Pre-gaming: The Miserable Life of the Collegiate Kicker

No one aspires to be a place kicker. You don't hear of kids who want to be kickers. Not even the kids who are always kicking balls want to be kickers. Everyone wants to be a quarterback, wide receiver or running back. NOBODY WANTS TO BE A FUCKING KICKER!

The kids who like kicking things play soccer only to learn later that nobody likes soccer. Even then they don't want to be kickers.

But every team needs a kicker and that's why you see guys on the sidelines with frosted tips and faux hawks.

And, fittingly, the kicker is either set up to be the goat or the hero. It's either hitting the game-winner or missing as time expires and you have reactions like the guy above. And then, at practice on Monday when you go to high-five the All-America linebacker, he tells you to go fuck yourself because you're just the kicker. (Frankly, had you hit the game-winner, you'd probably get the same reaction).

Agh, the kicker. At least the average guy can do it.

Who's going to be making -- or missing -- game-winners this weekend?

Games broken down on a one-to-four-bunny scale:

Four bunnies means: "Do not go out. Do not hang out with your girlfriend. Do not watch House re-runs. Turn the fucking channel to this game and watch it."

Three bunnies means: "Do not go out. Do not watch House re-runs. If spending precious time with the girlfriend will help the relationship, go for it...but it better be worth it. Like really worth it. Otherwise, watch these games."

Two bunnies means: Eh, if it's pissing rain and your girlfriend is shopping, it's not a bad option.

One bunny means: You've never touched a girl. You're allergic to the sun. YouTube doesn't do it for you. You wanna prove that you can, in fact, sit on your ass and watch college football for 12 hours.

Champions are made on Saturdays. All times Eastern.

No. 16 Utah at No. 4 TCU, 7:30 p.m., Versus?: I get feelings about games from time to time and I really feel that this one is going to be fucking epic. I get wood for the Mountain West and if TCU wins this game, you seriously have to start considering them for the BCS Title game. Fuck Texas. They haven't beaten anyone. Get the popcorn and 24-pack. This one should be fun. TCU 20, Utah 17.

No. 10 Iowa at No. 11 Ohio State, 3:30 p.m., ABC: I would have made this a four-bunny game if I didn't hate the Big 10 so fucking much. Ohio State 30, Iowa 17.

No. 25 West Virginia at No. 5 Cincinnati, Friday, 8 p.m., ESPN 2: Bill Stewart would be a fantastic grandfather. He just seems to friendly that he'll be happy to put you on his lap and read you Goodnight Moon. He is quite the opposite of former Mountaineers coach Rich Rodriguez who fell more in line with the abusive uncle. Cincinnati 31, West Virginia 21.

Stanford at No. 9 USC, 3:30 p.m., FSN?: Jim Harbaugh could get his players to go rob a bank. He's that good. USC 16, Stanford 14.

No 1. Florida at South Carolina, 3:30 p.m., CBS: I think the story line for this game is going to revolve around how two experienced quarterbacks lead their respective teams. Nothing about the coaches. Florida 24, South Carolina 18.

Notre Dame at No. 12 Pittsburgh, 8 p.m., ABC: Any chance you have to watch the Irish lose is a day where the sun shines brighter. Pitt 28, Notre Dame 27.

Tennessee at Mississippi, noon, CBS.
Texas Tech at No. 19 Oklahoma State, 8 p.m., ABC.

Tailgate Beverage of the Week:

Simpler Times Lager


1. Any beer called "Simpler Times" is a winner in my book.
2. This beer is 6.2%. That's nearly malted.
3. This is the Trader Joe's equivalent of Budweiser.
4. TJ's is awesome. They are like the cool new kid of grocery stores and they always have cute girls working there. And have fucking great chicken andouille sausage for $4.
5. This beer is A LOT better than Bud, in that it has actual taste and is made from actual ingredients and not just water and excessive advertising.

Lou Holtz Pep-Talk Quote:

"wmπnl˜µnz!90;¬am¶˚-1mx-1!er0-#%lQkl" (Don't stop until you hear the whistle).

It's Safer than Crack:

The game you should bet your paycheck on.

Georgia Tech (-12.5) over Duke. Let's not forget that while Duke is not the same awful, horrible, disgustingly bad Duke team this season, the Ramblin' Wreck is capable of rushing for 500 yards.

2009 Bet It Hard Record: 3-7

Pac-10 Player That I Want to Hang With a Fucking Jump Rope:

C.J. Gable, RB, USC

Now this just doesn't make sense: Gable comes into the season as the Trojans' most-experienced rusher and then Stafon Johnson gets hurt clearing the way for more carries. Nonetheless, C.J., you have played in nine games and have 16 fucking carries! Touch the ball already!

Heisman Watch:

1. Darwinism
2. The guy who gets his heart ripped out in Temple of Doom. At least the guy had heart. ZING!
3. Tiramisu
4. Pearl Jam's Ten

Coach whose ass is burning:

1. Paul Wulff, Washington State
2. Bobby Bowden, Florida State
3. Mark Richt, Georgia?
4. Al Groh, Virginia

Fight Song that makes me want to be in a marching band:

Ole Miss' From Dixie With Love

It's probably a good thing that this song has been banned. "The South will rise again?" Jeez. This isn't 1850!

Babe of the Week:

Brianna

That bathing suit must be comfortable.

Full gallery here. (Sorta, not really safe for work).

College football, tailgates and girls. What could be better?!