! Really?!

It's never too early to start talking NFL Draft -- four months baby! Get the drinking games ready! -- and, clearly, many other websites agree with us. DC Pro Sports Report compiled a list of whom each Draft site has going No. 1, No. 2 and then to the NFC East teams.

The thing to take from the list: it looks like Michael Johnson's the guy in Washington! Kidding...

Matthew Stafford seems like the favorite to be the top player selected -- all-but-surely by the winless Lions.

The 20-year-old junior has improved statistically every year, but couldn't help Georgia live up to the hype as the preseason No. 1; Georgia finished the regular season at 9-3 and will play in the Capital One Bowl.

Stafford's numbers were fine -- 61.1 completion percentage, 3,209 yards, 22 TDs, 9 INTs. At 6-foot-3, 237, he's got a linebacker's body and moves like a lineman. Not exactly the dual-threat QB.

He's popular with the NFL scouts namely for his cannon arm, to which we say: Kyle Boller and JaMarcus Russell also had rocket arms coming out of college and that's gone real well.

Some NFL Mock Drafts that have Sam Bradford coming out have him going No. 1. We think that makes a bit more sense. But knowing the Lions' track record with drafting, they'll turn Stafford into a $35 million disaster.

Or they'll draft Michael Crabtree.

Morning Headlines: MNF Philadelphia vs. Cleveland

Most mornings, we'll lead off the day with some AM headlines -- but not your traditional ones. Rather we'll focus on one game or story and write headlines that are completely inconsequential and insignificant to the outcome of the game. We'll give a few examples and then you'll play in the comments. Best headline (read: the one that makes us laugh the hardest) will get a shoutout in this space the next day. We'll provide the box score for the game as that can lend itself to plenty of content. Let's have some fun. The more insignificant, the better!

Yesterday's winner: Bokolis with this clever headline: With two in top 5, Texas Tech has strong showing in Heisman voting.

[Eagles vs. Browns box score].

-Jackson interception not costly as Eagles cruise

-Kolb: 'It wasn't my night'

-Reid: 'Correll [Buckhalter] is a difference-maker'

Your creativity, please, in the comments.

They're not saying 'boo,' they're saying 'Chiz-ik'

Our pals at Busted Coverage had this good find Sunday of an Auburn fan awaiting the arrival of Tigers AD Jay Jacobs. Auburn fans were plenty pleased to see the dismissal of Tommy Tuberville, but are none too happy about the hiring of a coach who went 5-19 in two years at Iowa State.



Sweet ride, though. And very GQ with that blazer.

That video sorta reminds us of this one, which, has very little to do with college football or tigers, but has plenty to do with princesses and fairy tales.



Just skip the kissing part.

Morning Headlines: 2008 Heisman Trophy

Most mornings, we'll lead off the day with some AM headlines -- but not your traditional ones. Rather we'll focus on one game or story and write headlines that are completely inconsequential and insignificant to the outcome of the game. We'll give a few examples and then you'll play in the comments. Best headline (read: the one that makes us laugh the hardest) will get a shoutout in this space the next day. We'll provide the box score for the game as that can lend itself to plenty of content. Let's have some fun. The more insignificant, the better!

Thursday's winner: Two solid ones from Thursday's C.C. to the Yanks story.

1. David with this: Sabathia: 'The opportunity to play alongside Melky Cabrera was something I couldn't pass up.'

2. GMoney of The Money Shot with this: Yankees trade for Cameron, sign left-hander.

[Bradford wins the Heisman].

-White finishes in top-7 for second-straight year

-Harrell's 86 third-place votes not enough

-Maualuga: 'To be considered is the greatest honor'

Have fun in the comments.

It's the Clicksy Awards: Get Clickin'

Our pal Jimmy over at SI.com's Hot Clicks is running a year-end awards show in four major categories.

Of course, the one we decided to link to is for the Women of Hot Clicks. And there are some hotties on that list. Get voting and be sure to vote on the other categories as well.

It'll be fun. Promise.

Where does Tim Teboner stand on the "best ever college player" list?

