Thursday, November 29, 2007

What Really Grinds My Gears


You Know What Really Grinds My Gears (named after the segment on Family Guy, of course) is a new feature that will run whenever the fuck we want it to...but usually on a slow news day. It will focus on those pet peeves that, well, really grind your gears. It likely won't be sports-related. Fuck sports. This isn't a sports blog anyway...Oh. Right. Um, yeah, we'll see about making them sports-related. If you have any suggestions -- or would even like to guest write one! -- send your submissions to zachls5@gmail.com or Ballhype us or something Internet-y like that.

You know what really grinds my gears?

Tipping a bartender for a bottle of beer.

That's fucked up. It's like reverse-etiquette bending you over and sticking a Louisville Slugger in your ass.

I know you're supposed to tip a bartender, it's how they make their money, yada, yada yada. But sometimes they have to work for a tip, they can't just expect it.

Like say I walk in to Trendy Bar A where I have to pay $5 for a Bud Light. Paying $5 for a Bud Light fucking grinds my gears too, but that's for different post.

So I pay my five bucks and then have to tip the bar keep a buck to twist off the fucking cap?! That's bogus, man. I mean, I guess you're paying for the service and courtesy of some one twisting that cap off for you. Sometimes I need to use my shirt, and then I look like a fucking pussy. Nobody ever wants to look like a pussy. Especially out at a bar.

Now, what if I'm ordering some local microbrew from the tap? Then I'm paying for the douchebag bartender to tilt my fucking pint glass while he pulls a lever? That's sorta messed up too.

If he's gonna make me a Martini or a Mojito or put some top shelf rum in my Rum 'n' Coke instead of the crap on the rail, then I'll happily tip him. I'll even send a hooker his way if that's what he wants. I want to be able to feel good about giving a tip.

Once I was at a trendy Irish bar that sucked my cock. I fucking hate this bar, yet often end up there. I ordered a shitty bottle of beer and it was like $4.50. Even though all the bartender did was twist off the cap, I still tipped him, even though it fucking grinded my gears. I respect etiquette, even when it assrapes me.

But I gave him a five, he gave me back 50 cents and I left the two quarters on the counter. He looked at me, gave me fuck-you eyes, and then splashed the coins back in my direction.

That really fucking grinded my gears. Asshole was expecting a buck for twisting off a cap. That's bullshit. Work for your tip. I'm gonna fucking end that guy. He was a total cock-weasel who has an inverted penis.

Yeah, so tipping for a bottle of beer is pretty week. Especially when they expect it. That's fucked. Asshole bartenders suck, too.

And that, people, is what really grinds my gears.

Rumor: Erin Andrews to be in Playboy

That rumor? We just started it. Quick, spread the word. Maybe we can make it happen!

But isn't that where this is going, anyway? Andrews, who prior to winning Playboy's Sexiest Sportscaster, got some recognition on this site by beating out other female sportscasters in a 16-person tournament. But with her Internet fame, good looks and interesting sideline reports, what's next?

Gotta be Playboy. You just know the popular magazine is offering her at least a million to do a nude spread. And with her soaring popularity, Andrews' cover would fly off newsstands.

But maybe she doesn't want to pose nude. Agggh, who are we kidding? She's gonna do Playboy. Oooh, or Hustler. She should totally do Hustler.

Wednesday, November 28, 2007

Big Picture Categories: Former bowl games


King's Cup might be the best drinking game out there. Everyone has their own version, there's ample drinking and sometimes -- on a few lucky occasions -- hot chicks end up naked. One of the best "games" in King's Cup is Categories, which often is represented by the Jack card. In Categories, the person who draws the card says a category (fast food joints, baseball stadiums, etc.) and everyone must go around the circle naming one until somebody stumbles. When that person fucks up, they drink. Make sense? Good.

It's coming time for bowl season, the most wonderful time of the year (says ESPN). While there are about 800 bowls from December until early January, there are plenty of others that were either short-lived or had a name change. It's time we remember those fallen bowls.

Today's category then will be naming all those former bowl games that no longer exist. Ones that are still around in the same location, but have changed names totally count in today's game. So mention 'em. We'll start and you guys continue in the comments. You can go again after every five comments. First person to mess up gets a free trip to Hell...err...the Sun Bowl in El Paso.

We'll start with one of those bowl games you'd usually pass on in favor of Seinfeld reruns: the Copper Bowl. (Currently called the Insight Bowl).

All right, football fans. Spew your bowl knowledge in the comments.

Tuesday, November 27, 2007

Juan Palacios is a party animal

Photo courtesy of NapkinNights.com. See more pics here.

We have no idea who Baldy on the right is, but on the left is Louisville 6-foot-8 forward Juan Palacios. In the middle is the woman both are trying to get lucky with.

