An interview with Carlos Beltrán

A producer on the Mets' SNY broadcast crew was recently put in isolation with a possible case of swine flu. Carlos Beltrán had missed three-straight games with a stomach ailment. Enter the New York media and connect the dots.

The Big Picture: Thanks for joining us, Carlos.
Carlos: Sure.

TBP: We're sorry to hear about your diagnosis.
Carlos: I wasn't diagnosed with anything.

TBP: People can recover from swine flu.
Carlos: I don't have swine flu.

TBP: How are you feeling?
Carlos: Much better, thanks.

TBP: That's too bad. Have you told your family?
Carlos: Told them what?
TBP: About your case of swine flu.
Carlos: I don't have swine flu.

TBP: How has your life changed these last few days?
Carlos: It hasn't really changed.

TBP: How's John (Maine) doing? Has he broken the news?
Carlos: What news?
TBP: About him also being infected.
Carlos: He isn't infected with anything.

TBP: You've only hit six homers this season. Is it because of the swine flu?
Carlos: No.

TBP: Is it tough when none of the guys talk to you and treat you like you're invisible?
Carlos: Nobody's doing that.

TBP: Did you hear about the McLouth trade?
Carlos: Yeah, it's a big pickup for Atla...
TBP: Are you jealous that he's healthy and you have swine flu?
Carlos: No.

TBP: Are you afraid that fans in Pittsburgh will chant, "SWINE FLU. SWINE FLU," if you play today?
Carlos: No.
TBP: Oh, and what's Jerry Manuel thinking trying to play you today? That's ridiculous! A guy in your condition can't play baseball!
Carlos: I can play fine.

TBP: Did you ever see that movie Outbreak?
Carlos: No.
TBP: That shit's fucked up. Really scary. Do you see parallels to your situation?
Carlos: No.

TBP: Rene Russo is a total MILF! I would totally do things to her.
Carlos: OK.
TBP: She's 55! That's super un-sexy, but she's really hot. How bad do you wanna fuck her?
Carlos: I'm not sure.
TBP: Do you think you can pass swine flu by fucking?
Carlos: I don't know.

TBP: You used to play for the Royals.
Carlos: That was a great way to start my career.
TBP: Do you ever think that if you still played in Kansas City you probably wouldn't have gotten swine flu?
Carlos: I never thought that.

TBP: The guy who drafted you in my fantasy league is trying to trade you. Do you think he's a doctor?
Carlos: I don't know.
TBP: He's not.

TBP: I know a guy who always roots against you. Why do you think that is?
Carlos: I'm not sure. Sometimes success leads to hostility.
TBP: Or maybe he's just racist.

TBP: Well, jeez, get better soon man.
Carlos: I'm fine.
TBP: OK, thanks for taking the time.
Carlos: All right.