Don't have the time, energy or resources to dig deep into the stat books, but Tim Tebow could very well win his second national title and Heisman trophy in the next month...and there's a good chance he'll be back next year for another shot.

Some big names that come to mind in the last 50+ years:

-Griffin
-Walker
-Brown
-Simpson
-Butkus
-Thorpe

So, Tim Teboner. Where's he stand? Your lists in the comments, please.

[The Big Lead: Tebow vs. Frazier]

Graham Harrell's weekend will not consist of media events, photo ops and a boring ceremony

What was the discussion process naming the three Heisman finalists? It might have sounded like this.

Heisman Chairman #1: Whaddya think?
Heisman Chairman #2: Tebow for sure.
Heisman Chairman #3: Bradford and McCoy gotta come.
Heisman Chairman #1: Harrell?
Heisman Chairman #2: Great numbers.
Heisman Chairman #3: System quarterback, though.
Heisman Chairman #1: And it's not like he's from a media-friendly school like Notre Dame.
Heisman Chairman #2: But his numbers are out of this world.
Heisman Chairman #3: My comatose grandmother could throw for 4,000 yards in that offense.
Heisman Chairman #1: And there's also that other issue.
Heisman Chairman #2: What's that?
Heisman Chairman #1: (Rubs thumb against fingers indicating the money gesture)
Heisman Chairman #2: You cheap fuck.
Heisman Chairman #1: Flights are $400 from Lubbock. Another $200 a night for hotel. Transportation...the economy is failing right now.
Heisman Chairman #3: Don't forget food.
Heisman Chairman #2: Go fuck a goat, Herb.
Heisman Chairman #3: Harrell coming to New York would cost us at least a grand. And it's not like he'd win anyway? Bradford and McCoy were televised more often and got more pub.
Heisman Chairman #2: He's passed for 41 touchdowns and ran for six more. His completion rate is over 70 percent.
Heisman Chairman #3: (Puts a burlap sack over Chairman #2's head)
Heisman Chairman #1: So Tebow, Bradford and McCoy? We good?
Heisman Chairman #3: Yep. We're good. Make the calls.

Morning Headlines: Sabathia to Yanks

Most mornings, we'll lead off the day with some AM headlines -- but not your traditional ones. Rather we'll focus on one game or story and write headlines that are completely inconsequential and insignificant to the outcome of the game. We'll give a few examples and then you'll play in the comments. Best headline (read: the one that makes us laugh the hardest) will get a shoutout in this space the next day. We'll provide the box score for the game as that can lend itself to plenty of content. Let's have some fun. The more insignificant, the better!

Yesterday's winner: You guys are getting good!

SSReporters with this: Knicks play on the road as Davidson beats West Virginia.

And Adam with an Honorable Mention: McKillop: 'We don't win this game without Ben Allison.'

I also thought of this horribly insensitive, callous gem: Davidson pulls out win, Valvano a no-show.

[Sabathia signs]

-New York inks pitcher, still interested in Lowe

-Cashman: 'Our focus is still on bats'

-Steinbrenner: 'The economy affected this move'

Have at it.

Stacey Dales will not settle for Coach, thanks

Bad news for men, penises and us: Stacey Dales is rumored to be out at ESPN.

Deadspin came up with this emailed lead about why Dales, who provides us plenty of traffic when she's on the tube because of this, is likely to leave the World Wide Leader. And it's pretty funny stuff.

(Again, rumored. As in not for sure. Like there's a chance this isn't real. But it might be. But it might not be. But maybe it is!)

"Refused to sign her contract, even though ESPN management repeatedly kept re-offering her a chance to sign. Rumor is she had trouble dealing with the travel stipulations of flying coach; while she watched many of her talent colleagues pile into first class."

She's probably stuck between two dudes who are Mark-Mangino fat and has a crying baby behind her. Naturally, the passenger directly in front of her pushed the seat back all the way and the flight attendant spilled her Diet Coke.

Fucking Coach. C'mon, she was nearly a Would you do... champion. At least give her Business.

JMC in the NY TImes

The Fifth Down, the New York Times' NFL Blog, asks the bloggers who cover opposing teams to break down the coming game for the Jets — in 100 words or less.