The Cardinals were in Vegas last week for some preseason tournament and it appears that Palacios and some coaches made the most of the Sin City nightlife.

From some Las Vegas publication, via the invaluable Ben Maller:
Our sources say assistant coach Walter McCarty and Palacios were in the LAX nightclub's VIP section early Thursday with several male friends, including a young white man who appeared to be a seven-footer. Palacios, 22, is injured and has not played this year. Sixth-ranked Louisville lost to unranked Brigham Young University on Friday, 78-76.

A bottle of $400 Patron was charged to an Eric Scott's credit card and a bottle of Veuve Clicquot, which goes for about $300, was paid for in cash.

The school's basketball media guide lists an Eric Scott as director of basketball operations.

A bottle of Patron is $400? Fuck. Do they lace it with heroin?

And Walter McCarty is with Louisville? Isn't that like sacrilegious for a guy who went to Kentucky?

We have a hunch too -- always trust a hunch -- that Palacios' pickup line to the pictured woman went like this:

"Hey. I'm Juan and I'm black. Once you go basketball player you never go back. Wait. Fuck...I have a gigantic penis."

Monday, November 26, 2007

The 2007 college football season is on Angel Dust

A major hat tip, reach-around and high five to The House Rock Built and EDSBS for the fantastic picture of your college football Turducken. That's why rich people created Photoshop.

Anyway, for how much we love college football -- we've probably spent more time watching CFB this season than we have spent sleeping -- we don't really talk about it around here too much. Maybe it's because it's already covered by blogs, the .com's and the talking box.

But we need to sort some things out. So let's all talk together.

National Championship (Big) Picture:

-We can all agree that Mizzou and West Virginia control its own destiny.
-But here's what could likely happen: WVU beats Pitt in the Backyard Brawl. The Mountaineers are in. Mizzou loses in the Big XII championship game to Oklahoma (the Sooners already beat the Tigers 41-31 in Norman). Then theOhio State backdoors its way in to the title game.
-If the Mountaineers lose and Mizzou wins. It's the Tigers and Ohio State.
-But what if both West Virginia and Mizzou lose? Ohio State is probably in, but who does it play? Kansas becomes your only other real (Hawaii is not a real football team, says the computers. They must all be June Jones' robots.) one-loss team. But would two-loss teams like USC or Georgia hop the Jayhawks? Crazy!

Saturday's winners:

-Georgia is the surprising winner. With Tennessee's thrilling win over Kentucky (easily Saturday's best game), the Bulldogs avoid an SEC championship game with an angry LSU team. UGA will finish with just two losses and avoiding the SEC championship game spells BCS for the Dawgs. (Though, an SEC championship game win would have been huge if WVU and Mizzou both lose).

-Hawaii. The Rainbows Rainbow Warriors Flaming Homos Warriors might not be considered National Championship caliber, but they are a win away at home against lowly Washington from going to a BCS game. Fiesta Bowl? Against Georgia?

-USC. A terrible loss to Stanford. A loss at Oregon. Finally, a changing of the guard in the Pac-10. But Dennis Dixon goes down like a Vietnamese prostitute and in comes Brady Leaf and other inept quarterbacks who don't know a football from their penis. Oregon's out, Arizona State is bullshit and the Trojans are a win away against inconsistent UCLA from another BCS bowl. Amazing.

Yes, they have to award someone the Heisman Trophy:

Our ballot would look like this:

1. Chase Daniel
2. Darren McFadden
3. Dennis Dixon
4. Tim Tebow
5. Colt Brennan

Disagree all you want. We want to hear dissenting opinions.

We value a team's record pretty highly, so that's why Tebow is lower. If he's the best player in the country, shouldn't the Gators still be in National Championship talks? Especially with the talent around him?

Brennan's numbers are fantastic, but he won't be considered highly until Hawaii starts playing other universities.

Daniel has good numbers, No. 1 team in the country and...well, he has good numbers and he's the best player on (currently) the top team.

Wow! College football is fun. Almost better than Meth. It's fun until you start caring about teams. Then it fucks you in the ass. (See: Washington and Cal). So the moral of the story: be objective fans and drink yourself in to a coma. Or try Angel Dust.

An afternoon at the gym

All people at the gym should look like this chick. Fake tan, fake cans and fuck-me eyes.

The people who go to our gym were not only beaten by the ugly stick, they ran through a fucking forest full of ugly sticks.

Seriously, we don't go to the gym to get strong or to feel good or to be in shape. That shit is for fucking body builders or people desperate for a hobby.

We go to the gym looking for some jerk material. C'mon, what's hotter than seeing some fine piece of ass in tight pants doing squats or stretching? The resulting camel toe is amazing!

If you remember from this post, we saw a girl a few weeks ago who was totally cute, totally fit and wanted it right there. (She must be the only one who belongs to our gym). We 69ed each other with our eyes and thought about making an adult film right there without a camera, but instead collected ourselves and went on with our workout. But we haven't seen her since. It can pretty much go without saying, but masturbation has been really boring lately.

Though we haven't seen our hot friend, we did see a familiar face at the gym this weekend.
Older dude...maybe late 50s, but he coulda passed for 125. He was Nicole Richie-thin, had wispy, graying hair and an unkept beard. Man, this beard was fucking awesome. If there were birds living in there, we'd be the least surprised. He probably hasn't shaved since '72.

Anyway, this guy starts doing some stretches and shit. We usually mind our business at the gym, try to keep our head down, avoid eye contact. But as this hombre was stretching, we couldn't help but stare.

It sure looked like this older man was trying to suck his own dick.
It looked like this guy has since gotten a hair cut and maybe found a hedge clippers for the beard, but, sure enough, there he was going after his meat again. This guy was really getting after it. Attacking ferociously. If he were a prehistoric animal, he'd certainly be a pterodactyl.

He'd be the type of guy to remove a rib too in order to give himself a cock-sucking advantage. Hard to blame the guy. He knows what he wants. He comes to the gym to give the perception that he's doing an abdominal workout or doing some core stretches, but he's really just trying to give himself some oral relief. We respect that.

49ers stick it to New England

That headline is a stretch, at best, but remember that the Pats get SF's first-round draft pick in the '08 NFL Draft.

So every Niners' win means a slightly worse pick for New England, making the 49ers' 37-31 victory over Arizona that much more satisfying.

Though tough luck for the Cardinals. Chip-shot field goal is good in OT, but DELAY OF GAME!!! Second chip-shot field goal + five yards = no good. Then after a punt + penalty = an Arizona possession starting on its own two, there's a SACK and FUMBLE and CAPS LOCK!!!! NINERS WIN!! NINERS WIN!! MATH IS FUN!

This post isn't for us to gloat about our 3-8 49ers, but after a brutal Cardinals loss, it's really just an excuse to play this clip . (Just replace "Bears" with "49ers." And pretend for a second that Dennis Green is actually a slim white guy with a gotee).

Thursday, November 22, 2007

Happy Thanksgiving!


Ever been to Mt. Shasta? It's nice. Active volcano. Could blow at any moment. (Not really, but that shit in "Dante's Peak" was dormant too and then went off. Scary.)

Anyway, as turkey, stuffing and buckets of alcohol infiltrate Big Picture land, here is a list of things we're thankful for:

-"Half your age plus seven." Only way we could justify hittin' it with Stokke.

-This video of Joe Buck by Burly Sports. Friggin' hilarious.

-Silicon and saline. Masturbation sessions would never be the same.

-Booze. How else to get over miserable years by Bay Area and University of Washington teams?

-Gateway drugs. How else to get involved with hard drugs to watch these bullshit NFL games today.

-Our wonderful commenters. You guys fucking rock! Really, especially when we play Categories. You all kill at that. So thanks.

-Emailers. More, more, more! We're always looking for strange stories around the country. Tip us off by emailing us here.

-Slingbox. That thing is the shit. We can watch Bay Area TV from Seattle. Hellooooo Warriors!

-Firefox. Using Internet Explorer is like counting grains of sand on Miami Beach.

-Pocahontas. Pocahontas is fucking fine. She has something to do with Thanksgiving, right? We really thought that Disney flick about her woulda made for a good porno.

We're taking Friday off, so we'll see you Monday. Have a Happy Thanksgiving and we encourage hour-long jerk sessions all weekend.

Wednesday, November 21, 2007

Cam Cameron is not on the hot seat

I'm fucked. I was fucked since birth. Who names their child Cam Cameron? You know what Cam is commonly short for? Cameron. Yeah. My parents named me Cameron Cameron. I mean what the fuck? Are they kidding?

John Johnson is bad. Matt Matthews is stupid. Dick Dickson sounds like a pornstar. But Cameron Cameron? I was never given a chance.

And now I can't win a football game. Maybe it's because I have the fucking stupidest name in the history of time. Maybe it's because Ronnie Brown's hurt. Maybe it's because Cleo Lemon is now my starting quarterback. Cleo Lemon! Why don't I just cut off my arms and try to get a job as a tennis instructor.

Hey, I'd make a great tennis instructor. People love tennis. Especially rich, white people. Like me. I'd be awesome at teaching tennis. I'd tell people they'll be like the next Andre Agassi or Steffi Graf or whoever the fuck it is that plays tennis these days. And it may be an empty promise, but that's OK. It's all about confidence. You gotta sell it, baby.