Last week, the Jets took on the Niners and the Niners unleashed hell on them! NINERS BABY!!!

Anyway, regular contributor and super commenter JMC wrote his 100 words breaking down the game. You can see his piece here (third one down).

But what comes to our attention is his intro:

Jamie Costello, known as wjackalope, is a long-time commenter on Niners Nation and the leader of their season-long N.F.L. prediction game. He is a contributor to the sports blog The Big Picture, and has been a 49ers fan for as long as he can remember.

Thanks for the shoutout, J, but where's the fucking link! The NEW YORK FREAKIN' TIMES! A link woulda been nice, thanks!

Morning Headlines: Davidson vs. West Virginia in the Jimmy V Classic

Most mornings, we'll lead off the day with some AM headlines -- but not your traditional ones. Rather we'll focus on one game and write headlines that are completely inconsequential and insignificant to the outcome of the game. We'll give a few examples and then you'll play in the comments. Best headline (read: the one that makes us laugh the hardest) will get a shoutout in this space the next day. We'll provide the box score for the game as that can lend itself to plenty of content. Let's have some fun. The more insignificant, the better!

Yesterday's winner: More gems in Tuesday's comments. Keep it up!

This one from Sam stood out: Barber interception keys Bucs defensive effort.

[Davidson vs. West Virginia box score].

-Da'Sean Butler plays full 40 minutes in loss to Davidson

-Wildcats pull away with big second half

-Curry 5-6 free throws sink Moutaineers.

Play time in the comments.

The NFL sucks, hot chicks at the gym and disappearing acts

I've harped on this plenty before, but the NFL's TV schedule is unbelievably bad. We're talking as few as three games televised on a Sunday. Fuck. That.

Sunday, I got the Eagles-Giants in the morning, then the Niners-Jets in the afternoon. There was the night game on NBC and that was my Sunday viewing schedule. There's something very wrong with that.

It's a rule that when your local team is at home, there can't a rival game televised. Stupid fucking rule, but a rule's a rule. OK, fine. No other afternoon game.

But for fuck's sake, why didn't I get a CBS game in the morning? When you can explain that to me and give me three good reasons why I shouldn't take out your knees with a lead pipe, I'll be remotely satisfied.

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Was at a bar Saturday and posed the question to some buddies: If you could bang a 40+-year-old celebrity, who would it be?

The question isn't all that tough right now because you have chicks like Halle Berry and Jennifer Aniston who are right around that 40 mark.

But, nonetheless, some good answers ensued:

-Diane Lane
-Catherine Zeta-Jones
-Suzanne Somers
-Jamie Lee Curtis

A few things:

1. I'm not sure why I posed that question.
2. I don't think Zeta-Jones is 40.
3. I said Suzanne Somers. I remembered her from Step by Step where she was totally a fox. I think she's had some work done since.
4. Jamie Lee Curtis once had male organs. Like balls. Or a huge, dangling cock. But she was way hot in True Lies. I wonder if Arnold saw her dong.

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Great day at the gym Sunday.

There's this blonde chick, maybe early 20s and looking like a total boner-popper. She was wearing those stretchy black pants that are major camel-toe magnets.

She also had a pretty good rack. And here's the catch. I think they were fakies, but I couldn't tell. AND I CAN ALWAYS FUCKING TELL!! I don't know why I couldn't tell, but they weren't huge, but made good cleavage in her tight black tank top and they didn't flop much.

This girl was playing right into my gym fantasies, too.

She couldn't stop jump roping! Loved it. She'd do a set on a machine, and then jump rope. Do some bicep curls, and then jump rope. And she has these magical tits and she keeps bouncing up and down. AWESOME!

And then she was doing squats. Basically was begging for me to stare at her ass. I kept looking for an underwear line, but with these ass-huggers, I don't know what type of underwear you could get under those.

Yeah. Great workout.

(If you need to walk away from your desk for five minutes and take care of some business, make sure to come back for the rest of this post).