And I'm confident that my job is secure. So what that we're 0-10? C'mon, it's Miami. People have more important shit to do than bitch about a football team. There are clubs and beaches and blow and people Rollerblade. Rollerblading is new to me, but I think I'll come to enjoy it.

It's a good thing I'm not Mangini. I'd be pissing myself if I was Mangini. And pissing myself because I'm nervous. Not because it's Wednesday. That New York media is harsh. They'd tear your new asshole a family of new assholes.

I like it here in Miami. We'll win sooner rather than later. People will get confused that Cleo Lemon is black and overplay the run, setting up the pass. Yeah. Play action. I'm a fucking offensive genius. I'll turn Lemon in to the next fucking Marino. And we get the Jets in two weeks. When we beat them, then Mangini will really piss himself.

Mangini's a pretty silly name. But Cameron Cameron? Fuck.

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

Jennie Finch, Lennox Lewis, UFC dude to be on 'The Apprentice'

If you were wondering what former softball star Jennie Finch and heavyweight champ Lennox Lewis were up to, you now have an answer: they're going to be reality TV stars!
The 14 celebrities won't be vying for a job with Donald Trump, as in the previous six "Apprentice" seasons, but instead will compete in business-oriented tasks around New York City to raise money for their favorite charities. The official "Celebrity Apprentice" will win a $250,000 bonus to donate.

Other cast members include country music star Trace Adkins, Olympic gymnastics gold medalist Nadia Comaneci, Playboy Playmate of the Year Tiffany Fallon, Olympic softball gold medalist Jennie Finch, heavyweight boxing champ Lennox Lewis, "America's Got Talent" judge Piers Morgan and Ultimate Fighting Champion Tito Ortiz.
That's great that Finch and Lewis can continue to be in the spotlight. And hell, maybe they'll be good at business-y stuff.

Finch would be a great sales woman. She could sell ice to an Eskimo. Or sex to a hooker. Yeah. Jennie Finch would be great at selling sex.

And who the fuck is Nadia Comaneci? She's totally hot. Nobody mentioned her for our little game. Meanwhile, Playboy Playmate of the Year Tiffany Fallon is flawless. Here are some sorta safe for work pictures of her, because looking at that picture of Finch has surely made your pants fit funny.

Monday, November 19, 2007

Put your life savings on New England


We're just as fucking sick of the Patriots as much as the next hate-filled sports fan. But rather than venting about New England running it up week after week, or making fun or Bill Belichick for having more affairs than Super Bowl rings, let's try to swing the Pats' success in our favor.

Sports betting has never been our thing; we figure watching hours of sports is investment enough. But we did some digging and found that the Pats have only failed to cover the spread once (at Indy). So take this neatly compiled information and bet the fuck out of New England. You'll win money and the only person who likes winning money more than you is the woman you're sleeping with.

Week 1: -6.5 at Jets (won 38-14)
Week 2: -3.5 vs. Chargers (won 38-14)
Week 3: -16.5 vs. Bills (won 38-7)
Week 4: -8.5 at Bengals (won 34-13)
Week 5: -16 vs. Browns (won 34-17)
Week 6: -5.5 at Cowboys (won 48-27
Week 7: -16 at Dolphins (won 49-28)
Week 8: -15 vs. Redskins (won 52-7)
Week 9: -5.5 at Colts (won 24-20 -- didn't cover! World stands still!)
Week 10: Bye (beat Dolphins)
Week 11: -16.5 at Bills (won 56-10)

The Pats play Philadelphia next week. Donovan McNabb will probably get hurt. Tom Brady will probably throw for five touchdowns, run for another and sit out the fourth quarter. Bet away.

Tony Siragusa's Meat of the Day

Tony Siragusa's Meat of the Day is just what it sounds like: the meat that Siragusa enjoyed Sunday while covering NFL action for FOX. Siragusa's weekly meat will be released on Mondays.

Tony's meat of the day: pepperoni

Last week: King Cotton thick sliced bologna.

Friday, November 16, 2007

Barry Bonds did some lying


We'd be shocked if Bonds ends up in jail, but this indictment certainly isn't good news.

Seeing how Barry's been the face of our favorite team since we first really fell in love with baseball in 1993, we should be extremely disappointed. Really though, we're pretty indifferent.

He took some steroids, hit some home runs and has the biggest fucking head we've ever seen. But good news is, we won't be hearing about steroids this offseason. Oh fuck.

What Really Grinds My Gears


You Know What Really Grinds My Gears (named after the segment on Family Guy, of course) is a new feature that will run whenever the fuck we want it to...but usually on a slow news day. It will focus on those pet peeves that, well, really grind your gears. It likely won't be sports-related. Fuck sports. This isn't a sports blog anyway...Oh. Right. Um, yeah, we'll see about making them sports-related. If you have any suggestions -- or would even like to guest write one! -- send your submissions to zachls5@gmail.com or Ballhype us or something Internet-y like that.

You know what really grinds my gears?

Brady Leaf.

I mean, have you ever played organized football? You looked like your brother out there. A fucking quadriplegic could throw better than you.

Brady Leaf is nobody's friend. If Brady Leaf were an ice cream flavor, he'd be pralines and dick.

Pinch your penis, ass clown. That's the last time you'll touch it. Or any one will touch it. You will never feel the warmth of a woman again. The ladies at Oregon will turn to masturbation and lesbianism before sleeping with you. They don't fuck losers.

I don't even like Oregon, but watching you "play" is like watching a fucking glacier melt. Throwing three-yard dump passes with the clock ticking down grinds my gears. That's bullshit, man. Throw it downfield. You should have benched yourself. Jonathan Stewart could play QB better than you.

So enjoy being a failure. It runs in the family.

And that, people, is what really grinds my gears.

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

Big Picture Categories: Pornstars

King's Cup might be the best drinking game out there. Everyone has their own version, there's ample drinking and sometimes -- on a few lucky occasions -- hot chicks end up naked. One of the best "games" in King's Cup is Categories, which often is represented by the Jack card. In Categories, the person who draws the card says a category (fast food joints, baseball stadiums, etc.) and everyone must go around the circle naming one until somebody stumbles. When that person fucks up, they drink. Make sense? Good.

Fuck sports for a day. What have sports ever done for you anyway? It won't get your rocks off, that's for sure.

Today's category then will be naming female pornstars. Since there are hundreds of 'em, start off the comments with the famous ones and your personal favorites. We'll then work our way down to the barely legal ones who you'd likely catch herpes from just by being in the same room as them. We'll start and you guys continue in the comments. You can go again after every five comments. First person to mess up gets to star in "A Few Hard Men."

We'll being with a hotty (and former Cowboys cheerleader -- see, this is a sports site): Kira Kener.

All right, sports fans. Show off your porn knowledge in the comments.

Playboy takes a page from our book

Our friends at Playboy (note: Playboy is every man's friend, but we have actually been in talks with Playboy trying to put together some good stuff for the upcoming Playboy U) clearly read this site and have put together a contest of hot sportscasters. (Link won't get your fired from work, but conversely will not make you want to rub one out).

Playboy's contest isn't as crass as ours and doesn't suggest that Rachel Nichols is a lesbo, but still, this is our turf.

Anyway, go vote or something. We'll be pulling for Hazel Mae. We somehow think she knows to cup the balls.

(Reach-arounds for Awful Announcing and With Leather).

Tuesday, November 13, 2007

The 49ers couldn't score with an Indonesian hooker

The 49ers are pathetic. Pull your pubes out one by one pathetic. And after a 24-0 loss to the Seahawks, where San Francico may or may not have had positive yardage, it's time for finger pointing. And fucking ultimatums.

Here it is: if the Niners run the Spread Option for one full half of real, NFL football, we won't drop an F-bomb for a week.

Why run the Spread Option?

Young Alex Smith used to be a football player before he was drafted by the 49ers. When he played at Utah, he successfully ran the spread under Urban Meyer's innovative offense and led the Utes to an undefeated season and Fiesta Bowl win. With a mobile Smith coupled with Frank Gore, there's enough speed in the backfield to at least attempt running it.

Because NFL defenses are so fast these days, there's a chance that Smith orchestrating the spread option will lead to him being in a coma. But that might not be such a bad thing, though his guaranteed money could fuck the franchise.

Coach Mike Nolan needs to take some hints. Running up the middle isn't working. I-Form isn't fucking working. Young Alex Smith taking the ball under center isn't fucking working. So try something new.

It might fail miserably. It might work wonderfully and we'll be asked to be an offensive consultant for the rest of the season. Just give it a chance. If the 49ers do, we'll clean up the language and fucking write this site in perfect prose and iambic pentameter.

Monday, November 12, 2007

Happy Veteran's Day

We're not really sure the difference between Labor Day, Memorial Day and Veteran's Day, but any chance to get a three-day weekend is awesome.

We're traveling today, so enjoy the lovely Denise and we'll see ya tomorrow.

Enjoy the day off, knuckleheads.

Thursday, November 08, 2007

What Really Grinds My Gears


You Know What Really Grinds My Gears (named after the segment on Family Guy, of course) is a new feature that will run whenever the fuck we want it to...but usually on a slow news day. It will focus on those pet peeves that, well, really grind your gears. It likely won't be sports-related. Fuck sports. This isn't a sports blog anyway...Oh. Right. Um, yeah, we'll see about making them sports-related. If you have any suggestions -- or would even like to guest write one! -- send your submissions to zachls5@gmail.com or Ballhype us or something Internet-y like that.