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We can all agree that Tony Siragusa is wasted space, right? He's loud, obnoxious and brings nothing to the FOX telecast. Why he's there is still a mystery.

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I'm going to end Antonio Bryant's life with spatula. Un-fucking-believable.

I enter a key fantasy matchup -- with first place on the line -- up 25 points. I'm done, my buddy Josh at The Beautiful Game's got Bryant left. Scoring is a point for every 10 yards rushing or receiving and six for a TD.

Of course Bryant has the best night of his life (while making one of the prettiest catches we've seen in a while) and prevents me from the top spot as we enter the playoffs. I'm up 25 fucking points! He's got a guy left who didn't even play last year! FUUUUUUUUUCCCCKKKKKKKK!

When you think you've got a sure win...

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The SEC Championship game. Clean, solid game, but not particularly exciting. Anyone with me?

There weren't a ton of big, game-changing plays and there wasn't a memorable comeback or anything like that.

It was like a fine, crisp game, but not that entertaining. I found myself turning to the USC-UCLA game instead, only to remind myself that I was turning away from a National Semifinal.

But for how good that game was supposed to be -- and for how good some analysts and talking heads are making it sound like -- it wasn't all that good.

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If you could make two people disappear in a non-violent way, who would it be?

I'd go with Joe Buck and Terry Bradshaw. Those two make me want to put my ears in a garbage disposal.

Morning Headlines: MNF Carolina vs. Tampa Bay

Most mornings, we'll lead off the day with some AM headlines -- but not your traditional ones. Rather we'll focus on one game and write headlines that are completely inconsequential and insignificant to the outcome of the game. We'll give a few examples and then you'll play in the comments. Best headline (read: the one that makes us laugh the hardest) will get a shoutout in this space the next day. We'll provide the box score for the game as that can lend itself to plenty of content. Let's have some fun. The more insignificant, the better!

Yesterday's winner: You guys are catching on! Two gems that deserve recognition:

1. Ryan from The Victoria Times with this piece of beauty: Georgia left to think "What if?" as Florida defeats Alabama.

2. And our pal Bokolis with this: Tide nail down Sugar Bowl berth; undefeated Utes up next.

[Carolina vs. Tampa Bay box score].

-Delhomme paces Panthers to NFC South lead

-Gruden: 'Penalties killed us'

-Panthers win battle of field position, game

-Smith TD keys Panthers rally

Have some fun in the comments.

Lane Kiffin is the Shia LaBeouf of football

It's weird how a coach gets to be a "hot" name. Much like a Hollywood star, someone becomes the trendy name and no one's quite sure why.

Take Lane Kiffin. Pretty solid coordinator at USC and then a 5-15 record with the Raiders. The guy wasn't exactly a franchise-changing coach, yet he was elevated to the top of many teams' vacant coaching lists.

Why, exactly?

Enter Shia LaBeouf, Hollywood star. He's a trendy, young actor, in many of the biggest movies. Girls love him, guys are envious of him.

Why, exactly?

He went from Even Stevens to Disturbia to Transformers to fucking Indiana Jones. It's not like any of those movies were actually good. If Transformers didn't have Megan Fox it would have been virtually un-watchable.

But the kid's a hit -- and much like Lane Kiffin -- his track record is underwhelming. How people become the "hot" name is a strange, strange thing.

0-12. Oh my...

Photo courtesy of SFGate

Rock bottom.

It was a fitting end to a season many Husky fans will try to suppress. Cal 48, Washington 7. Jahvid Best 311 rushing yards, Washington 104.

The Dawgs become the first 0-12 team in Pac-10 history and the first winless Pac-10 team since Oregon State in 1980. Washington, of course, won the 2001 Rose Bowl; how quickly they have fallen.

What's next for Ty Willingham? Gonna take a year-long vacation, touring America's best golf courses? Coordinator job somewhere? The New Mexico State head-coaching position? (Who'd want an 0-12 coach?!)

Steve Sarkisian has officially been named the next UW coach. The keys are yours, man. Please don't crash.