You know what really grinds my gears?

People who wear sunglasses inside. I mean, what the fuck? Is the sun shining in the restaurant? Can you not do your bicep curls without your shades on?

Unless you don't have a left eye or something, take your fucking glasses off inside.

I mean, whaddya want? You want attention? You want me to look at you because you're wearing fucking sunglasses indoors? You want me to tell you that you have good form when you do squats?

I was at the gym and there was this douche-gremlin with sunglasses on. It was fucking dark outside, so unless this guy was sensitive to 100-watt light bulbs, he was grinding my fucking gears. Maybe he got his ass kicked and didn't want to show his black eye. But F that. Be a man. Show your war marks. Don't cover that up with sunglasses. That's what makeup's for, sweetheart.

You gonna wear your glasses to the bar? Is that a fashion statement? You know what else is a fashion statement? Jeans and fucking blazer. Try that next time.

So take your sunglasses of inside and show your pretty little eyes.

And that, people, is what really grinds my gears.

Holy Shit!


Bored? Need a change in your life? Kinda need to take a dump? Look no further.
Police in Naples, Fla., are on the lookout for users of "jenkem," a homemade drug created by allowing human urine and feces to ferment in a bottle with a balloon covering the opening. Users inhale the released methane gas from the balloon to get a "euphoric high similar to ingesting cocaine, but with strong hallucinations of times past."
This seems like the perfect thing for Mike Vick to do in prison. And it's a helluva lot cheaper than blow.

[There's a good chance this is just a hoax, but we highly encourage you try for yourself.]

Wednesday, November 07, 2007

Big Picture Categories: Team names that don't end in "S"


King's Cup might be the best drinking game out there. Everyone has their own version, there's ample drinking and sometimes -- on a few lucky occasions -- hot chicks end up naked. One of the best "games" in King's Cup is Categories, which often is represented by the Jack card. In Categories, the person who draws the card says a category (fast food joints, baseball stadiums, etc.) and everyone must go around the circle naming one until somebody stumbles. When that person fucks up, they drink. Make sense? Good.

Just about everywhere you turn in sports, you're going to find a "Wildcats," "Tigers" or "Bears." But not too many teams -- at least in professional sports -- have nicknames that don't end in an "S."

Today's category then will be naming those teams that don't have an "S" at the end. Since there are a lot of these, let's keep them to colleges and U.S. leagues (MLB, NFL, NBA, NHL, MLS all count -- the WNBA does not. Does it ever?). We'll start and you guys continue in the comments. You can go again after every five comments. First person to blow it has to ask a random member of the Sioux tribe if they have a drinking problem.

We'll start things off with one of our favorite collegiate names: the North Dakota Fighting Sioux.

All right, folks. Get freaky in the comments.

Tuesday, November 06, 2007

Navy win = no school!


What's it take to get class canceled these days? Just schedule Notre Dame. From SI.com:
The Naval Academy canceled classes Monday, giving the 4,400 midshipmen another day to celebrate the football team's first victory over Notre Dame in 44 tries.
Yes, Navy plays football. Notre Dame no longer does. And because of this, rather than learn, the Naval Academy spent most of Monday doing push ups, folding clothes and doing other stereotypical things people associate with the military.

Perhaps with this line of thinking, if Navy beats rival Army on Dec. 1, maybe they'll just cancel the war.

Tony Siragusa's Meat of the Day

Tony Siragusa's Meat of the Day is just what it sounds like: the meat that Siragusa enjoyed Sunday while covering NFL action for FOX. Siragusa's weekly meat will be released on Mondays.

Whoops. Day late on this. Sorry.

Tony's meat of the day: King Cotton thick sliced bologna.

Last week: salami.

Thursday, November 01, 2007

Blogger Interviews: JoeSportsFan


We're running a segment here at The Big Picture where we'll interview some of the biggest names in the sports blogosphere. What's the point? Well, these guys spend countless, thankless hours writing, so a little recognition from time to time is well warranted. Think of this as the blogger's version of a reach-around or something.

We got a goody today. Joining us is Matt Sebek, one of the great minds behind the wildly-hilarious JoeSportsFan. Sebek spoke on behalf of his colleagues and represented the site nicely. JSF has many great features, namely the JSF MediaSpace pages, JSF Radio and the Worthless Card Collection. You can learn more about JSF here. Through this, and other columns, they successfully "Celebrate the Absurdity of Professional Sports." Feel free to poke fun in the comments...

1. The rundown:

Name: Matt Sebek (conducting the interview because -- quite frankly -- I'm the most intelligent and best looking of the crew), Josh Bacott, and Pat Imig with contributions from Jason Major and Alex Fritz.
Age: Collective average of 25.433
Location: St. Louis, Missouri
Occupation: Web Developer, Professional Blogger (I prefer the standard "writer" or "journalist"...but Imig is pushing me to use "professional blogger" whenever possible in hopes that it enters mainstream lingo sooner than expected so it can get him laid).
Favorite team: Cardinals, Blues, Rams, MU Tigers...blah, blah, blah. Big shout out to the Meredith Gorillas too -- the self-proclaimed best rec-league softball team this side of the Mississippi. We flat out rake.
Links to your favorite all-time posts you've written. (3-5)

My favorite all-time JSF column is Josh's "Softball Guy" piece. We owe a lot of our early success to that column and it still makes me laugh every time I read it.

I know Pat's favorite stuff is the "SC" radio skits. It’s always a good time to picture SportsCenter and ESPN in a "high prime-time drama" setting because they sometimes take themselves too seriously. Okay, lots of times.

We also have to pimp the JoeSportsFan Worthless Card Collection -- which is probably our collective favorite content on the site. It was Josh's creation, but we all share in the fun these days. It's a surreal experience to walk into a baseball card shop and ask for the "shittiest card you got."

From my collection of "Fans of the Week," my favorite is the historical encountering of two of the greatest tattoos to grace our fair city.

Time per day spent blogging and perusing the blogosphere:

3-4 hours a day, with the exception of Imig -- who hasn't sold out to the whole "get a real job to make money" sort of thing.

2. JoeSportsFan isn't your traditional blog. (Hell, maybe "blog" isn't even the right classification). Either way, why the different look and format? Is it to stick out? And, if not a blog, why the association with the blogs?

When we started the site in 2003, the idea of a "blog" was still in early development, so there really wasn’t a standard format to use. We aren’t the typical blog in format, but in terms of point of view and the style of our content, we’re on the same page -- meaning that we try not to take ourselves too seriously and we make fun of Chris Berman a lot.

We have made attempts to produce more content per week, and we maintain an open website format to allow ourselves to promote other sections of our site -- like the MediaSpace pages, JSF Radio, and the Worthless Card Collection. For the most part, we don’t view it as a "blog" or "not a blog" because, as silly as it sounds, we really strive to carry out the site motto -- "Celebrating the Absurdity of Professional Sports." We all share the belief that the writing will remain enjoyable when that’s the theme and direction of our content. If we’re not having fun, you can pretty much bet the readers aren’t either. And as we all know, having fun is one step closer to being like Brett Favre. All that sure means a whole helluva lot these days.

3. JSF MediaSpace and JSF Radio give us about as big a laugh as anything on the Internet. How'd you guys come up with those? How do you actually design the MediaSpace pages so they look, well, like a MySpace page? And how is the JSF Radio recorded? Who does it? The Coach K one is precious.

True story: the MediaSpace pages came about when I was on a flight home from Florida, and I was messing around on my laptop -- changing my desktop wallpaper and other mindless crap. I set my background to a picture of Albert Pujols -- because that's what heterosexual men do these days, and envisioned that somehow, somewhere, Sean Salisbury was doing the same thing -- only with Brett Favre, and with no clothes on. The MediaSpace pages evolved from there.

The pages themselves are one of my favorite pieces of the site. As I said, I'm a web developer by trade, so I built us kids a nice little system that allow us to go in and create MediaSpace profile, assign "friends," leave comments, etc. Basically, a mimic of the real MySpace behind the scenes -- which makes the creation of the content the simplest thing.

As far as producing the content within the MediaSpace pages, they're usually hashed out among the three of us via email, and we usually fight over who gets to post Tony Romo asking every single respective MediaSpace member if they want to be friends.

The radio bits are pretty much all done by Pat Imig, who has more time on his hands than my retired Grandma. He uses Cool Edit Pro to edit everything and uses a basic microphone to record. And oddly enough, the Coach K Phone Call was never planned, it just happened spontaneously. Listening to his press conference on the ACC web site the day after Tyler Hansbrough was bloodied by Gerald Henderson was the inspiration. The guy acts so annoyed and disinterested with everyone.

Truth be told, Imig is our site's heel for internal banter, but the guy is absolutely freaking talented with recording and editing. If he actually had a resume, he could list me as a reference and I'd say the exact same thing.

4. Why start the site? Why not just create a regular blog like the rest of males, 18-35?

We started in 2003 with absolutely no expectations, just as an outlet to write about sports from our own point of view. The way the site is set up now gives us some freedom to do pretty much anything we want -- long-form columns, short blog-style posts, alternative stuff like JSF Radio, MediaSpace and the Card Collection, or just to post a picture of a guy that has Busch Stadium tattooed on his back fat.