Morning Headlines: SEC Championship

Most mornings, we'll lead off the day with some AM headlines -- but not your traditional ones. Rather we'll focus on one game and write headlines that are completely inconsequential and insignificant to the outcome of the game. We'll give a few examples and then you'll play in the comments. Best headline (read: the one that makes us laugh the hardest) will get a shoutout in this space the next day. We'll provide the box score for the game as that can lend itself to plenty of content. Let's have some fun. The more insignificant, the better!

Tuesday's winner: Anonymous 11:58 a.m. with this dandy from the Houston-Jacksonville MNF affair: "Daniels, Walter lead Texans past improving Jaguars."

[SEC Championship box score].

-Harvin not a factor as Gators win key game

-Meyer: 'Demps is the emotional leader of this team'

-Wilson efficient as Tide loses first game of year

Go to town in the comments

Happy Birthday, Big Picture!

It wasn't too long ago that I was three!

Happy birthday, studs!
xoxo,
Allison

Happy Birthday, Big Picture!

My 15 minutes are up when I say they are.

Happy birthday, jerks.
Snoochies,
Jenn

Happy Birthday, Big Picture!

I've been dead for like two years. And no, there is not horse pussy up here.

Happy 3rd b-day!
Neigh,
Barbaro

Happy Birthday, Big Picture!

Would you like a piece of cake?

Happy birthday ass lovers!
All the best,
Inés Sainz's ass

Happy Birthday, Big Picture!

Don't get as wasted as I did!

uxa!09u&xa@nl309x (Happy Birthday)
Bottoms up,
Stanford Tree

Happy Birthday, Big Picture!

I'm just the gratuitous birthday hot chick.

Happy birthday, hot stuff.
Love,
Jennifer Walcott

Happy Birthday, Big Picture!

I don't know how I snagged her either.

Happy b-day suckas!
Counting my blessings,
Adam Archuleta

Happy Birthday, Big Picture!

I got enough rings to nearly cover my ass-wiping hand.

Happy Birthday, motherfuckers.
Fuck you,
Coach Torre

Happy Birthday, Big Picture!

I am a woman, not an object.

Happy birthday kiddos!
Kisses,
EA

Happy Birthday you piece of crap!

The Big Picture, you suck. Almost as much as my Warriors. But anyway, happy birthday. Hope you suck a little less in the next year.



Best wishes,

Nelly

We're 3-years old! Happy Fucking Birthday!

Today is The Big Picture's third birthday! Happy birthday to us!

Nearly 1,100 days ago, we popped on Blogger for the first time and entered the first words on what would become almost 1,400 blog posts. Who knew we'd last so long? (We get those same words, on occasion, from the girlfriend. Sigh.)

Three's a very special number. Three-legged races. Three's Company. Three Musketeers. The chick from Total Recall who had three boobs (link NSFW).

We can't believe we've made it this far. We have gotten close to closing the doors on multiple occasions; it's tough work doing this on a daily basis.

But you readers have kept us going. The comments, the emails, the links...it means a lot. Really, it's clearly not the money or the blowjobs (of which we've gotten far too few) that keep us motivated. It's all of your guys' nice words. That sounds sorta pussy of us, but it's true. Really.

So keep reading and tell your friends, enemies and anyone you encounter on a daily basis. The more positive feedback we get (and ad sales), the longer we can keep going at this.

But today's a party. Cake and ice cream will come later, but we have many friends stopping by throughout the day to give us our birthday wishes. Keep checking in early and often today to see who was invited to the party.

And please no presents. Unless they come in the form of strippers, hookers or blowjobs.

Put on your party hats. It's a freakin' birthday party!

Happy Birthday, Big Picture!

I'll come at you both guns blazing.

Have a blastin' birthday!
Pow!,
Plax

Happy Birthday, Big Picture!

You were who I thought you were.

Happy b-day!
Crown my ass,
Denny G.

生日快乐!

Things I like: birthdays.

Happy birthday!
我想要性您 (meant to be "love," but actually said, "I want to sex with you"),
Yi

Happy Birthday, Big Picture!

If I beat Erin Andrews, I would've given you my flower. Sorry.

Happy b-day!
Giggles,
Meghan V.