It’s also important to mention we feel fortunate to have the working relationship we do with one another. We're all close now, but none of us knew each other prior to working together, so it’s cool to be able to work with people who are all trying to build something bigger. Added bonus: it’s fun to introduce each other as "some guy I met on the Internet" in public settings.

5. Dream job? Go.

Making a living from JoeSportsFan in a variety of different mediums -- online content, radio, and television. If you can’t convince yourself that any of that stuff is possible, it’s really hard to succeed (at least, that’s what John Madden once said...at least we think that's what he meant). You might as well fool yourself into believing it can happen.

6. There are all sorts of wonderful blogs out there. A few you'd recommend?

If I was forced to name five of the big sites that we all check frequently, I would say Deadspin, The Big Lead, With Leather, SportsbyBrooks, and Mr. Irrelevant. I know it sounds really cliché to list all of those in our "top five," but there's a reason why every single one of those sites are successful. As popular as Deadspin has become over the past two years, the one thing that is often forgotten is Will's writing skills. There's a reason he is where he is today. Matt Ufford from With Leather is someone that I really respect from a comedic perspective. The guy's joke transitions are seamless, even when they start with things like Lance Bass and end with Rex Grossman.

We also enjoy the Sports Nation blogs for our hometown teams (Turfshow Times, Viva El Birdos), as well as Fire Joe Morgan and BallHype. The Sports Hernia is also solid and we’ve long been fans of the Sports Pickle -- he has a new book out, by the way. We also have to give mad Stu-Scott-hugs and hand-pounds to The Sports Frog for being the first real sports blog out there.

7. Most rewarding part of the site? Most frustrating?

Most rewarding is when you hear other people say that JSF is on their list of sites they go to daily.

With so many sites out there that offer quality stuff, having our name amongst them is very satisfying. The most frustrating part of the job is when you write until 1:00 a.m. on a work night and then realize that it's not your full time job. But then when you find out someone read it on the crapper, it’s all worth it again. The crapper is prestigious real estate, and to have a piece of JSF with them...well, it's just brings a tear to my eye.

8. What's the ultimate goal of the site?

The ultimate goal is to take JSF to the point where we’re doing this full time. And we’re talking about all sorts of stuff -- writing, radio bits, TV, anything and everything that we can make funny/entertaining. Who knows if it’s realistic, but if its not, it’s going to take a hell of a long time before we admit that to ourselves.

One of things I enjoy the most about JSF is that we don't really have a defined format, and being a web developer allows us to get creative with the powers of online media. We spend a lot of time pumping out daily content that we're proud of, but we're just as proud of the aspects of JSF that are unique -- MediaSpace, JSF Radio, and The Worthless Card Collection. We hope to incorporate these unique aspects of our work wherever we go.

9. We imagine JSF gets a great readership now. If not, it fucking should. The content speaks for itself, but it needs to get out there somehow -- especially at first. How'd the initial promotion of the site go? Message boards? Email strings? And a piece of advice, if you will, for some smaller sites how to build a steady, interactive readership?

Initially there was no promotion. The "blogosphere" wasn’t really in existence like it is now so we basically relied on word of mouth, e-mail blasts, etc. Links on some of the larger link-sharing sites are important this day in age as they can send thousands of readers. RSS feeds are fabulous and allow for immediate promotion of the site. We recently developed our RSS feed, and it's done wonders for our site.

My advice would be to consistently pump out quality material. You’ll get a better feel for what you’re good at and what your audience wants, plus no one wants to go to your blog and see week old posts on there. That’s a key thing: you can get all the links and publicity you want, but if the content isn’t solid, readers won’t come back.

Specifically, for The Big Picture, I think something like this interview series is wonderful (down to Question No. 9, and time to suck off the guy giving the interview. If only Peter King was this lucky)...and I think the response you've gotten is legit. The interviews have given people a chance to get to know the intellect behind their daily reads. And, it's given some great exposure to sites that you may not have heard of before.

10. Is JSF a paid gig? If so, um, yeah, you hiring or what?

Right now we pay our writers in Pete Vukovich rookie cards.

11. You're having dinner with four people -- two athletes, one hot chick and a dead president. Name 'em. And, of course, why?

Athlete 1: Brett Favre, to see if he picks up his wife and runs around with her on his shoulders after washing the dishes.

Athlete 2: Stone Cold Steve Austin, with the guarantee that he stuns Suzy Kolber while offering a sideline report during a MNF broadcast.

Chick: Tiffani-Amber Thiessen, I still like to think she's turned on by tight-rolled Guess jeans, blond butt-cuts, and Bayside Tigers' gear.

President: William Howard Taft -- my God, that was one doozy of a mustache. Plus, he's the guy credited with starting the wave, so I'd like to slap him with a 16 ounce strip steak.